« August 2005 | Main | October 2005 »

September 30, 2005

The Shapiro Legacy

Deadspin - Mark Shapiro

He won't be missed. But whomever replaces him will probably be just as bad.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 04:11 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Hawk Harrelson vs. Magic Johnson

Hawk Harrelson
(Defeated Seth Davis 52-9)
(Defeated Steve Lyons 29-9)

The Latest Word:

"Yesterday I actually experienced the horror of listening to him broadcast an entire game first hand (my roommate is huge Twins fan so i got stuck watching the Twins/Sox game). Words cannot even describe my hatred for him now. He is the worst announcer I've ever heard, and is now the person I most want to win this tournament. ONE GAME of him is all it took to get me on the Hawk bandwagon." -- Adam

"I've only heard Harrelson when his calls are occasionally used on SportsCenter. From only around a total of 1 minute worth of audio, I can tell that he's horrible, which is a tremendous feat." -- Mike

"The only reason I am voting in this event is to make sure that Hawk Harrelson wins. Try watching an entire White Sox game on TV. I dare you. As far as I know, it is impossible." -- Bell Curve

"Perhaps someday he can get a gig as the warm-up act for the Stuart Scott / Steven A. (as in Asshole) Smith talkathon. Until then, may his vocal cords develop polyps the size of baseballs... -- Bill H.

"Hawk has a unique ability to take phrases that don't make any sense, gramatically or even contextually, and somehow convince himself that they're worth repeating over and over and over again." -- Eric

"Hawk is so Godawful that I won't even mute the TV and keep watching - I change the channel. Yes, THAT is how horrible he is: Muting is not enough even without closed captioning.

"And oh yeah - Hawk: Could we actually hear the White Sox players' names instead of your pet names for them? Go 'Big Frank' yourself." -- Ed K.

Versus

Magic Johnson
(Defeated Todd Blackledge 31-7)
(Defeated Kevin Kennedy 20-9)

The Latest Word:

"Magic has no business anywhere near a microphone." -- Kirk

"don't really like voting for him because he seems like a good guy, but he ruins a show that's actually very good without him. Plus, I'm sick of him constatly whoring himself out to every legends game or commerical the NBA asks him to do. Dammit Magic, stop with all the 3-ball (or whatever they call it now) All-Star weekend crap; there's a reason that the other "legends" in those games are guys like John Salley. The other ACTUAL great players have too much self respect to do that stuff." -- Adam

"I had a dream the other night that the Emmy finalists for best talk show were Magic and Chevy Chase. . .and Chevy won. Actually, I didn't have that dream, even in an uncounscious state Chase's foray into the late-night talk show wars actually outclassed Magic's." -- 50PoundHead

"Best Line: 'I wouldn't do the Magic Hour again, but I would do TV again. The Magic Hour is not me. Anything I would do, I would have to be me. That is how it would work.' So what exactly was the Magic Hour if it wasn't Magic being Magic?" -- Todd

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:23 AM | Comments (44) | TrackBack

Tim McCarver vs. Terry Bradshaw

Tim McCarver
(Defeated Dan Marino 61-2)
(Defeated Jimmy Johnson 43-10)

The Latest Word:

"So awful that he defies adequate description." -- Mike

"When I was 12 (1992) I wrote a letter to CBS, who had baseball at the time, and asked them to fire McCarver. I told them he was making me have nightmares. Even small children hate McCarver." -- Smitty

"For a moment, after listening to McCarver for 1 1/3 innings, he had me actually debating scouring my house for posssible self-deafening agents. My wife has even taken to removing any wire hangers we had remaining." -- Shockley

"I hate listening to the radio. It's got lamer commercials, poor quality (at least, in my area,) and there's a time delay when matched up with a TV. The static is awful, and I can't sit in my usual TV-watching spot because it causes interference with the radio signal (obviously, I don't have a good stereo yet.)

"When Tim McCarver is on television, I always turn on the radio to find a radio broadcast of the same game, and mute my television. I'd rather listen to Stuart Scott and Skip Bayless call a game. On radio." -- Rob K.

"Every year he takes one of the most beautiful and pure things in sports, playoff baseball, and completely ruins it with his inane commentary and Jeter lovefest. Christ do I hate him." -- Adam

"Oh God...if I have to hear McCarver explain basic baseball strategy as if it were rocket science one more time, I'm going to put a bullet in the TV." -- Bill McCabe

"When I hear that Mr. Rogers voice explaining to me once again that AK-CHOO-A-LEE it's not a Hit and Run, it's AK-CHOO-A-LEE a run and hit, I AK-CHOO-A-LEE go into conniptions like Kramer did whenever Mary Hart came on." -- Bledsoe

"If someone is watching a baseball game for the first time, and McCarver is broadcasting it, they will likely never watch the game again. I'd tell McCarver he was the worst broadcaster in baseball to his face, if only I could get it out of Derek Jeter's lap long enough." -- Chris Rosenberg

