Charles The Technician

Had some problems with the MySQL database, after reinstalling MySQL and re-copying the old database back and forth we finaly got it working.

If you are looking for a webhost that is willing to do tech support and even debug with you at 9pm at night give

http://Xelhosting.com

…some business, and tell them Charles sent ya!

Love,
Charles

PS: Fuck you.

Create an automated banning system for “Bad Bots” that ignore robot.txt saying “Don’t go there” and displays my “Fuckyou.html” page with some customized PHP thrown in there.  Have a hidden link at the top somewhere that the normal user couldn’t see but anyone running a downloader of my website or a spam bot would see.

I’m worried about pre-fetch…
Then create an admin page for myself.

Because…I need to edit a messageboard that I frequent so that it can have an autoban feature based on certain criteria.  I want to use my website as the guinee pig, I’m not that deep into PHP but I have an incredible talent that I can pick up almost anything once I’ve actually worked through it.

When I’m done I’ll release the ban shit under GPL so others can add it to their website and edit it as they please.

Are their any programs you are looking for?  Is their a problem you are looking to fix?

Let me know I’m looking to try some things, just remember I work pretty slow, it’s a spare time thing, but I’m pretty sure I can look into it and if it is possible and not going to be a year long project I might just take it on,

We had a computer come through here that had had a massive operating system failure, 0 chance of repair, especially for the fact it was Windows 98.It’s an older computer, they use it for email, and general internet usage over a DSL line.

So I reinstalled Windows 98 SE in and ran all updates, installed all drivers, installed Mcafee, installed a new DVD/CD-RW drive and the software for it, downloaded firefox 2.0 then went about copying their old favorites / address book / my documents / desktop picture / etc. etc. onto the new system.

Then installed the new USB PCI card he wanted, setup the drivers for all that.

Then I went back and made sure everything worked right.

$200 worth of parts and labor (and Uncle Sam’s work as well) later, it was ready to be picked up. Running better then when they first bought it.

After explaining to the husband “What is Firefox”, and how it’s a better browser then internet explorer (especially over IE 6 (which I installed as well because I’m really a nice guy(GOING FOR 3 LEVELS OF PARENTHETIC YUMMYNESS!!!~))) I was throughly sure I had added another satisfied customer to my crusade against microsoft, even if it’s a passive aggressive crusade that requires no real crusadiness.

NOPE

Husband got home, wife saw the computer flipped out over “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!” then to top it all off they don’t have an ethernet card on their computer but still use DSL, through a USB link. (Did I fail to mention that the USB link requires a driver install?)

SERVER NOT FOUND.

Faster then superman can change underwear she was on the phone, “YOU BROKE MY COMPUTER, I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS, YOU AND YOUR SPAWN ARE DAMNED TO THE 4TH GATE OF HELL BECAUSE ME AND JESUS ARE HOMEGIRLS!!!!…erm boys…well actually he is the homeboy”.

(Remembering the idiots I had to deal with while a tech support rep for AOL back in the 4.0 days…) “So ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

“SERVER NOT FOUND MOZILLA FIREFOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Dawning on me that they don’t have a connection to the internet I faintly remember them not having an ethernet card and me using a USB / Ethernet adapter to put them on our network up here) “Ma’am, who is your internet provider?”

(Her beginning to calm down, realizing that I’m making an attempt to help…) “[Insert Company name here], we have DSL.”

So I have her go into DOS so I can get them to run IPCONFIG and sure enough, no IP address on the one adapter listed (left over from me on the USB / Ethernet adapter).

“Ma,am, does your DSL connect via USB into your computer?”

[truncate the obvious]

about 15 minutes of explanation later on how they are going to require the disk that came with their DSL modem so they can install the drivers for Windows 98, they hang up and call their internet provider.

I have to say a quick prayer to the tech support god in the sky (despite the fact he was outsourced to India and only replies in scripts) that he will help them out and that the guy they talk to will not suffer the same levels of idiocy I did.

They sent a technician out to their house and installed the drivers but the technician called me for some pointers about windows 98, more specifically where I copied the Win 98 SE disk too on their HD, and why his setup software was locking up on their system (bad software, manually loading the drivers worked).

After all this, the husband gets on the phone and asks “So firefox wasn’t the problem?” (Wife screams unintelligibly in the background).

Reason you are an idiot:

1.) You just spent $200 on a windows 98 computer after I advised you, it would be wiser to invest in a newer computer.
2.) You are using windows 98…duh.
3.) You didn’t take my advise and spend $10 on the Ethernet Card I talked with you about.
4.) You still subscribe to the pre-pubescent idea that screaming gets your point across.
5.) You didn’t get the point when I asked you twice what you were saying because I “couldn’t hear you, please speak up”, after you did start screaming.
6.) You came in this store DAILY when the computer was here (even though we plainly told you it would take 3-4 days, any longer and we would call you, and that we would call you when we were done) to see if we were done yet…
7.) …which wouldn’t be that bad if you weren’t driving a full size 1986 pickup truck loaded down with $3000 dollars worth of tools from your home which is 30 miles away.

