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Queen of Mean

Insult comic Lisa Lampanelli on black men, Donald Trump’s penis, and why soccer moms suck. Literally.

For the better part of a decade Lisa Lampanelli, comedy’s undisputed queen of mean, has been making audiences laugh the old-fashioned way: by making fun of them. Blacks, Jews, Latinos, gays, white men with small members, uptight soccer moms, the elderly—no minority is free from her crass, refreshingly non-PC lashings. But don’t call her a racist. Lampanelli, who recently gained notoriety for her relentless stomping of Pamela Anderson (not to mention Tommy Lee and Courtney Love) at the recent Comedy Central roast of the Stacked star, is an equal-opportunity insult artist. Radar Online caught up with the self-proclaimed “chubby white bitch” as she was prepping for a headlining run at the New York Comedy Festival and a tour in support of her first CD/DVD, Take It Like a Man.

RADAR ONLINE: You started your comedy career in New York in the early ’90s. How does it feel to be coming back here? Is it a sort of homecoming?

LISA LAMPANELLI: Snobby comics who think they’re smart like to say that New York audiences are the best in the world, because New York’s got so much more “culture.” But it’s bullshit, because every audience is the best audience in the world if they’re there to see you. There are dummies in every city I’ve played, and smart people as well.

Sex seems to be a prevalent theme in your act. How’s your love life?

Actually, my black boyfriend Darryl dumped me a month ago, because I was away too much. I travel 50 weeks a year doing comedy. I guess you can’t expect a guy to just sit around. So now it’s just me and my farm [she recently purchased a getaway in Connecticut] and no fucking black guy for protection.

So the references in your act to your fondness for “banging black men” are based on experience?

Hell, yes! About five years ago I broke up with my last white boyfriend. I took a year off from dating, and my eyes opened up. As a chubby white girl, I realized that I could either get Jared from Subway or LL Cool J. But now it’s hard to get the really fine black guys, because the skinny broads and Asian girls have started stealing them from us, which I resent. These blacks gotta learn to stick with their roots, and that’s us fat white chicks. But after I dated my first black I realized that the old saying is absolutely true.

About not going back? So does that mean your preference is based on the age-old myth about endowment?

Oh no, honey. Blacks like to say they’re well-hung, but that stereotype is not 100 percent accurate. On the other hand, you’ll never find a black who’s as poorly hung as a Jew or a chink. It’s just a different scale altogether.

I see. My size survey of the races is incomplete, but I can tell you that not all Jewish men are as poorly endowed as your comedy would suggest. I’m just saying.

A Jewish friend of mine said the same thing. But that sounds like overcompensation to me. I think the men who earn the most money have the smallest penises. Look at Donald Trump. $2.6 billion! Come on, he’s got to have a small one. Just get the enlargement surgery already, Donald, and end the discussion.

But you haven’t confirmed your thesis about Mr. Trump’s manhood, have you?

No, but I wish I had. He’d be the type who would leave, like, 10 grand on the nightstand if you banged him, and that would be hot.

The Pamela Anderson roast on Comedy Central this past summer rocketed you to the next level, whatever that means. What was the best joke you did that night?

The one that got quoted on CNN was this one: “Pam Anderson has dated Scott Baio, the singer from Poison, and the drummer from Mötley Crüe. VH1 should do a show on her life called I Fucked the ’80s.” But I wasn’t that mean to Pam. It’s very hard, when you look like me, to attack a woman that beautiful.

You also gave it to Jimmy Kimmel pretty good that night, as I recall.

Yes, I said his show was so bad that Hitler amused more people, and he did it without using Jewish writers.

And at one point during the roast Courtney Love kissed you, didn’t she?

Yeah. It was weird. I tasted like crack and cheap hooker for five days. I was shocked. She grabbed me and just planted one. Of all the broads to make out with me! I’m not against a dyke encounter, but I always figured I’d be the ugly one if I had a lesbian experience. I would rather have Bea Arthur sit on my face.

Who wouldn’t? Did Ms. Love at least call you the next day?

Ha. Actually, she offered to get me into her band. She’s such a drunken…well, whatever she was. Then I found out she made that offer to, like, 80 people that day. I was so hurt. I felt betrayed. She also grabbed my ex-boyfriend’s junk. She had her hand on his johnson for, like, 20 minutes.

I guess that’s how they roll in Los Angeles. You don’t do much political humor. Why not?

I can’t stand politics. I don’t read the paper, I don’t watch the news, I don’t know who the fucking secretary of whatever is. It just gets me depressed. Two things concern me: comedy and flirting with black guys. That’s it.

So you’re probably not that well versed in the Karl Rove situation?

Is he black?

Not as far as I can tell.

Then I don’t know him. If he’s not black and hot, I don’t need to know him.

You do a lot of jokes about homosexuals. Do you have a stance on gay marriage?

I love the fags. Fags and fat chicks go together. I think it’s ridiculous to make a stink about it. Let them get married. Why should they not have to suffer the way we straight people do? Let them see what it’s like to be stuck with the same jerk who gets fat and can’t get a hard-on. Good luck, faggots!

If one listens to your act one realizes that, for all the racial ribbing you do, you actually love people and you’re really making fun of racism. Is it possible that the queen of mean actually has a heart of gold?

I always count on the audience to be smart enough to realize that, “Wow, she’s really making fun of these racists and how ridiculous they sound.” If I am misunderstood, and there’s a Klan member in the audience, then that’s on them. You can’t control why people laugh. As long as you do it with a good heart and good intentions, you’re fine.

Do you ever get heckled?

Nah, most people are too scared to heckle me.

What group, ethnic or otherwise, annoys you the most right now?

Soccer mom types. Not all of them, but for a lot of white women it seems like when they have kids their ability to think drops out of their cunts. Suddenly everything is seen through that filter of motherhood. I have to censor myself on the radio because your little ugly tyke is in the car with you? I take offense at those bitches who were sucking cock at frat parties five years ago but now that they’re mothers we have to pretend they’re pure. Come on, ladies!

I understand a major network is interested in producing a sitcom about a character called Lisa Lampanelli and her black boyfriend who move back in with her Italian parents in Connecticut. Sounds like a new millennium All in the Family.

Yes, isn’t that wild? It’s tentatively titled Big Loud Lisa. I just can’t believe that I’m sitting here with a fucking network deal, the way my mouth runs. It shows that people can see heart past words, and that’s what my whole act is.

Well, you’re blowing up.

I hope so, son.

Take It Like a Man is available in stores everywhere. For tour dates and other information, visit www.insultcomic.com.

Photo: Lisa Lampanelli

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