Archive for South Beach


zOMG u guiez da f1rewerx on souf beesh were s0 assum! did u c dem??

What a let-down. I hope this isn’t a prelude to how 2007 is going to be.
P.S.: Official word: FIreworks cancelled due to bad weather.

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Jean’s beaver, Joy’s Panda, and Lucy’s butt!

Almost every day I feel like I should type something on the innernets, but I don’t really ever have anything to say.
So here’s a re-run from a post I made back in a little over 4 years ago. I think it’s kind of funny, but probably not if you don’t know any of the people I type about.

The recent expiration of my account has left me with two free minutes. I’m going to use these 2 minutes to fill you in on what has been going on.
On November 1st Kim came down and we walked all over South Beach hitting every tattoo shop we could find. I finally got my ear piercings stretched from 16 gauge to 10 gauge at South Beach Tattoo. That’s the same place where that girl from Jackass,  Tuesday   Wednesday, pierced my lip nearly 3 years ago. I hope to get to a 6 guage when Brandon is here later this month.
Of course, I turned 28 on Veteran’s Day, November 11th. That day was rather uneventful. Nothing like last year.
On the 25th of November, Kim made a return visit to Miami Beach, and we went to Lissette’s birthday party at Carl and Chad’s place on Palm Island. For some reason I wasn’t feeling the scene. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t in much of a partying mood. I did, however, get to see Jean’s beaver (kinda).
The next day Kim and I did a bit of shopping at the Aventura Mall. Kim got 2 pairs of sunglasses, and a big-ass stuffed Panda bear for Joy. Kim made me carry it all around the mall. I think because it was taller than her. The f00king thing was pulling chicks like mad, so I didn’t really mind. One hawt girl that worked at Pac-Sun saw it and said, “Awww! Is it soft?” I wanted to say “Not anymore!” but I didn’t because she was a bit too young, and Kim was right there and would have ragged on my cheezieness for the rest of the day, if not the rest of my life.
From there Kim and I trekked North to West Palm for yet another birthday party. This time it was for Joy. I was in a better mood, but not my usual self. To this day I can’t figure out what was wrong with me that weekend. I caught a ride back to Miami with Chad and Lissette late that night. Several pictures from both parties can be found here.
In browsing through some of those pictures, I remembered something worth noting…
You may recall me saying something about Lissette’s friend Lucy a while back, and it’s no secret that I’ve had a boner for her ever since, but I never really thought that I would be someone that she would remember. Well, I was talking to her that night at Chad’s and she axed me if “I still had that Pink bike”. She remembered my Pork!! I’M MEMORABLE!! Or at least my bike is. Lissette told me a while back that I should have busted a move a long time ago because now she’s living with some putzy guy. But you know how it is… He who hesitates… Here’s a not-so-flattering picture of Lucy’s ass. It’s a shame that she’s not really in any other pictures from that night. I WOULD!!
After 3 more days of work, I spent Thanksgiving at Wendy’s once again. The usual Thanksgiving feast and festivities. We watched Ice Age and the video from their trip across the US. Before we ate I had to play house with Zo√ę. She had some bowls totally filled with water. I mean, so full that they overflowed when she put spoons in them. She was biting chunks of her carrot off and putting them into the water, or what she called “Carrot soup”. She was getting mad at me because i wouldn’t really eat it. She cried really hard when it was time for me to go home. She begged me to stay the night. It made me feel bad.
I bet you wish you had a kid as rad as Zoe!

The next day I hopped on the Tri-Rail and spent the next 3 days in West Palm.
My 2 minutes is up now, so I’ll have to end with that.

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Shaun Alexander vs Young MC

I have drama (and yes, this will reveal how amazingly complicated my life is).
The Seattle Seahawks are slated the take on the 49ers tonight on my TV at 8 PM. Sounds awesome, right? Especially since I was stuck in a car heading to Seattle on Sunday when the Seahawks last played (and lost). Only, there is a problem… That Nike run thing is supposed to happen at 8 PM too.
I am torn. Do I stay home and watch the Seahawks or do I go out and see Vanilla Ice, De La Soul, Young MC, Coolio, and Digital Underground??I can always tivo the Hawks game, but watching it after the fact just isn’t the same.
Does live in real life trump live on my TV?

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VANILLA ICE!! I mean Nike Hit Run Remix!


Don’t forget to check out the Nike Hit Run Remix tonight!
Of course, the running part isn’t all that important. At least not when compared to check out Vanilla Ice!

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40 oz in my lap and it’s freezing my

It’s kind of cold in my apartment tonight and I still don’t have a heater. I am warming my feet with this lamp. There were about 2 million dead bugs in the lamp and now they’re on my floor (and socks).
Last night I had to make a life threatening choice! Risk freezing to death while riding to Publix for food after work, or risk starving to death at home because I didn’t have any food. I decided to brave the conditions and make the trek to West Ave. I made it back alive. It actually wasn’t that bad. Tonight feels colder.

