At It Like 'The Hedgehog'

By Matt Trueman

A photograph of Ron Jeremy.

The Hedgehog : a man of huge talent

‘It doesn’t matter how good you look, because guys aren’t looking at you to jerk off. They’re looking at the girl. You’re just a prop.’ Ron Jeremy, however, is no mere prop. This is a man who, despite describing himself as “living proof that anyone can get laid,” was rated the number one porn star of all time by Adult Video News. An aura of Hollywood surrounds his bulky frame.

Accompanying him is an entourage of furdraped and medallion-heavy grotesques combining the worst features of a Broadway chorus line and the cast of The Muppet Show. A film crew capture his every word for yet another documentary to take Jeremy as its subject. Though it surrounds him, the overstated glamour of Hollywood fails to pervade Jeremy himself. There is no sense of superiority, no false appearances, and no minding his words for the sake of image.

Even his minder seems more in tune with star style than Jeremy, in a mustard, orange and brown checked shirt and dull grey suit. Ron Jeremy remains plain old Ron Jeremy Hyatt: the schoolteacher with a Masters in Special Needs Education; the aspiring off- Broadway actor; the son who, according to his mother, “dances to a different drummer,” It just so happens that along the way, Ron Jeremy Hyatt has slept with over 4,000 of the world’s women and amassed a tidy sum for doing so.

Perhaps this sense of normality is the reason behind the hyperactive fluster he is in following his talk in the Union Chamber. “I need some souvenirs here,” bellows his crisp yet hollow New York accent. Ever the performer, Jeremy is buzzing after his ‘live show’ and spirited reception. To the documentary’s director he calls, “I don’t even care whether you got anything else, just as long as you got this.” The talk, being more akin to stand up than a lecture, demonstrated this.

Jeremy rattled off jokes at a rate of knots. About religion and foreplay, about LGBsoc, about himself. He stormed through more porno spoofs than the Rad Cam toilets, culminating in the impeccably delivered ‘Men in Black Men’. “I like the real freaky sicko jokes,” he announces to the chamber. And then came the host of usual questions, which one can’t help but think Jeremy has answered thousands of times before.

Are you the luckiest man alive? What’s your favourite position? Doesn’t sex get boring? If not sex, surely repeating answers must become a little tedious? “It depends. On a radio show it gets very boring. I did like fifteen radio stations today to promote the RJ Mobile; that kind got a bit boring. But when it’s students, like this, in a live show, I’ll think of new things to say.” Jeremy’s attitude to the business comes across with the utmost of clarity.

It’s all about personality, respect and charm. He puts his reputation entirely down to having such an outlook. Nonetheless, his somewhat unconventional looks can get in the way. While some girls love working with him on account of character, others won’t touch him or his bargepole. “They want younger, cuter boys. They’d probably choose you over me. I understand that. If the girl’s 19 or 20 years old, she wants some muscular guy, with a cute little stomach.

Ron Jeremy? I don’t think so. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t get offended by it.” However, when it comes to knowledge of the industry, Jeremy seems second to none. “It’s a new era now. Since Viagra, any guy could do it. You don’t have to worry about being able to get your dick up. They want clean-cut guys like you.”

With the prospect of a glittering porn career ahead of me, according to the man affectionately known as The Hedgehog, I enquire as to the best way to go about achieving xrated stardom. From Jeremy’s mouth comes a tirade of tips, blasted out at an almost unintelligible speed, darting back and forth haphazardly. “The best thing you can do to get a job, if you want to do a heterosexual film, is bring a real good looking girl with you. The better looking she is, the quicker your job.

It’s not you. As long as you can look cute, the girls like you, you can get a nice erection, you’re done. Be clean cut, be very hygienic, smell a lot, give a good sex scene, make the girl like you by being very polite and sweet: they’re going to love your ass.” For Jeremy, politeness and deference are the key traits. “Be very polite: the women are the rulers of porn. They really are. If you’re abusive, you’re mean, your job’s over. Especially in America and England.

In Europe, the guys make the choices. In America, they let the girls choose. Even if the director tells you to do something, you go, ‘Is this OK? Is he being too mean?’ So they’re going to keep wanting to work with you, because you’re a nice guy.” So much for attitude, but I can’t help but think that my downfall would be technique; the small matter of the performance itself. “The way to avoid making ridiculous faces is to not think about what you’re doing.

You want to be with the beautiful girl. Guys don’t get turned on seeing a guy struggle. Actors that aren’t good, act too much. Once they get a girl, they go crazy: they’re like, ‘Oh baby, oh God.’ That’s not sexy. The thing about porn is it’s still entertainment.” What, then, for the perfect spank? “It’s got to make a nice little resounding noise. You have a little gentle cup.

You don’t want to hurt the girl too much; it makes a nasty sound effect, so you don’t go totally flat. To spank a girl properly is like a little shock. You don’t want to hurt her. you don’t want to break her bones. You want to be getting a little flesh thing, so it goes a little red.” Then comes the return of attitude: “You have to know if they are into it or not, because if you do it to a girl who’s not into it, you’ll end up being thumped in the head.”

It all sounds a little complex; too many things to think about. However, if men really are the props of porn, surely it’s got to be harder for the women? “Girls have the a harder job sociologically, because it’s hard to find pretty girls who’ll do it: telling the family, the double standard that a girl is simply a ‘ho. “The girl’s job is easier physically. They can be not even into it. It’s fifty-fifty – half the girls like it, half go through the motions.

Some even climax,” he says, as if it’s the most unnatural thing about sex. For Jeremy, sex is sex. Its still great, but it’s just sex. “You put your little penis in and go, ‘Uuuh,’ and call it a day. But to cuddle, you have to like the girl a little bit. If a girl of mine wants to have sex with a guy, does it safely, in an open lifestyle – put the penis in, take it out, never see it again – that’s fine. “But a cuddle overnight, I’m pissed.

A romantic candlelit dinner, f**k no. They sit by the fireplace, cuddling together, watching TV. F**K NO. F**k no. You should only need one person for your emotions. You can get a little thrill elsewhere.

5th May 2005