Versus

Terry Bradshaw
(Defeated Troy Aikman 43-6)
(Defeated Hubie Brown 29-8)

The Latest Word:

"I want to be able to watch the Fox Pregame show, I really do. I think Howie Long and Jim Brown are excellent and I love Jimmy Johnson (how 'bout them Cowboys!), but Terry Bradshaw is so goddamn stupid, loud, and annoying he actually drives me to watch the ESPN pregame show instead. That's right, he's bad enough that a show starring CHRIS F'N BERMAN looks good in comparison." -- Adam

"He offers no insight and is just loud for the sake of being loud. Whose brilliant idea was it to have him read scores and highlights at the half? The moron is usually three games behind the graphics and the crap coming out of his mouth is as incoherent as anything ever uttered by Shannon Sharpe." -- Mike

"It is no coincidence that his initials can also mean a fatal wasting disease. However, this TB seems to be in his brain, rather than his lungs." -- Jenny

"I am quite certain that he would eat his own feet on-camera if he got air time for doing it. Of course, that would make it hard for him to talk, and he does seem to love the sound of his own voice." -- Deadguy

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:13 AM | Comments (40) | TrackBack

September 28, 2005

Billy Packer vs. Rob Dibble

Billy Packer
(Defeated Jeanne Zelasko 42-23)
(Defeated John Madden 34-7)

The Latest Word:

"Packer's never been any good. He never has anything positive or informative to say and his constant bitching and ACC-loving get annoying really fast. NCAA tournament basketball is a beautiful thing and pretty tough to ruin, but he tries his best." -- Adam

"I'd run him over if he was in my driveway, but I can't imagine it would hurt him. I'd have to drive to Home Depot, buy some fence pickets, and stake him through his black heart if I wanted to finish the job." -- Mike B

"Billy Packer is just gross, blithering, and disgusting. And he never was any better, either. Entertaining? Unless you count the entertainment of shooting Nerf guns at his face on your screen, that's absent as well." -- Jenny

"The man looks like if he ever cracked a smile there'd be an avalanche of flesh that engulfed his entire head. I guess that's why he clings to his ill temper with such tenacity." -- Aznemesis

"The reason everybody think he hates their team is that he does nothing but make negative comments about everything the entire game - their team, the other team, the refs. And when he gets on a point, he won't let it go. IMO, that's much worse than just developing into a caricature." -- James G.

Versus

Rob Dibble

(Defeated Jim Nantz 26-9)
(Defeated John McEnroe 32-21)

The Latest Word:

"Not only is he terrible, but also seems to take pride in the fact that's he a complete asshole." -- Gregg

"I like to imagine him as a crossdresser. He'd be wearing a giant flowery mumuu with an orange fright wig and a lime green headband." -- 50PoundHead

"You usually see guys going from The Worst Show Ever to ESPN. He did the opposite. This is not a good thing." -- Mashmore

"He takes such great pride in being an ex-jock with a badass attitude. You just know that deep down inside, his ego is telling him that he could knock out anybody that is in the booth with him at that time." -- BillH

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:19 AM | Comments (37) | TrackBack

Tony Siragusa vs. Chip Caray

Tony Siragusa
(Defeated Bryant Gumbel 36-21)
(Defeated Howie Long 33-1)

The Latest Word:

"Somehow he managed to parlay "looked like a friendly guy when he was around Ray Lewis all the time" into a broadcasting career." -- Adam

"Siragusa gets this vote though I think he shouldn't qualify as either a broadcaster or an analyst. He does qualify for his own zip code, however." -- Brak

"Siragusa is an uncouth, unamusing, grossly obese slob whose sideline presence serves no discernible purpose; unless, of course, the goal is to mentally agitate and physically disgust viewers. Being fat and idiotic is no way to go through life, especially when foisted on others." -- Keano Giggs

"Siragusa is an embarrassment, not just to broadcasters, but to homo sapiens in general." -- 50PoundHead

"Siragusa just has no right to be on television. He's evidence that to play the line you just need to take up space--but the space between your ears can remain as vacant as you please. Too bad it seems the same is true for sports "commentary" these days." -- Aznemesis

"Siragusa is the epitome of ignorance and sloth. He has absolutely nothing of any use to say to anyone..the only saving grace is that for a 400 lb. man, a heart attack cannot be far away." -- Mike J.

Versus

Chip Caray
(Defeated Don Sutton 40-20)
(Defeated Joe Buck 24-17)

The Latest Word:

"Chip. Son of Skip. Son of Happy Drunk Who Was Fired For Hitting On Gussie Busch's Wife And Resurrected Career As Happy Drunk Cubs Homer. Just so you young punks know the family history. If Chip is son of Skip, what will be the 4th Generation Carey's name? Great-Grandson of Happy Drunk Who Hit On Gussie Busch's Wife.....?" -- G.E.