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Miami Podcasts

Hello, what happened to The Miami Podcast? It’s been like 6 weeks since the last one.
Ok, it wasn’t the best podcast in the world or anything, but are there any other/better Miami/South Florida podcasts? If so, please direct my attention to them.
My listening material is getting so weak, I’m resorting to Linux/Ubuntu podcasts!
Oh, also… I updated my blog to the newest version of WordPress (2.0.5) tonight, and I updated 6 plugins. I think my recent comments thing is fucked up though. It should be showing only 3 days worth of comments.

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(almost) famous!

Hey, lqqk at me! One of my pictures is on Wikipedia!

And if you like that one, there are a bunch more here.

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Is this hot? Because one part of my brain is saying “Yes, you dickfur!! This is hot! WATCH IT AGAIN!” and another part is like “Um… this looks kind of ridiculous and she should clean her room and I think this girl might actually be young enough to be my daughter so I’m probably going to hell (or jail!) for watching this!”


Same scenario.

Oh, this reminds me of last year’s Halloween when I was on Lincoln Road! I have no Halloween plans as of this moment. Maybe I’ll be on Lincoln Road again and MAYBE those girls will be there again too. That would be awesome.

P.S.: Further surfing of the tubes has lead me to the epitome of… I don’t even know where to start. If these girls were drnk when they made this video (and I’m assuming they were not), can you imaging how embarrassed they would be the next day? For fucks sake, I think I’m embarrassed for them! Is this a sure sign of me getting old? I mean, in the illustrious words of Funkmaster Flex, be clear. I have contributed countless dumb videos of me and my friends to the innernets. (more here)And maybe some people are embarrassed for me, but I’m not. Do you think that the fact that I can’t conceive what these girls were thinking when they uploaded these videos to the net means I am REALLY old?
That kind of scares me.

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now I’ve seen 2 people pee outside the office!

…so there I am at work, and I look up and I see this guy making a fort out of truck doors and I knew exactly what was going to happen because I’ve done similar things a million times before. The main difference is that I was always in the middle of nowhere (or drnk!) when I’ve had to pee outside.

…and then the guy was like LOL PLZ DON’T REPORT ME, K?

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The amazing things I see from my desk!

You may remember seeing the below garbage can in this post, and I’m sure I will be posting more pictures of it in the future. But check out the what I saw just before coming home for lunch today!

I’m sure you can guess what happens next!

P.S.: I am swimming in a sea of possible subject lines for this post! A cornucopia, if you will. The possibilities are endless!
“The REAL South Beach Diet!”
“Hello, my name is Raaaalph!”
“I’m sorry, were you going to eat that?”
“Atta girl!”
“B&P: It’s not just for models!”
Please leave a comment with your own possible subject lines for extra lulz!

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Early Warning

I don’t really have any plans for this weekend, but I kind of hope to find a wife at the casting for Hottest Mom in America on Saturday. (Hey, I just thought of something! I wonder of the “TRUE MILF” is going to try out for this show? If so, will she demonstrate her special talent at the casting?? OH SNAP! I just found the most amazing web site on all of the innernets (maybe not work safe - I actually can’t wait to get to work to show everyone this gem!!) while browsing the milf squirter’s site. At first I just assumed they were sound effects, but watch the 3 sample videos and judge for yourself. My friend Kim should start a site like that! She’d probably make millions.) Failing that, I’ll probably spend a considerable amount of time at the Zephyrhill Beach Volleyball Series National Championships From Miami Beach! It’s actually Family Fitness Weekend here on the beach, so there are several things going on. Oh, and the Motocross des Nations is this weekend, so I’ll probably be trying to stay on top of that too. I’d probably be a lot less interested if James Stewart wasn’t on Team USA.

I don’t think I have any plans for the next 2 weekends, but the Jeremy McGrath Invitational is on the weekend of October 6-7th. I plan on being in Orlando October 13-15th for the Dew Action Sports Tour. I’m still waiting for Brandon to get back to me on whether or not we have hook-ups. The US Open of Supercross is that same weekend.

