The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Dead Man's Chest
"Post-Traumatic-Sea Monster-Syndrome"
 
Elizabeth:
It's like raaaain on your wedding day...
 
 
Soldiers:
We destroy your lives in the name of cheap products from India!
 
 
Fans:
Some things never change.
 
 
Beckett:
Say anything about Napoleonic Complexes and I'll have you all hanged. Oh wait, I'm doing that anyway.
 
 
Swann:
Am I late for the wedduh oh.
 
 
Will:
It's captain, stupid!
 
 
Gibbs:
Ahh, so Will and Liz are in terrible trouble. Rum solves everything.
 
 
Crow:
Mmm, eyeballs.
 
 
Prisoner:
I don't remember this being part of the ride.
 
 
Crow:
Knock knock.
 
 
Crow:
...Hey, when I say "Knock knock," you're supposed to sa-*BLAM*
 
 
Jack:
Ha! Didn't think I could outdo my entrance from the last movie, did you?
 
 
Gibbs:
This isn't what I had in mind when you said "get a leg up."
 
 
Cotton:
We want treasure! You know, sparkly coins?
 
 
Monkey:
Finders keepers losers weepers!
 
 
Marty:
Why is there a caption under this drawing that says "This is not a key?"
 
 
Jack:
Logic? Who needs it! Only those who follow logic, which we are apt to do, excepting in the case where we follow my broken compass, which is always, in which case we never do, hence the needlessness of logic, savvy?
 
 
Crew:
..
 

~ PotC ~

 
Will:
Your map screwed up the New World.
 
 
Beckett:
Jack and I both left our mark. I branded him "P" for Pirate, and he branded me "B" for Bastard.
 
 
Will:
Someday all this honesty is gonna catch up with me.
 
 
Beckett:
Bring me Jack's compass and you'll live, maybe.
 
 
Will:
And so begins my endless journey of sidequests within sidequests.
 
 
Jack:
They just don't make magical compases like they used to.
 
 
Bootstrap:
Surprise!
 
 
Jack:
I don't mean to alarm you, but you have a starfish growing out of your face.
 
 
Bootstrap:
I don't mean to alarm you, but Davy Jones is gonna have your soul on a silver platter.
 
 
Jack:
Alarmed? Ha! I swagger in the face of danger.
 
 
Bootstrap:
Oh, and Davy Jones told me to give you this black spot. Make sure you feed and water it every day.
 
 
Jack:
Okay, now I'm alarmed.
 
 
Monkey:
Look, I've turned your hat into a little boat!
 
 
Gibbs:
Jack's abandoned his hat? Now we're really doomed.
 
 
Sailor:
Look, I found a lucky hat!
 
 
Kraken:
Ooooh, I want it!
 
 
Fans:
Maybe not so lucky.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Will:
I shall embark on a valiant quest to rescue you, my bride!
 
 
Elizabeth:
So does this mean we can't have kinky prison sex?
 
 
Swann:
Why can't people fix these candelabras to the wall properly?
 
 
Will:
Have you seen this Jack Sparrow?
 
 
Merchant:
You can try this creepy island full of cannibals, but I wouldn't recommend it. Best find yourself another captain, mate.
 
 
Will:
Hmm, this empty beach and jungle seem harmless enough.
 
 
Parrot:
Why does no one believe me when I foreshadow?
 
 
Will:
Hmm, this suspicious string and foot noose seem harmless eno
 
 
Cannibals:
*CAPTURE*
 
 
Jack:
Look, my face is an Evangelion symbol!
 
 
Will:
Um, a little help, here?
 
 
Jack:
No, help me first!
 

~ PotC ~

 
Swann:
I got you a get-out-of-jail-free card!
 
 
Elizabeth:
I'd rather just try and roll doubles.
 
 
Beckett:
Government-sanctioned murder? Why sure!
 
 
Swann:
Everyone in this movie is slowly going more and more renegade!
 
 
Elizabeth:
I call this hostile negotiation!
 
 
Beckett:
I want a chest. And Jack's compass. And a pony. And...hmm, I don't know if I'm being snide enough.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Rrrrgh...all this facing down the bad guy is just making me need "marriage" more, dangit.
 
 
Ragetti:
We're ba-ack! And this time we've got religion!
 
 
Dog:
While I've got the keys to the kingdom!
 
 
Pintel:
Look, a free ship! We'll definitely have no problem rigging it up ourselves!
 
 
Jack:
This toe needs some jam. Haha, get it? Toe jam?
 
 
Will:
What did they do, teleport me into this hanging cage?
 
 
Gibbs:
Mr. Quite-Necessary-Backstory-and-Exposition strikes again!
 
 
Will:
And how do you even know all that?
 