"Chip has decided that he can analyze as well as do play-by-play. He can't. Despite being around the game for his whole life, he rarely is insightful. If he'd just stick to calling the game and letting his betters do the analysis, he probably wouldn't even be in this contest." -- DougM

"Chip Carey has the intelligence of his grandfather without the charisma." -- Jon

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:11 AM | Comments (32) | TrackBack

September 27, 2005

The Woodman

Deadspin:
Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks: Woody Paige

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:53 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 23)

Harrelson 29, Lyons 9

Nobody likes Steve Lyons, but nobody likes Hawk Harrelson more. An easy win, put it on the board.

Dibble 26, Nantz 9

Rob Dibble reared back and threw a ball at Nantz's head. Well, not really, but figuratively. If he did, could he miss?

I'll have the first two third round matchups tomorrow.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 26, 2005

Results (Games of Sept. 21-22)

McCarver 43, Johnson 10

Johnson actually kept it close for a brief time -- it was tied at 6 -- but there was no stopping the Tim McCarver express.

Caray 24, Buck 17

Third-generation nepotism trumps second-generation nepotism. Much as David Bell is a worse player than Ken Griffey Jr., Chip Caray is a worst announcer than Joe Buck. At least, according to this poll.

Johnson 20, Kennedy 9

People like Magic Johnson. They like him so much, they want him to get off the television because he's awful at it.

Siragusa 33, Long 1

Tony Siragusa is shaping up as a dark horse contender. Maybe it's weak competition, but he's remarkably annoying.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:52 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 23, 2005

Jim Nantz vs. Rob Dibble

Jim Nantz
(Defeated John McEnroe 32-21)

The People Speak:

"No more androids during sporting events, please." -- Kevin Lee

"I've always recognized Jim Nantz as "Pagoda Man" for his ubiquitous role in the 1998 Nagano Olympics of sitting in a fake pagoda studio and attempting to make curling and ice dance look exciting. This is not possible. Especially for Jim Nantz." -- Jenny

"If there ever mass executions in this country, victims will have Jim Nantz' voice pumped into their headphones. It will be so pleasant." -- 50PoundHead

"The thing about Nantz is that he's become everything that he claims he is not: Musburger Jr." -- J. Joe Scott

Versus

Rob Dibble
(Defeated Tim Brando, 33-9)

The People Speak:

"He's better on air than he is in print, but he's largely a jerk wherever." -- TheBentKangaroo

"His stupidity rivals Kruk -- can you imagine the vacuum that would be created if they both opened their mouths at the same time?" -- EY

"Dibble is not only a horrible person, but also a terrible broadcaster. Anyone who seems thrilled to be considered the "John Rocker of his day" needs to be disposed of." -- Mike

"Dibble. I don't know if he's a complete and total idiot, but he sure plays one on television and radio. For a guy who plays as long as he did, he sure doesn't seem to have much insight on the game." -- 50PoundHead

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:00 AM | Comments (37) | TrackBack

Hawk Harrelson vs. Steve Lyons

Hawk Harrelson
(Defeated Seth Davis 52-5)

The People Speak:

"Hawk is so awful, and White Sox games move around so often between a few different stations, that I fear to turn on the TV at all on any given summer night." -- Greg

"I'm a White Sox fan living in Chicago and this guy is the absolute worst broadcaster in the history of baseball." -- Gregg

"He as absolutely the worst announcer to ever walk the face of the earth. He makes Joe Morgan and Chip Carey look like Emmy winners. I can't even bring myself to like the White Sox even a little bit and Hawk is the only reason why. It has nothing to do with the team. And his nicknames for the players are atrocious. He almost never calls a player by his name so you better know the Hawk-given nickname. He just makes my blood boil." -- Zach

"If he and Tim McCarver ever team up to call a game that I am watching, I would probably stick a white hot ice pick into both my ears (or maybe I could just hit the mute button). Harrelson's arrogance is ironic since the White Sox have not won a World Series since the Woodrow Wilson administration and his lifetime batting average was a robust .239 (put that on the board, Hawk)." -- Skip

"Let us all now be grateful that those chuckleheads at ESPN never got the bright idea to lure Hawk away from WGN so they could pair him with Joe Morgan. That would have brought about the heat death of the universe. I may need to crawl under my desk and suck my thumb for awhile just for thinking about it." -- Charles Kuffner

"I already voted. But that was before I realized that Harrelson was the maroon who fires off "He gone!" after every strike out. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS PHRASE AND I WISH ANYONE WHO SAYS IT A PAINFUL, TORTUOUS DEATH AT THE HANDS OF 7 RABID VAMPIRES WHO LOOK LIKE DENNIS KUCINICH (no, not a political statement, he's just ugly). MAY I NEVER HEAR THAT PHRASE AGAIN. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!" -- Jenny