I don’t have any plans for the weekend after that, but I think I have to be in West Palm on Sunday the 29th for Mia’s 1st birthday party. Might be a Halloween party stuffed in there somewhere too.
I have 3 tickets to see New Found Glory on the following Saturday, November 4th, at Revolution in Ft. Lauderdale. If you’re single, over 18, female, and have a friend that matches these criteria, and you’re willing to give me a ride to/from the show, you and your friend can share my 3 tickets with me. Otherwise, I’ll make Kim and Brandon drive down from West Palm, pick me up on the beach, drive back to Ft. Lauderdale for the show, drive back to South Beach to drop me off, AND THEN they can drive back to West Palm. Hey, if you think that’s a lot of miles to cover for a concert, just remember that when I was growing up in Washington State we would have to drive to Seattle (probably 350 miles round trip!) or Spokane (250 miles round trip) to see anyone worth seeing! Also… Back in 2001 Kim and I flew to NYC to see NFG! I also flew to Oklahoma City Oklahoma and Seattle to see Blink 182 that year. I must have been kind of rich back then. The summer of 2001 was kind of crazy… I spent like $300 to get into the MacWorld Keynote in NYC, and then the next weekend I flew to Kansas City MO where my parents picked me up and we drove to Manhattan Kansas for a family reunion. I wonder what my hick cousins thought of me when I was like… “Yeah, this morning I was on South Beach and I just got home from spending 10 days in Manhattan and now I’m in Manhattan Kansas. WTF?”. Then my parents flew back to Florida with me and they hung out for a week or so. That was the first and only time they came to visit me down here. That was also the first and only time I have been to Key West. Then about a month later September 11th happened and I already had plans made/tickets purchased to fly to OKC on September 15th. I remember sweating those 4 days HOPING none of my flights would be screwed up. That ended up being a pretty cool trip. Then I flew to Seattle in December. Things were definitely different for me back then. I mean, as of right now I am overdrawn by $56.22 so obviously I’m not traveling as much these days. Oh, also… I just got a raise at work which is pretty awesome! I’ve been pretty proud of how hard I’ve been working for the past couple of months and it’s nice to be rewarded for my hard work. Now if everybody that owes me money would pay me I might be able to fly somewhere! And I’ll get to where in a sec… I kind of went off on a tangent there. ANYWAYS…

I will turn 32 one week after the NFG show. The Swatch Paparazzi is being featured on today and that would make a tremendous birthday present for a guy like me! I’d buy it for myself, but, as I said… I’m overdrawn! And if you’re female, over 18, and single and you bought me that watch, I would be willing to TRY TO make you squirt like the afore mentioned squirting milf! I really want that watch! Actually, I’d love to have any of the Swatch Smart watches for men. I’d also love to have a Swatch Nautilus. That was the very first Swatch I owned. I think I got it in 1986. I’ve wanted to get another one ever since I lost mine.

Let’s see… The weekend after that would be the weekend before Thanksgiving and I don’t think I have anything planned. Oh, you know what…? I think the Nintendo Wii comes out on November 19th and I’d love to get my hands on one of those, even if just to play Excite Truck! Then Thanksgiving weekend… And then nothing for the following weekend and then…

I will probably be flying to Seattle on Thursday December 7th! This trip will probably be a carbon copy of last year where I flew to Seattle on a Thursday and the innernets got me drnk and then the next day I was really Really REALLY R1LLY hungover and we had to pull over 3 times so I could vomit on the side of I-90 while crossing the Cascades en-route to the farm. That was one of the worst days of my life, but the trip as a whole was pretty awesome!
Of course, you know what happens after one more planless weekend… Christmas and then New Year’s Eve!! And that’s the rest of my year.
Oh, I forgot… I think there are 2 rounds of the World Supercross championship in December, but I forget when they are exactly.
And then the real Supercross series starts in Anaheim on January 6th and then I think MacWorld starts on the 9th and then…

WOW! That was a lot of typing!!

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zOMG! Exclusive Interview!

As part of the Miami Cross Blogination project, Manola 180 risked life and limb to catch the elusive Fanless on IM! Finally, South Beach’s sexiest Mexican bares all in a sensitive, heartfelt interview.

Manola: Fanless, you’ve reached over 200,000 hits. WTF?

    First of all, I hit over 200,000 hits way back in like 1996. But recently I acquired 200,000 hits in one month! So, obviously, counting all of those hits has taken up a lot of my time. And do you know how hard it is to count to 200,000+ when you only have 10 fingers and 10 toes to count on?? It ain’t easy, let me tell ya!

Manola: Yet, your reputation for giving great photoshop jobs precums you. What was the worst evar photoshop job you had to do? More spermifically, did it involve pubic hairs from a dood?

    I have definitely had to tame my fair share of dick fur, but that doesn’t bother me too much. I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but it doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as asinine retouching requests. I’m talking about stuff that doesn’t make a blonde cunt hair’s difference, but the client keeps sending the image back until it is EXACTLY how they want it. I’m like, “Look, you’re not going to get booked for that Guess Jeans job just because there’s a fucking extra inch of fence in the background of your picture, ok? You might want to lay off of the H√§agen-Dazs if you’re looking for ways to boost your bookability.” There’s a saying in the trade that goes like this… “You can’t polish a turd!”

