I GET LETTERS: Complaint of the week:
Dude, every week I read your recap of Raw, and every week I get
more and more irritated. The way you have to change everyone's
names is really juvenile. The way you call Vince McMahon "Vincent
K." or Jeff Jarrett "Jedoubleff Jarrdoubleedoublett" or whatever
the hell it is is so stupid and pointless. Why not call the guys
by their names instead of making up these childish nickmanes for
them! It is really, REALLY stupid!
Thanks for the note, dude! Have you tried my Nitro report?
Actually, my tradition of juvenile names goes all the way back to my
earliest reports. (When I was a lot closer to still being juvenile, by
the way.) My finest achievement was probably calling Billy & Bart Gunn
the SMOKING SCOTSMEN. Of course, there was always YOKOZIMA... curiously
refreshing! And who can forget good ol' MARTYR JANNETTY? Whoops! He's
still rasslin'! But still, the GREATEST typo I ever made!
So, to sum up, I *was* going to put everybody's name in nice and plain,
but then I decided that would be less fun. And I need all the fun I can
get, if you smell what I'm cookin'...
One World Leader Attitude - The World Wrestling Federation!
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week - as that TV-PG-V box flashes,
Undertaker DEMANDS a title shot - Austin is ready to comply, but Mr.
McMahon's got different ideas. The #1 Contender is to be the winner of a
Triple Threat match between Kane, Mankind, and the Undertaker. Undertaker
fails to show, Mankind refuses to fight. Kane knocks out Mankind with a
chair, crosses his arms, Undertaker-style, then removes his mask to reveal
that he IS the Undertaker. Reaction shot of Austin. And that's how we
ended last week.
The show is close-captioned, but they STILL can't figure out the words of
the opening theme song. FIREWORKS! LIVE from the ConAir Arena in East
Rutherford, New Jersey, it's RAW! It's also en espanol sea disponible,
and VLADIMIR is in the front row!
Holy crap! It's SHAWN MICHAEL'S music playing! And it's the REAL Shawn
Michaels! He's even trimmed his hair and shaved and everything! He must
be whipped...anyway, he takes the third chair, joining our hosts, Jim Ross
and Jerry Lawler, who provide all commentary. I'll give him a moment in
the spotlight before I ask myself why he didn't come out to the DX music -
well, actually, it's probably better that he didn't. "I was sitting at
home last night - I saw wrestling fans BRUTALIZED by the competition and
I thought to myself...I gotta come back." Ross asks Michaels when he's
coming back, and Shawn says he doesn't know.
UNDERTAKER v. VADER (inexplicably, still wearing mask) - what the hell is
this? We can't start Monday Night RAW without a Vince McMahon interview!
Well, I guess I'll let it go...*this* time. Undertaker motions to turn on
the lights, but Kane's ringpost fire thing ALSO goes off and 'taker almost
burns his own face - did he MEAN to do that? Before the match even
starts, we are treated to the music of KANE, and there he is, along with
PAUL BEARER and MANKIND. Well, did the match change when I wasn't paying
attention? Kane lights the ringposts on fire again - I guess they're just
going to stick around the ringside area. Vader, who was looking at the
ringside occupants, had his back to the Undertaker - a mistake. This
match is pretty back'n'forth. 'Taker shows a pretty nice - well, let's
call it a jumping Rocker dropper (no hands, too!) 'Taker does his
tightrope walking thing. Clothesline and Vader is sent out. The Cult of
Bearer does nothing. Undertaker walks out and hits Vader against the
barricade. Undertaker and Kane share a look - and that's all Lawler needs
to conclude that Kane and 'taker ARE in cahoots. Vader counters an attack
by turning it into a powerslam. Vader with the ham hocks, clothesline,
splash, 1, 2, no. Elbowdrop by Vader. Fans are so excited by this match
they're chanting "HBK." Shawn Michaels rectifies a situation by praising
Mankind's performance at King of the Ring more than either other
commentator did the previous two weeks. Vader with a big splash from the
second rope but only 2. The Pale Destroyer comes back with a chokeslam,
then a Tombstone for the pin (4:38). Mankind has a chair - he's going to
hit the Undertaker - no, Kane grabs the chair from Mankind. Now KANE hits
VADER with the chair. Now, Kane's music plays - huh? Now we're all
confused. Are Undertaker and Kane working together or not? Replay of
Kane taking the chair from Mankind. We cut to a shot of EDGE, who is up
there in the nosebleed section (but his nose is surprisingly blood free!)