 
Jack:
And now, time for my grand escape plan!
 
 
Cannibals:
It doesn't involve sea turtles again, does it?
 
 
Jack:
Ah, nooooo, just paprika and wishing I had some weapons handy!
 
 
Cannibals:
It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty Jack
 
 
Jack:
NOOOOO, not THAT song! *WOBBLEWOBBLEWOBBLE*
 
 
Will:
Trust me, I practiced this all the time in Kindergarden!
 
 
Other Pirates:
We only died because we weren't in the first moviiiieeeee!...
 
 
Will:
With our protagonist power, we shall survive!
 
 
Jack:
I'm a ready-made pole-vault!
 
 
Cannibals:
Melon fiiiight!
 
 
Will:
And now, one of the many hamster wheel moments throughout the movie.
 
 
Jack:
Wow, lucky I had these bridges, trees and hard ground to cushion my thousand-foot fall.
 
 
Will:
And lucky we had this pool full of sharp rocks to cushion ours.
 
 
Fans:
No really, how are any of them still alive?
 
 
Ragetti:
We were just getting' the boat ready for you, honest!
 
 
Jack:
Flailing your arms helps when running!
 
 
Cannibals:
...Does this mean we have to order pizza again?
 
 
Dog:
As long as there's not dog on top of it!
 

~ PotC ~

 
Will:
I've been looking everywhere for that compass, and I'm not leaving without it!
 
 
Jack:
How about we go looking for something else instead?
 
 
Will:
Okay.
 
 
Schooner Captain:
I always knew you two sods were goin' at it.
 
 
Sailor:
We blame the spirit's dress for our gayness!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Dum dee doo just painting this railing...oh yeah, 'sposed to act male.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Gibbs:
And now, children, I shall tell you a tale ofoh wait, we're here.
 
 
Will:
Hey, I see the Blue Bayou!
 
 
Jack:
Wow, everyone's following me inside.
 
 
Fans:
That's just because they know about the giant leeches.
 
 
Tia Dalma:
Welcome! I am here to both provide more exposition and to outsnark Jack!
 
 
Will:
Is my name just stapled to my forehead or something?
 
 
Jack:
This monkey? He's not undead, he's just whining!
 
 
Monkey:
Ooooh, I found some foreshadowing in this back room!
 
 
Tia Dalma:
I'll tell you a tale of fierce sea gods, of secret chests and keeeys...
 
 
Will:
So really, Davy Jones is just a lovesick pansy.
 
 
Tia Dalma:
Yes, except for the part where he can kill you all. I'm also selling dirt insurance.
 
 
Jack:
I'll TAKE IT!
 

~ PotC ~

 
Jack:
That's right Will, you go on to the scary shipwreck while I stay here where it's nice and not deadly.
 
 
Will:
Is everyone here suffering from post-traumatic-sea monster-syndrome?
 
 
Flying Dutchman:
Surprise, suckers!
 
 
Davy Jones:
Now would you rather die now, or slowly turn into a mass of tidepool flora and fauna over decades of agonizing, thankless toil?
 
 
Will:
...Are those the only choices?
 
 
Davy Jones:
You're too pretty to be here! Let me guess, you just like hanging around dead folks?
 
 
Will:
I pretty much blame Jack for that one entirely.
 
 
Jack:
Wow, that was fast. But about that payment of my soul...
 
 
Davy Jones:
Now there's interest! 100 souls, or we foreclose on your life.
 
 
Jack:
Isn't this whole commerce thing why I became a pirate in the first place?
 
 
Will:
Gee, thanks a lot, pal.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Schooner Captain:
I'm now going to complain more about how the East India Company really is the bad guy, here!
 
 
Dress:
When the cryptdoors creak and the tombstones quake...whoops, wrong movie-based-on-ride.
 
 
Crew:
And now we're back to our superstitious blubbering!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Oh look, the deck's on fire.
 
 
Gibbs:
Come join the Black Pearl! Suckers and suicidals only!
 
 
Norrington:
I've gotten scruffier! All those who doubted my sexiness last movie now have no excuse!
 
 
Jack:
You can't see me, I'm disguised as a plant!
 
 
Norrington:
Finally, an excuse to beat the crap out of people!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Mind if I join in?
 
 
Jack:
You all do that, and I'll go hat-shopping.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Forget swords, beer bottles will do in a pinch!
 
 
Norrington:
I wish my pride was the only thing hurt.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Davy Jones:
Mwahahaha, I'm playing my organ!
 
 
Fans:
...
 
 
Davy Jones:
My pipe organ, you fools!
 
 
Boatsman:
First names may alleviate this problem...or perhaps not.
 
 
Bootstrap:
Whoops, butterfingers.
 