Fuck you,
Charles~

I’m going to be switching to all out Linux system here in the next couple of days.

What brought about this whole idea for change?  I’ve decided to quit playing World of Warcraft.  That’s right the only reason I’ve left a windows install on my personal computer is because I couldn’t get away from DirectX without paying extra $$.

I’ve been dual booting Fedora Core and Windows XP for the last year and was thinking of simply making the change over into (K)ubuntu  (I’m not sure weather I like gnome or KDE better, I’m told KDE is raped in Fedora Core though)

So if you don’t hear from me in the next couple days you know why, I’m to busy having fun with my new toys.

I just spent about 2 hours recoding wordpress and some of it’s attributes for picture alignments. Also loved the fact that the tool who made this template added the VALID XHTML 1.1 link but had all kinds of screwy invalid XHTML attributes like allign=”right” bottom=”0″ etc.

Wordpress also fucks this up by adding align=”blah” to picture alignment instead of stuff like style=”float:right”.

I added javascript that looked at the rel tag in hyperlinks to look for rel=”external” so I don’t have to use target=”_blank” to make a link pop up in a new window (w3c doesn’t like target =”_blank” apparantly. But wordpress uses it.)

I’m working on a wordpress hack to add rel=”external” to the link editer in wordpress so my sidebar links will open up in new windows.

If you know of one let me know, no sense in reinventing the wheel.

All and all I learned a few things, like how to add space between your pictures and your text using the style attribute. margins, who knew?.
style=”float:right; margin-left:10px”

Nice little night of learning, googling, and hacking up wordpress.

Edit: Also removed the rel=”nofollow” bullshit. Sorry “nofollow” was something stupid google came up with, I tend to deitize google but that was a stupid idea guys.

Love,
Charles~

PS:

That’s right bitches~

Everynow and again we will get a customer who will simply come in here and order a power supply and we won’t ever hear from them again. I tend to enjoy these customers because, well I don’t have to do anything about them.

However we had a lady (term used in a liberal fashion of course) come into the store that we had seen about a month ago, seems she had purchased 5 seperate power supplies in the last couple of months, first one from us, and last 4 from seperate companies. She has one of those power supplies which are proprietary (Fuck you Gateway), and non-standard (pretty much like Internet Explorer).

When I hooked up a working standard ATX power supply to her computer’s motherboard without mounting it I noticed all the tell-tale signs of a dead motherboard. Namely that once it’s parts warmed up it smelt like burnt plastic, and the fact it wouldn’t startup at all even with a manual jumper placed on the power switch dip terminals.

Soon as she saw it wouldn’t power up she went hysterical, “it started up prior to you guys touching it, you guys broke it, blah blah blah”.

Ok, so let me get this straight, your computer was working just nice and peachy prior to you bringing it to us, and you have had 4 seperate people (none of which were trained to do anything more then flip burgers or play solitare at the local community colleges tech department.) and because it was all working nice and peachy you decided to take out your power supply and come on down and let me touch your computer?

BULLSHIT

So I said, “Fine, do you have your original power supply with you so I can look at what it would take to get a part ordered?”

She runs out to her car and brings me back the piece of shit that started all this in the first place. I was greeted with the sure smell of burnt electronics and a nice little switch which read “220″. Now for the people just joining us here in the US…we run on 110 Voltage in our electrical plugs. Those in other countries that suck, like france…they run on 220 Voltage. That switch changes the paths in the power supply so that it can send the correct voltage and amps to the computer reguardless of the source coming through. But when you plug it in with the wrong setting, chances are you just fucked over your computer.

Apparantly the technician from the school thought it would be a good idea to put it on 220 voltage and hook it up…ya know…to see if it made any difference.

After all this was out in the open she still had the gall to say “Well it was working fine yesterday.”

Reasons you are an idiot:

1.) You trust “the kid down the street” to fix your computer but think a trained professional doesn’t know what he is doing.

2.) You almost got a refund on that original power supply since you purchased it a month ago but alas, up till yesterday “it was working fine.”

3.) You nor the people you trust know the difference between european and american standard voltage and that the switch on the back means just that.

4.) You most likely actually have your self delusioned enough to believe that the nice kid down the street didn’t fuck up your computer worse then just a failed power supply.

5.) You probably take your car to the mechanic and when he agree’s with you that it’s fucked up you blame him and claim “it was fine yesterday!” even though you had to have your car towed to his place.

Fuck you,
Charles~

I don’t typically go into politics, religion or any thing else on here, though I’ve been itching to just destroy a few people over these very topics.