Manola: Hmm. We’re all crazy about you, but move over Fanless. How about LAWLESS? An insider from The Fart Deco Preservation Society leaked some confidential information about a cease and desist letter on the usage of GREEN and PINK. It’s also rumored that an attorney-at-flaw wants to fajita-grill your ass for giving his daughter an overdose of javascript that ended in prophylactic seizures. Supp?

    I’m on beer # 2.5. Can I get drnk before answering that?

Manola: Oh nose! Hey, you needn’t go into detail … next question! You are the most elusive, least photographed celebrity hunted by the paparazzi! How do you do it? Personally, I’ve been stalking you every time you’ve ordered an over-priced quesadilla at News Caf√©, but you slide in and out like a tequila-lubricated one-night stand!

    Yeah, ya know… Haters all around, I tell ya. Here’s the thing… I do my thing, and people bitch about it. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with them. And then I’ll stop doing my thing and people start to bitch, saying they’ve got to get theirs too. And I’m like… Pick a lane, Ed! One or the other already! AND THEN people are gonna try to blame ME for their mental issues? HELLO? The shit goes all blinky/shaky/blinding/whatever for a reason! Hell yeah people are gonna trip! That’s the point! People try to shit on me, and I just try to stay on top and keep smiling. Life is like fucking a fat girl… Sometimes it can be easy to lose your focus and forget what you’re aiming for. All you gotta do is roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!

Manola: South Beach wouldn’t be the same without Fanless. What’s next for the Fanless we all adore?

    I lay low out of necessity! It’s actually necessary for me to lay low for 2 reasons… I gotta stay true to what I know, and I can’t be having people trying to steal my flower! And they try too! Everywhere I go, lovely ladies (and sometimes twinks!) be trying to get my attention and that usually leads to them trying to trick me into stanking them. That ain’t what I’m all about, ya know! I ain’t married and what not. Of course, on the flip side I gotta lay low because this is South Beach! If you’re sober enough to keep half an eyelid open you’re gonna see hot chicks! And.. Ya know… I’m a man! A man with a thang! When I see lovely South Beach ladies, my thang tries to get a look too! And I can’t be seen in public with Rusty Johnson standing at attention, know what I’m saying? People will point and stare and some women would straight pass out if they saw that. Trust me, it’s happened before! Police were called and stuff. It’s just easier for me to stay home with my innernets and television and stuff. It’s really best for everyone.

Manola: Dude, what the was that all about?

    Oh, sorry! What’s next? I dunno… Hey, do you have a little sister??

We know you can’t get enough of Fanless. Catch him today at Miami Vegan!

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What are you even thinking??

A fair percentage of our cliental at work consists of zOMG SO HAWT models. Today one such client was at the front counter. Some jackass guy walking down Washington saw her, called the number on our sign, and asked to speak to “the girl in the green shirt and white pants”. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking drnk?? What a dickfur! If you want to talk to some chick, TALK TO HER! Don’t bother/involve us with your macking game! It was kind of awesome because the girl didn’t want anything to do with the guy.
We seriously need our own reality tv show.
On another work related note… Gustavo and Blanca (nobody ever calls her by her name… They always call her “Bianca” or “Maria”. I have no idea why, and she never has the heart to correct them.) are in Guatemala so Andrejko has been filling in. The first day they were gone Andrejko and I both showed up wearing old Lazerland shirts. It was kind of funny. It’s kind of like the boss at Pizza Hut going on vacation, so people show up wearing Rustica shirts.

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The Miami Blogosphere Gathers

Can someone please clue me in as to what in the Tori Anus(.com!) this is all about? (I hope that’s not some s00per sekrit URL that is meant only for me and other members of the elite!)
It sounds like an event that I would be required/expected to wear more than cargo shorts and a t-shirt to. And I probably wouldn’t know anyone there and nobody would know me so I would probably just hang out in the corner, silently judging people while glaring and projecting thoughts of “DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!!!!!zOMG!!” or something.
And since it’s on the beach and like 1 block away I can’t really use my excuse of “I don’t have a car/ride. Sorry!” to get out of it.
I will only show up if Amy promises to go and if I am allowed to wear my Etnies.

Speaking of Etnies… Two of my pictures are on Etnies’ site as part of a photo contest. I hope I win!! I could really use some new kicks.

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Lump lingered last in line for brains…

Chesus Jerist! Why didn’t the innernets let me know that the President of the United States was eating at Joe’s Stone Crabs yesterday?
I hate you guys SO MUCH!!

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For real OH NOSE!!!

So, guess what happened at home while I was at work this morning…
If you see any crackheads running around South Beach with a Dell Latitude in hand, IT’S MINE!!

I can’t wait until they go back for the rest of my cool stuff.

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