 
Davy Jones:
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
 
 
Fans:
Mmm, wet Will back.
 
 
Bootstrap:
This hurts me a lot more than...oh who am I kidding; of course this whip's gonna hurt more.
 
 
Will:
So will all of this be worth it if I find this stupid key already?
 
 
Wyvern:
Ooh ooh, me! I wanna try some exposition!
 
 
Will:
...That was sudden and rather pointless.
 
 
Elizabeth:
We have come to join your intrepid crew.
 
 
Jack:
What valuable skills can you offer our team?
 
 
Norrington:
I can puke and offer skepticism.
 
 
Elizabeth:
I can make your broken compass work. Slightly.
 
 
Jack:
You're hired!
 
 
Beckett:
Welcome to my office of futile negotiations!
 
 
Swann:
I don't feel nearly as important without my wig.
 
 
Beckett:
That's 'cause you're not anymore. Bow before my shortness!
 
 
Boatsman:
The Flying Dutchman also doubles as a floating casino!
 
 
Will:
I'll try that...luck's definitely been shining on me so far!
 
 
Davy Jones:
The house always wins, sucker!
 
 
Bootstrap:
Sweet, another chance to take the fall.
 
 
Will:
Stop being so self-sacrificing!
 
 
Bootstrap:
And this is after you threw a fit with that whole whipping fiasco?
 
 
Will:
So does this guy just sleep at his organ all day?
 
 
Davy Jones:
I'm part-marine life, all of my dreams are wet dreams.
 
 
Will:
Well, this is incentive to never eat calamari with chopsticks, ever.
 
 
Fans:
Wow, even Indiana Jones couldn't get that to work.
 
 
Will:
...Am I the only one wondering why a ship manned by creatures that can breathe underwater needs a lifeboat?
 
 
Bootstrap:
Who cares? Just hightail it out of here!
 

~ PotC ~

 
Elizabeth:
So, turns out this short little prick back home wants the chest, too.
 
 
Norrington:
Could you speak a little louder. I'm trying to eavesdrop down here.
 
 
Jack:
So. How about we give the Jack/Liz shippers something to squee over?
 
 
Elizabeth:
Yes! Absolutely not! Maybe.
 
 
Norrington:
So I give you up to the man of your dreams so that you can go screwing around with the pirate? Thanks a lot.
 
 
Will:
Do you take hitchhikers?
 
 
Schooner Captain:
Superstitious? You bet, it made us rich!
 
 
Davy Jones:
You can't pull the tentacles over my eyes!
 
 
Kraken:
*Jaws theme*
 
 
Will:
I'm going to climb up here where I'm less likely to get tentacle'd.
 
 
Kraken:
I just decided to take my time dragging this ship to the depths.
 
 
Will:
Protagonist power saves my hide again!
 
 
Flying Dutchman:
I even have this hidden nook for your travel convenience.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Elizabeth:
I'm not married yet! *GROUCHGRUMBLEFUMEMUMBLE*
 
 
Jack:
So...you're horny as hell? I can fix that!
 
 
Elizabeth:
I was trying to say it in a cordial manner!
 
 
Jack:
You and me, peas in a pod...
 
 
Black Spot:
I'm sorry, is this a bad time?
 
 
Jack:
Uhh...look over there, land!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Sheesh, what does this compass run on, pheromones?
 
 
Norrington:
You shouldn't stick me on shovel duty. I might add it to my already long list of grievances against you that I'll use as excuses to kill you.
 
 
Jack:
Wow, and we didn't even need an X to mark the spot.
 
 
Ragetti:
Doot dee doo...is there a purpose to us just hanging around here?
 
 
Pintel:
My guess is it would be to see the evil seaweed ship approaching.
 
 
Will:
I arrive...wet, but in one piece!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Woohoo, let's have sex! ...I mean miss!
 
 
Will:
In a minute, I have to stab this beating heart in a chest.
 
 
Fans:
...Eww, even the heart has barnacles on it.
 
 
Jack:
It's mine! I've got a huge monster on my tail!
 
 
Norrington:
No, it's mine! I've got a grudge to nurse!
 
 
Will:
We'll just have to settle this with a THREE-WAY SWORDFIGHT!
 
 
All Three:
CLASHCLANGSWASHBUCKLE
 
 
Elizabeth:
ARRGH! You boys are so obsessed with each other you ignore the hot girl in need of sex! Testosterone is stupid, I throw rocks at it!
 
 
Ragetti:
We can sell this heart to organ traffickers in Asia!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Not if I stop you, you won't!
 
 
Pintel:
You kinda need something sharp and pointy to do that.
 
 
Dutchmen:
Save some fray for us to join in!
 
 
Jack:
Wow, why do I suddenly feel like Indigo Montoya?
 