There's Charles Waay and Tyrone Wheatley! They're New Jersey Giants!
Skittles brings you WWF: FULLY LOADED! Get fully loaded and pay good
money for it!
BART GUNN v. BOB HOLLY in a BRAWLforALL match - All three commentators
have pretty funny things to say, running down last night's WCW main event
- I can't believe Michaels admits to paying for it, though! Ross tells us
that Jim Cornette has resigned as the Midnight Express' manager, due to
their participation in this tourney. Playing the part of Danny Hodge is
normal WWF ref JACK DOANE. Before the first round, Bob's got a little
shove. Bart's a southpaw, don'cha now. Round 1 was boring. I guess Bart
got more punches in but it was close... the trainers are slightly more
interesting than the fighters. Round 2 is a little better, I guess. This
fight is settling into Bart letting Bob hit him in the body while he tries
to set up good shots to the head. Shawn alludes to Bob's racing career -
he's been gone longer than I thought! Bart staggers Bob in the third
round but I don't think it's gonna happen. Lawler tells us that we'll be
treated to another Brawl later in the show - Severn vs. Kama. Yo. Well,
at least nobody tried a takedown tonight, that's a good thing. Still, you
have to wonder why Ross still tries to sell this to us. Bart is announced
as the winner (15-0) - and they play the Brawl theme instead of the
Midnight Express theme. Bart looks for the handshake - and Bob CLOBBERS
him. A brief scuffle ensues but is quickly broken up. Hmm, I'm starting
to wonder if this might not just be booked after all...
Last week, DX portrayed the Nation. We are reminded of who played who.
That guy who played Owen Hart was Jason Sensation, and we are treated to
highlights of his performance - still dead on and dead funny. We cut to
the back, and the NATION are back there, shouting and pointing - but the
TV screen doesn't answer. When we come back, we'll get their response.
They're STILL back there in heated discussion - meanwhile, JASON SENSATION
himself is at the commentary table - Jerry Lawler has him do some Owen.
Then he does some Bret, and Shawn asks "Who is that, some midcarder?"
More Owen. Some Undertaker. Shawn Michaels. Steve Austin. I think his
Owen is definitely the best one. So he does some more Owen. Jim Ross
brings it back to reality by asking him what a fan he is - Jason says he
is only a fan - he has nothing but respect for the superstars. Bringing
in the NATION who's in the back. The Rock is unhappy with Triple H - Kama
is gonna show the Badd Ass that "pimpin' ain't easy" (hey, that's an Ice T
song!). Mark Henry tells X-Pac "you worried about my chest? You need to
worry 'bout my hands wrapped around your scrawny little neck!" D-Lo tells
Jesse James he better recognize. And Owen gives it to Jason Sensation
including something that's censored - Lawler says not to worry, he won't
really come out - so Jason does a little more Owen. Then Owen comes out
and slaps the taste out of his mouth. After a little shoving for the
King, Owen grabs Jason and puts him in the ring. Then he puts the
Sharpshooter on him, and Jason does a damn fine job of selling. The rest
of the Nation comes out to stop Owen - who looked as if he'd rather keep
going, all things being equal. Now D-GENERATION-X is out to make the
save. The Nation scatter.
During the break footage shows DX walking Jason back to the back to get
THE ROCK & WHINY BITCH OWEN HART v. X-PAC & HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (with
Chyna) - DX attacks before the bell and the brawl is on. All four men are
fighting and DX is getting the better of it. Either Shawn says something
or Owen and the Rock, outside the ring near the table, say something that
gets muted. Dammit, just let it go. We learn that just added to the
Fully Loaded card is the Rock vs. Helmsley in a 2-out-of-3 falls match.