Maybe it was from reading the Rage of Xalpharris (link), maybe it was from reading the fucked up mommy blog (link) earlier but this shit just pisses me off.

Over medication and the lack of responsibility of parents.

If you are reading the mommy blog I linked above you will hear about the child we are told has ODD (Link)

Let me break this entire link above down for you…

Bad parents cause their child to misbehave.

No one knows for certain. The usual pattern is for problems to begin between ages 1-3. If you think about it, a lot of these behaviors are normal at age 2, but in this disorder they never go away. It does run in families. If a parent is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law, their children are almost three times as likely to have ODD. That is, 18% of children will have ODD if the parents are alcoholic and the father has been in trouble with the law.

Basically: If the parent(s) is/are trash, the child will turn out to be trash as well. How thought provoking…

Click here and read those examples of those 3 children. “Time outs”, “10 cents removed from your allowance”, then “parents worry”.

Let’s get something straight right away. These children need to be spanked. Repeatedly. And when they cry spank them some more. If they back talk, backhand them. If they slam doors, slam them.

If an adult acted like these children did what would happen? They would be fired, they would be locked in prison, they would get their asses kicked.

1.) I never recieved an allowance in my life.

2.) I was spanked, beat, back handed, and I actually turned out really well for a child raised in middle class America by a coal miner and a lunch lady who got Hepatitus C then divorced my dad when I was 12 and left me with my dad.

3.) I was given one chance to eat what was given to me and if I didn’t eat I went to bed hungry, no snacks, no nothing.

I was later diagnosed with ADHD, and I was one of the most calm of all the kids in school. Seriously people thought I was the next Buddah or something.

When I was home though I tested my parants and was put in my place, face down on the floor, after being back handed by my father for saying bad things about my mother. Hell would freeze over before I would tell that bitch what I thought about her while living under that roof.

When I was at school and I didn’t turn in homework for a week, I was spanked by my teacher then spanked when I got home. You better fucking believe I turned in my homework for the rest of the year.

When I got in a fight and beat the shit out of the kid that was paid by another kid to come after me, damn straight those kids didn’t come after me again.

Violence doesn’t solve everything, but it sure does take care of alot of bad attitudes.

If you do not spank your kids you are hurting them more then any spanking ever would. Some say it teaches violence, if you believe this then unplug your T.V. and home school your children, because otherwise SOMETHING is going to teach them violence. Spankings teach that there are consequences, and that those consequences are going to hurt, and you need to fear those consequences.

“Time out’s” teach that when you do something wrong you get to go be bored for 10 minutes, it teaches that there are no REAL consequences but simply annoyances.

Allowances teach us that the government owe’s us something just for living. Here’s a fucking clue…the world don’t owe you shit, I don’t care what any bleeding heart democrat says go get a fucking Job. If you are down on your luck that is what FAMILY is for. Can’t get help from a family member then go talk to your local church…believe it or not Christians do have this thing about helping the poor, but being anonymous on welfare and foodstamps takes care of that since you don’t have to experience the humility of asking for help, also you don’t have to be a Christian to get help from a church group. You might have to endure a talk about Jesus, but they will still help you, most will prepare meals for you and your family.

Taking 10 cents from something you don’t even owe your child is fucking stupid, even if they are doing chores. They want something? They need to ask for it, then say why they want it, this teaches children how to make a rational decision, it also teaches them that the fucking bills get paid because of you, washing some dishes and expecting money is nothing compared to the food // housing // clothes you already provide. If they want some cool toy and it is the latest fad and all the other kids have it, and they can’t come up with a good reason why they should have it too by the time the fad is over then I guess they don’t deserve to have one. This teaches them negotiating skills, and how to come up with a convincing argument.

Some of you are going to reply thinking I am a monster for wanting to spank my children. The fact is I don’t want to have to spank my children, but I also don’t want them becoming degenerate free-loading punk-ass brats.

The whole concept of diagnosing children with these “diseases” really became prevelent around the time spanking started becoming more and more taboo.

If these actual “diseases” (ADD ADHD ODD PMS) actually exist here is a fucking clue for the rest of you. Prior to when these became medicated your ancestors had to deal with them. They dealt with them and they learned how to cope, how to integrate into socieity or they failed. By medicating and making exceptions for people with these “diseases” you are delaying one hard truth. That they can’t act like this and function in socieity and be succesful. So burst the bubble early before they actually believe they can act like they want to and get away with it. And you women that still think you can be a bitch and blame it on your discomfort here is a cold hard fact, other people are hurting too, other people are hurting because it is illegal to kill you, we aren’t acting like total depraved dumbasses because of it nor do we blame our bitchiness on you, we take responsibility for it.

Discomfort ≠ privalage to be a fucktard.

Go spank your child…now!

