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Monday Nitro
September 13, 1999
LIVE from the Dean Smith Centre in Chapel Hill, NC

Hour 1Hour 2Hour 3Composite
4.122.842.903.31

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Written by: Christopher Robin Zimmerman

QUICK QUOTE: SPLN 26 3/8 (+1 7/8)

LAST WEEK: "Hart Hunts Hulk" - TV-PG-DLV - closed captioned symbol - "Sting & Luger Agree to Disagree" - you know, looking at all these clips, and having seen Fall Brawl - well, I STILL don't know who attacked Sting, or why Luger and Sting would be shoving each other at the end of last week's show. OR how Bret Hart fits into all this. Oh well. Maybe it will all be forgotten.

WCW logo - here to confuse you

Opening credits - here to amuse you

FIREWORKS! Wake up, baby, it's WCW MONDAY NITRO LIVE ON TNT!! It's 13.9.99 and we're at the Dean Smith Centre in Chapel Hill, NC on the campus of UNC - believe it!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Who can you trust? Well, you CAN'T trust Sting. They're really going to turn Sting heel. Don't THAT beat all shit to hell? Also, Sid Vicious is the US Champion, Harlem Heat wins the tag team titles again, and Fall Brawl generally sucked. Well, they didn't say that last part, but it was kinda implied.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Sid ruined a perfectly good match betwixt Benoit and Malenko, because that's what he does.

CHRIS BENOIT v. DEAN MALENKO - take two - They're going to try it again, winner to get a title shot later tonight. With the Revolution going 0-3 last night, we can only hope that something interesting tonight makes up for it (even though it'll prove that only idiots pay for PPVs) - Shane Douglas asks Winston-Salem if they're ready for a Revolution - just kidding. Anyway, here we go. Lockup, arm drag from Benoit. Lockup, hammerlock from Malenko, reversal, go behind, drop toehold from Malenko, floatover, reversal into a hammerlock from Benoit, standing up, power out, hiptoss blocked, clothesline ducked - flips back, over leapfrog, catches the leg, Benoit hits an enzuigiri. I need to note that PERRY SATURN & SHANE DOUGLAS are at ringside - to keep Sid away, hopefully. Some more mat wrestling - Malenko hits some back elbows. Benoit takes him over the top rope and falls with him. Both men on the floor. Both men up - trading punches. Douglas and Saturn break it up and tell them to keep it in the ring. They both roll back in. Test of - no, Malenko kicks, takes him off the ropes and into a cross armbreaker. Benoit and Malenko rolling with it. Benoit puts Malenko on his back - then raises him up, carrying him on one arm - and dropping him to the canvas. Shaking it off, Benoit whips him off the ropes and takes him down with a big shoulderblock for 2. Heenan talks about Sting - shame on him. Knife-edge chop from Benoit. Off the ropes, dropkickm misses - Malenko goes to the leg, rolls through, Benoit takes the bottom rope. Malneko stomps and drops the knee. Working the leg here - grapevining it now. Tonight, Berlyn and Bagwell - wow, I'm glad they waited a whole DAY before they had it! Malenk with an anklelock and Benoit screaming. Grabs the bottom rope again. Malenko stalking him - head into the buckle. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Malenko leaps over the top and lands on the buckle - Benoit stuns him, however, and hits a SUPERPLEX! Both men down - Douglas and Saturn cheerleading and the fans actually go with it. Both men up - double clothesline - arm draped over each man - referee "Blind" Billy Silverman counts a double pin - both men raise a shoulder at 2. Benoit takes him into the corner - foot up - trying for a rana - Benoit shrugs him off. Waistlock, Malenko elbows, Benoit flips him over and covers for 2 - Malenko counters for 2 - Benoit ducks a lariat and hits a German suplex - holding on - but Malenko blocks and counters for 2. Into the corner - backdrop suplex from Benoit - thumb crosses throat - but Malenko catches him on the top turnbuckle - Malenko superplex hits, but Benoit continues the momentum from Malenko's floatover and puts the shoudlers on the mat - 1, 2, 3! Benoit is your winner!! (7:15) Great match - quick, turn the TV off before they kill off any good feelings by putting on some crap! All four Revolution members celebrate a match well ... matched. Here's some replays.

Catch WCW live this week in Roanoke, Norfolk, Florence for THUNDER!, Greenville and Saturday buy tickets for Kansas City for Nitro!

