I didn't want to write last week. Could you tell?
"The show must go on" is a real bitch. But I made a decision last week and figured if the actual performers could go on, I'd report it.
And that's all I'm gonna say about it for now.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
The TV-14-DLV logo appears as JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER welcome us to the broadcast. "...earlier today, funeral services were held for Owen Hart today in Calgary, Alberta Canada."
Shots from outside the funeral, including many wrestlers - I don't think we needed that shot of Stu & Helen - let's leave them alone, huh? "In Memory of Owen Hart, 1965-1999" graphic, and Lawler sends his condolences on behalf of the WWF. Ross promises to kick off RAW "in a big way" when we come back.
On the USA Network, WWF RAW is brought to you by TRANE.
LAST SUNDAY: Clip montage from "Over the Edge" shows Shane once again fail to complete a 3 count for Steve Austin. Vince heroically returns but ends up being shoved into Austin and into a fast 3 count from Shane. The Undertaker is once again WWF Champion.
Opening Credits: RAW IS WAR'S ADORNED IN A TIE!
Welcome everyone to the Mark of the Quad for Memorial Day (observed) in the US - 31.5.99 (but taped 25.5) - this is RAW is WAR on USA & TSN, closed captioned for the hearing impaired (huh?), en espanol donde sea disponible and it's time to start with some good ol' fashioned talkin'!
DRUIDS carry out that symbol thing that causes all sorts of consternation in advance of the CORPORATE MINISTRY - Paul Bearer is bearing the Austin WWF title belt. Tonight, we're told Austin will be sacrificed to the "greater power" - who can it be now? Lawler says he's pretty sure he knows who it is, and I guess the implication is that it's Shane. "It was THIS hand that changed the course of the World Wrestling Federation forever! You see, as the appointed official for the WWF Championship match between the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin, just a little over one week ago, it was Stone Cold Steve Austin who felt Shane McMahon's ultimate power as I looked into his eyes, the shoulders were down on the mat, and I counted, one, (pause) two, (pause) three! That sweet sound of success resulted in our World Wrestling Federation championship being around the Undertaker's waist. Austin, I did exactly what I said I was gonna do, however, tonight Stone Cold there's just one more thing." "Austin, whether you want to accept the fact or not, the fact is this - I beat you up all over Kansas City and I am the World Wrestling Federation champion, and you can't do anything about it, but ya see Austin, that was only Phase 1. Phase 2 now begins. For the past three months, I promised Him - that on this night I would deliver you, mind, body and soul. Tonight, right here in this very ring, the Higher Power, will be here, and I will take you, Austin, and I will - " we pause for the "Austin" chant - "tonight, Austin, I will deliver you to Him - you will look into His eyes, and you will see your Lord, your Saviours, and your Guiding Light. Austin, it is your Destiny. You will be presented with the most pride that anyone can present a gift with, and you, in front of all these millions of fans will know, He is indeed your Lord and Master." Undertaker spends a lot of time at key moments eyeing Shane here, hint hint. "Undertaker -" VINCENT K. is out wagging a finger. "Undertaker, Shane I hope you enjoy your moment of basking in your glory because that's just about all it's gonna be - just a moment. You see, Undertaker, you didn't defeat Stone Cold for the WWF title, no - Undertaker, you SCREWED Austin. So therefore, tonight, I'm gonna SCREW you." I hope he doesn't mean that LITERALLY. "Tonight Undertaker, in the very ring that you stand, you will compete, and you will defend the WWF Championship - and you will defend it against Stone Cold Steve Austin." "Hey Vince! You forget that I have the control of half this company, and by the way, I'M calling the shots! So I'll tell you one thing. The Undertaker will be happy to annihilate Steve Austin here tonight; however, it will NOT be for the World Wrestling Federation Championship!" "I gotta tellya - title or no title - Austin's gonna wipe the