Versus

Steve Lyons
(Defeated Craig Sager 51-16)

The People Speak:

"There can be no doubt that Steve Lyons is part of a plot by al Qaeda to reduce the American public's intelligence to the point that we cannot operate doorknobs. At this he is very effective." -- EY

"Chances are, if it's produced by Fox, broadcast on Fox, and the whole cast of The O.C. is, suprise, at the basball game, the person doing analysis is a moron." -- Todd

"Here is a truly nightmarish thought: a Scooter-like graphic with Steve Lyons' face. Now that would make me shoot awake at night screaming." -- Jenny

"Want to know why Lyons dropped his pants at first base? It's because he's so used to talking out of his ass." -- Aznemesis

"Here's a drinking game. Every time he says the word 'awesome' during a broadcast, have a shot of beer. You'll be hammered by the 4th inning. I also don't understand how someone who played baseball can seemingly know absolutely nothing about it." -- Gregg

"The only time he isn't saying something stupid is when he is saying something really stupid. I have to agree with the poster who outlined the Fox baseball coverage strategy of 'If you don't have anything valuable to say, keep talking. Maybe you'll accidently spit out something clever.'" -- 50PoundHead

"You could hop into a time machine, kidnap a late-Victorian era British dandy and expect more insightful commentary from him." -- Jon

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:45 AM | Comments (40) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 20)

Bradshaw 29, Brown 8

An easy win for Terry Bradshaw in an uninspiring matchup. For what it's worth, "tremendous upside potential" means that you're tall and athletic but can't actually play basketball.

Packer 34, Madden 7

An even easier win for Billy Packer. It's probably Phil Martelli's fault.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:43 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 22, 2005

Tony Siragusa vs. Howie Long (Special all-defensive lineman matchup)

Tony Siragusa
(Defeated Bryant Gumbel 36-21)

The People Speak:

"The single worst announcer on FOX ... and that's saying a lot." -- J. Joe Scott

"Sweet Jesus do I hate Siragusa. He's not even really a sideline reporter, he never actually makes an effort to find something out, he just sits down there and throws in some inane observation or joke (which are never EVER funny) every now and again. He's completely useless. Note to Fox: Just because he played football doesn't mean he knows anything about the game, the ONLY reason he was in the NFL is because he weighed 400 pounds, not because he's an expert on the sport." -- Adam

"Saragusa is doing to actual NFL broadcasts what Stu Scott and similar ilk did to SportsCenter. Replace actual sports with mindnumbing crap." -- Larry

"Siragusa is just another example of how the public can be made to believe that these mindless drips are "cute" and "funny." Tony, and most of the other yokels the networds try to foist upon us for thiks reason, are neither and add nothing to the broadcast except to make one realize that John Madden isn't the dumbest person on earth." -- 50PoundHead

"Those whose physical appearence makes viewers want to vomit should not be on television, especially when they have nothing worth saying." -- HPK

"Siragusa is a gelatinous tub of garbage whose brain appears to be floating in a mixture of Crisco and cooking oil. I can't even begin to think of how many times the "dynamite drop-in, Monty" line from the Major League movies sarcastically comes up after he says something. I would say all of this to his face, because he's yet to meet a 40 yard dash he's actually finished, although the same cannot be said for any postgame spread." -- Mashmore

"I might have voted for him against Skip Bayless. Goose reminds me of every moron I've watched football with in bars in my old neighborhood -- a know-nothing, no-talent clown. Hey, Tony, I'm happy you were able to play the role of "Fat Guy Who Clogs Up the Middle" and get a Super Bowl ring for your trouble -- now go away." -- Mike McGraw

Versus

Howie Long
(Defeated Kenny Smith 32-7)

The People Speak:

"The least bad thing on Fox NFL Sunday is still a bad thing." -- Craig Barker

"Oh, he is so tough. He is so tough because he played for the Ray-dahs. Oh, back when he played there was none of this pussy-footing around. No sir, when Howie played it was a man's league. Bladdy-buh-blah-blah-blah." -- 50PoundHead

"He's everywhere, and I wish he'd be nowhere." -- Mashmore

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:17 AM | Comments (36) | TrackBack

Magic Johnson vs. Kevin Kennedy

Magic Johnson
(Defeated Todd Blackledge 31-7)

The People Speak:

"Magic is an absolutely brilliant businessman. His heavy investments in movie theaters and Starbucks restaurants bring an abundance of products, services and jobs to inner city communities. He is precisely the opposite as a broadcaster." -- G. E.