GENE O. works tonight! And - wow, you have to wonder if it's more than mere coincidence that a year from blowing the roof off the joint and giving WCW their last legit win in the Neilsens, THE MAN is back on my TV screen. "Oh, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeean woooo! by God Tar Heel Gene! I'm back, baby, wooo! and glad to be a Tar Heel woooo! tonight! ... Gene - I don't know where I've been the last six months, pal, I've had a heart attack, I've been institutionalized, I got a daughter getting married two weeks, I got a son in this business, off to a good start, I got a thirteen year old that's already on the Varsity cheerleading team, and I got an eleven year old that just went out to the Japan, kids' nationals, and guess what, tonight, for the first time in five years, I got a job again! A real job! Woooo! By God, Gene, I am free free free free at last! Woooo! They been trying to hold the Nature Boy down for a lifetime! It can not happen in - ha - North Carolina for one day. Listen to 'em! Hell, there's not that many signs but when I come out that door, they say - woooo! - Jumpin' gee - oh my God - one more time - there he is - the Nature Boy - woooo!" Gene steers Flair into addressing things in WCW. Flair says that he and Hogan have a date with destiny. He closes his eyes to the business for six weeks, turns around, and Sting's the World Heavyweight Champion. I hear booing but the only people in the audience I see are cheering. Flair says while he was the Man, Sting was the Franchise. Sting won the world title by hitting Hogan over the head with a baseball bat? "Come on....Sting, Sting - that don't work..." but (THIS IS) STING & THE NARCISSIST walk to the ring with a baseball bat and the world title. Again, I hear booing but see Sting being cheered. Flair says he's not through talking yet and Sting can kindly remove himself from the ring. Sting brought his own mic, however. "Nature Boy! Slick Ric! We go WAY back, don't we Ric. Way back, Ric. When I look back over the last ten years, Ric, and I think to myself 'how many times did the Nature Boy lure me in, and then stab me in the back?' Well Ric, we ourselves have a very unique situation tonight because I have a lot of respect for you - you see, you singlehandedly put the Stinger on the map, you made me what I am, you made me what I am at this very moment. Ric, you are definitely Slick Ric, and you are definitely a limousine-ridin', high-flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin' son of a gun. ...and you're the dirtiest player in the game, and I learned from the dirtiest player in the game, Ric! So the unique situation, Ric - is because deep down inside I really do respect you and I LOVE ya Ric, I do, because it's so unique and I feel that way about ya, I'm gonna give you the chance to leave peacefully and gracefully." NOW we may have some real booing. "I think it is a tribute to your manhood that you recognise the fact that I've made you a millionaire, made you famous, made you the most promising (at one time) young star in our sport, to being the Franchise, yes I take credit for all of the above, but my friend, that's where we differ, because when you talkin' about me being 'a limousine ridin', jet flyin' son of a gun' you sound like my wife talkin' about me and that doesn't work. I will ALWAYS be a kiss stealin', woooo!, wheelin' dealin', limousine ridin' son of a gun, and it ain't gonna change tonight! You got it! And if you or Luger want me to leave - no, wait. You're right. You're right. I'm gonna leave -" And he does - no, wait, he comes back in. Gene and Flair take turns saying "Not!" Sting says he's been waiting patiently for ten years - he and Luger have been waiting for a chance to run with the ball. Luger takes the mic and tells Flair that he coined the phrase 'Total Package,' and because of all the respect that HE has for him, he'd really like him to make the graceful exit. This is the year of graceful retirements - Elway, Gretzky, Jordan Sanders, and Flair should add his name to the list. Sting: "Yes, believe me, we'll all be a lot better off - it might take some time - just try to deal with this." Flair says he was ready to retire, but watching this show last week - "I said, 'hell, they can't do it without the Nature Boy.' And that's why I'm back." Flair says he's not walking over Flair to get any more notoriety or recognition - he's going to have to EARN it. So Luger waffles him for behind. And if you want to get over as a heel, punking Flair is probably the best way to do it. The doubleteam is on - Luger's signalling for the Torture Rack. Off the ropes, big clothesline from Luger. Here's the Rack. Sting asks Luger to put him down - so he can clamp on the Scorpion Deathlock. Here come YOU KNOW WHO & BRET CLARKE - to save Ric Flair, mind you. Luger and Sting take their leave (or, if you're Tony, "slither away.") TRAINER DANNY YOUNG is out with the rest of the referees to check on Flair. Hogan takes the mic and says he doesn't know what planet Sting & Luger are living on, but he's here to bring them back to Earth. "Everybody knows the wars I've had with this guy, but I've got respect for him." Oh, PLEASE. Hogan does the "train, prayer, and kick somebody's ass" thing, saying "kickin' somebody's ass" again. Hart says "it's high time we righted some wrongs around here. Luger, Sting - prepare yourselves to be excellently executed." Hogan says "this one's for me, but this one's also for Ric Flair, 'cause I saw that you respect him. Luger and Flair, we're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass. We're gonna kick your ass." Oops, I think he meant Luger and STING. Backstage, we see Luger and Sting watching a monitor. They talk over Luger's lack of a medical release - and wrestling gear. Oops, I guess no match.