mat with your carcass here tonight, Undertaker. In Stone Cold's own words, Austin's gonna *kick your ass*. But you know what, Undertaker - *look at me when I'm talkin' to you*. Before Austin kicks your ass tonight, I'm gonna give you the privlige of kicking mine. You see, for what you did to my daughter Stephanie. For the hell you put my wife Linda through. For the fact that you turned my own son against me - you've turned Shane into some sort of monster! The fact that you've screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin - Undertaker, I may not get very much of you, but tonight I'm gonna GET ME SOME." "That's it Vince! That's it! You've finally found your grapefruits! I like that! I like to reward bravado! So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. If tonight Vince, by some miracle you're able to defeat the Undertaker in this very ring, then tonight, the WWF championship WILL be on the line with Stone Cold Steve Austin versus the Undertaker! However, this just in, a quick added stipulation, if anybody in the back, any members of the Union or Stone Cold Steve Austin himself interferes with your match with the Undertaker, then Austin will lose his championship privliges, meaning NO title shot!" "All right Shane, you're on. Because when you think about it, I've got everything to gain, and just about nothing to lose." "Well, Vince, you might not have much to lose except maybe a few teeth, however I'll tell you one thing. Stone Cold Steve--" and we break for the "asshole" chant. "Stone Cold Steve Austin has quite a bit to lose, you see Vince, because if you do not defeat the Undertaker in this very ring here tonight, then Austin will never, and I mean never, EVER again get a shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship!" Everybody walks back, but not before the sound of breaking glass and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN unmasking - he was one of the Druids! He gets in some shots on the Undertaker before the Corporate Ministry overpowers Austin - now the ONION is out and it's at least a Pier Ten brawl. A cavalcade of referees and officials manage to put some distance between the two groups of people. Let's take a break and catch our breath!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Austin unmasks - hey good thing the psychic sound guy knew to cue his music! There's the Union - there we go.
Backstage, Austin expresses unhappiness at the Union - shoving Test to the ground. Shamrock: "That's the way you want it? That's what you'll get!"
Commentators run into the ground that a Vince McMahon win will give us an Austin title shot. And if Vince DOESN'T win, Austin will NEVER get a title shot. So I think we all know WHAT the ending will be...but HOW will we get there?
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. MR. ASS - Somehow I can't see this one squashing in under a minute - still, Big Show gets the big beal to start. Ass ducks the lockup attempt, stinging rights have no effect, there's a headbutt from the Big Show. To the corner, big chop. Eyepoke from Gunn to gain control. Off the ropes, duck, Gunn hits a dropkick to the knees. Now that he's down, he's going to try to keep him there. Stompin' away on the knee, the back of the knee, Big Show shoves him away but he stays on him. Again Gunn is pushes away but again he comes back to an attack on the knee. To the eyes for 4. Stomp on the knee. Gunn runs into a boot. Lariat, another, Big Show signals but Mr. Ass decides to take a powder outside the ring. As referee "Blind" Jim Korderas gets to 10 (COR 2:56) ROAD DOGG appears behind his former tag team partner - Dogg gets in the shots, ducking Gunn's - Dogg throws him back in the ring and there's the Show Stopper, which I prefer to still call ahhhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM. Here's a replay of that move.
Backstage, the Beav' expresses nervousness, then buries his head in his mom's tits. 'kay.
Backstage, Patterson and Brisco tell Vince that this match isn't a good idea - Vince says a man's gotta do...and please stay out of it.
RAW is WAR comes to you through the kind sponsorship of Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and Chef Boyardee! The Rock's ad has been pushed back to next Monday!
