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Raw is Jericho
August 9, 1999
LIVE from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL

Hour 1Hour 2Hour 3Composite
6.236.546.40

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Written by: Christopher Robin Zimmerman

Shout out to MiCasa for bravely acknowledging existence of...well, no need to do it twice in one week (ha!) - I'm assuming that's a reward for behaving myself during the Meltzer chat (double ha!)

By the way: OTHER people talk about "CRZ" a HELL of a lot more than *I* do. I am specifically referring to two other WrestleLine telvision recappers who should know better but seem to sneak in a reference to me EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN' WEEK. GIVE IT A GOD DAMN REST. GET TO THE WRESTLING.

In that spirit, I quickly move on to...

TONIGHT: Steve Austin is in the house! The Countdown to the Millennium stands at 1:31:38 and counting! And Jesse Ventura (fresh from talking to a president) will talk to a king! All this - and much more - TONIGHT ON RAW IS WAR!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF! TV-14-DLV!

Countdown to the Millennium - 1:25:13 - 1:25:12 ... 1:24:58...

Opening Credits - Closed Captioning Symbol - RAW IS WAR'S IGNORED IN YOUR RIDE!

FIREWORKS! OH ARE WE LIVE from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL 9.8.99 for WWF RAW is WAR! Feel it! Smell it! Smell it?

DA ROCK is out to make noise. Backstage, we see a couple of big men poised - one is ready to attack now, but the other suggests hearing what he's got to say first. I have a macro now that automatically types out "Finally, the Rock has come back to Chicago! Big Show, last night on Sunday Night Heat you did something you should never should have done, and that was put your big sweaty palms on the People's Champion. Big Show, you think you impress the Rock? Let the Rock make something perfectly clear to you - you have never - and the Rock means ever - impressed the Rock! From the time your crappy music hits - 'Well it's the Big Slow...'" Rock stealing material from CRZ *and* Herb Kunze? "And every single Rock fan stops, pauses and takes a look, and they all say this: 'Aw, I'm goin' to take a leak - this guy SUCKS!'" Moderate "Rocky" chant. "And you walk down the Rock's ramp - and you step over the top rope (like that's supposed to impress somebody) and then, Big Show, you do something that is without the shadow of a doubt THE most impressive thing the Rock's ever seen...and that's this - oooougghhaaggugahh!" and he does the ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM hand motion. Hey, Rock, you're a funny guy, but don't take it too far now. Cue the music, cue WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & UNDERTAKER - Rock says he doesn't fear them, and calmly and without fear receives a big ol' ass-whuppin' at the hands of both men. Now - X-PAC is out? Well, he's quickly dispatched. And now here's ROAD DOGG come out to get HIM some manly beatdown action. Guess who's next? Right, THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE, actually running to the ring - shots to the Undertaker, Big Show taken over the top rope to the floor - Undertaker clotheslined over the top to the floor. Undertaker takes his leave - and the DX theme plays. Rock, wanting nothing to do with the other three men, is content to lie in the ring and listen to Ross say "scintillating."

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER. Here's a photo from the New York Times of Gov. Jesse Ventura having a friendly chat with President Clinton - last night, Clinton...tonight...Lawler. The soaring highs to the plummeting lows! Also on the show too big for television - tonight Christian takes on Gangrel - Test and Ken Shamrock team against Joey Abs and Steve Blackman - Big Bossman puts the Hardcore title on the line against the Road Dogg - and in 1:16:18 ... 1:16:09 we'll find out just what is up with that whole Millennium clock thing! Oh, and Steve Austin will come out and say ass a few times if we're lucky.

A limo arrives - we are told that Jesse Ventura is undoubtedly inside. The driver opens the door - but it's MR. WHYSPYR getting out! What's Michaels doing here? We'll find out ... after this!

stonecold.com - it kicks ass - well, as much as a website CAN kick ass. Har de har har.

The United States Coast Guard (Motto: Guard Our Coast) presents the Rescue of the Week! From last week on RAW, Christian rescues Edge from a bloodbath at the hands of Gangrel - then later - they hug. Awww.

MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! He's with X-PAC and KANE - X-Pac is supposedly over his concussion, but he HAS forgotten that you can't say "God damn right" on national television. Something else gets censored and I can't be bothered. I think it was a "shit" but who knows.

CHRISTIAN v. GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far) - Gangrel doesn't seem as jolly as he normally does tonight. Attack before the bell as we hear the sounds of a fire extinguisher (up on the ramp?) - Christian gets the upper hand with a hiptoss and a dropkick, Gangrel rolls outside, Christian hits a baseball slide dropkick, then tries to followup but Gangrel sidesteps the apron attack and Christian lands on the barricade. Back in the ring, Gangrel with a slam - drops the elbow. Gangrel is created by White Wolf. Suplex attempt is countered with a gutshot, but Gangrel sits him up on the top turnbuckle - Christian counters with a tornado DDT. Gagnrel back with a knee, off the ropes, Christian ducks and hits an inverted DDT. Setting him up for the Tomokaze, but the HARDY BOYZ are out - why? - well, they just IS. Christian with a dropkick to Jeff - and a top rope plancha to the floor on Matt. Back in the ring, Christian flies - right into a red mist from Gangrel. One jumpin' DDT later, Gangrel scores the pin (2:19). The Hardy doubleteam is on - EDGE is in and he gets to hit one of his "scintillating" spears - but Gangrel hits from behind with an Impaler for HIM. Tripleteam on Edge is on - now MICHAEL HAYES is out. He tries to take his team outta here, but the Hardyz attack HIM from behind - DIAMOND CUTTER! SENTONBOMB! Now Gangrel joining in on yet another tripleteam - this time on Hayes. Gangrel's music plays and the Hardyz and Gangrel seem to walk off together. Hayes is left laying in the ring.

Michael King Cole is with the ACOLYTES - they have no problems putting the titles up on the line against X-Pac & Kane.

Backstage we see Jim Dotson provide security for Gov. Jesse Ventura, who's getting back into the WWF spirit by - oh boy - WALKING!