HELLO - does Sting not already have a match with Chris Benoit tonight? Oops, sorry, I meant to say "pretty good segment."

Encore presentation of Fall Brawl is TUESDAY! Don't BOTHER! 10-10-220 for cheap calls!

THUNDER! ad still has Kevin Nash in it

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Nestle's Butterfinger - I DARE you to Bite Tony's Butterfinger!

The Dynamic Duo bask in the afterglow of the last segment. Unfortunately, they're too busy talking about Luger's lack of wrestling gear, as opposed to his lack of a medical release. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!!

"Courtesy WCW Magazine" - here's some still shots from the big title match, which ended in a big shmozz, but hey, Hogan lost the title! Although he didn't give up, he was KO'd and the arm fell three times as he was unconscious. Sigh.

Tony shills the WCW Hotline

Backstage, we notice a black Mercedes pulling up, flanked by many security-type folk. In the Mercedes behind it, Berlyn and his interpreter exit. Tonight, Berlyn takes on Buff Bagwell - really, we mean it!

I'm guessing one more unproductive segment to make up for all this uninterrupted interview time...

DJ RAN gets all up in your area - it's so CLEVER the way he uses Surge coasters to disguise those record labels!

RIKKI RACHTMAN sucks up to the locals, asks for a few "Yeah, right"s and then brings out NITRO GRRLS SPICE & KIMBERLY. We learn that the winner of last week's Miami finals was ZULEMA MERTZ, proving that the contest was rigged. We watch her tape again and learn how great it is to walk up to total strangers and start speaking sign language. Here are tonight's finalists... ALYSON deDECKER is looking for a professional cheerleading gig. ASHLEY BECK can't dance, but she likes wrestling and she's blonde, so she'll win. Next Saturday, Cincinnati feels the wrath of the Nitro Girls. I went to wcw.com to check out this voting thing, and found it convoluted and rather difficult. So I sent in a vote for Alyson, no doubt putting myself on about fifteen different spam lists in the process. Rachtman throws it back to Tony, who "did it for the nookie." Somehow, I doubt that.

Backstage, J.J. DILLON plays Bob Newhart with his cel phone. He asks somebody for Lex Luger's medical status - turns out that not only was he cleared for tonight, but he's been cleared for three weeks!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, WCW Grip'n'flip Wrestlers, Motel 6 7/8, and IceSport from Aqua Velva, AND Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets! Hey FINALLY a brand new Macho Man Slim Jim ad, featuring Savage in a padded cell. Make your own joke at home.

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

Tonight, MICHAEL BROOKER is in the house. So is BRIAN BERSTICKER, and here's TIM GOAD, and there's ERIC MONTROSS. I know exactly ONE of those guys. A "RAW is BORE" sign reminds me to change the channel - and just in time, too! as

Let Us Go to the Still Shots of Sid Vicious and Chris Benoit - we have a new United States Heavyweight Champion and that's all I feel like saying about that