CHRISTIAN (with a burning ring o' far) v. HARRY "BEAVER" CLEAVAGE (with Mrs. Cleavage) - Christian comes out alone with Gangrel's entrance and music. The Beav comes out in black'n'white filmovision. Beav thinks Christian's a hippy! Some people think that about ME, too. Everybody figured out that this is Mosh, 'cause this is the last time I bring it up. Okay. Lockup, arm wringer from Cleavage, Christian off the ropes, shoulderblock from Cleavage, off the ropes, leapfrog, off the ropes, head down, shot from Christian but runs into a powerslam for 2. Into the corner, whip into the opposite corner, dueling hiptosses and Christian hits it. Gutshot - facebuster for 2. Mrs. Cleavage on the apron with a scolding finger for Christian. Christian manages a kick off the ropes, anyway. Ten punch count along only goes 3 - Cleavage counters with snake eyes. Cleavage stomping away - sprinboard lariat to Christian on the apron - quick embrace for his mom. Bossman straddle on the second rope - now he's riding him like a hobby horse. Mrs. Cleavage with a stern lecture, her son with a whip - Christian sidesteps the charge and hits a belly-to-back suplex. Cleavage with punches, whip, go behind from Christian - Slop Drop! Whip into the corner, Cleavage goes under and dumps him onto the apron - Christian scales the turnbuckles but Cleavage crotches him. Superplex? No, Christian shoves him off and then hits a - frog elbowdrop? Frogs don't HAVE elbows! MICHAEL HAYES & HARDY BOYZ are out and holding the legs. Apparently Mrs. Cleavage is distracting referee "Blind" Teddy Long as Hayes hits a walkin' stick shot. Cleavage hits a suplex from the slop drop position and gets the pin. (3:49) Christian is rather unhappy with this, springs to the turnbuckle and hits a plancha on his trio of nemeses. But even with a surprise advantage, the three quickly overtake the one. While Hayes wails away on Christian, the Hardys lie in wait for GANGREL & EDGE, successfully staving them off for a while - double charge - double back bodydrop over the top rope. Now Hayes being doubleteamed, but off the ropes, Hayes manages to hang on and slide out. They depart, leaving the Brood in the ring.
Undertaker, backstage, to Shane: "Nothing's gonna stand in the way of the vow I've made - not Austin, not Vince McMahon, NOBODY."
The FRAM Sure Grip of the Week is Shamrock's sure grip on Jeff Jarrett's ankle, advancing him in the King of the Ring tournament. He may have won the battle but lost the war, however, as Jarrett wraps a guitar around Shamrock's head.
Vince shows off his chest by way of "preparing for his upcoming match."
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. GODFATHER (with six - no, THREE ho's) for the Intercontinental Championship - I think it's fair to say that as this match goes, so would have gone the Over the Edge IC title match. Godfather spells Ho "HOE" so maybe he's really a gardener! Godfather tells Jarrett he's got something belonging to him (referring to Debra, in a frightening display of continuity) Godfather promises that after he kicks Jarrett's ass, EVERYBODY will get to see Debra's goods. Godfather with the first kick and punch, head to the buckle, whip into the opposite corner, but the splash fails as Jarrett puts the boots up - Jarrett with a clothesline from the second rope, punch, head to the buckle, punch, whip is reversed, Godfather hits snake eyes. A charge off the ropes fails when Jarrett ducks and puts him over the top rope to the floor. Jarrett follows and takes his head to the STEEL steps. Here's a punch, and we're back in - Jarrett on the top rope - plancha for 2 and a big fraction. Jarrett with a punch - whip is reversed, punch is ducked, Jarrett caught for a slam for 2. Godfather with an atomic drop - now kicking away, straight right hands, whip into the opposite corner, and it's time once again for the Ice Train - err, Ho Train avalanche. Off the ropes, big boot. Debra is up on the apron to distract Godfather while Jarrett lies motionless in the ring. The top is coming off! But one of Godfather's ho's is up on the apron and removing HER top. Jarrett, meanwhile, has the Women's title, as referee "Blind" Tim White is busy trying to get that ho off the apron - WAFFLE. 1, 2, 3. (3:42) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW Intercontinental Champion. Jarrett scales the ropes and says "Owen Hart!" and then walks off, he and Debra each carrying a title. Godfather is revived by his ho's, and when you think about it, he's STILL got them, so who's the REAL winner here?
Paul Bearer and Undertaker - oh my God - they're - they're WALKING!
Happy Hour is NEXT! Well, in over an hour...
The US Coast Guard Rescue of the Week is Shane's forced collision of Vince into Austin into a rollup by the Undertaker with the help of the tights and a fast count and what's being rescued here? Undertaker's title win? Eh.