"Absolutely one of the greatest players of all-time, if I had to pick one player from history to build and team around, he'd be it. But he's terrible on TV. I have no doubt that he knows a lot about basketball, he just has a hard time getting it out. Inside the NBA is exponetially worse when he's on, he kills the dynamic between Charles, Kenny, and Ernie. There isn't that funny give and take of insults because all of them are too in awe and afraid to make fun of him." -- Adam

"Inside the NBA is one of my favorite shows ... except when Magic is on. He pretty much kills the dynamic and makes it more like every other awkward studio analysis show. -- Sharon

Versus

Kevin Kennedy
(Defeated Cris Collinsworth, 27-21)

The People Speak:

"The Mustache takes the vote. It's like a gigantic caterpillar on his lip." -- Ed

"I hate his opinions. They're not necessarily wrong, but I just hate them. He actually seems to make valid points occasionally, but I don't like those points, especially when they involve constant rambling about how good the Yankees have been, are, and will always be, so I'll vote for him despite all that." -- Jenny

"Kennedy is horrible. His stupidity wouldn't be so bad if he didn't act like he's the greatest baseball mind in history." -- Adam

"It's like KK managed his teams to steer them as far from the postseason as possible." -- Mashmore

"I am convinced that Kennedy is going to start calling himself Super Geeeenius sooner or later and meet a bad end in an accident involving a catapault, ball bearings disguised as birdseed, and an Acme man-bat costume. He does seem to have that level of regard for his own opinion, with a preference for notions that are convoluted and occasionally defy the laws of physics." -- Deadguy

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:09 AM | Comments (30) | TrackBack

September 21, 2005

Special all-legacy edition: Joe Buck vs. Chip Caray

Joe Buck
(Defeated Bill Raftery 39-11)

The People Speak:

"He sounds like a detestable, unlikable ass in any and all interviews and talk-show appearances." -- Steve Silver

"Joe Buck has so completely tainted his father's legacy, I can't even consider Jack Buck among the greatest announcers of all-time. I mean if he could produce this abortion of an announcer and actually encourage him to get into the business, it raises serious questions about his judgement and ability to teach in the announcement game." -- Chris

"I would say that he deserves to be partnered with a pile of feces called Tim McCarver, except that we're forced to hear both of them then." -- EY

"I think Buck knows that his partner's a complete moron. Every now and then, I think Joe lets it slip that whatever McCarver just said was stupid. Not in so many words, but you can tell that Buck just glanced at McCarver and rolled his eyes. That's the only saving grace he's got going for him." -- Rob K.

Versus

Chip Caray
(Defeated Don Sutton 40-20)

The People Speak:

"He tries to be like Bob Costas and Harry Caray rolled into one and fails terribly. He over dramatises the situation. I bet when he was a kid a paper cut ment a trip to the ER." -- Smitty

"The way he speaks, he should be doing a top 40 countdown some place instead of broadcasting baseball and pretending like he knows anything about it." -- Greg

"This one was hard, but I'm voting for Chip Caray. He's a relentless, ball-less butt-kisser, he's terrible in a team, and he jumps the gun on every play:

*CRACK* Chip: And Furcal hits a blast to right field! (Brian Giles easily catches the ball 20 feet in front of the wall) Chip: And it's caught by Giles, two away.

or:

*CRACK*
Chip: And there's a double play to short off the bat of LaRoche [okay, subtle dig]! And the Braves really wasted this opportunity.
(Jose Reyes airmails the ball past Kaz Matsui into right field, Francoeur scores)
Chip: And that'll be an error on the shortstop Reyes.

Wait to see what happens, dammit! I HATE IT WHEN ANNOUNCERS DO THAT!" -- Jenny

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (42) | TrackBack

Tim McCarver vs. Jimmy Johnson

Tim McCarver
(Defeated Dan Marino 61-2)

The People Speak:

"I wish he'd do Baltimore Ravens games so Deion could dump more water on him." -- Jay319

"The man actually said after a third baseman barehanded a ball: 'Barehanding is actually a misnomer because you actually use your fingers and palm to grab the ball.....' Tim's career needs to be significantly reevaluated, given that he apparently played the game using hands that lacked palms and fingers." -- Bledsoe

"It's fine for the color commentator to explain the game, that's what they're there for, but dammit explain stuff that everyone watching doesn't already know and do it in a fashion that actually makes sense. Is that too much to ask?" -- Adam

"Timmy: 'Jeter! Jeter! Jeter! Yankees! Yankees! The Red Sox scored a run, but let's talk about why Jeter is a great player! Derek just fielded a ball any shortstop would have gotten, but it shows Jeter's greatness! We're broadcasting the Cubs vs. the Cardinals, but let's spend half an inning talking about the Yankees!'"

