The FANLESS Homepage!!

I am so over hearing crying kids!

In here we have some boondongle keychains internet drama. A must-have for this season’s fashion.
Even though http://stuckonthepalmetto.blogspot.com and CriticalMiami.com are pretty much the only blogs I visit (oh, and TheDirtMiami.com) I wasn’t interested enough to actually read each of the comments all the way through. That meant I couldn’t really decide who I wanted to win the argument, so I did the most logical thing… I made a linkfight!
As you can see http://stuckonthepalmetto.blogspot.com pretty much got p0wnt, which kind of bummed me out because I thought the premisses of the debate was pretty lame. Say what you want about online polls, but it’s still kind of fun to click on buttons and look at graphs.
But, you know… These innernets are zOMG SERIOUS BUSINESS!!

…and that gave me the brilliant idea of… A POLL!!

…and do you know what is even more ridiculous than arguing over online polls…? Getting Screech to promote your web hosting business!

That wasn’t even what I was going to type about, but I spent too long playing with linkfight and now I want to watch The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift!

I think this is the 3rd Sunday night in a row where I am photoshopping into the wee hours of the morning.
This is going to make me get old really quick, and on top of that, I’ll probably grow tired of this photoshop-at-home thing really quick.
I’m already to a point where I don’t want to do it for the amount of money I’m getting, but on the flip side I don’t feel like there is anything that needs to be done to these pics that would warrant being paid more money. It kind of sucks because I want to help this person out, but at the same time I want to have my weekends free to do whatever I want to do.
Do I break free from them this early in the game so they don’t invest any more time in a relationship with me or do I try to make it work and/or hope they just move on on their own recognizance?
It’s kind of dumb. I wish I were more awesome at Photoshop so I could just burn through the images fast enough so I would still have most of my weekend free.

You may remember seeing the below garbage can in this post, and I’m sure I will be posting more pictures of it in the future. But check out the what I saw just before coming home for lunch today!

I’m sure you can guess what happens next!

P.S.: I am swimming in a sea of possible subject lines for this post! A cornucopia, if you will. The possibilities are endless!
“The REAL South Beach Diet!”
“Hello, my name is Raaaalph!”
“I’m sorry, were you going to eat that?”
“Atta girl!”
“B&P: It’s not just for models!”
Please leave a comment with your own possible subject lines for extra lulz!

In the illustrious words of Ron Burgundy, “I don’t know how to put this… but… I’m kind of a big deal!”
I mean, if a person designs a shoe and then it is on the shoe manufacturer’s website, that kind of makes it a signature shoe, right? So this is my Air Jordan, yes? Or to show a little more fealty to Etnies, my signature shoe is liken to Taj’s Roscoe (or even the Trauma from back in the day). Rooftop’s… uh… Rooftop! Joe Rich’s uh… dang, the name of his shoe just slipped my mind. What the hell was it called?? Maybe that’s why they don’t sell it now… Um… It was somewhat close to the Trauma… Like it started with a T… C’mon brain! Don’t fail me now!! I know… I’ll see if it’s on that cool timeline thing on etnies’ site. OH YEAH! The Throttle! I’m sure you get my point: I’M AWESOME! Does Travis Pastrana have a signature DC shoe? I don’t think so! He may have one-off Thor Lumber Jack gear, but is he going to wear it to the mall? Not very likely. (I guess it’s about as likely as Travas Pastrana hanging out at a mall, but… semantics, ya know? Oh, and beyond that, didn’t Travis donate his Lumber Jack jersey to the David Bailey Extravaganza auction or something?)
I’m actually not done typing yet. I’m going to divulge into the not-so-deep history I have with wearing Etnies.
Way back in July of 2001, Kim and I were in NYC and I was dying to get a pair of Taj’s zOMG BRAND NEW Traumas! We hit pretty much every shop between Grand and Broadway all the way up to Central Park. I’m serious! Ask Kim!! All I wanted was a size 10.5 pair of Etnies so I could be cool like Taj. I ended up getting a pair of Etnies Tremors* at YRB instead. That was my very first pair of Etnies. They’re pretty beat up by now, but they fit so well. I still wear them when we hit the trails.
I never got a pair of Traumas, but after a couple of years and a couple of pairs of Vans/Orchids/Fluevogs/whatever passed, Taj got a new signature pair of Etnies in the afore mentioned Roscoe. Well, once I saw them I knew there was no way I was going to not get a pair! And I finally did, in the spring of 2005. I think this is the only picture I have of those. And not too long after that, I got a pair of Rune Glifberg’s signature Etnies, The Tip. Then in December of 2005 I got another pair of Roscos, this time in Green/Yellow. (I guess I don’t have a picture of them) I’ve worn those shoes almost exclusively all year. They’re a little dirty, but really not showing any wear.
It seems kind of amazing that I was able to go 9+ months without buying new shoes. I LOVE SHOES! I mean, I just pointed out that I bought 3 pairs of Etnies in 2005. I guess it just goes to show how broke I’ve been this year.
My recent raise should alleviate that some.
So, go buy a pair of Etnies, but before you do, be sure to play a little Braap Braap! and if you don’t totally suck at it, you’ll get a discount on your purchase.