All right! Title for title AND 2/3 falls, about time we had some matches
like that. Eh, whatever. X-Pac and the Rock are in the ring. The Rock
with a Samoan Drop for 2. Tag to Owen, who climbs the ropes and delivers
a top rope elbow drop for 2. Ross asks Michaels what his relationship is
with DX - Shawn demurs, but leaves the impression that his role with the
WWF is purely on colour for now. Meanwhile, Owen has been working over
X-Pac but can only get 2 every time. X-Pac tries to come back but Owen
ducks a cross body block. Owen with a backbreaker and a tag. Hart and
Maivia make a wish. Hart climbs the ropes and points to his genitalia for
the fans. The Rock, meanwhile, has continued his attack on X-Pac. X-Pac
FINALLY comes back with a series of martial arts kicks. Rock fires back
with a lariat for 2. There's a bodyslam. And now, it's time for the
People's Elbow(tm) but again, only 2. Hunter's in, distracting referee
"Blind" Mike Ciota, so the Rock hits a blatant blow in "un foul" region.
Chyna's up to complain, Owen is over to discuss politics with Chyna, Ciota
turns to them, so Helmsley waffles the Rock with the European title.
X-Pac manages to cover but Rocky rolls the shoulder after 2. Before X-Pac
can make it to his corner, Rocky is up and giving a cheap shot to
Helmsley. But when he turns around, X-Pac has recovered - and hits a
faceslam - for a pin! (6:30) The NEW AGE OUTLAWS are out to congratulate
their stablemates and all five walk back, while Owen and the Rock fume in
the ring about what might have been.
Backstage, we see Marc Mero and Jacqueline doing the touchy-feely thing.
When we come back, Mero takes on Steve Blackman - and Sable will be out
As we see a live shot of the Tri-State area, we learn the RAW is brought
to you by WWF: The Music, Volume 2 (Goodygotit!), the JVC Kaboom!box, and
Mead *****, the toughest name in something or other.
SABLE bounces out to join the commentators. Ross and Michaels
make two different "Fully Loaded" puns, while Lawler fawns over her
headset. "Anything I say complementary about her, Jennifer, is a joke."
See, Shawn IS whipped! Sable promises that the suit she'll wear at Fully
Loaded will make her Slammy suit look like an evening gown.
MARVELOUS MARC MERO (with Jacqueline) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs &
Murtaugh - in a theatre near you!) - my VCR conked out here, so I probably
missed some dynamite double entendres - or maybe I didn't. This is return
match from that stellar Brawl for All contest we're all still trying to
forget from two weeks ago. The fans are so into this match they're
chanting "Sable" as if it was "Goldberg." Next thing we know, Jackie is
trash-talking Sable. Next thing we know, referee "Obviously not Blind"
Jim Korderas is out to separate the four - er, two women. Meanwhile, in
the ring (I'll *bet* you were wondering when I was going to describe some
ring action) Mero has done his trademarked low blow, and a fallaway slam -
why not a TKO? Because he's calling up Jacqueline for a top rop
manoeuvre. Unfortunately, we don't get to see it, because Sable has moved
the rope, crotching Jackie! Neither the commentators nor myself have any
idea if that actually hurts...anyway, Blackman hits a snappy high kick for
the pin. (2:09). Mero is annoyed that Sable's cost him another match.
We take a backstage shot of DX, and another one of Paul Bearer's Cult.
Those two teams will fight for the Tag Team Titles - NEXT!
THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with Chyna) v. KANE & MANKIND (with Paul Bearer) for
the WWF World Tag Team Championships - the Champs come out first, so we
can all sing along with Colin - err, Jesse. Almost a whole hour has come
by, and two chance, and Jim Ross has NOT said "hell fire and brimstone" a
SINGLE time. I find this extremely troubling. The attendance is
announced at 17,569 - I think Ross just wanted to sneak a 69 in there to
see if I'd notice. Before the match starts, BONG....BONG...and out comes
THE UNDERTAKER. Why? Just 'cause, I guess. I missed the opening bell,
but James and Mankind start. Oh yeah, Mankind is still wearing the shirt
and tie. Mankind and James go back and forth, then Gunn is tagged in -
Gunn drops Mankind on his separated shoulder - before he can tag in Kane,
he rolls to the outside, where Chyna is waiting, and whacks him in the
shoulder with a tag belt. Back in, tag to James, who wraps Mankind's arm
around the top rope. Mankind comes to, whips James into a corner, and
lunges at James - who moves. Mankind whacks his own shoulder again. Tag
to Gunn, who jumps - but lands in a Mandible Claw! James breaks it up,
but Mankind gets a chance to tag in Kane. As you can imagine, Kane has no
problem doing whatever the hell he wants. Gunn ends up outside, where
Mankind whips him into the STEEL steps. Meanwhile, we have no idea what
exactly Undertaker is doing out there. And here's THE ROCK & OWEN HART -
what are THEY doing here? In the ring, Gunn and Mankind have butted heads
and both men are down. Tag to Kane - tag to James. Jeames is a house on
fire - or is he? All his punches have no effect on Kane. James give
Mankind two shots to make sure he doesn't come back. Gunn is in -
piledriver on Mankind! The Outlaws are doubleteaming Kane, and he's
finally off his feet after Gunn hits a Rocker dropper. James with a side
Russian legsweep - X-PAC and HHH are beating up Owen and Rocky. Gunn is
out to help - MARK HENRY is out - referee "Blind" Tim White goes outside
to break up THAT melee - wait! Now D-LO BROWN is here - frog splash on
James, right on D-Lo's chest protector! Kane hits a tombstone on James -
1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (5:09ish)
I doubt they needed it, but we'll score an assist to the Nation. All of
DX is complaining to the ref, to no avail.
Steve Austin has a 3:16 jersey! Oh boy! And only $48.99? Hell yeah!
What a deal! Where's my piggy bank?
Backstage, we see Hunter pleading DX's case to VINCENT K. himself - this
is like the first time we see McMahon tonight, ten minutes into the War
TAKA MICHINOKU & TOO MUCH v. KAIENTAI (with Yamaguchi-San) - Anybody wanna
tell me how THIS match came about? Christopher and Funaki start -
Christopher with a Sunset flip - tag to Taylor, neat doubleteam moves.
Tag to Teoh, Taylor knocks him down. Taylor with a kick and a gutwrench,
then a moonwalk. Tag to Taka. Big kick to the head, dropkick from the
top rope. Taka motions for the Michinoku Driver - the other two Kaientai
members run in and clock Taka - Too Much run in to protect their teammate
and all three scatter. Togo ends up accidentally clotheslining his
partner, and Christopher is tagged in. Nice powerbomb by Christopher
after a series of switches. Tag to Taylor. Christopher dropes Taylor in
a legdrop for 2 (save by teammate). Taylor with a dancin' elbow that
misses. Togo with a moonsault. 1, 2, Christopher saves. The other two
Kaientai members are in to double dropkick for 2 - Taka saves. Taylor
with a suplex for 2 (save) - see a pattern? Taylor and Michinoku are
arguing - Taka dropkicks Taylor into a powerslam and sentonbomb for the
pin. (3:39) - now Christopher is in to pound on Michinoku, and he's thrown
out of the ring. Too Much console each other while - whoops, there's VAL
VENIS appearing on the ramp. "Hello, ladies - Yamaguchi-San! Last week,
when your gang of three came out and attacked me from behind, and you took
your wide open hand and slapped me across my face - I realised two things.
