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Thursday, June 29, 2006

I am a baseball statistician! 

Data: Of the fourteen (I think) teams in the "AL," and their "last 10 games in terms of how many were won and how many were lost" (a helpful statistic that Yahoo! provides me), only one team has lost more games than they have won, and only three more have lost as many as they have won*. (* - Five.)

Conclusion: That's nuts!

Possible other conclusion: the National League stinks? I don't know, science is hard.

posted by Jack, 12:09 AM

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

It smells like a dog just shit on the floor of my office. 

posted by Jack, 11:16 AM

Monday, June 26, 2006

News Notes 

Last night, after a productive trip to the Associated for some dishwashing liquid, I walked home past a father and son playing frisbee. Hilariously and improbably, an errant throw sent the frisbee straight down a sewer grating only just large enough to accomodate the frisbee. I discovered when I arrived at the door to my apartment building that I was not carrying the bottle of dishwashing liquid, and so did an old-timey "about face" to go back and grab it from the store. On the way back, I found that the man in the above frisbee incident had lifted off the neighboring manhole cover WITH HIS BARE HANDS and retrieved the novelty throwing disc. Hooray for America! Whatever small nook under the register my dishwashing liquid had been kept in for the minute I spent away from was so hot that the bottle was hot to the touch and the plastic bag had partially melted and fused with itself.

In other news, there was a fire in my apartment building last Sunday, apparently right on the other side of Eben's wall. Also, the police parking lot has been almost entirely evacuated except for three junker cars lately, and had a police line tape up for a little while. Also, the long contested and undeveloped PS 64 down 9th Street has apparently had its future course decided. Posters advertise its future use to rehabilitate the homeless, substance abusers, sufferers from AIDS and HIV, the mentally ill, victims (or possibly administrators) of domestic abuse, troubled youth, and perhaps most exciting of all, parolees. I approve of the extension of the hand of friendship to the more hapless members of our society. I question, though, whether the ideal "poster girl" for this effort was a homeless woman with open sores on her face, at least in conjunction with the at times damning statement "HIV/AIDS." [research minded readers are invited to learn more here]

I will certainly not turn my back on our society's needy, but there is essentially no doubt in my mind that the willfully ham-fisted marketing of PS 64's new lifestyle is a bitter, childish, and back-handed gambit by the owner, who was recently cheated from making it into a dormitory by an act of Landmark preservation. He evidently - [like reading things, reader?] - hopes to use the neighborhood's fear of AIDS and crime to reverse the landmark designation and regain his cash cow. What an asshole! Grow up, asshole!

In conclusion, I think that this guy sounds like a big jerky asshole and should go fuck himself.

PS: Evidently, having your building declared a landmark means that you can strip the facade if you're a jerk.

PPS: Willikers, I've been thinking about this asshole all weekend! I can't stop thinking about him! What's wrong with the world when there actually is a guy like this? He does not care what he does at all! He obviously wants to make a collection of homeless people and recovering drug addicts and keep them on hand like animals until they scare the people around him enough for him to get his way! And then what happens to the homeless people, the sufferers of diseases autoimmune or mental? He puts them on the street because he's done with them because he got his way. Because he's authentically evil. He also doesn't care that everyone can see that he is evil, because he wants to just steamroll everyone around him. He's a developer, he knows that people won't like him, especially people like East Village tenants' associations, and so he just comes out with his evil face on from the get go. You people fucked with me, he says, so I'm going to fuck the shit out of you until you're paying me to slow the fucking process down.

What a jerk!

posted by Jack, 12:06 PM

Friday, June 23, 2006

I'm going to have sex with the table. 

posted by Jack, 1:06 PM

Thursday, June 22, 2006

You're in the Zoot Suit Riot! 

Pullin goalies!
That is how you win the World Cup!
Pullin goalies!
Umm baby I just can't get enough!

The ceiling fan!
Spinning spinning spinning and spins!
The ceiling fan!
Spinning things is how this thing wins!

Cocaine cartel!
You are a butterface!
Cocaine cartel!
Relatively directionless song.

Get more popcorn!
That's-a what I'm going to eat!
Get more popcorn!
It's the taste that just cannot be beat.

Sucking d-bones!
Putting penis into my mouth.
Sucking d-bones!
East West North and then in the South.

posted by Jack, 2:32 PM

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear J. K. Rowling, 

How did Ron get good grades? He's so stupid.


posted by Jack, 2:56 PM

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Happy Birthday 

Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Susan, Walter, and Jeremy.
Happy birthday! (Birthday!)
To Vinicius and Dubbin and Zols.