The Rock (allegedly) gets chefy with it

Exterior shot of the Allstate Arena - and a quick look at the Summerslam Semi

Jerry Lawler introduces JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA. He's got the strut goin'. Has he lost the weight he wanted to lose? Methinks so! "Well first of all, King Jerry Lawler, I've been out of wrestling for a while and most people know I've been doing a lot of other stuff, but it's time to review for just a moment who Jesse the Body Ventura is. First of all, I am a former wrestling champion, so I know my way in and out of the ring. Second of all, I was the first referee ever at SummerSlam, because it was a special deal required again. And third and most importantly, I am the only professional wrestler who can legitimately say he was a Navy SEAL. Now you know you people are gonna see a lot of frogs out there, you're gonna see a lot of Navy SEAL wannabes, people who wanna pretend they were, but really were not. People who when it was time to serve their country, probably ran off like gutless cowards and probably played in a hippie rock band. People who also like to pretend they're Navy SEALs, on bad acted made-for-TV movies, with Bozo the Clown haircuts. Well, I AM the real deal when it comes to being a pro wrestler and former Navy SEAL. I know [some guy], I was trained by [some other guy], I also [something else] ...and King, I also climbed the rope ladder a week ago on board the USS Pearl Harbor - I was given eight bells and a salute from both the Captain and the Executive Officer. Now, what I'm getting down to here is SummerSlam takes place August 22nd at the Target Center in Minneapolis. Well, we all know who is the power in Minnesota. And we all know, why did the World Wrestling Federation come to Jesse 'the Body' Ventura for a match of this magnitude - a world heavyweight championship match? Because they know I am the only person who can deliver law and order to where a Champion will be decided in the center of the ring and that Champion will truly be the best wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation, and let me say 'WRESTLER' King Jerry Lawler - 'WRESTLER!' Now I know who the two men are... Stone Cold Steve Austin ... and Triple H ... and you know what, before I get to that, I want to say one thing else, if you don't believe the power that I have - notice, you don't see that scumbag Vince McMahon anywhere around!" We are interrupted by TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA coming to the ring - Chyna staring a hole through Ventura. "I just got a simple message, Triple H, and for you to listen too, Chyna. August 22nd in the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnestoa at SummerSlam, you'll get your shot at the title but I will tell you right now, you better work on your wrestling moves, because the best WRESTLER is gonna win that night between you and Stone Cold Steve Austin, because it's my way or the highway in the ring. Those are the rules, live with it." "You know, you must be stuck in the 70's or something. I hear you out here talking about former this, former that, I was, I used to be, and I'm beginning to think that the air up there has gotta be doing something to your brain. It's gotta be throwing you off making you see and do funny things--" "Asshole" chant from the crowd. "I think they're talkin' to you!" "Let me make this clear - this is not Minne-sotah. This is MY WORLD. This, right here, where your two little feet are standing dead center in the middle of what is MY RING." "King, you better explain to him that this is MY COUNTRY, which is bigger than your ring. You better tell him to go look at the New York Times today, to go look at the LA Times today, and see whose picture stood with the President of the United States today" "You might have been standing face to face with a president, but right now you're standing face to face, nose to nose, eye to eye with me, and I don't care who you are, and I don't care who you've got with you, if right here in the middle of this ring I feel like kickin' your ass, I will!" Before Ventura answers, some strangely familiar music fires up and MR. WHYSPYR is out to make his way to join the fun. Triple H continuing to stare at Ventura. "Now, you know as well as I do, Triple H, that Jesse the Body Ventura has standards and practices that he must abide by. But I don't. Ya see, come SummerSlam, this man right here will be the most powerful referee in World Ref-- Wrestling Federation history? And, if I'm not mistaken I thought I heard you say that this is YOUR WORLD. Well every fan of the World Wrestling Federation knows just who it was that brought you *into* this world! Now, if you don't get that glare outta your stare, boy, I'm gonna knock it off." Helmsley gives a shove to Michaels - before Michaels comes back, Ventura stands between them. Various clothes come off - but Ventura whispers (whysssspyrzzz) in Michaels' ear. "Now normally, I'd beat your ass right here right now, but Jesse 'the Body' had conveniently informed me, when you got as much stroke and power as we do--" "What this is, this is politics..." "and when you've got the stroke of the Body and HBK you need not get physical. You want to get physical? You got it, tonight, you, Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin will compete in a Triple Threat match, and Triple H, it may very well be indeed YOUR TIME, but tonight it's gonna be MY WAY. Hit my music!" Well there's your main event - Undertaker, Steve Austin, and Triple H.

Speaking of Austin, there he is backstage - good golly! He's WALKING!

The Dawn of a New Age begins 26 August - the WWF returns to prime time network television with SMACKDOWN! Hey, UPN is TOO a network!

WWF Attitude from Acclaim ad

Earlier today, Mark Henry and D'Lo Brown go jogging. Henry nips off to some trees to do number one, and fortunately for us, the camera is there to capture Jeff Jarrett leaping out of a car and running Brown into a tree. Then he drops a metal trashcan on him. Then they drive off.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. VAL VENIS - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night where Jarrett interrupted Venis' almost-pin on IC champ Brown, then yelled at Debra for no apparent reason. Venis scarcely gets out "Hello Ladies" before Jarrett attacks from behind. Ross says something's happening in the back as we see Jarrett hit the armbar takedown. Off the ropes, back elbow ducked - Venis catches Jarrett and drops him. Off the ropes, clothesline from Venis for 2. Off the ropes/hold on/knee thing from Venis, again, side Russian legsweep. Debra up on the apron, Venis ducks the attack from Jarrett from behind, Jarrett pulls up to not hit Debra, Venis from behind with some move the video game players can share with me for the pin (1:24). Venis walks off, leaving Jarrett to yell at Debra again until Venis comes back to give Jarrett another shot. The white knight! Coming to the rescue of the fair maiden! My heart SWELLS! Anyway, Jarrett walks off, leaving Debra ...and Venis?? Venis parts the ropes for Debra...

