The Guest Hand Puppet Theatre Presents

Pirates of the Caribbean - "Boundless Knowledge of Metal Will Come in Handy"

Written by Celpony

 
Young Elizabeth:
Dum dee doo, dum dee doo...foreshadowing foreshadowing foreshadowing...
 
 
Sailor:
Time for a stupid nautical supersition!
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
*SIGH*...okay.
 
 
Sailor:
Ahem, talkin' about pirates is a bad omen. *COUGHforeshadowingCOUGH*
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
Hey look, a dirty boy on a raft! Can we pick him up? Can we? Can we?
 
 
Young Will:
*SPLAT* COUGHWHEEZECHOKE
 
 
Governor Swann:
I leave you, my 12-year-old daughter with no medical experience, to care for the half-dead boy.
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
Great!
 
 
Young Will:
COUGHSPLUTTERGURGLE
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
I will now stare at you ineffectually.
 
 
Young Will:
.....
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
Ooh, gold... Well, you're already sick, orphaned, and alone; might as well be poor too. *YANK*
 
 
Young Will:
.....
 
 
Young Elizabeth:
Skull and crossbones, that's nonthreatening...
 
 
Disney Writers:
For the sake of somehow forwarding the plot, we're going to skip the next eight years.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Will:
SIGH. I'm too pretty to be poor...
 
 
Candelabra:
*SNAP*
 
 
Will:
...And too clumsy to be useful.
 
 
Elizabeth:
I will now wow you with my beautiful dress. Feel free to grovel miserably.
 
 
Will:
.....
 
 
Elizabeth:
Stop drooling on my shoe.
 
 
Will:
Oh, umm, here's your sword, Governor Swann. Let me do a flashy trick in order to impress your daughter.
 
 
Governor Swann:
Why, YOUR MASTER did a fine job, didn't he Will?
 
 
Will:
Yes. *TWITCH TWITCH*
 
 
Governor Swann:
I'm as vacant as a motel run by Norman Bates!
 
 
Elizabeth:
We'd better get going. We need to give the Commodore his sword.
 
 
Governor Swann:
'Kay.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Bye Will!
 
 
Will:
*DROOL*
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
I pretty much run this whole movie.
 
 
Soldiers:
We're even dumber than Governor Swann! Wait, umm, you can't enter!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Why not?
 
 
Soliders:
Um...
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Could you hurry up? I have looting and plundering to do.
 
 
Soldiers:
We will now hopelessly confuse ourselves to the point where you can walk away unnoticed.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Governor Swann:
Ahem. Commodore, for your great achievements in my service, the highlights of which being really pompous hair, I present you with this sword.
 
 
Commodore:
Why thank you, but a jumbo tub of wig powder would've sufficed. I'm going to go flirt with your daughter now.
 
 
Elizabeth:
*WHEEZEGASP*
 
 
Commodore:
Pompous rambling...
 
 
Elizabeth:
*WHEEEEEEZE*
 
 
Commodore:
Are you alright?
 
 
Elizabeth:
I'm being smothered by the lame corset jokes.
 
 
Commodore:
Oh.
 
 
Elizabeth:
*SPLASH*
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Me to the rescue!
 
 
Elizabeth:
I'm suddenly okay, in spite of my 60-foot drop into extremely shallow and rocky water!
 
 
Commodore:
Jack Sparrow, we will now kill you for your heroic efforts.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Why?
 
 
Commodore:
Because...your hair isn't pompous enough.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Well, give me my gun back first.
 
 
Commodore:
No! So nyeah!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
That's okay, I'll just use my knife and handcuff chain to kidnap Elizabeth.
 
 
Commodore:
Crap.
 
 
Governor Swann:
Do something! I'm grossly ineffectual!
 
 
Commodore:
Fine, fine. Give us the girl and you can go.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Oh boy! Time for one of the 23 scenes in which I swing from ropes!
 

~ POTC ~

 
Will:
'Blacksmith' just isn't a catchy sign. Maybe we should call this place 'Will's House-O-Extraneous Plot Device Swords'. What do you think, master?
 
 
Blacksmith:
Hiccup.
 
 
Will:
Yeah, I think you're in a drunken stupor too.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
As if you weren't depressed enough, I'm here to murder you!
 
 
Will:
No you aren't! I have exactly 16,000 swords!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Well, could you just cut off these handcuffs then?
 
 
Will:
No! We're going to have a well-choreographed sword-clashing fight scene!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Oh crap! Am I in Lord of the Rings?
 
 
Will:
No...I would have blonde hair, then.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Oh right. SLASHSTABSLASH
 
 
Will:
SLASHSWISHSTABITTYSTAB
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
This is getting old...
 
 
Will:
No wait, I have to keep you here until the soldiers arrive!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Fine, fine. SLASHSWISHSTAB
 
 
Blacksmith:
Hiccup. Wee Jack, I sho is drunk and dizzy. *SMASH*
 
 
Omnipotent Guest Author:
Works in this movie, too! (Thanx to the author of Titanic!)
 
 
Will:
They should have named this town Port Ineffectual.
 