ERIK WATTS v. DISCO INFERNO - Commentators all but guarantee a Sid run-in for this match. It's tushy-kickin' time! Watts punches away, Disco goes to the eyes. Off the ropes, hiptoss is blocked, so is his hiptoss, Watts his a uranage-alike and does that "my hands are guns" things. Watts yanking on the arm. Off the ropes, atomic drop from Disco, swinging neckbreaker. Disco poses. Stomp, head to the buckle. Kick, kick, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner, charge sidestepped - Watts with a gutshot, and a powerbomb that was supposed to land on the turnbuckle, close enough. There's a mocking disco move from Watts - humourous belly-flop splash for 2. Stomp. There's another. Field goal kick. Off the ropes, head down, elbow from Disco, side Russian legsweep, second rope forearm smash misses because he's spent too much time mocking Watts' gun motions. Suddenly some crowd noise is turned on - sounds like a "Sid" chant. BLATANT fake crowd noise here - crowd looks around like "what's that?" - we cut to a (planted) "Boring - where's Sid?" sign and then take a split screen of Sid sitting in a locker room, muttering to himself. Chartbuster for the pin. (3:09) Sid's cut off and we go back to Disco with the mic. "I told everybody that I was a superstar! I told everybody that I was an icon! I told everybody that I was a main eventer - and dammit, I'm the guy that's taking WCW to the millennium!" SID VISCOUS is out - powerbomb. CHARLES ROBINSON, wearing the US title belt, holds the sign - and they are STILL misspelling it. Sigh. There's a "pin" on Watts. There's another powerbomb for Disco. "Someone asked me - 'Sid, can you define "intimidation?"' Well, I think Mr. Heenan, there's a perfect answer for that. See, he's gonna try to stereotype me as the big dumb guy. Well, Mr. Heenan's view, Mr. Hogan, Mr. Hart, and you, Billy boy - when you come to field to meet the man, if it's in a battle of wits - or a physical battle - everyone comes unarmed! Un Armed. But when you come to battle with Sid Vicious, there's no way to win! No way to win - so I have taken it upon myself. I have reached out and I have took what was so valuable to Benoit, and I have it here today, and I can honestly say for the first time in WCW, that this belt is untarnished! For I will not let trash like this touch my belt! And I will not let trash like Bill Goldberg - I will not give him the opportunity to touch what is mine, because in the year 2000 they will sing only one name! And the name will be...Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssid, hahahahahahahaha. Haa! Let's get one more! Here's another powerbomb for Disco Inferno (who's had to just LIE here all this time). Scott Dickenson counts a pinfall. Idiot.

Promtional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (old ad - Hogan's in the NWO), David (Flair) sunflower seeds, Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets, America (ha!) Online (again), Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and WCW Tough Talkin' Wrestlers ("they're really talking to each other!")

See the superstars of WCW live in Roanoke, Norfolk, Florence for THUNDER!, and Greenville. Tickets on sale Saturday for Nitro in Kansas City! Hurry before they're all GONE! BWAAAAAhahahahahaha

Goldberg dares you to beat his football picks on CNNSI.com - huh?

The Superstar Series presents "Hollywood Hogan: Why I Rule the World" and "The Nature Boy Ric Flair"

SILVER KING v. THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, NORMAN SMILEY - Silver King busts out some English! He IS number one! THIS is a dream match, my friends. Hope Sid doesn't ruin it. Lockup, to the corner, Smiley ducks a clubbin' blow, but King kicks the back of the leg. Slap - off the ropes, shoulderblock. Over, under, catches the leg, enziguiri by King. Somersault senton! Knife-edge chop. King does his Rey impersonation off a whip as we check the Mayhem countdown. Smiley catches him in a wheelbarrow race position, smacks him up like he's his bitch and the crowd comes alive. King to the ropes to break it. Smiley pulls him out and drops him on his back. Into the corner - whip into the other corner - swoop slam! Setting up for the "doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance but King kicks him in the head from behind. Whip is reversed, King climbs the ladder to the top, moonsault misses but he lands on his feet - SPRINGBOARD TOP ROPE MOONSAULT!!! Aw, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT TO HELL SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK. SID VISCOUS is out - power bomb for each man. Double pin for Mother FUCKING Sid. (2:21) FUCK YOU, WCW. Only took you an hour to make up for that awesome Benoit/Malenko match. Piece of shit. AND THERE'S TWO FUCKING "N's" IN "MILLENNIUM, YOU COCKSUCKING SONS OF BITCHES. Sid berates the commentators and who gives a flying fuck.

Closed captioning where available brought to you by George Foreman and Meineke

Strangely enough, instead of still shots, we get outright clips from Berlyn's match at Fall Brawl. Because this is WCW, almost all the clips are of Hacksaw Jim Duggan's offense, with only one clip of Berlyn on offense - his finisher and pin. We see Buff Bagwell arriving late, Mike Graham bitching him out, and Duggan pissed off that he had to job in Bagwell's place. Ha!