Note: Even though that's a pretty heavy load of birthdays for a single week, I'm pretty sure that there are other people that I've forgotten whose birthdays are also this week. Also, Dubbin's ex-girlfriend, but she sucks, so fuck her.

posted by Jack, 5:35 AM

Friday, June 16, 2006


Wentworth Miller!
Accused of being campus racist!
Wentworth Willer!
Although he was racially mixed.

posted by Jack, 8:19 PM


Writing words down!
Yeah Dry Bones is a pimp!
Writing words down!
Uncle Carl's a shimp!

posted by Jack, 3:38 PM


Bloglines Plumber!
Please fix Bloglines real soon!
Bloglines Plumber!
Zip zop bop to the moon!

Kappa Mikey!
You're a show on TV!
Kappa Mikey!
Zeep bop zeeba dee pow!

posted by Jack, 1:40 PM

Peanut butter "ZSR" 

Peanut butter! (Butter!)
Crunchy creamy and in between!
Peanut butter! (Butter!)
I think you know what I mean!

posted by Jack, 12:48 PM

Frankly, a somewhat unimaginative and crude "ZSR" parody. Not my best work. 

Zoot suit butthole!
Doot doot bottle of beer!
Zoot suit butthole!
Zweeba zweeba dun dun beer!

posted by Jack, 12:42 PM

"ZSR" Pizza 

Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
I am getting hungry!
Where's the pizza? (Pizza!)
Give some pizza to me!

posted by Jack, 12:29 PM

Mario Kart DS related "Zoot Suit Riot" parody lyrics 

Waluigi! (Igi!)
Drivin' 'round in a backhoe!
Waluigi! (Igi!)
Wind him up and watch him go!

Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
Throwing shells all over the race!
Princess Daisy! (Daisy!)
She's gonna come in first place!

posted by Jack, 12:14 PM

Not safe for work "Zoot Suit Riot" parody about a risqué concept I had for a humorous and dirty get-rich-quick scheme 

Spunking money! (Money!)
Dollars dimes and twenty five cents!
Spunking money! (Money!)
I'm a-spunkin' out dead presidents!

This presumes the ability to produce money in a sexual and unconventional fashion, which I think would ultimately prove unpleasant for anyone into whom was spunked.

posted by Jack, 12:12 PM

"Zoot Suit Riot" parody about Harvey's concept for what would be the ultimate cheeseburger 

Sphere cheesburger! (Burger!)
Most beautiful thing in the world!
Sphere cheeseburger! (Burger!)
Recommended for a boy or girl.

posted by Jack, 12:10 PM

Happy Bloomsday! 

This "blog" is going to be making a shift from personal anecdotes and thought pieces over to a mostly "Zoot Suit Riot" parody lyrics website.

Eating bagels!
Spreading them with some cream cheese!
Eating bagels!
Can I have two bagels, please?

posted by Jack, 12:07 PM

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Three Completely Kooky Years 

I celebrate the anniversary of my arrival in the "big city" on Puerto Rican Day as a shorthand means to get around the fact that I don't remember quite what day I actually moved in.

It's been a pretty nutty three years.

One night a few weeks ago, Klein finished checking his email on my computer, and we were about to head downstairs to have some beers outside, when a pigeon flew into my room. It took us about twenty minutes of yelling and flashing the lights and playing Slipknot to persuade it to leave. It turns out that in close quarters, a pigeon is a somewhat graceless bird, both in its artless fumbling flight, and its willingness to poop on my windowsill. And on two separate walls. And inside a small decorative lamp made of one solid piece of glass shaped like a open-topped square column that is extremely difficult to clean when people or things poop in it.

posted by Jack, 2:17 PM

Friday, June 09, 2006

Last night, Murray and I were standing in an elevator with two other passengers. A couple got on, they looked to be in their later fifties. The man 

was dressed interestingly - quirky glasses, etc, and the woman was wearing a completely sheer top - like a black stocking stretched to the point of virtual transparency. The woman was possessed of a certain gravity - a substantial physical presence - and her bust was fairly large. I found it somewhat striking - it was a bit of a provocative outfit. The woman who had already been in the elevator turned out to be friends with her, and they had a quick chat about real estate.

posted by Jack, 1:49 PM


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