"I'm conviced he somehow inspired the invention of the "mute" button." -- KJ Long

"Sometimes I wish Deion Sanders had broken into the chemistry lab for some more desetructive liquids before the infamous bucket dump." -- Varla

"McCarver, for the love of God. How can so many words say so little? I will not say he's the worst thing on FOX, because his verbal diarrhea at least coincides with a baseball game that I can mute and that has value, while nothing else on that station does. But he is the worst thing in sports commentating and no one else except maybe Joe "I Sell My Piss at Sephora" Morgan can match him." -- Jenny

Versus

Jimmy Johnson
(Defeated John Salley 40-27)

"JJ loves to do the screaming in your face thing, and has nothing to say on top of it. I liked him as a coach, but he needs to get off the air." -- TheBentKangaroo

"How is it that Dan Patrick has a hair-product endorsement yet Riles and JJ seem to go begging? Surely, there's a motor oil company that Riley could hook up with, while JJ could get a nice contract with, say, Quik-Crete or Top and Bond." -- Bob

"The only coach in history who could have had helmet decals pressed onto his heavily-lacquered coif and had them stick smoothly." -- 50PoundHead

"He adds absolutely nothing to FOX (not that there is much to work with in the first place) and he's been in charge of more convicts than most corrections officers." -- Mike J.

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:03 AM | Comments (56) | TrackBack

September 20, 2005

Billy Packer vs. John Madden

Billy Packer
(Defeated Jeanne Zelasko 42-23)

The People Speak:

"Packer's incessant whining about everything to do with every game he covers is unbelievable. A remarkably negative announcer." -- Egghead

"Billy Fudge Packer, by far. As a devout ACC hoops fan, I suffer through far more of his work than any sentient being should endure. Listening to him during the Timmy Duncan years, when Wake was back on top, was like listening to the distilled essence of Hawk Harrelson- the word "homer" was coined to describe this jackass." -- Rufino Linares

"I guess he and Vitale hate each other because they have to fight over who gets to kiss the ass of their great ACC Master." -- Aznemesis

"The amazing thing about Billy Packer is that the fans of every team in the ACC are convinced that he hates their team more than any other. Duke fans, UNC fans, NC State fans, Maryland fans, they're all convinced that Packer has it in for them. I ran into FSU basketball fans who told me that Packer loves Duke and UNC and hates FSU. The man played for Wake Forest, but Wake fans think that he's hated them since then. It's the one thing all ACC basketball fans agree on -- Packer hates their team. So, we all hate him back. It's good to know that this dynamic extends to other conferences." -- Jesse

"I am a proud graduate of Wake Forest and am embarrassed that Packer is an alum. I would rather be subjected to Vitale on endless tape loops, on high speed, with Tim McCarver commenting by his side, on extended-play cricket matches, than having to listen to Mr. Packer at all. I love college basketball but I will not listen to the volume on any game in which Billy is a participant. I wanted Phil Martelli to beat the devil's blood out of the slimy SOB during March Madness, 2004." -- Varla

Versus

John Madden
(Defeated Charles Barkley 37-9)

The People Speak:

"He's okay when he both actually talks about football AND stays away from his catch phrases. That is to say, never." -- JoeyT

"Madden and Michaels make me want to pull my hair out." -- Wryn

"Madden has just turned into a sad old announcer living on his past glory." -- Nate

"I used to love his work, but he worked way too hard at becoming a self-parody." -- Herman

Voting is closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:02 AM | Comments (46) | TrackBack

Terry Bradshaw vs. Hubie Brown

Terry Bradshaw
(Defeated Troy Aikman 43-6)

The People Speak:

"He's loud and barely offers any insight. Plus that HORRIBLE continual fluff piece of 10 with Terry. Playstation or xbox. What's better a great movie or a great kiss? Thanks for that insight. You truly suck." -- Todd

"Bradshaw has taken country dumb to a new low. Plus, he sucks." -- Brak

"I just dreamed up a nightmare NFL pre-game show with him and Chris Berman on it." -- Herman

"Would continue talking through eight of the ten biblical plagues, and would interrupt Howie to give his thoughts on locusts and frogs." -- Deadguy

"I used to really like Bradshaw because of his attitude and convictions. But now he just wants to hear himself talk." -- TheBentKangaroo

Versus

Hubie Brown
(Defeated Bob Costas 32-21)

"The more he talks, the dumber he sounds." -- Ed K.

"You're Craig Barker... You look around and you see Hubie Brown. The man is sporting a haircut much like Julius Caesar, post-mortem. You ponder it for a moment and you realize that as the tournament goes on, Hubie has so much more upside, and you vote for the Hall of Famer." -- Craig Barker

Voting is closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:53 AM | Comments (39) | TrackBack

September 19, 2005

Tomorrow

I'll try to have the first second round matchups up by 11 AM ET tomorrow.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:14 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 18, 2005

Results (Games of Sept. 15)

Harrelson 52, Davis 5

People hate Hawk Harrelson. The only people who didn't vote for him are people not familiar with him. There were more null votes than Davis votes, the sort of thing only Skip Bayless' opponents were able to pull off.

Siragusa 36, Gumbel 21

Bryant Gumbel got off to a hot start, but Tony Siragusa might as well have sat on his head after the first few votes, cruising to a comfortable victory.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 17, 2005

The road from LA

ESPN going live with L.A. base - Yahoo! News

I'm sure that this won't be pointlessly pimped on SportsCenter at all.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 14)

Nantz 32, McEnroe 21

What a moment! Jim Nantz beat John McEnroe largely on the strength of a run of votes midway through what was generally a tight race.

