It has come to our attention that left-leaning bloggers use more naughty words than wingnut bloggers. This is just the latest evidence that liberals are incivil and unserious, and it explains why everyone who counts should continue to ignore them, and focus instead on writing more love notes to right-wing psychopaths. Because that’s what happens when somebody cusses.

“What is this ‘incivility’?” you may be asking. ‘Incivility’ is using a naughty word. Now, you might think that you could simply excise the naughty word and be done with it, but no, that’s not how civility works. You see, naughty words are so frightfully uncivil that they make the Baby Deborah Howell cry, and, once used, infect all the words around them with shocking uncouthness, so that the only way to truly make your writing presentable to decent society is to erase everything completely and start over.

“Oh dear!” you exclaim in alarm, bringing your lacey hankie to your dainty, newly-innocent lips. “Now that all my naughty words are gone, whatever shall I say?” There, there, my flower. There is nothing to fear! Your Editors have taken the time to carefully analyze very civil and respectable bloggers and pundits, and have put together a list of what you should say in place of those horrible, swear-cootie infested things we erased. Exactly what you should say depends on the exact nature of your previous incivility, as illustrated in this handy-dandy chart.

Incivil/Unserious Civil/Serious
“f*ck” Suggest that Arab countries, being too primative for democracy, should be reduced to rubble.
“sh*t” Imply that the media is working with al Qaeda.
“w*nk*r” Wonder if the Clintons were involved in the murder of Princess Diana.
“d*mn” State that we are at war with France.
“*ssh*l*” Invent a quote from Abraham Lincoln saying that Congressmen who disagree with the President should be executed.
“d*ck” Congratulate people for recognizing that the ethnic cleansing of Muslims is inevitable.
“c*nt”/”c*ck” Point out that Arab Muslims are bloodthirsty savages.
“b*tch” Suggest that the government should begin murdering foreign scientists and religious leaders.
“b*st*rd” Threaten to start a civil war.
“p**p” Accuse your opponents of being allied with terrorists based on the names of the pets of obscure comedians.
“p**-p**” Suggest that our current difficulties could be solved by putting people in concentration camps.
“b*tt” Advocate poisoning a member of the Supreme Court.
“b*m-b*m” Point out the obviousness of the fact that your political opponents work to help kill American troops.
“b**b**” Suggest that the only thing a baby-murdering terrorist did wrong was not kill more journalists.
“cr*p” Call someone you don’t like an “illiterature”, a moron, a liar, a douche, the uberdouche, the biggest douche in the blogosphere, the Babe Ruth/Bill Gates of douches, Joe McCarthy, befuddled and/or manipulative, more than a bit of a fascist, intellectually and morally bankrupt, an absolute disgrace, gay and therefore insane, and a terrorist lover.

So for example, this regrettable, offensive, and profoundly unserious criticism of my betters in the professional media

If you want to discourage those mean nasty quaint-British-insult-hurling liberals from saying all these frightfully uncouth things about what a bunch of craven lickspittles you are, either 1) remain firmly and resolutely craven, and refuse on principle to remove your lips from the nourishing asshole of the GOP establishment, or 2) don’t be a bunch of craven lickspittles in the first place, a path also known as “doing your god damned job already”. But, craven lickspittle wankers as you are, you cannot but carve out a Third Way: sucking up to whoever smacks you last and/or hardest. The message you send with this - about who you are, about what you value, about what kinds of encouragment you respond to - could not be clearer.

… becomes, using the civilizing substitution above:

When Abe Lincoln proclaimed, on that sanctified battleground in Gettysberg where loyal Confederate troops had held off mecha-Napoleon’s invasion force of disloyal Congressmen (while the Union soldiers were off sipping Chardonney in Mecca), that “seven score and four years from now, Hitlery Clinton will organize the murder of Princess Diana because she has a lesbo crush on her,” few people alive at the time understood that statement’s full import. But now, halfway through our second century of uninterrupted all-out war with the French, I think we may be starting to appreciate how very right he was.

Actually, even if you don’t use bad words, it’s still a good idea to follow the suggestions in this style guide. Also, I think it is very civil and serious to slobber all over that gangrenous Crazy Straw that Joe Klein calls his “penis”, but I’m not 100% sure on that one.

UPDATE: It totally is!

UPDATE II: I found this old post of mine, which made me smile, but I couldn’t manage to work it into the post proper, as it really has nothing to do with anything, except that it is uncivil. But it seems to fit fine in this update.