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. VINCENT K. in a nontitle match - Back in a locker room, we see Steve Austin watching this match on a monitor. Vince has no music and no announced weight. He does a lot of that "dramatic" gulping that he's made famous in acting clinic around the nation. Running in and sliding under the bottom rope, it's on as Undertaker immediately goes to stomping and kicking, then punching, now more kicking. Nothing for Vince here. Head to the turnbuckle. You know, on a REALISM basis, you wouldn't EXPECT the nonwrestler to get any shots in. Vince tries to rake the face but it doesn't work. Blatant chokehold as Paul Bearer talks turkey with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Chioda finally notices what's going on and tries the five count, but Undertaker chases him out of the ring. Bearer doing it to Chioda OUTSIDE the ring, too, but now Vince manages a Golotta - now he's on him with rights, body work, right, left, right, left, repeat, but Undertaker has a double choke - and Vince is put in the corner. Now Undertaker RAINING down rights and lefts, now kicks. Chioda again attempts a count and Undertaker shoots him a scary look. Crowd chants "Vince Vince Vince" and Undertaker now SHOVES Chioda away. Everybody see what's coming? While Undertaker continues his assault, the referee again attemps to force a break, and again Undertaker shoves him away. Well, Chioda finally calls for the bell (DQ 2:12) and how stupid is the Undertaker, anyway? Ross plays this as some brilliant psychological warfare by McMahon, but I'm not sure I buy it. Anyway, Patterson and Brisco try to rescue their fellow Musketeer, but Undertaker gets in good shots on both men before chasing Chioda to the back through the crowd.
MICHAEL KING COLE catches up with Austin to get a reaction. Austin "never asked for an assist for anyone" - geez, he's kinda PISSY considering he just got a free title shot.
No ad break - instead we show the credits and pop up the TV-14-DLV box again as MANKIND walks to the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Triple H and Chyna doing some lead pipe damage to Mankind last Sunday. "So, the Ministry has tried to take out our fearless leader - well it's time for the Union to get a little payback! So what I'd like to have tonight, I'm going to ask real nicely, is I'd like to have Triple H in this ring and I'd like to have the match with no disqualifications - and I would like pinfalls to count anywhere in this building! And you see, I've got two good reasons - first of all Triple H, at Over the Edge, you did quite a job on me with that pipe, and I do not enjoy a pipe job! Second, and I don't mean to drag this up, but I've gotta clear my conscience. You see Triple H, the word in the dressing room is that, well, Chyna has kinda been ... checking me out. Now I don't know if it's my rugged good looks, my boyish charm, or that fateful, fateful night when I was in the shower bending over to get the soap, and I turned around wearing only my birthday suit (which I look pretty damn good in) and I could see in her eyes that she wanted to TOUCH me - in an impure way! Now Chyna understand this and get this through your head - I'm a married man, and you canNOT touch Mankind's manhood. But tonight, I'm going to give you the chance to LOOK AT THE MERCHANDISE, if you smelllllalala where my SOCK is hiding! Have a nice day!"
"During the Break" footage shows that Mankind was met at the top of the ramp by BIG BOSSMAN - they are still fighting even now that Bossman's scheduled opponent comes out to do his prematch spiel on tha mic...
BIG BOSSMAN v. ROAD DOGG - "I can't take you guys anywhere!" Dogg hits Bossman with the mic as Mankind rolls him in to him. Off the ropes, right, right, off the ropes, reversal, sidewalk slam. Bossman clears the cobwebs and hits some rights to the body. Bossman tries putting some more holes in his face. Dogg ducks a lariat off the ropes and goes into his punch sequence, followed by his wiggly wobbly woofly elbowdrop for 2. Off the ropes, reversal, spinebuster by the Bossman - notice Ross call the sidewalk slam AND the spinebuster correctly! Bossman with rights and referee "Blind" Teddy Long tries in vain to get him to stop. Bossman goes for the nightstick despite the fact that that's even MORE illegal - Dogg hits a kick to the gut, causing him to drop the nightstick - before he can pick it up, Bossman hits a right uppercut - Dogg with a Sunset flip attempt but you know what's coming next - the nightstick to the head draws the DQ (1:49) but Bossman isn't out for a win here. One more good shot before Long manages to confiscate the nightstick and fly out of the ring. Undaunted, Bossman secures a chain, wraps it around his first, and hits some tough punches. Choke with the chain. More chain punching. Bossman poses to the crowd, then deposits the chain on Dogg's body. Wow. Who'd Dogg piss off?
Backstage, Shane demolishes a buffet just to show how angry he is. Neat visual as a bottle of something bubbly is broken on a wall.