Kennedy 27, Collinsworth 21

Another very tight vote, tied halfway through, but Kevin Kennedy put on a spurt to take the lead and the race. Don't worry about him winning, he always finds a way to blow it in the end.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 15, 2005

Tony Siragusa vs. Bryant Gumbel

Tony Siragusa

The Crimes:

Versus

Bryant Gumbel
(Defeated Greg Gumbel, 38-3)

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:31 AM | Comments (58) | TrackBack

Hawk Harrelson vs. Seth Davis

Hawk Harrelson

The Crimes:

Versus

Seth Davis

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:23 AM | Comments (64) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 13)

Johnson 31, Blackledge 7

An easy win for Magic Johnson. Why does a guy with so much money and such a legacy keep putting himself out there on TV when he has to know that he's not good at it?

Long 32, Smith 7

And an easy win for Long, though everyone seemingly agrees that for Fox, he's not that bad.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 14, 2005

Cris Collinsworth vs. Kevin Kennedy

Cris Collinsworth

The Crimes:

Versus

kennedy.jpgKevin Kennedy

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:25 AM | Comments (50) | TrackBack

Jim Nantz vs. John McEnroe

Jim Nantz

The Crimes:

Versus

John McEnroe

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:19 AM | Comments (59) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 12)

Dibble 33, Brando 9

In an uninspiring sort of matchup, Rob Dibble walked away with an easy win. Then another walk, then a hit batsman, then he threw the ball at an usher when the manager came to get him.

Buck 39, Raftery 11

Joe Buck and his peanut head move on after jumping out to a huge early lead and cruising from there. Raftery was able to keep pace when he went into the man-to-man.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

You make the call

Alex and I are feuding about what tournament three should be. I think that it should be a writers tournament, limited to those available on national websites (no local papers; I may fold on papers with national aspirations such as the NYT and WP.) Alex wants to go after athletes.

Alex thinks that sportswriters are boring and athletes are fun to insult. I think that we don't really know about athletes except what the media tells us, while writers are hated for what they do rather than an image of them.

The way I see it, there are four votes you can register here:

1. Do an athletes tournament.
2. Do a sportswriter tournament.
3. Do something else. (Suggestions?)
4. Give it a rest for awhile.

So, what do you think?

Posted by Mac Thomason at 05:45 AM | Comments (50) | TrackBack

September 13, 2005

Magic Johnson vs. Todd Blackledge

Magic Johnson

The Crimes:

Versus

blackledge.jpgTodd Blackledge

Voting is closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:33 AM | Comments (40) | TrackBack

Howie Long vs. Kenny Smith

Note: Smith was chosen before he organized the Hurricane Katrina relief game. We both like him anyway and expect him to lose big.

Howie Long

The Crimes:

Versus

Kenny Smith

The Crimes:

Voting is closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:27 AM | Comments (42) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 9)

Lyons 51, Sager 16

Occasional pantslessness outdoes constant bad jackets as Steve Lyons cruises to victory over Craig Sager. Fox Saturday Baseball may be the Cold Pizza of this tournament.

Johnson 40, Salley 27

It was close for awhile, but in the end Jimmy Johnson and his helmet hair move on. Sorry to lose one of the idiots from The Show That Shall Not Be Named, but they still have Dibble.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 12, 2005

Joe Buck vs. Bill Raftery

Joe Buck

The Crimes:

Versus

Bill Raftery

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:37 AM | Comments (56) | TrackBack

Tim Brando vs. Rob Dibble

Tim Brando

The Crimes:

Versus

Rob Dibble

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:30 AM | Comments (44) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 8)

Caray 40, Sutton 20

Eyebrows trump perm, as Chip Caray doubles up the man who is far too often his broadcast partner. Caray had something blindingly obvious to say about this.

Brown 32, Costas 21

In another matchup largely devoid of vitriol (this never happened when Stephen A. Smith was around) Hubie Brown beat Bob Costas, but largely on the strength of votes of people who like Costas rather than those who hate Brown.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:20 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

September 09, 2005

Jimmy Johnson vs. John Salley

Jimmy Johnson

The Crimes:

Versus

John Salley

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:27 AM | Comments (68) | TrackBack

Craig Sager vs. Steve Lyons

Craig Sager

The Crimes:

Versus

Steve Lyons

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:21 AM | Comments (70) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 7)

Bradshaw 43, Aikman 6

The screaming hillbilly easily handled the bland concussion case, as Terry Bradshaw jumped out to a huge lead on Troy Aikman and never looked back.

