Money trouble Money's one of the main causes of conflict in relationships. Living on the breadline is bound to cause tension - but, says relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall often the biggest problems aren't down to a lack of cash, but how to spend what you have.

In this article

Attitudes towards money Negotiating the money minefield

Money and value Money and influence

Seeking help

People's attitudes towards money vary enormously and are largely influenced by the values they were brought up with and, to a certain extent, how much money they have now.

Assuming there's enough money to keep a roof over your head and buy basic food stuffs, what you do with the rest of your money will depend on your particular attitude. The following three statements broadly sum up the most common attitudes to money in today's western culture:

1. Money is for enjoying - money is for spending on the things that make you happy. No one knows what the future may hold, so you should enjoy what you have when you have it. Money's no use when you're dead, so live for today.

2. Money is for security - money should be spent on making life comfortable. Once you have the basic home comforts, it's important to have money put aside for a rainy day. No one knows what the future may hold, so it's sensible to be prepared.

3. Money is for sharing - money should be shared generously with those you love and those less fortunate than yourself. Buying presents, entertaining others and giving money to charity creates feelings in yourself and others that are priceless. No one knows what the future may hold, and some day you may need the favour returned.

If you and your partner have the same attitude towards money, the only thing you need to agree on is who's going to manage the income and expenditure. (To see if you share the same attitude, see Your financial agreement.)

If your attitudes are quite different, you'll need to agree on some basic budget priorities, such as how much money you'll spend on household essentials and bills, how much on leisure and entertainment, and how much you'll save. For help with this, see Creating a monthly budget.

However, if you find that no matter how hard you try to sort out your money differences you still end up arguing, perhaps money isn't the issue at all.

Money can't buy you love

If you're financially challenged, try some of these low-budget romantic tips:

• Buy a cheap bottle of bubble bath and share a sud-tub.
• Spend an evening dancing to your favourite songs.
• Drag the duvet on to the sofa, close the curtains and snuggle up in front of your favourite movie.
• Cook a meal for two and share it bistro-style, complete with candles, freshly picked flowers and a bottle of cheap vino!

Arguments about money often mask more deep-rooted problems, such as an individual's sense of value or power within the relationship.

We all need to feel valued as human beings, but there are times when the way in which our partner spends money can make us feel worthless.

• always spend more money on themselves or friends than on you
• complain regularly about how much money you spend on yourself
• fail to check if you're all right for money before spending their spare cash
• question you on every penny you spend

The most successful relationships tend to be those in which the partners feel they have equal influence. Arguing about money may indicate that one of you feels the other has an unfair advantage. You may feel this way if, for example, your partner:

• contributes significantly more than you to the financial running of the household
• expects you to account for every penny you've spent but is secretive about their own spending
• uses their extra earnings on things you can't share in any way
• constantly buys you extravagant gifts and treats, which leave you feeling indebted

If any of this rings a bell for you, find some time when you and your partner can sit down and talk about it.

If you find you're just slipping back into the same old pattern of arguments, you might want to consider talking it through with a third person. To find out more, see Do you need counselling?