Here's a shot of the King of the Ring bracket - the qualifiers will take place EXCLUSIVELY on Sunday Night Heat, so you better watch! I'll reprint the thing below and we'll see if it comes out. This Sunday, the four qualifiers that didn't happen last night.
The King of the Ring is proudly presented by Super Soaker - Charge it! Pump it! Soak it!
X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. ACOLYTES for the tag team championship - For MY money, the Acolytes should have been Champions since pinning Road Dogg almost four weeks ago on Heat. X-Pac wants to start - I'll never understand why, 'cause Kane ALWAYS does all the ass-kicking. Faarooq promptly gets the upper hand on X-Pac until missing a charge in the corner - X-Pac goes through his series of martial arts kicks and Faarooq staggers to his corner to tag out. X-Pac tags out as well. Bradshaw chops away with speed but it has no effect, kick, pound, whip, chop to the throat and Bradshaw staggers. Headbutt. Head to the turnbuckle. Another uppercut to the throat. Off the ropes, head down, Bradshaw with a kick, punches and chops, off the ropes, reversed again, Bradshaw ducks and hits the clothesline to take him outside the ring - Kane lands on his feet. Kane on the apron - hot shot on Bradshaw - to the top rope - flying clothesline. Head to the turnbuckle, and Kane holds out his hand for X-Pac to tag. Bradshaw reverses off the ropes, catches X-Pac, and hits a fallaway slam. Hey Kane, see where learning how to tag gets ya? Bearhug by the Tejan as SKIPPY walks to the ring. X-Pac gets out of the bearhug, comes off the ropes, but Bradshaw catches the spinning heel kick attempts and drops him for 2. Off the ropes, this time X-Pac's kick DOES hit - X-Pac crawling and making the tag. Faarooq is in but Kane takes on both men with ease. But Faarooq catches Kane off the ropes in a powerslam. While on the mat, however, Kane grabs Faarooq's throat. Before he can get up for the chokeslam, Bradshaw is attacking from behind. Double whip, Kane hits a double clothesline! Shane has a chair as Kane takes Bradshaw into his corner and tags X-Pac for the broncobuster. While Kane hits the chokeslam on Faarooq, X-Pac runs for Bradshaw - and runs into Shane's chair! Kane leaves the ring and chases Shane up the ramp, meanwhile Bradshaw gets up and hits his Clothesline from Hell on X-Pac. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas puts on the count - 1, 2, 3. (4:45) Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW tag team Champions of the world. Kane comes back in the ring to his fallen comrade but it's too late. Faarooq and Bradshaw walk off with the titles, embrace Shane, and strike a pose. DAMN it looks good to FINALLY see Faarooq holding a title in this company.
Here's a shot of Stone Cold Steve Austin - now he wants to know what the cameraman's lookin' at. Ha!
Here's a black and white shot of a restroom with a "GDTV" logo in the lower left corner. The sounds are of Mark Henry relieving himself - and D'Lo Brown expressing unpleasantness at the sound and smell.
VAL VENIS (with Nicole Bass) v. KING KEN SHAMROCK - Let Us Take You Back to Last Sunday where Bass gave Venis the old Greco-Roman liplock - and Val LIKED it! Shamrock starts right out with the punching, then Val gets some punching, whip is reversed and Venis hits the turnbuckle HARD. Right hand from Shamrock. Into an armbar takedown - Venis struggles to the ropes and makes it. Shamrock on him with kicks. Off the ropes, reversal, spinebuster from Venis. 2 count. Hey, anybody remember that Sable woman? Whatever happened to her - I believe she had something to do with Bass a while back - Shamrock with the DDT, which Venis is contractually obligated to oversell once a match. Shamrock on him with punches - whip is reversed and Venis hangs on and hits the knee, again, here's the side Russian legsweep, Venis stands over him and there's the bumpin' and grindin' but he's left his ankle open - Shamrock doesn't get to it before Venis hits the ropes. We see JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA walk out with their belts in tow as Venis misses a second rope elbow. Jarrett distracts Shamrock and Venis hits a kick and an inside cradle for the pin. (2:26) Shamrock snaps, hits the belly-to-belly suplex on Venis, then chases after Jarrett & Debra. Bass comes in the ring and tries to revive Venis - but Venis pushes her away. "Nicole, I wanna know - where the hell were you - HAAAA? You told me that you could handle ANYTHING - NOW, where the hell were you?" Bass apologises profusely and promises it won't happen again. Venis says it's okay baby, "you can make it up to me ... right now." Ahhh. Fortunately, they walk backstage before we find out what that exactly entails.