We cut backstage to see Austin lying down in the stairwell - but he ain't movin'.

WWF Attitude ad #2 - at least we're getting more chances to try to figure out the words to the RAW is WAR theme song...

Michael King Cole is on the scene - paramedics wheel Austin into an ambulance - he's apparently unconscious - but he didn't fall down those stairs, oh no, there was a SUSPICIOUS LOOKING CINDER BLOCK nearby. Triple H walks over - "hey, what happened?" Cole says it was a heinous, a vicious attack.

MR. WHYSPYR is back out to the ring - he asks who can we hold responsible for this? Was it Triple H? Was it Triple H? Or maybe it was Triple H? Shawn calls for "Hunter ... get your bony little ass out here!" Michaels says there's no way he's gonna weasel his way out of the Triple Threat match tonight. Now TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA are out again - he proclaims ignorance of what went down. Michaels says he taught Helmsley every dirty trick in the book, but he's the student and Michaels is the teacher. Michaels announces that the match will now be a Falls Count Anywhere match, no DQ, AND the #1 Contender's spot is on the line. Helmsley reminds us that this is his time, and he earned the spot. Michaels reminds us that he's the Commissioner and he can do what he damn well pleases. For an encore, Michaels announces that he'll take the special guest referee slot. And finally, with Austin out, we need another opponent for the triple threat match. Michaels wonders aloud who would be the perfect opponent - I hope it isn't Chyna - well, tonight in the Triple Threat match, it'll be Triple H, the Undertaker, and ... and ... and ... Chyna. Geez. Triple H plays the "she's only a girl" card, and the "no place for a woman" card, and Chyna's all "I'll go, Commish!" and the crowd's all "you go, girl!" and Chyna's all "You try me" and I'm like "ooh, scary" and then that guy over there says "it's all a swerve and you can smell the screwjob!" and I'm like "naah, they wouldn't pull THAT tonight - would they?"

Hey! The Universal Soldier, he be returnin' and stuff!

Triple H and Chyna argue backstage "It's just a figure of speech!" "I'm taking it tonight!" Gotcha.

Did Helmsley waffle Austin or not? Hmm, it was probably just the mysterious guy that raised the briefcase.

RAW is WAR comes to you through the kind sponsorship of Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and Napa Auto Parts!

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & X-PAC v. ACOLYTES for the tag team championship - Kane's music starts up - but it's quickly into the DX theme - X-Pac's pyro mingles with Kane's flashpots - oh boy. RAW credits and TV-14-DLV box herald the passage twixt shows. Acolytes run the ring and start off quick as you might expect. Faarooq and X-Pac brawl while Kane and Bradshaw stay in the ring and on camera. Throat chops. Knockdown - 2 count, Faarooq saves. Bradshaw muscles Kane into his corner and tags. Doubleteam. X-Pac wants in but referee "Blind" Mike Chioda won't allow it. Bit boot from Kane and there's the tag. X-Pac is a house on f--oops, Faarooq just bounced his head off the mat. Run into the Bradshaw boot, tag, stompin' away. Right to the body. Whip into the opposite corner. Another body shot from Bradshaw. X-Pac chops back. Off the ropes - Bradshaw catches the spinning heel kick and drops him for 2 - Kane makes the save. Tag to Faarooq, still on him. Into the corner - Backbreaker, to the mat for 2. Tag. Off the ropes, bearhug from Bradshaw. Crowd comes alive - X-Pac fights out but runs into the big boot. Bradshaw off the ropes, but X-Pac ducks the lariat. Enziguiri! X-Pac crawling to Kane, who reaches for the tag. HOT TAG! Kane on top - flying clothesline. Clothesline for Faarooq. Choke on Faarooq - but Bradshaw breaks it up - off the ropes, Kane with a double clothesline. Faarooq into the corner, clothesline for him. Kane off the ropes, but Bradshaw ducks and clotheslines him outside, then hits X-Pac (who was going for the broncobuster from behind). But Kane flips out of the powerbomb attempt while Kane pulls Bradshaw out of the ring - X-Factor! 1, 2, 3. (4:36) Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team Champions. ROAD DOGG is out to join the celebration - but X-Pac is cutting the music. X-Pac says if we're not down with he and Kane once again being the tag team champions, well Kane's got two words for us - and WITHOUT the voicebox! Kane says "suuuuuckiiit" in his endearing, voiceboxless monotone. Crowd, of course, goes nuts, for reasons which only half escape me. But OH NO! the celebration is short-lived as UNDERTAKER & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW have come out - making quick work of that gleesome threesome. Knees dropped in painful places. Let's take a break!

