Tuesday, October 17, 2006, 10:41am
THE AMAZING MORNING-AFTER SYSTEM®
How many times has this happened to you?
You rise from majestic slumber only to discover last night's quarry sharing your sheets. You got her in, got it on, and now you have to get her out. Easier said than done.
Hello. I'm Barney Stinson. If you're like me, you've encountered this problem thousands of times, often several times on the weekend. It's okay to admit it: you're scared of "the talk." Fear no more, friends. I'm proud to introduce Barney Stinson's Amazing Morning-After System® (patent pending).
You've tried it all: cold silence, televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, gentlemen, look no further. In just a few short weeks, and for a few short hundred dollars, I'll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions.
You'll learn such rudimentary gambits as
THE CHALK OUTLINE
WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day. Man up, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System® and Make last night go away forever… today®.
A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.
Watch it. You don't have to like it; you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don't even have to "get up."
Smoke machine. Get one. If you don't see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She'll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?
Let's face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you've already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a "replicanimal." (Set of 20 plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)
The "Fife," aka the "Barney Fife," is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she'll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.