Backstage (I guess - it's really dark), Undertaker addresses some smoke: "I will not fail you, my Lord - I will not fail you."
Happy Hour is almost NEXT!
MANKIND v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) in a Hardcore Rules match - Triple H runs at him and it's on - early advantage to Helmsley, but Mankind turns it around and hits the punches of his own. Whip into the opposite corner, off the ropes with the bulldog. Near fall. Off the ropes - facecrusher on the knee by Triple H - Mankind goes out and now Triple H follows. Rights by Mankind. Over the barricade we go - back over the hard way. Mankind with the backslide (!) for 1. Mankind knocks him over, then takes his head to the barricade. Vertical suplex? no, the attempt is reversed. Looking under the ring, Triple H eschews the cookie sheet while Chyna takes Mankind to the STEEL steps. Meanwhile, H has found a sledgehammer. Aiming for the head?!? Fortunately, he missed. Nice dent in the STEEL steps, though. To the commentary table we go - now Mankind rolling him back in the ring - he brings a chair in with him - piledrive attempt is countered by a Triple H backdrop onto the chair. Head to the buckle. Helmsley kicking away, now hitting rights in abundance. Whip is reversed, HELMSLEY FLIP! to the floor. Mankind outside and here's a whip into the barricade. Mankind has the chair but Helmsley puts up a foot and Mankind's head hits the chair. Now Mankind's head hits the STEEL steps. Pedigree attempt - no, Mankind takes him down and his head hits the chair. Catapult into the ringpost! Right hand from Mankind and "Bangbang!" Meanwhile, Chyna has the chair and that means Mankind gets the chair - in the head. Mankind shakes it off but before he can do any damage, Triple H is up from behind - the elbow to the back runs Mankind into Chyna, into the STEEL steps! Tripls H ignores Chyna and rolls Mankind back into the ring. Off the ropes, Mandible Claw! But Chyna has the sledgehammer between the legs, and now up really hard in a sensitive area. Chyna seems kinda PISSED. "Come on!" Mankind turns to face Chyna - who shoves aside referee "Blind" Mike Chioda and hits a right hand on Mankind. Again the referee (he's BUSY tonight!) tries to stand between them, again Chyna manhandles him to the corner. While they discuss policy, Mankind brings out Mr. Socko - and there it is on Chyna! Triple H has FINALLY come to - and he takes the handle of the sledgehammer Kerrigan-style to Foley's knee. Pinfall is academic (6:32) and Chyna makes the appropriate "bleah, nyah" sounds because we all KNOW where that sock's been. EVERY referee comes out - even the SuperAstros one! to surround Mankind - Helmsley, halfway up the ramp, decides to come back in the ring - all the refs fly - Sgt. Slaughter takes a shot! Now Helmsley wrenches the knee and repeatedly drops the elbow - there's a vice - eeewwww... THE ROCK is out to chase them off but it's too late.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where you see what you just seen - "During the Break" footage shows Shamrock and Test helping Mankind limp off - turning to "Live" footage - Mankind is loaded into an ambulance and Test goes off with him.