Oh, P.S.: I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everybody that helped me get to where I’m at today. Self; thank you, self. I owe it all to you!

*Ok, what is the proper grammar for this? The shoe name is “Tremor”, but I bought a pair… as in two shoes, not one. So do I just change the name to “Tremors” or do I say “I bought a pair of Etnies Tremor” because I’m talking about one pair??? This is why I need a r1lly smrt girlfriend; so I could ask her questions like this all of the time.

I don’t really have any plans for this weekend, but I kind of hope to find a wife at the casting for Hottest Mom in America on Saturday. (Hey, I just thought of something! I wonder of the “TRUE MILF” is going to try out for this show? If so, will she demonstrate her special talent at the casting?? OH SNAP! I just found the most amazing web site on all of the innernets (maybe not work safe - I actually can’t wait to get to work to show everyone this gem!!) while browsing the milf squirter’s site. At first I just assumed they were sound effects, but watch the 3 sample videos and judge for yourself. My friend Kim should start a site like that! She’d probably make millions.) Failing that, I’ll probably spend a considerable amount of time at the Zephyrhill Beach Volleyball Series National Championships From Miami Beach! It’s actually Family Fitness Weekend here on the beach, so there are several things going on. Oh, and the Motocross des Nations is this weekend, so I’ll probably be trying to stay on top of that too. I’d probably be a lot less interested if James Stewart wasn’t on Team USA.

I don’t think I have any plans for the next 2 weekends, but the Jeremy McGrath Invitational is on the weekend of October 6-7th. I plan on being in Orlando October 13-15th for the Dew Action Sports Tour. I’m still waiting for Brandon to get back to me on whether or not we have hook-ups. The US Open of Supercross is that same weekend.

I don’t have any plans for the weekend after that, but I think I have to be in West Palm on Sunday the 29th for Mia’s 1st birthday party. Might be a Halloween party stuffed in there somewhere too.
I have 3 tickets to see New Found Glory on the following Saturday, November 4th, at Revolution in Ft. Lauderdale. If you’re single, over 18, female, and have a friend that matches these criteria, and you’re willing to give me a ride to/from the show, you and your friend can share my 3 tickets with me. Otherwise, I’ll make Kim and Brandon drive down from West Palm, pick me up on the beach, drive back to Ft. Lauderdale for the show, drive back to South Beach to drop me off, AND THEN they can drive back to West Palm. Hey, if you think that’s a lot of miles to cover for a concert, just remember that when I was growing up in Washington State we would have to drive to Seattle (probably 350 miles round trip!) or Spokane (250 miles round trip) to see anyone worth seeing! Also… Back in 2001 Kim and I flew to NYC to see NFG! I also flew to Oklahoma City Oklahoma and Seattle to see Blink 182 that year. I must have been kind of rich back then. The summer of 2001 was kind of crazy… I spent like $300 to get into the MacWorld Keynote in NYC, and then the next weekend I flew to Kansas City MO where my parents picked me up and we drove to Manhattan Kansas for a family reunion. I wonder what my hick cousins thought of me when I was like… “Yeah, this morning I was on South Beach and I just got home from spending 10 days in Manhattan and now I’m in Manhattan Kansas. WTF?”. Then my parents flew back to Florida with me and they hung out for a week or so. That was the first and only time they came to visit me down here. That was also the first and only time I have been to Key West. Then about a month later September 11th happened and I already had plans made/tickets purchased to fly to OKC on September 15th. I remember sweating those 4 days HOPING none of my flights would be screwed up. That ended up being a pretty cool trip. Then I flew to Seattle in December. Things were definitely different for me back then. I mean, as of right now I am overdrawn by $56.22 so obviously I’m not traveling as much these days. Oh, also… I just got a raise at work which is pretty awesome! I’ve been pretty proud of how hard I’ve been working for the past couple of months and it’s nice to be rewarded for my hard work. Now if everybody that owes me money would pay me I might be able to fly somewhere! And I’ll get to where in a sec… I kind of went off on a tangent there. ANYWAYS…