This is Attitude! No, this is the third ad for "WWF Attitude"

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago to X-Pac reversing into the X-Factor, Kane speaking for the first time without his (demonic) device, thanks to the tender love of a little friend - "Suck it!" - and Undertaker and Big Show "literally - annihilating Kane, X-Pac and Road Dogg!"

Lawler and Ross introduce a clip "courtesy...

GTV" - Mr. Ass gets various foreign substances rubbed onto his - oh never mind

JOEY ABS (with Skippy) & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. TEST & KEN SHAMROCK - Shane joins the commentators, and somebody's been doing a LOT of work on that pompadour. Test and Shamrock arrive separately, and the word "Union" is never uttered. Let Us Take you Back to Blackman suffering some of Shamrock's wrath, and also to Pete "Gas" and Rodney having problems at the hands of Test. Of COURSE they rush the ring - Shamrock and Abs on the outside, Blackman and Test on the inside. Shane quickly leaves the booth to get some licks in on Test. Meanwhile, Blackman is over to Shamrock and running him into the STEEL steps. In the ring, Test takes Abs off the ropes, Abs ducks, Test ducks, gut shot, swinging neckbreaker from Test. Shane distracts Test and Abs gets an axehandle. Vertical suplex for 2. Shamrock and Blackman apparently still brawling off camera and outside the ring. Into the corner, side Russian legsweep. Blackman's got his kendo stick, but Shamrock takes him into the commentary table. Blackman loses the stick, and Shamrock gets in a shot. Test hits a gutwrench powerbomb while Shane stands in front of Shamrock with a chair - and takes a kendo stick shot for his troubles. Blackman takes off and Shamrock follows. Test hits his Meltdown for the pin (2:30) and then brings the chair into the ring...Pillmanizing his leg as Shane looks on. There's another shot while Shane screams "You're gonna pay!" but there's nobody left between Test and Shane.

Backstage, Mr. Ass complains about his ass itching - then shows it to us. Hey, we didn't need THAT. Apparently, he's contracted some poison ivy. Har, har! I guess that herbal rub wasn't what we thought it was...and I guess that also explains why the woman doing the application was wearing gloves...but what's it got to do with GTV?

Hey! The Rock! Again! WALKING!

Getting a second look at this "Universal Soldier: The Return" ad, it appears that they've managed to keep Goldberg off RAW this week! Somebody's on the ball! AMAZING!

The JVCKaboom!Box brings you the Kaboom! of the week - from last night's Heat, the Big Show has some Big Kaboom! Fun with the Rock

Michael King Cole is backstage with Test - all he ever wanted was for he and Stephanie to be left alone - but Shane and his posse wouldn't keep their noses out of his business, so he broke some ribs, and an arm, and a leg, and now it's just him and Shane. Say, anybody seen Stephanie lately?

TERRY TAYLOR works tonight! He's backstage with the Lethal Weapon. Blackman says he'll step into the Lion's Den with Shamrock, but only if there are weapons placed all around. "This thing's gonna end one way *OR* *ANOTHER!!!!!!!!*" Blackman is the KING on this mic. I love how he looks STRAIGHT at Taylor as if he really WERE Shamrock. Somebody teach Blackman how to look into the camera! Hey! Maybe *I* can do that! C'mon Blackman! You're my MAN!! Just look into the camera!