Because if you haven’t caught them doing something yet, they probably got away with doing something earlier. And tell them Charles sent you.
Love,
Charles~

PS: I don’t have any children, but I was spanked, and I do thank my father and God daily for not being a complete and utter worthless pieces of shit like what I see daily whom would have turned out just fine had they been raised right, and by raised right I mean beat senseless.

Does your company have any “legal” disclaimers attached to any and all emails that go out from your company? If so, then your entire company, organization, or whatever the fuck, is incompetent.

This e-mail and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the named recipients only. If you have received this e-mail in error do not open or copy it but return it to us. We cannot accept liability for any loss or damage sustained as a result of software viruses.

The virus part I can understand, it happends…but if someone feels the need to say “If we sent this to you and it’s not actually you, please don’t let everyone know how big a fuckwit we are” then obviously it’s happened before as well.

Meaning someone from that company has sent oh…credit card reciepts, confirmations of orders of say my 120 DVD porn collection I just ordered from them complete with “Idiots, dragged off the street and forced to take it up the ass” and just about anything else that should be kept private but wasn’t because that company fucked up.

I don’t know about you but if I suddenly was forwarded all of Rachel’s pictures from Kodak including the one’s she should have taken with her digital camera and let no one else see…I would make a freaking website over it. Fuck any “oops we fucked up, please don’t let anyone know” disclaimer that has 0 legal binding authority whatsoever.

If I sent you an email that said “If you are not John Q AssClown III, you are only allowed to read every 3rd word on every 2nd sentence, and if you read any more then that you agree to pay me $1 per word read in violation of this contract” it would be me forcing you into a contract against your will, which is illegal in and of itself. It’s fucking stupid to think that by putting some blurb at the bottom after you’ve done something that you finally read that it can bind you in any way.

So if your company has ever fucked up like that, or if they think they MAY fuck up like that and put a disclaimer at the bottom of the email, fuck you I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Love,
Charles~

PS: Anyone that sends me email, you agree to the terms and conditions set forth for hatemail and my official email receipt policy

This job has it’s pattarns, typically if I get one modem problem in the shop, I can expect to have 5 following right behind it, lighting storm?…expect to have to replace 4 or 5 power supplies and/or motherboards.

So when I get behind because of extracarricular activities like dealing with internet companies, hotels griping, and other large projects, and stuff that just isn’t the daily thing I’ll have a couple of days where it seems like not a computer leaves this store, then on the 3rd day or so I spit out 4 to 5 computers.

This scares the ever living fuck out of the accountant because she is so used to seeing technicians that do work to the standard of the government then expecting it back in the shop within 3 days.

So far I’ve had 2 real returns, one because the customer asked for work and after I did it, it wasn’t what they were wanting but was what they asked for. Other was a virus / spyware removal and some very nasty custom virii that their nephew had left in a “Do not execute” folder and low and behold…they executed it.

I’ve had other returns that were just PEBKAC, like a fresh windows install on a new hard drive and in a drunken stupor the owner seeing that he still has all of his old emails on outlook after an overnight download. “It’s not a fresh install!!!all my old shit is on there.” and one I was really to blame for, like leaving a boot disk we use in the CD-tray and it not booting to windows for the user so they flipped out instead of removing the CD even though it says very plainly “Booting from CD”, then gives you the options to boot from the “C” drive or to continue.
I’ve had about 120 computers in this shop since I started working here back in May, I may not be batting 1000 but I feel damn confident in my level of success.

So tonight I’m doing it again, I’m wide awake and I’m working after hours and pushing out 5 computers before going to sleep.

Have a nice fucking [night],
Charles~

My policy against comment spammers…

Instead of seeing my website anyone on your class C (might be upgraded to Class B network if you are that nasty) will be redirected to: my nice message of love and sweet cuddly bunnies

I’ve recently been bombarded by an idiot who didn’t get the hint the first time, so I made an even better redirect page for them included with a nasty little javascript silent virus download attached with it. They’ve been using the same IP address for a few days now so I figured it would be safe to just redirect that specific IP there then in a week take that extra redirect down. It’s essentially the same as the link I showed you but with a little extra butterflies.

For those that run apache and want to redirect specific spammers to different websites here you go…(This assumes you are blocking someone from 192.168.0.*)
Add this to your .htaccess file

RewriteCond %{REMOTE_ADDR} ^192\.168\.0\.
RewriteRule !^\fuckyou*$ fuckyou.html [R=301,L]

(Edit: Reroutes all traffic from that IP or IP range that isn’t going to fuckyou.html to fuckyou.html, if you name your redirect page you_guys_suck.html then the first part needs to say the same thing otherwise it will create an infinite loop cycle that won’t actually redirect and make sure any pictures you have in there that are on your site are named the same as the html page but with an extra something like fuckyou23.jpg, so they aren’t redirected to fuckyou.html either.)
FUCK YOU, (New record of the word fuck in a post…7)
Charles~