Friday October 13, 2006
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Two Bits

Two Bits analyzes the interrelatedness of cars, TV, stupidity

Two Bits Man, columnist

By Two Bits Man Columnist

I, Two Bits Man, have many stories for you this week. After an extended break, I seem to have accumulated more stories than I know what to do with. Thus, I have created the Law of Fixed Stupidity.

The gist of it is that the amount of stupidity one has to deal with in a week is approximately constant. You see it every day, too. If the Law of Fixed Stupidity suddenly stopped, the many "cable news networks" such as CNN, MSNBC and Fox News wouldn't have much to report.

Instead, we'd get an endless string of human-interest stories. I get enough of that when I read the Focus section, thank you. Fark would be entirely devastated, as it's based almost exclusively on schadenfreude. The Daily Show would probably survive, though, because they're cool like that. Jon Stewart could make fun of puppies and kittens and still be funny.*

As a corollary to my new law, I will also state that stupidity is far more likely to occur when cars, combustible substances and/or high speeds are involved.

As much as I hate to regale you with story after story about my car, cars tend to be magnets for stupid. Thus, they wind up in my column. The stupidity in question is a parking ticket. Sure, everybody gets them. This one, though, is a special flavor of stupid.

Having solved all other crimes in Atlanta, a city cop came down my street and gave out several parking tickets for "Parking against the flow of traffic."

If you've ever parked on some streets in Homepark, you'll know that you need a supercomputer/electron microscope/industrial lube combo in order to find and get into that last free parking space. The person that invents a car that can parallel park itself will be among the people I look up to the most-you know, among modern gods such as myself, Funk Masta G. Wayne, Jon Stewart and Patrick Stewart.**

Now, we move to the subject of public transportation. My latest pet peeve is the green route. I'll admit that the green route is efficient; however, they're a bit excessive.

First, there isn't a sign denoting that there's a green route stop at State St and Homepark Ave. That's not so bad by itself; you can learn where they're hiding their imaginary bus stop.

However, my real problem is that every time I approach the intersection of State and 10th, a stinger has just turned onto State Street, just soon enough that I'd never be able to make it to the imaginary stop in time to catch it. That stinger will even run a red light, just so that I won't be able to catch it.

In months of walking that road almost daily, I've never had a stinger stop next to me, or even several yards ahead of me. It'll very consistently run the red light, and leave me frustrated.

Something good can be said of this, though-the green route is helping me stay fit. Not that Two Bits Man needs help to stay fit; I'm a sexy beast.

Two Bits Man isn't quite as fit as Superman, though.

After seeing the somewhat recent Superman movie, I've noticed that all of the powers he actually uses are related to his strength. He has every superpower, ever. He can even shoot freakin' laser breams out of his eyes. Who needs sharks? Every problem he encounters can be solved with his strength. Need to dispose of a continent? Throw it into the sun. Need to dispose of a nuclear warhead? Throw it into the sun. Need to take out the trash? Throw it into the sun. Don't like the physics department? You know what to do.

I wonder what Superman would do in each situation without his super-strength, though. He's still invulnerable, so he could probably eat the nuclear bomb, and might have a little gas afterwards. Nuclear explosions are horrible for the digestion, you know.

Alternatively, he could use his super speed and drop it into a volcano somewhere. The x-ray vision would let him know which red wire is the correct one, and his laser vision would let him cut just that wire. He's also used a "super yell," once to cancel the effects of a nuclear explosion; he knows that there's nothing quite like yelling at something to fix it, a true sign of an engineer or a programmer.

*Not that he'd ever do that.

**"Patrick Stewart and not William Shatner?" I hear you say. Not even the digital remastering of the Original Series can fix Shatner's acting. TV Guide wasn't kidding when they called Stewart 1992's "Sexiest Man on Television."