 
Soldiers:
In the tradition of our governor, we will now fail to give you any credit and praise this drunk old man.
 
 
Will:
I'm gonna go bang my head against a wall now.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
It's time to make blatant references to the theme park ride! Heeeeeeeere doggy doggy!
 
 
Dog:
*BLINK*
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Well, maybe I can find something on the cell floor to braid into my hair...
 

~ POTC ~

 
Elizabeth:
To make sure I call the undead pirates here, I will now take this necklace out of the drawer and wave it around the window.
 
 
Barbossa:
Arrr! Time to plunder and kill and use lots of cliche pirate slang my undead mateys!
 
 
Pirates:
Arrr! Man the mizzen mast! Yo-ho-ho! Davey Jones' Locker! Walk the plank! Raise the-
 
 
Barbossa:
That's enough! Save some for later!
 

~ POTC ~

 
Soldiers:
Governor! The Black Pearl is here to kidnap your daughter!
 
 
Governor Swann:
What?!?! Um...plan of attack...you guys go out in an unorganized and pitiful manner. I'll stay here, cower in a corner, and sob.
 
 
Pirates:
PLUNDERKILLLOOTPLUNDER
 
 
Townspeople:
*DIE*
 
 
Elizabeth:
Okay...I'll hide in the closet...right...
 
 
Pirate #1:
Come out my...umm, what's a good slightly-perverse-sounding British nickname?
 
 
Pirate #2:
Elizabethy-bethy-boo-boo-boo?
 
 
Pirate #1:
Did I say nauseating?
 
 
Pirate #2:
How about poppet?
 
 
Pirate #1:
Perfect! Come out my poppet!
 
 
Gold:
Come to me...
 
 
Gollum:
Preciousssssss...
 
 
Pirate #1:
Who are you?
 
 
Gollum:
Oh sorry, wrong piece of coveted jewelry.
 
 
Pirates:
SCUFFLESCUFFLEKIDNAP
 
 
Elizabeth:
Pirate jewelry sucks.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Barbossa:
Ye have the necklace, arrr.
 
 
Elizabeth:
And I stole it fair and square, so back off.
 
 
Barbossa:
Give me the necklace.
 
 
Elizabeth:
*SHUDDER* Okay. Now let me go home.
 
 
Barbossa:
Umm...what's your name?
 
 
Elizabeth:
Must...choose...most...unfortunate...name...possible...
Elizabeth Turner.
 
 
Barbossa:
Yes! I mean no, you can't go home now. Muahahahahaa.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Knew I should've picked Elizabeth Jones...
 

~ POTC ~

 
Will:
The way I see it, if I keep trying, I'll have to succeed at something eventually.
 
 
Disney Writers:
Don't count on it anytime soon.
 
 
Will:
Maybe if I recruit a reviled and bloodthirthy criminal, I can save Elizabeth...hey Capt. Jack Sparrow, can you help me?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
I can make extravagant hand gestures and yell seemingly meaningless, foreshadowing-laden words!
 
 
Will:
Like what?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
BOOSTRAP!
 
 
Will:
Must be pirate lingo...umm...SHIRTSLEEVE!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Huh?
 
 
Will:
Umm...necktie!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
What are you talking about?
 
 
Will:
Umm...er...shoelace?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Just unlock the door, you twit!
 
 
Will:
Finally! My boundless knowledge of metal will come in handy!
 
 
Door:
CLANK.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
So what's your name, anyway?
 
 
Will:
Will Turner.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Sweet...we'll call you "Bait Bill."
 
 
Will:
I get a pirate nickname? Cool!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Heh heh, yeah. Okay, time to go into this tavern so you can overhear an important conversation.
 
 
Will:
Then what?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Well, first we have to begin the running Jack-gets-slapped-in-the-face-joke. Then we'll assemble a ragtag crew, cleverly steal a British Royal navy ship, and rescue Elizabeth.
 
 
Will:
That doesn't sound very plausible.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
That's because it isn't. But, it will allow for gratuitous pirate action, and then all the reviewers will be forced to use the word "swashbuckling" in their articles.
 
 
Will:
Oh, okay.
 
 
Crew:
Arrr! SQUAWK! SLAP!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
I hate this joke already...
 
 
Disney Writers:
Yeah, but it's better than the corset one.
 
 
Soldiers:
We will now fall into Jack's plan to steal the ship like the simpletons we are.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Eat my salt spray, limeys!
 
 
Commodore:
Must we chase them? The salt air is so bad for my pompous hair.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Sailor:
C'mere, matey.
 
 
Will:
What?
 
 
Sailor:
Capt Jack blahblah stranded on island blahblah dull backstory wants to get the Black Pearl blahblahblah.
 
 
Will:
ZZZZZZZZZ
 
 
Sailor:
And he's crazy 'cause the sun fried his brain.
 
 
Will:
Should that be news to me?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
GLOWERSTARE
 
 
Sailor:
Eep!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Time for more backstory, Will!
 
 
Will:
Nooooooooooo
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Your dad pirate blahblah bootstrap bill blahblah follow in footsteps blahblah.
 