Madden 37, Barkley 9

Most people seemed to like both competitors in this matchup (as I suspected) but John Madden a little less.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:06 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 08, 2005

Hubie Brown vs. Bob Costas

Camera Two!  Camera Two!Hubie Brown

The Crimes:

Versus

Bob Costas

The Crimes

Voting closed, results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:49 AM | Comments (60) | TrackBack

Don Sutton vs. Chip Caray (Special All-Braves matchup)

Don Sutton

The Crimes:

Versus

Chip Caray

The Crimes:

Voting closed, results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:42 AM | Comments (61) | TrackBack

Results (Games of Sept. 6)

McCarver 61, Marino 2

As expected, favorite Tim McCarver easily rolled over Dan Marino. Then he rolled over and gave a kiss to Derek Jeter.

Packer 42, Zelasko 23

Billy Packer had a comfortable but not overwhelming victory over Jeanne Zelasko, which didn't stop him from claiming that Zelasko didn't belong in the tournament and that no women should be allowed on TV sports at all.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:32 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 07, 2005

That much?

The Cornell Daily Sun - The Fall of the ESPN Empire

I recorded a normal hour-long SportsCenter and watched it, stopwatch and notepad in hand. I took record of how many of the 60 minutes were spent actually showing highlights. I defined highlights as any game footage, any top plays, any actual sports — no talking, no analyzing, just the visuals. This excludes time well spent on post-game interviews and relevant statistics, and the necessary evil that is the commercial — so I accept that the entire hour will not be used for highlights and highlights alone. But when the credits began rolling, and I added up the blocks of time I had marked as “highlights” I realized my beef was more than legitimate: 37 percent of the show (22 minutes) was used up on commercials, a hefty 48 percent (29 minutes) was budgeted for news and side segments — half of which are garbage — and a measly 15 percent (nine minutes) was appropriated towards actual game footage.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:43 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

One down, 64 to go

ChicagoSports.com - ESPN fires no-show Alberts

Apparently, he called in Saturday, said he wasn't coming to work, saying that he was unhappy with his role. I guess he wanted Herbstreit's role or something. Anyway, no more Trev.

Alex found this one.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

John Madden vs. Charles Barkley

John Madden

The Crimes:

Versus

Charles Barkley

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:07 AM | Comments (50) | TrackBack

Terry Bradshaw vs. Troy Aikman

Terry Bradshaw

The Crimes:

Versus

Troy Aikman

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:02 AM | Comments (49) | TrackBack

September 06, 2005

First Round Game: Billy Packer vs. Jeanne Zelasko

packer.jpgBilly Packer

The Crimes:

Versus

zelasko.jpgJeanne Zelasko

The Crimes:

The Crimes:

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:12 AM | Comments (68) | TrackBack

First Round Game: Tim McCarver vs. Dan Marino

Tim McCarver

The Crimes:

Versus

Dan Marino

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:04 AM | Comments (65) | TrackBack

Play-In Game results

Bryant 38, Greg 3

As expected, big brother Bryant Gumbel easily won over little brother Greg. I'm sure this means something profound, but I don't care.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:57 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 02, 2005

Play-In Game (All Gumbel Edition)

Alex has to have Hubie Brown. So, a play-in game, and we're keeping it in the family...

Bryant Gumbel

The Crimes:

Versus

Greg Gumbel

Voting closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 07:51 PM | Comments (45) | TrackBack

Sequel Time!

Some people wanted to vote for some non-ESPN people -- especially Tim McCarver and Hawk Harrelson. Well, we deliver.

Our "NIT" will be a 32-man tournament featuring some of the more prominent non-ESPN TV sports personalities. Actually, I like a couple of these guys, but here is the field:

McCarver
Harrelson
Joe Buck
Jeannie Zelasko
Kevin Kennedy
Steve Lyons
John Madden (I am not entirely comfortable with including him, but he isn't really an ESPN guy)
Charles Barkley
John McEnroe
John Salley
Magic Johnson
Craig Sager
Tony Siragusa
Don Sutton
Chip Caray
Tim Brando
Troy Aikman
Chris Collinsworth
Bob Costas
Bryant Gumbel
Greg Gumbel
Howie Long
Jimmy Johnson
Rob Dibble
Terry Bradshaw
Billy Packer
Jim Nantz
Bill Raftery
Kenny Smith
Todd Blackledge
Dan Marino
Seth Davis

No particular order. Matchups coming soon, and voting begins Tuesday in what I like to call the Tim McCarver Invitational.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:03 PM | Comments (46) | TrackBack

The final bracket

One last big thank you for Bill.

Download file

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Ladies and Gentlemen, your champion

Scott 85, Bayless 81

It was tight, but Stu Scott is the first winner of the Road From Bristol. I should probably send a congratulatory pipe bomb or something. As for those of you who wonder how the devil himself could lose, I give you this closeup of Stu Scott's mysterious eye:

9263.jpg

We'll have an announcement later today about our next project.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:41 AM | Comments (19) | TrackBack