STEVE REGAL & DAVE TAYLOR (with Union Jack) v. BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM (with Curt Hennig & Vincenzo & cowbell) - Barry pins Regal following a cowbell shot behind the back of Mickey J. Replays sponsored by Lugz. That's all WCW gets from me. Fuck 'em. (4:14)

I guess they're just going to FORGET about Benoit's title shot since they're too busy hyping the hell out of a big tag team match involving Sting and not Benoit

LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN (with James Hart) v. ? - we cut backstage to see Goldberg exit his locker room and make the long, escorted walk to the entryway - the music starts and I hope he's not gonna stand in pyro in that outfit. Whew, he's not. "Jerry Flynn, I truly apologise for this. I know you got a match, but I've got something very important to say, so just gimme a second, please. You know what, people - I've always been told that good things are worth waitin' for, BUT - I've run out of patience. Every week I've been watching you, Sid...I've been watching you come out here and wreak havoc. And I will admit, that I admire your skill, I admire your size, I admire your strenght, but one thing I WILL not stand for is your mouth! And tonight, I put a stop to it. You know, I work hard at my record. I came out here and destroyed everybody - one after one. But unlike me, Sid, you cheat. You come from behind. You come in unscheduled mathces, and you stick your nose in people's business. I don't admire that, Sid. So, tonight I draw the line. Tonight, I stomp a hole in your ass! So tonight, you show these people, and more importantly, you show me that you got a backbone. You come out from the back, and you show me, Sid, one on on, who the man is. Because not only do I know who it is, these people know who it is, and it ain't you. So quit singin' it, and start bringin' it, 'cause you're next, and I got all the time in the world. So come on, Sid, I'm waitin'." Split screen shows Sid looking on and talking to himself...then packing up...and walking away. Goldberg says if it isn't tonight, it'll be soon "but you never know, 'cause your ass is next." Flynn's had enough waiting, and attacks. Of course, Flynn's lost like a MILLION times to Goldberg already so we don't need to call this a match. Goldberg wisely doesn't cover for a pin after the standard spear/jackhammer combo since this isn't a match. Oh, Flynn's opponent was supposed to be Prince Iaukea, if you're scoring at home. This does NOT affect his position on the WCW Ladder.

Time now for Cheap Bastard Jimmy Barron's Road Report. THUNDER! is live in Florence Thursday. PLEASE show up. Please? We can't have another half-full house! PLEASE!!

WCW Magazine provides still shots of Harlem Heat regaining the tag team titles against the Windhams.

HUGH MORRUS & BRIAN KNOBS (with James Hart) v. HARLEM HEAT for the World tag team championship - Knobs screams out a fairly funny (unintentionally) promo which I won't bother to transcribe. It may be on like neckbone but I'm still pretty pissed off. Morrus and Stevie Ray start. Test of strength? No, Morrus lays off. "Harlem Heat" chant. Still no contact. Lockup, shove. Lockup, into the corner. Ray ducks a clothesline and lets loose with rights. Into the opposite corner, back elbow takes him down to the mat. Eyepoke on his way back up. Whip is reversed, head down, kick from Morrus, but runs into a clothesline. Knobs in - running into a kick. Booker T. in with a double dropkick on the First Family teammates. Ring cleared, Harlem Heat calls to the crowd. Must be time for an ad break!

When we come back, the First Family seems to have control on Stevie Ray, who falls to the outside and into a barrage from Hugh Morrus as well as some shots from Jimmy Hart. Booker T. runs over to help out his brother. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick breaks it up. Now Ray is back in - tag to Morrus. Double shoulderblock for 2. Scoop - and a slam. Morrus to the top - top-rope elbowdrop but only 2. Tag to Knobs. Into the corner they shoot him - Knobs with an avalanche, one from Morrus as well. Knobs drops the elbow and T. breaks up the count. Knobs brings T. back in, distracting Patrick and allowing a doubleteam - but Ray ducks and hits a double clothesline of his own. All three men down. Hot tag! You're down, you're down, you're down, here's an axe kick, there's a Harlem sidekick. Up for the missile dropkick - but the WINDHAMS are out and shoving Booker T. (DQ 7:52) - well, THAT was a waste of my time, wasn't it. Fuckin' WCW. Yeah, like you need to PROTECT the First Family so you can't have them go down by pinfall tonight. Oh no, sir. Not THEM.

