December 8, 2006
Buzz and I want to give away bottles of Wild Turkey 101 proof (50% alcohol) to the homeless people down on Lower Wacker Drive. We are having a hard time figuring out how to safely give the gift that we know that these men and women really want without getting arrested or sued. We want it to be like a cross between the Chris Zorich Foundation frozen turkey give-away and the WKRP “Turkey Drop” episode. Of course, we’d like to get plenty of TV and newspaper coverage too.
We have considered handing out fifths of Wild Turkey in Christmas stockings. How festive would that be? Then we thought maybe a pint and a blanket or something more useful to make us seem like do-gooders. I keep coming back to the overwhelming thought that if I were braving the winter cold along with my alcoholism on Lower Wacker Drive, I would want a nice big bottle of booze. Hey, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I know what those folks want. It ain’t counseling.
Maybe we should give them frozen turkeys Zorich style and fill the turkey carcasses with the Wild Turkey Bourbon. Then they would be gobbler goblets. I’m afraid that an inebriated homeless dude might at best hurl the frozen bird off of an overpass, and at worst, try to violate it sexually. That’s a lawsuit. Plus, they’d all be walking around with those turkey necks sticking out of theirpants. That’s my Thanksgiving bit they’re stealing. It’s quite funny, but if that thing freezes, it could be bad.
We could give out Buzz Kilman turkey sandwiches. He makes one for himself every day. They look tasty. Maybe a couple of airline sized bottles in a box along with the sandwich. You know, just a little something to wash it down with. Maybe some chips and a toy too. Like a little flashlight or something. A politically incorrect Happy Meal on crack. Maybe I’ll just go down there and hand out some cash. Hell, they know where to get what they need. Buzz and I will end up on the cover of Street Wise!