DA ROCK comes out and talks some smack to try to set up a match with the Big Show later tonight - but the Millennium countdown is on the TitanTron (about two minutes late ... but who's counting?) - :16, :15, :14, ... 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... lights flash and music plays and ... and ... and ... darkness. Then - An explosion! Oh yes - one word on the TitanTron - and it is JERICHO. Arms out, back to us. "Welcome to RAW ... is ... JERICHO!" Oh yeah - it's CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO at the top of the ramp, scowl, sneer, goofy hairdo and all. They've given him some Connecticut Yankee muzak. "And I am the new Millennium for the World Wrestling Federation! Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho - your - your new hero, your party host and most importantly the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen! And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah! Now when you think of the new Millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of the dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a New Era in the WWF! Thank you - thank you!" Crowd chanting "Rocky." "A new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs! What was once a captivating, trendsetting program, has nowdeteriorated into a cliched - let's be honest - BORING SNOOZEFEST that is in dire need of a knight in shining armour! And that's why I'm here! Chris Jericho has come to SAVE the WWF! Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings - downward spiral. Pay-per-view buyrates - plummeting. Mainstream acceptance - nonexistent. And reactions of the live crowd - complete and utter silence! And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here! And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you! And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre 'sports entertainers' where you're forced to cheer for and care for - no wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room...and especially this idiot in the centre of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh uh...JERICHO IS EXCELLENCE. And now, for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you! You have a man who is good enough for you! You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream 'Go Jericho Go! Go Jericho Go! Go Jericho Go!' Thank you. The new Millennium has arrived in the WWF - and now that the Y2J problem is here - this company, from the front office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room (including this one) to everybody watching tonight, will never - e-e-e-ever - be the same - agayn!" Rock slowly raises his mic to his lips. "After three boring minutes, the Rock says know your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTH! How dare you, little jabrone, come on the Rock's show and not even have the class to introduce yourself? What is your name?" "I told you--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan, well the Rock has a little plan of his own, and it's call the KY Jelly plan, which-- which means the Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass! If ya smeeeeeeeellll....." Jericho makes funny faces...then walks off. Man, I don't know about you, but this pretty much rocked the casbah for me. Well, I could have done without the Rock, but... ha!

Backstage, Bob Holly tells anybody who'll listen that the Big Shot is looking for the Big Show..

Jesse "the Body" Ventura returns to the ring for an Out of Body Experience - SummerSlam! 22 August! Shock the World! JERICHO! JERICHO! JERICHO!

TCI local SummerSlam ad is REALLY cheesy.

There's Holly again, with the same spiel. I happen to notice a Hansen's Energy Drink container conveniently placed...

Here's a shot of Chyna, lacing 'em up - and projecting quiet confidence

BIG BOSSMAN v. ROAD DOGG in a Hardcore, nontitle match - Dogg brings a garbage can full o' plundah and the cookie sheet is the first weapon of choice. Dogg is outside and he's found a table. Another cookie sheet shot. Table set up - chair procured. Bossman manages a shot on Dogg, and grabs the chair. WHACK! Powerbomb through the table - but AL SNOW is out with a pet carrier - WHACK! Dogg covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:14) Why bother? Oh, because they advertised the match earlier... Ross actually tries to make us think Pepper is in there. Oops, maybe if the DOOR hadn't FLOWN off of it, you might be able to sell that.

The Big Show gives us a new approach on an old shot by WALKING! down a flight of stairs, then ducking under the doorwy as he walks through. Well he's a Big Show...he's a big bad show tonight...he's a big show...oh, sorry.

And here's the Rock - he too is WALKING!

One more stonecold.com promo

Chef Boyardee proudly brings you SummerSlam - feed tha need!