One more Fall Brawl encore promo

INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Vampiro & TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. LENNY & LODI - Vampiro shows off his orbital injury at the hands of Kidman's shooting star press last night. Sign call! "AMBIGUOUS AS EVER, DONT U AGREE?" - "THE WORLD NEEDS MORE BLOWPOPS" - "WE BEAT DEAN + M.J. IN B-BALL" - "U.N.C. FEARS E.C.U.!" - oh, and Lodi's wearing an East Carolina jersey to get cheap heat. "East Carolina #1" is the final sign. Before the match starts, C.G. AFI runs into the ring and does the "crazy fan" bit. In case you weren't sure he was a plant, the camera follows him ALL the way to the back. Of COURSE this match is played for laughs. Of COURSE I'm no longer in the mood to provide blow by blow. I guess the word to describe this match is INDY-TASTIC! These guys open the third hour, isn't THAT interesting. Who are the faces in this match, now? Somebody tell Scaia that Lenny's finisher is called the "Memory Lane" and not the "Uncle Slam," for crying out loud. I'm sick of this whole thing. Tony: "Boy, they are making a statement that they deserve a shot at the tag team belts!" Can you imagine Harlem Heat and the ICP? Not the way that *I* can! Oh boy! Lenny and Lodi did the 69 spot! Oh boy! Ending comes when Lodi accidentally butts heads with his brother off the top rope and Shaggy 2 Dope covers for the pin. (5:21) Your replay comes courtesy of Butterfinger - bite me.

CHRIS BENOIT v. (THIS IS) STING for the World Heavyweight Championship - "Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. As I lay my head down to sleep, I just couldn't stop thinking. My mind was racing - all the demons came out. Sid Vicious, last night, you beat me from pillar to post, you showed me exactly why you call yourself the Millennium Man. What bothered me was when I put you in the Crippler Crossface last night, I was sure you tapped out. I was positive you tapped out. And I couldn't sleep all night thinking about it. And when I arrived here in Chapel Hill today, I got on the production truck, and I asked the producer to replay the match. And Sid Vicious, when I hooked you in the Crippler crossface, you tapped out. I seen you tap out! But I didn't come out here to whine and cry. There's no shame in losing - sometimes the calls go your way, sometimes they don't. Sid Vicious, congratulations on winning the US title. What I did here earlier tonight was beat the greatest technical wrestler in WCW today, Dean Malenko, to earn a world title shot. Sting, you want to call yourself the man, you want to call yourself the World Champion - well get your rear end out here and show all these people in Chapell Hill - show the world - just what kind of a true Champion you really are." But it's not Sting - it's RICK WOOF WOOF. "Benoit, I listened to you in the back - sayin' you want a title shot. Sting's got better things to do than to come out here and mess with you. But if you want a title shot, I got a belt right here - let's see how bad you really are, Benoit. Let's find out right here, right now. You want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Bite me!" Oh, hey, they just screwed Benoit again.

RICK WOOF WOOF v. CHRIS BENOIT for the World Television Championship - Blows exchanged to start, but Steiner gains the upperhand with knees. Off the ropes, duck, Steiner catches him and drives him to the mat. Stomp. Head to the buckle. Kick. Right, right, right, right, right, right, argue with referee "Blind" Mickey J. Benoit taken off the ropes, there's a Steinerline. Raking various orifices. And again. Benoit tossed through the ropes - Steiner follows. Head to the barricade. Thrown back in to the ring. Cover - 1, 2, no. Steiner argues the count. Belly-to-belly slam - but only 2 again. Crowd catches fire for Benoit but Steiner takes it to him again. Benoit's done nothing since the beginning. Belly-to-back overhead release suplex. Cover - 1, 2, no. Steiner's had enough - J. thrown through the ropes. Benoit rolls him up - J. back in and 1, 2, Steiner kicks out, J. counts 3 anyway, even giving him the belt they find a way to screw Benoit - nonetheless - Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new television champion - (3:15) Steiner all over Benoit - DEAN MALENKO comes in - there's a staredown, and Steiner backs off. A few more kicks to Mickey J. for good measure. Then Steiner drapes him over the barricade.

