If you lost a slap bet, which would you rather receive?
Help me choose.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006, 11:33am
Time and time again, I find hitting the bars in search of young females simply too effortless…albeit enjoyable. I'm a seasoned fisherman whose use of wit and charm as bait and chum yields more than enough bounty for my hook. Yet, occasionally I feel the need for challenge, for sport. Like a much younger, much more handsome, and much more awesomer Captain Ahab, I find myself consumed by my desire to hunt a more perilous species. Also, I'm not a fictional character. But unlike the hapless Ahab, I have no interest in whales, in any sense of the word. My game of choice? The most dangerous prey of all: the elusive cougar.
A cougar is an attractive, sex-crazed, middle-aged woman, usually found prowling airport bars and smoky pool halls in search of nubile flesh. Look around you: most likely there's one training her eyes on you right now. She's a predator, a vicious carnivore looking to feed before continuing on her ferocious way, and that's the most beautiful part of the majestic cougar: her unflagging desire to move on after a mauling. Clearly, this is an advanced species.
Make no mistake about it: a cougar hunts you. But a seasoned cougar hunter knows how to play this to his advantage. Bagging a cougar is one of the most enjoyable sporting feats a young man can accomplish, but is rife with peril and dangers untold. Below is my overview of the great beast. Use it. Here's to safe and happy cougar hunting.
SOME POPULAR COUGAR DENS
Maddy's Sail Loft, Marblehead, MA
Westcustogo Inn, Yarmouth, ME
Darwin's, Syracuse, NY
Dempsey's, East Meadow, NY
The Fox and Hound, Cleveland, OH
A. Nails: Long, manicured, and often painted fire-engine red. The cougar keeps her nails sharp enough to ensnare her prey. In the bedroom, she uses these claws for enjoyable, yet tissue-scarring, back-scratching.
B. Skin: Cougars are notorious for keeping their pelts soft and inviting. You might believe you're cuddling a cub before realizing you're actually stroking the coat of a ferocious womanimal.
C. Tail: A cougar will use her tail to attract prey, often flaunting it with a perfectly timed cell phone or key drop. She shakes her tail in a cunning fashion to distract you from her wrinkly eyes and thinning hair.
D. Legs: Shapely and attractive, a cougar's legs are one of her most desirable, yet dangerous, weapons. She uses her muscular legs in the bedroom to choke the life out of you, then the next day uses those same glorious limbs to reach the pedals on her minivan as she drives away. It's God's design.
E. Face: A cougar masks her face with makeup and other facial products in an effort to camouflage the ill effects of aging. The eyes, beautiful and hidden under a heavy coat of mascara, dart around the room, scoping her habitat for suitable, unsuspecting fare. The ears twitch with each sound, on alert for the rustling of a leaf or the chuckle of a younger man.