#1, I was wrong. #2, I realised that no man should ever, EVER mess with
another man's wife. So with that in mind, I would like to offer you my
most deepest, sincere apologies. Furthermore, to show you exactly how
sincere I really am, I would like to offer you a chance to view a special
view of my latest video entitled "Land of the Rising Venis." The scene is
Venis in bed, moaning, and saying "Honey, did you find the remote?" Now
if you've been paying any kind of attention at all, you don't need me to
tell you that his costar is Mrs. Yamaguchi-San, do you? She seems
happier. "Hey, Yamaguchi-San! Huh huh huh, when they get a taste of the
big Val-bowski, they never ever come back, heh heh." So let's see, Venis
steals a guy's wife - and HE'S the GOOD guy in this feud?
We see another shot of Mr. McMahon. He's NEXT!
Skittles presents the Slam of the Week - it's from last week's RAW is WAR,
and it's EVERY time the Undertaker screwed up a match by chokeslamming
everyone involved. We are treated to a replay of Ross screaming "Who's
your daddy D-LO?!?"
Well, it's about 80 minutes too late, but VINCENT K. is finally out to
share a few words with us. "Thank you very much for that warm Tri-State
reception! In a few moments I will address whether or not we will have
the Tag Team rematch in this ring, but for now I would like to introduce
the most demonic, the most twisted soul in the WWF, the UNDERTAKER." And
out he comes. Again. It's probably important to note that 'taker's scowl
never meets the gaze of McMahon, going so far as to avoid Vince's gaze as
he walks around the ring. "Well, aren't we proud of ourselves as of late?
My goodness, what won't you do to become the WWF Champion? Let's just
revisit Hell in the Cell if we may. Look what you did to Mankind. The
only hell was experienced by Mankind, not you. You were making a
statement. 'No thing or no body will get in your way of becoming the WWF
Champion.' And then, notwithstanding you chokeslamming just about every
WWF Superstar on the roster into oblivion, of course then you had to go
and pull that stunt of last week, and I must say that was a bit of genius.
You fooled EVERYBODY, including me, and I'm not easy to fool. (Shawn:
"Welll...") However, the question is, whether or not, you are doing all of
this on your own, or whether or not last week, you had some help from your
brother. Now you've refused to answer everyone else who's put the
question to you, you won't refuse Vince McMahon. (UT turns to face him.)
So now, the question is Undertaker, are you in cahoots with your brother
Kane? Answer me." "You want an answer?" And he grabs the mic forcefully
from McMahon. "You can go to hell." "Who do you - hey, who do you think
you are," and this time when Vince says it, it's not as forceful and not
without a touch of fear in his voice. Of course, to save his ass, I hear
breaking glass...and out comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Hmm, you think
he'd be happy to see Vince get his, but oh well. "The Undertaker just
told ya to go to hell, so spin around and I'll give you a kick in the ass,
and give you a little head start!" Austin addresses Undertaker, saying he
respects that he had the guts to ask him to his face for a title shot, but
before SummerSlam, they have to team up in the Fully Loaded Main Event
against Kane & Mankind. In short, "where the hell are you coming from?"
Undertaker's answer: "You go to hell with him!" Next thing we know, out
come D-GENERATION X to join the party. Helmsley takes the mic. "You know
it seems that everybody here in the WWF wants answers, but with all due
respect to probably the two toughest SOB's in the WWF today, DX would like
some answers from you, Mr. McMahon. But before I ask the question whether
the Outlaws get a rematch tonight, let me tell you the answer. The answer
is yes...and what you're gonna get, you're gonna get to find out whether
the Undertaker and Kane are in cahoots. What you're gonna do is give us
that match and give us three referees - one on the inside, and two Special
Enforcers on the outside - the Undertaker, and Stone Cold Steve Austin."
Vince: "You got it!" Helmsley: "So you're saying we get our match - we
only got two words left for you, McMahon - SUCK IT!" Before we leave, we
get to see Austin flip McMahon the bird one more time.
Backstage, we see a split screen of the Godfather and Dan Severn getting
ready for their BRAWLforALL - it's NEXT!
SummerSlam is only SEVEN weeks away! Highway to Hell!
Hey, there's EDGE!
THE GODFATHER v. DAN SEVERN in a BRAWLforALL match - Ross plugs UFC: A
Night of Champions - this Friday on Pay Per View! While Jack Doane gives
the instructions, let's take an ad break.