Sting carries the power of the card! If he's a heel now, shouldn't they find a new spokesperson? Hmm, can't use Page either...Nash is gone...hmmm...

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Starburst Hard Candy! Give it some juice!

Here's a Special Video Look at the Revolution. I heard that that script on the back of their T-shirts says "I hate Flair" - is that true? Douglas needs to stop obsessing.

EDDIE GUERRERO v. PERRY SATURN (with Shane Douglas & Dean Malenko & Chris Benoit) - 31 August 1998, in fact, is when Hogan and Hart teamed up against Sting & Luger. Hogan and Hart started arguing and got counted out in 11:19. Then the Warrior ... well, it went downhill from there. By the way, Hogan and Hart ALSO teamed up again a few weeks later against Sting and the Warrior. I only say all this because I'm a LITTLE bit tired of "I don't remember Hogan and Hart ever teaming before! These four men have NEVER been in the same ring before!" All right, enough of that ... for now. Before first contact, "Psycho" plays over the PA and KIDMAN, KONNAN and a guy who, thanks to a funny story related to me in an email from TJ I will forever refer to as RAYMOND STEREO walk out to get Eddie's back and provide balance. Finally we lockup, side headlock, takes Saturn to the mat, headscissors, back up, repeat, to a headlock from Guerrero again. Up we go, to the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Guerrero - off the ropes, under, Saturn catches him with a backdrop suplex. Rear chinlock, Eddie elbows out, off the ropes, Eddie with a sleeper. No WAY this match ends in a clean pin. Saturn to his knees. Filthy Animals leading cheers. Saturn lying down now. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick looks in...Tony says we're gonna take an ad break - Saturn off the ropes but Eddie drives a knee in and Saturn flips - NOW we're gonna take an ad break. Okay.

When we come back, we've missed all the action. Another backdrop suplex by Saturn. Revolution trying to lead some synchronised clapping. Saturn off the ropes, Guerrero catches him and there's a belly-to-back suplex from HIM. Saturn blocks another suplex attempt and hits a snap suplex of his own. Now Saturn going for the suplex - Eddie counters with a sleeper - off the ropes and SATURN puts a sleeper on. Eddie lunges for the corner and Saturn's head hits the top buckle. Eddie to the top - Saturn there too - stopping him with a punch - top rope SUPERPLEX! Both men down - Saturn slowly covers - 1, 2, no. Eddie comes back and punches away in the corner - whip is reversed, but Guerrero puts up an elbow. Exploder from Saturn gets 2. There's a springboard into a flying jalapeno. Saturn signs - but Eddie slips the DVD attempt and counters with a rana! Eddie with a brainbuster! Now HE makes the high sign - climbing the ropes - Saturn moves out of the way, so Guerrero rolls through. Saturn with a leapfrog - catches him again - Eddie slides down - Saturn stops and squats - shoulders to the mat - 1, 2, 3. Holy crap, an actual clean pin. (9:19) Everybody in the ring now - staredown? Before anything interesting can happen, we're forced to take an ad break

One more ad for the Fall Brawl encore - bleah

BYRLYN (mit Ute Ludendorf und sein bodyguard) v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Ute Ludendorf joins the commentators, flabbergasting them (THAT took work, hah?) and then speaking Deutsch instead of English. Amazingly, Buff shows up for this match! Bagwell laughs at Berlin's haircut, and then leads a "USA" chant. Lockup, armdrag and pose - Berlyn with a big ol' kyck, hammering hym, off the ropes with a dropkyck. Whyp is reversed into a powerslam. Clotheslyne from Berlyn. Ute's actually using German that I know - not that I don't USUALLY find the commentary distracting when it's in English. Three lariats from Bagwell. Buff perches on the top turnbuckle, but Berlyn pops up and kicks the top rope. Second rope supyrplex. Stompyng away. The bodyguard has some sort of object around hys hand - but referee "Blind" Billy Silverman, in a SHOCKING display of competency, spots what's going on and prevents him from using it. Berlyn with a belly-to-back suplex for 2. To a heydlock. "USA" chant may not be fully piped in - who knows. Bagwell elbows out, Berlyn ryght back on him. Clubbyng forearm to the back of the head. There's a whyp into the ropes and a leg laryat when he comes out. Kneey to the gut. Slyde dropkyck to take Bagwell to the outside. Again, the bodyguard slowly stalks, and Silverman catches him again. Bagwell makes it to the apron, puts a head in the gut, but Berlyn is quickly back. Head to one buckle - head to another is blocked and Bagwell hits HIM on the buckle. Top rope clothesline, dropkick, scoop - and a slam, pose, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Taking him to the corner - time for the ten punch countalong. Berlyn flops while Bagwell pinwheels. Off the ropes, Berlyn holds on - Bagwell after him - there's a hot shot, bodyguard FINALLY gets to use his loaded fist - there's the neckbreyker. 1, 2, 3. (Call 4:11) Cameras get all fuzzy again and just before the ad break, Heenan lets loose with "AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!"