I will turn 32 one week after the NFG show. The Swatch Paparazzi is being featured on woot.com today and that would make a tremendous birthday present for a guy like me! I’d buy it for myself, but, as I said… I’m overdrawn! And if you’re female, over 18, and single and you bought me that watch, I would be willing to TRY TO make you squirt like the afore mentioned squirting milf! I really want that watch! Actually, I’d love to have any of the Swatch Smart watches for men. I’d also love to have a Swatch Nautilus. That was the very first Swatch I owned. I think I got it in 1986. I’ve wanted to get another one ever since I lost mine.

Let’s see… The weekend after that would be the weekend before Thanksgiving and I don’t think I have anything planned. Oh, you know what…? I think the Nintendo Wii comes out on November 19th and I’d love to get my hands on one of those, even if just to play Excite Truck! Then Thanksgiving weekend… And then nothing for the following weekend and then…

I will probably be flying to Seattle on Thursday December 7th! This trip will probably be a carbon copy of last year where I flew to Seattle on a Thursday and the innernets got me drnk and then the next day I was really Really REALLY R1LLY hungover and we had to pull over 3 times so I could vomit on the side of I-90 while crossing the Cascades en-route to the farm. That was one of the worst days of my life, but the trip as a whole was pretty awesome!
Of course, you know what happens after one more planless weekend… Christmas and then New Year’s Eve!! And that’s the rest of my year.
Oh, I forgot… I think there are 2 rounds of the World Supercross championship in December, but I forget when they are exactly.
And then the real Supercross series starts in Anaheim on January 6th and then I think MacWorld starts on the 9th and then…

WOW! That was a lot of typing!!

As part of the Miami Cross Blogination project, Manola 180 risked life and limb to catch the elusive Fanless on IM! Finally, South Beach’s sexiest Mexican bares all in a sensitive, heartfelt interview.

Manola: Fanless, you’ve reached over 200,000 hits. WTF?

First of all, I hit over 200,000 hits way back in like 1996. But recently I acquired 200,000 hits in one month! So, obviously, counting all of those hits has taken up a lot of my time. And do you know how hard it is to count to 200,000+ when you only have 10 fingers and 10 toes to count on?? It ain’t easy, let me tell ya!

Manola: Yet, your reputation for giving great photoshop jobs precums you. What was the worst evar photoshop job you had to do? More spermifically, did it involve pubic hairs from a dood?

I have definitely had to tame my fair share of dick fur, but that doesn’t bother me too much. I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but it doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as asinine retouching requests. I’m talking about stuff that doesn’t make a blonde cunt hair’s difference, but the client keeps sending the image back until it is EXACTLY how they want it. I’m like, “Look, you’re not going to get booked for that Guess Jeans job just because there’s a fucking extra inch of fence in the background of your picture, ok? You might want to lay off of the Häagen-Dazs if you’re looking for ways to boost your bookability.” There’s a saying in the trade that goes like this… “You can’t polish a turd!”

Manola: Hmm. We’re all crazy about you, but move over Fanless. How about LAWLESS? An insider from The Fart Deco Preservation Society leaked some confidential information about a cease and desist letter on the usage of GREEN and PINK. It’s also rumored that an attorney-at-flaw wants to fajita-grill your ass for giving his daughter an overdose of javascript that ended in prophylactic seizures. Supp?

I’m on beer # 2.5. Can I get drnk before answering that?

Manola: Oh nose! Hey, you needn’t go into detail … next question! You are the most elusive, least photographed celebrity hunted by the paparazzi! How do you do it? Personally, I’ve been stalking you every time you’ve ordered an over-priced quesadilla at News Café, but you slide in and out like a tequila-lubricated one-night stand!

Yeah, ya know… Haters all around, I tell ya. Here’s the thing… I do my thing, and people bitch about it. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with them. And then I’ll stop doing my thing and people start to bitch, saying they’ve got to get theirs too. And I’m like… Pick a lane, Ed! One or the other already! AND THEN people are gonna try to blame ME for their mental issues? HELLO? The shit goes all blinky/shaky/blinding/whatever for a reason! Hell yeah people are gonna trip! That’s the point! People try to shit on me, and I just try to stay on top and keep smiling. Life is like fucking a fat girl… Sometimes it can be easy to lose your focus and forget what you’re aiming for. All you gotta do is roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!