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN for the WWF Championship - amazingly enough, Undertaker WEARS the title belt AROUND HIS WAIST. Is it the "smokin' skull" belt because Austin's gonna win it back tonight? And if so, what's that "symbol" doing on the stage? Lawler again tries to press Ross for a prediction of the Great Power while saying that he thinks he knows what it is, going even further towards insinuating it's Shane. Austin rushes the ring before the introduction is over, slides out of the ring and wraps Undertaker's leg around the ringpost as Undertaker tries to follow him out. Make a wish! Groin hits the post - Austin is in the ring and the opening bell sounds. Austin on him with rights - head to the buckle. More rights, Undertaker with a throat chop. Right. Off the ropes, reversal, clothesline ducked, Thesz press by Austin - lotsa rights here. Off the ropes, elbowdrop. 1, 2, Undertaker pushes him off. Austin with the knee in the gut, clothesline takes him outside - Undertaker lands on his feet - Austin after him but Undertaker pulls him out. Brawl on the outside - Undertaker's head meets the commentators' table, then the STEEL steps. Right hand from Austin - he's got a chair but Undertaker hits a gut shot and he drops it. Austin quickly back in control - piledriver attempt is countered with a back bodydrop right on the concrete - Austin holds his left knee. Undertaker with a right, and another. Right. Austin's trick knee acts up to regain him control. Stomping on the Undertaker - rolled back in, Austin tries to follow but stops to adjust his knee brace first. Undertaker with an uppercut as Austin comes back in. Blatant choke - now the knee across the neck. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner starts a count, finally. Undertaker relents. Off the ropes, but his head is down - Austin with a kick and a lariat for 2. Austin asks him to get up, then hits a lariat for 2. Lawler asks where Shane is. Off the ropes, reversal, big boot from the Undertaker - Austin staggered, lariat takes him down. 1, 2, kickout. Austin rolls under the bottom rope. Undertaker goes out, then drives an elbow into his heart. Austin with an eyepoke but Undertaker hits the right hand as Austin tries to come off the apron with an axehandle. Undertaker whips Austin into the STEEL steps, and he hits his hip. Now out on the ramp - Austin takes Undertaker ot the barricade. Here's a knee deep in the gut - suplex attempt - no - Undertaker reverses into a suplex of his own, Austin's knee landing on the STEEL ramp. Super Soaker provides the Double Feature. Austin having trouble standing - Undertaker hits a kidney punch. Another kidney shot. Uppercut to the throat. Everybody back in the ring - Austin tries a bodyslam but collapses under his weight - 1, 2, no. Austin somehow finding the strength to punch back - Bossman straddle - NO! Only ropes there as Undertaker manages to sidestep it. Crowd chanting "Austin" pretty loudly - but Undertaker brings his thumb 'cross his throat and it must be over. 'Taker picks him up, off the ropes - Austin ducks the clothesline - gutshot by Austin, STONE COLD STUNNER! Hebner in position - 1, 2, Paul Bearer pulls Hebner out of the ring. Austin out and Bearer goes down with one right hand. Back in the ring, Austin hits a right on Undertaker, and another, but BIG BOSSMAN is out - quick Stunner on the Bossman, but now the rest of the CORPORATE MINISTRY is out and Austin can't take them all on by himself. The bell sounds (DQ? 7:15) and Austin is tied in the ropes and held there by the Ministry. Noticably absent is Shane...as the Undertaker, and then most of the ministry falls to their knees as the black light shines over the ring and (uh oh) the Gregorian Chants start. A HOODED FIGURE walks slowly to the ring - Lawler actually SAYS "Shane" which must mean it ISN'T Shane. Lawler puts the clues together for us but it doesn't appear that we'll find out tonight. Undertaker present Austin to whoever it is - they approach Austin and reveal their face just enough for Austin to see it - Austin is angered and mouths "sonuvabitch!" Ross: "The Greater Power just revealed himself to Austin! Austin saw it! Austin's in shock! The rattlesnake looks like he's just seen a ghost! Who the hell is it? Who in the hell is the Greater Power?"
You know, as much as we wish it, as much as we LONG for the guy under there to be the one who recently left us, as much as I want it as much as you, we all KNOW that it can't be, and it's sad that that crazy rumour even started. Maybe you read it on r.s.p-w, maybe you saw it on some bogus website out there, but if I could find the person who started that rumour - I'd have special words for him. Fortunately, I have this forum, so I'll say it here, publicly, in the hopes that it eventually reaches the person who started that awful, awful rumour about who was under the hood. So to that guy - the guy who said "it's the Ultimate Warrior under there," I have only one thing to say: Shame on you.
Here's that King of the Ring bracket as I provide the total of 9 matches and about 35 1/2 minutes and note that the bell-to-bell time per hour is higher than Nitro this week - oops, shouldn't make those comparisons, they subject me to calls of BIAS:
Viscera Mr. Ass
Next Monday: What do Anna Kournikova, Mick Foley, CRZ and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince have in common?