 
Will:
No!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Yes!
 
 
Will:
No!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Yes!
 
 
Will:
Oh...okay. I'll go mope and be pretty now.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Barbossa:
Guess what, poppet? It's time for more explanatory backstory!
 
 
Elizabeth:
We've covered, like, the entire history of civilization. How can there be more?
 
 
Barbossa:
Like this! Aztec gold blahblah ancient curse blahblah all gathered up blahblah you have the last piece blahblah human sacrifice blahblah use your blood to break the curse blahblahblah.
 
 
Elizabeth:
*SNORE*
 
 
Barbossa:
I said...USE YOUR BLOOD TO BREAK THE CURSE.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Crap.
 
 
Barbossa:
Oh look! The island that nobody can find unless they've already been there!
 
 
Elizabeth:
That's incredibly flawed somehow, but I really, really don't want to hear any more backstory.
 
 
Barbossa:
Okay mateys, we will now use her blood to come back to life! *PRICK*
 
 
Pirates:
Arrr!!!
 
 
Barbossa:
It didn't work, you morons.
 
 
Pirates:
Arrr....
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
Okay, time to save Elizabeth. DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.
 
 
Will:
So, I should burst out randomly in a vain attempt to rescue Elizabeth that will result in our eventual capture?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
I feel you've missed the point.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
Well Elizabeth, since you're trusting me to get you off this island we got dumped on, I may as well admit I'm powerless to do so.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Okay, we'll just get get drunk off this huge stash of alcohol instead.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Good idea.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Weee Jack, I sho is drunk an' dizzy!
 
 
Omnipotent Guest Author:
Couldn't help myself.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Why do people keep saying that to me? Umm, that's okay, you just lean on me.
 
 
Elizabeth:
You know what, Jack?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
What's that?
 
 
Elizabeth:
Even alcohol doesn't make you attractive.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Stupid dreadlocks.
 
 
Elizabeth:
Anyway, don't worry...we'll get off the island. Will's going to save us somehow.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
.....
 
 
Elizabeth:
We're gonna die here, aren't we?
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
Good thing you thought to burn all of that conveniently-placed alcohol. We're rescued!
 
 
Elizabeth:
Yeah! Now you and I will go off on another ill-fated voyage in order to save Will. But first, I'll agree to marry Commodore Pompous Hair for reasons later to be forgotten.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Whatever. I'm gonna go work on my bizarre hand gestures.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Commodore:
Here we are at the island no one can find.
 
 
Fans:
Then how did you find it?
 
 
Commodore:
Wait, are you implying that the plot makes sense?
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Okay, here's my elaborate plan. It should work as long as Will DOESN'T DO ANYTHING DRASTIC.
 
 
Fans:
You're all screwed.
 

~ POTC ~

 
Jack Sparrow:
Okay, big climax. Time to switch from good to evil multiple times! Heh heh, get out there, Will!
 
 
Barbossa:
Arrr...
 
 
Will:
I'm beginning to think "Bait Bill" is a sucky nickname.
 
 
Elizabeth:
I'll save you!
 
 
Disney Writer:
Meanwhile, a huge battle between the British navy and the undead pirates rages.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Guess what? I'm undead too!
 
 
Barbossa:
Okay! Let's fight pointlessly in order to allow for lots of cool skeleton CGI!
 
 
British navy:
BOOM
 
 
Pirates:
CLANGSTABSLASH
 
 
Will:
Oops, paper cut.
 
 
Curse:
*BROKEN*
 
 
Barbossa:
Nyeah nyeah, you wasted your last shot, Jack.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Look down, matey.
 
 
Barbossa:
Arrr....
 
 
Will:
What killed him, the bullet or the irony?
 

~ POTC ~

 
Will:
Hey, a big crowd. Wonder what's going on...oh, it's Jack getting hanged. How sad...on the bright side, I've acquired a cool cape and jaunty hat.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Umm...help?
 
 
Will:
Oh good, another chance to use my mad sword-throwing skills!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
GURGLEWHEEZE
 
 
Will:
Oh. SLASH
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Great, my only two remaining brain cells have died from oxygen loss.
 
 
Will:
Time for a flashy escape scene!
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Remember this as the day you almost escaped my repetitive jokes! *SPLASH*
 
 
Commodore:
Not again...
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Note to self: work on sucky exits.
 
 
Jack Sparrow:
Note to self: work on sucky exits.Commodore:
I've been ruthlessly pursuing him for months! Oh well...
 

~ POTC ~

 
Elizabeth:
All's well that ends well!
 
 
Will:
Wait, you're still engaged to the Commodore for reasons I can't remember.
 
 
Elizabeth:
But this is a Disney movie. Everyone knows we'll end up together.
 
 
Will:
Okay. SMOOCHY
 
 
Governor Swann:
Elizabeth? You picked a blacksmith?
 
 
Elizabeth:
No! Of course not! I picked a pirate!
 
 
Governor Swann:
Okay...*TWITCH TWITCH*
 
 
Fans:
Arrr, when be the sequel, matey?
 
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