Manola: South Beach wouldn’t be the same without Fanless. What’s next for the Fanless we all adore?

I lay low out of necessity! It’s actually necessary for me to lay low for 2 reasons… I gotta stay true to what I know, and I can’t be having people trying to steal my flower! And they try too! Everywhere I go, lovely ladies (and sometimes twinks!) be trying to get my attention and that usually leads to them trying to trick me into stanking them. That ain’t what I’m all about, ya know! I ain’t married and what not. Of course, on the flip side I gotta lay low because this is South Beach! If you’re sober enough to keep half an eyelid open you’re gonna see hot chicks! And.. Ya know… I’m a man! A man with a thang! When I see lovely South Beach ladies, my thang tries to get a look too! And I can’t be seen in public with Rusty Johnson standing at attention, know what I’m saying? People will point and stare and some women would straight pass out if they saw that. Trust me, it’s happened before! Police were called and stuff. It’s just easier for me to stay home with my innernets and television and stuff. It’s really best for everyone.

Manola: Dude, what the Torianus.com was that all about?

Oh, sorry! What’s next? I dunno… Hey, do you have a little sister??

We know you can’t get enough of Fanless. Catch him today at Miami Vegan!

blogination, miami,, interview

Dear innernets,
Is this offensive??

Hey, at least today isn’t 9-11!
Also, why do I get so annoyed when people say 9-1-1 instead of 9-11?? I love Paul Harvey and all, but I about lose it when I hear him say “9-1-1″! It’s not 9-1-1! 911 is what you dial in an emergency! The date “9-1-1″ was like 2005 years ago! If you’re referring to 9-11 it’s NOT 9-1-1!!

I will be posting on Miami Vegan tomorrow as part of the Miami Cross Blogination and at this point I have no idea what I will post there. PLZ ADVISE!!! This whole Cross Blogination thing feels like homework! And I never complete my homework on time. That’s probably why I never graduated from high school.

Also, in 30 minutes I will be walking over to Uncle Sam’s to pick up the new New Found Glory CD! I am so moist with anticipation!

Oh, P.S.: Manola will be providing the lulz here tomorrow (Tuesday)!

How do you like my Etnies?

You can always tell it’s going to be an interesting day when you show up to work and your boss is wearing spandex!

This past weekend I earned enough money to buy a Volume Sledgehammer by retouching a ton of pics for an upcoming issue of a magazine that may or may not be referenced in this Miami New Times article I found via Critical Miami. In taking these screenshots I realized I could (should?) have done a better job on them. Oh well… They’re happy with them and I’m happy to have them done.
Anyways, here are just a few of them. (Before is on the left; after on the right. Click on them to make them bigger, and then click on the right side of the image to go to the next one.)

Now you might be like… Dude, those are so unamazing I don’t even know why you bothered posting them!” (and I wouldn’t blame you) but at least I have something to post other than me going on about how I am over the net and life in general.

Oh, P.S.: There is a Sledgehammer in this video and in these pics. I glad it’s not white and blue like the one I want to get because that girl kind of wrecks it for me.

I think the innernets are planning the next September 11th attack IN MY BLOG zOMG!!
86 comments and counting! That’s hott!! I hope none of them are directed at me because I have no clue what those funny letters mean. I’m just a dum mexican american, ok?

or maybe it has to do with the fact that I am the top hit for “sex cam” on the funny letter google.

…so I’m sure that by now the innernets know that I’ve been with my uncle in Alaska hunting Wolverines for the past couple of weeks. Or maybe not. Maybe I was on my way to 8.5 a couple of Saturday nights ago when my past caught up with me and I had to do a little stint in the klink. Or maybe not. Maybe I just caught some sort of a malady, missed a couple of days of work, had my iMac G5 die on me for a 3rd time. The fact of the matter is… I CALLED IT!
A couple of months ago I said I would reach 200,000 page views in the month of August, and I did it! Easily!

And I didn’t even update my blog for the 2nd half of the month!
Busiest month: Aug 2006 (221,955 requests for pages). What do you think of that?
Maybe I’ll have this be the only post I make in September and see if I can hit 250,000!
I wonder if Apple would have replaced my iMac G5 with a new one if they knew how many people visited my site in a month. I’m betting they’d be more cooperative if I made a post about how shitty my iMac G5 is and how screwed I’ll be if it dies for a 4th time after September 24th and I have to pay $1249.20 to get it fixed.
I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.