Round 1: Kama is trying to punch - oh, I guess we're not supposed to call
him Kama anymore. Meanwhile, Dan is trying for takedowns - ehh, what a
wuss. Godfather tries to hit the kidneys while Severn clenches. Also,
Severn refuses to break the hold. Round 2: Same. Kama punches and Severn
works the takedowns - but once he HAS the takedown, he doesn't let go. In
fact, Doane calls for a penalty for Severn's stalling. Man, this one is
so BORING. Kinda like Severn's UFC bouts. Lawler shouts out "These
people wanna see some HAYMAKERS!" but I don't think Severn was listening.
"We want wrestling" chant fires up. Commentators are now openly rooting
for the Godfather to paste him. Unofficial score has Kama ahead, but I
think they're being a bit harsh in not counting Severn's takedowns.
Michaels calls Severn "Ken Shamrock" once this round. Well, this fight
SUCKED, and I blame Dan Severn. Of course, he wins (points). Hey, when
are we gonna see a damn TOURNAMENT bracket for this, huh?
Split screen shows Undertaker and Steve Austin preparing for their guest
referee slots. Undertaker paces, while Austin opens up a Whup-Ass Ale and
takes a swig.
After RAW, check out CODE RED at wwf.com - Kevin Kelly is arguing with
somebody about something. Eh, who cares.
KANE & MANKIND v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS in a return bout for the WWF Tag Team
Championship - Ross gets a third and final chance to say "hellfire and
brimstone" and doesn't take it - how very sad. Undertaker and Steve
Austin also get entrances (Austin brings his cooler), and I'm wondering
how much time we'll have left for this match - it's nine 'til already.
The reg'lar referee for this match is Mike Ciota. Immediately, all four
men start brawling again - Gunn and Mankind outside, Kane and James
inside. Gunn delivers a WICKED shot on Mankind's head with the STEEL
steps. Kane runs the ropes, but Gunn stops him short. James with a
dropkick to the knee, Gunn with a chopblock and Kane falls. Outlaws make
a wish. They leave Kane and both attack Mankind on the outside. To the
ramp, and before the double suplex, Kane knocks over all three men with a
double clothesline. Kane grabs James by the hair and brings him back to
the ring. Big boot to the head. Kane with a choke, and a lunge for Ciota
at 4. Hard Irish whip. Kane stands on the throat. Tag to Mankind.
Punches and chokin'. Kick to the head. Repeat. And one more, why not.
James lunges for his corner, but doesn't make it as Mankind grabs him by -
the teeth? Back to his own corner and the doubleteam is on. Tag to Kane.
Shot to the gut, and another to the face. Sidewalk slam and Kane climbs
the ropes - top rope clothesline - 1, 2, Gunn breaks it up. Back into his
corner and there's a tag. Whip, boot to the gut, swinging neckbreaker by
Mankind. 1, 2, Austin points out that the Road Dog's foot is on the rope.
Sleeper applied, but they're backed into the corner. Tag to Kane. James'
head meets the turnbuckle. Chop (woooo!) - tag to Mankind. Finally,
Billy Gunn figures he'd better do something, and he comes in and beats up
Mankind. Somehow in all this, Ciota ends up on the wrong end of a splash
and gets wiped out. Now it's a headbutt to James. Now James hits a
Golotta on Kane and cradles him. Austin goes in to make the count - 1, 2,
Undertaker pulls him out. A brief argument ensues on the outside, while
on the inside, Kane has the Road Dog up - chokeslam! Undertaker is in to
count - 1, 2, AUSTIN pulls HIM away. Now there's a staredown - now Kane's
hitting Austin. Now Undertaker and Mankind are going at it. Now the
NATION has hit the ring - here comes DX! Now Austin's stunned Kane!
Undertaker has chokeslammed Helmsley! Now they're alternating people,
Austin with the Stunner and Undertaker with the chokeslam! With the ring
clearing out - Undertaker and Austin are the only ones remaining...
...oops, we're out of time. Dammit!