DA ROCK v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - I give this match 47 seconds. Rock ducks the first attack and gets the first shot in. Head to the buckles. Ross mistakenly says "Big Nasty" to confuse us. Rock with a side Russian legsweep for 2. Rock with a right, right, right, off the ropes, no reversal, duck, flying jalapeno (!) from Big Show for 2. In the corner, big slap, and another. Headbutt. Clubbin' blow. Elbow to the back of the neck. Rock fires back with rights, Show knocks him down with one. Rock thrown in the corner, and Big Show stands on the neck. Big boots. Rock fails to sell any of this and takes Show - no, reversal into the ropes, big boot. Off the ropes, bearhug. Rock punches out - off the ropes - caught into a BIIIIIG sidewalk slam. 1, 2, no. HARDCORE HOLLY is out to ruin this match (well, I don't know if "ruin" is the right word...) - Big Show wants Holly to get his ass out of there, but Holly is on the apron - and he gets a headbutt for his troubles. Rock with a Golota - off the ropes, DDT - People's elbow?!? Nope, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out (DQ 3:35) and now KING ASS is out and attacking Rock. Hey, remember when Giant was protecting Chris Jericho about a year ago...naah, that's just a coincidence.

Chyna! Is! WALKING!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Jericho shoved Rock, Rock failed to get back as Ass had hit the ring and hit Rock.

JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA makes his way to the ring one more time - he's going to be guest commentator! Triple H's music plays but it's Chyna out first - Shawn is next - oh boy, we get to hear Triple H's music again! And that's quite the staredown they're having. Undertaker's tongue is next - quickly followed by himself - and it's on...

THAT SLUT CHYNA v. TRIPLE H v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a #1 Contender's match - Ross tries the cement block attack story again for Austin and Ventura thinks maybe he just had one beer too many and fell down the stairs himself. I bet THAT made Austin happy to hear! Undertaker shoves Chyna away by the face and Triple H is all over Undertaker - we're already 90 seconds into overtime. Undertaker and Triple H brawl in the corner while Chyna watches - then when she's ready to try for Undertaker, he grabs her in a double choke - Chyna to the eyes to break it and he drops her - she's on the top turnbuckle, but Undertaker hits a right cross that takes her over the top and to the floor. Triple H back on Undertaker, but Undertaker takes him out of the ring with a clothesline. Chef Boyardee brings us the double feature. Out on the ramp, Undertaker brings Helmsley to the STEEL steps. Uppercut from Undertaker onto Helmsley. Back elbow. H fires back with rights. Undertaker takes him back down with a right. Scoop...and he tries to ram his shoulder into the post but H shakes free and runs Undertaker into the post instead. Gutshot, facecrusher. Cover - 1, 2, no. Falls count anywhere, you see. Helmsley raining down rights upon him. Undertaker's head to the STEEL steps. Right. Right. Undertaker thrown back in the ring - Helmsley to the top - off the top, but caught in a choke - but before he can chokeslam H, Chyna is FINALLY back in with the chop block. And now the doubleteam is on. Stomping away. There's a handshake - and Chyna turns on Helmsley with a clothesline - and there's a Golota! Chyna turns around and Undertaker is there - chokeslam!! Well, more of a gentle drop from the chokeslam position - oh well. Helmsley with the knee on the Undertaker - then he covers CHYNA - 1, 2, Undertaker pulls him off. Rights traded bewteen Undertaker and Triple H - getting slower each time they exchange. Elbow from Undertaker. Cover for 2. Undertaker with a right. Back elbow, again, kick, right hand, Triple H out on his feet. Undertaker making a move on Michaels 'cause he's EVIL - backstage, we see that Austin's back and he's got a STEEL chair! We're all just waiting for the music as we see Triple H clotheslined over the top rope to join Chyna outside the ring and now Michaels and Undertaker are having a chat in the ring. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN *is* out with a chair - WHACK! on Helmsley. Then he pulls Chyna on top of Triple H - holy shit - Michaels makes the count on the floor - 1...2...3...! (6:51)

Well, THAT was unexpected. It's eight past - we never heard the breaking of glass - and we're OUTTA HERE!


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