 
Will:
Watch me reperform the Khazad-Dum jump...except smaller!
 
 
Jack:
Don't blame me, blame William! He's got...uh...crazy fangirls!
 
 
Norrington:
That argument's so stupid, I just might believe it! *SLASHCLANG*
 
 
Jack:
Who left this open grave in this graveyard?
 
 
Water Wheel:
Indiana Jones, eat your heart out! Again!
 
 
Jack:
*KONK*
 
 
Will:
*STEAL*
 
 
Norrington:
*HAMSTERWHEEL*
 
 
Fans:
...Think they've packed in enough shenanigans, here?
 
 
Elizabeth:
How come wherever I go, there's something or someone with horrible hygiene chasing me?
 
 
Dutchmen:
You're only winning 'cause we're on land, cheaters!
 
 
Will:
...And who's winning the waterwheel fight now?
 
 
Norrington:
I think we're all losing.
 
 
Jack:
*PEGS* Got it in one!
 
 
Conch-Head:
Follow my voice...shoot, it doesn't have ears!
 
 
Jack:
Heck, the heart's already got barnacles on it, a little dirt won't hurt!
 
 
Water Wheel:
The wheels on the beach go squish squish squish...
 
 
Will:
I swear to dizzy I'm not God! *FLUMP*
 
 
Norrington:
Don't worry folks, I will sacrifice myself so that you can escape, and definitely don't have any ulterior motives you're unaware of!
 
 
All:
Sounds fair.
 
 
Conch-Head:
Oh sure, right, make fun of the guy with no head.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Dutchmen:
Are you ready for a challeeeenge?
 
 
Jack:
Time for me to do the manly and mature thing...flaunt my victory in a sing-song voice!
 
 
Davy Jones:
You can flaunt after you've tasted seaweed cannonball.
 
 
Will:
No fair, they've got primitive gattling guns.
 
 
Jack:
Well, as long as we have my famous and invincible jar of dirt, we'll be safe and so
 
 
Jar of Dirt:
*KERSMASH*
 
 
Jack:
Uh-oh.
 
 
Kraken:
Miss me?
 
 
Will:
Looks like it's time for me to take charge. Again.
 
 
Jack:
And for me to abandon ship! *ROWROWROWYOURBOAT*
 
 
Kraken:
Bring me your extras, your cannon fodder, your poor and huddled expendable characters...
 
 
Will:
We haven't reached our summer movie explosion quota yet! Quick, find anything that explodes...and throw in another rum joke while you're at it!
 
 
Jack:
Fine time for the compass to go Jiminy Cricket on me.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Nooo, they can't turn this into a tentacle rape movie!
 
 
Ragetti:
Wow, we actually became useful. Again!
 
 
Kraken:
*Fulfils summer movie explosion quota*
 
 
Will:
So...anyone for barbecued calamari?
 
 
Gibbs:
I'm more for making a break for it with our limbs and internal organs in the right places.
 
 
All:
*Abandon ship*
 
 
Elizabeth:
But wait, we need a goodbye kiss!
 
 
Fans:
!!!
 
 
Elizabeth:
I'll never let go, Jack...just kidding!
 
 
Jack:
Oh yeah, she digs me.
 
 
Will:
Love life...shattering...
 
 
Elizabeth:
Carry on rowing! Nothing to see here, folks!
 
 
Jack:
No wait! I've still got some ingenius-ness left! Watch as I make my daring escape with lamp oil and
 
 
Kraken:
Would you like your hat back now?
 
 
Jack:
Why thank you! ...Just please, try brushing and flossing?
 
 
Kraken:
Oh, like you're one to talk, Mr. Bling-Bling-Pearlies.
 
 
Jack:
Are you knockin' my dentist?
 
 
Kraken:
I'm knockin' YO MOMMA!
 
 
Jack:
*KAMIKAZESWORDDIVE*
 
 
Kraken:
*DOWNWITHTHESHIP*
 
 
Fans:
Well...crap.
 

~ PotC ~

 
Norrington:
I'll trade you this heart for prestige and statue that I lost.
 
 
Beckett:
I'll be taking your conscience, too. Sucker!
 
 
Fans:
So that's how the East India Trading Company owned everyone else.
 
 
Will:
Well, I'm thoroughly depressed for more reasons than one.
 
 
Tia Dalma:
I have something that will make it all better!
 
 
Elizabeth:
What's that?
 
 
Tia Dalma:
Resurrected characters for the purpose of screwing with fans' heads!
 
 
Barbosa:
Yo.
 
 
Fans:
ASDKJAWWJRPAJFPOA!!!!!1ONEELEVEN
 
 
Dog:
As king, I hereby order you to go nuts waiting for the sequel.
 
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