Let's Take A Special Video Look at Sting - were the signs there all along? Was he just waiting all this time to stab us all in the back? Ambitious attempt to make consistency out of the past few years of clips is overshadowed by the fact that while WCW may try to turn Sting, they will probably fail to turn ME. So really, how smart an idea IS this?

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to make noise. The "bad guys" enter together. Oh, how I have MISSED hearing Buffer say "Torture Rack of Doom." Sting's managed to replace the nameplate on the belt already - good for him. Hart and Hogan enter together - how about that? Team unity on both sides! Tony immediately annoys me by saying this is the first time Bret's wrestled since his brother died - hey dumbshit - oh never mind.

(THIS IS) STING & THE NARCISSIST v. BRET CLARKE & YOU KNOW WHO - Everybody brawls on the outside before the introductions are done - Hart and Luger, and Hogan and Sting. Referee is Charles Robinson, which seems to BEG for Sid to ruin this match. Hogan and Sting in the ring - Sting's head on the turnbuckle. Pounding away - now choking him when he tries to escape. Right hand, climbing to the second rope for the ten punch countalong. Sting staggers to the centre of the ring, Hogan ko's him. Tag to Hart. Right, right, right, right, right, Bret is a technical MONSTER. Backbreaker breaks the monotony of the punches. Headbutt to the abdomen. Sting rakes the face. Off the ropes, clothesline from Sting. Elbowdrop, another elbowdrop. Sting calls to the crowd - and they answer. Right hand from Sting. Off the ropes, duck, double clothesline and both men are down. Hogan leading some synchronised clapping. Sting makes the tag. Elbowdrop - misses - tag to Hogan! Point, boot, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Right hand. Off the ropes, big boot. Sting in, down after a right. But Hogan turns around and eats a big Ace toolbox elbow. Now Luger stomping away. Big scoop - and a big slam. Tag to Sting. Sting to the top - top-rope splash - 1, 2, Hogan gets a shoulder up. Sting drops an elbow on the knee. And again. Half crab from Sting. Tag to Luger. Luger drapes the knee on the bottom rope, then buttdrops it. Now big stomping on the knee. Hart comes in and distracts the ref, so Luger puts on a big choke. "Hogan" chant - allegedly. Sting and Hogan trading blows - now Hogan coming back - now Sting raking the face to stop that momentum. Tag to Luger. Big double sledge, and another. Another big stomp. Luger drives the head to the buckle - nope. Blocked by Hogan. Luger's head meets the buckle - nine times! Luger makes a big desperation kick to the knee and hits it. Tag to Sting. Snap suplex - but Hogan pops right back up. Clothesline. Sting goes to the mat and tries to go for the knee. Got it. Sting stomps on the knee. Tag to Luger - who continues to work on the knee. Big atomic drop. Big kicks to the knee. Hogan goes to the eyes. Now Hogan's punching back. Now Luger goes to the big eyepoke. Tag to sting. Double clothesline ducked, Hogan hits a double clothesline of his own. All three men down. There's the hot tag! Hart's a house on fire! Sting left in - whip into the ropes, gutshot, side Russian legsweep for 2. Backbreaker across the knee. Second rope elbowdrop. Luger in to break the count. Hogan is in. Big boot to Luger! Well, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is walking to the ring with a baseball bat. Hart has Sting in the Sharpshooter - Page in with the bat, but Hogan cuts him off. The bat falls to the canvas, where Luger picks it up - and PASTES Hart right in the nose with it. Sting hooks the leg as Robinson finally turns around. 1, 2, 3. (9:59) Sting, Page, and Luger walk off arm in arm. Hart's covered up by the trainer...and we're out.

Fortunately for me, I stopped caring.

CRZ
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