The Young Ones - Bambi

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer.

Additional material by Alexei Sayle


Broadcast on the BBC on Tuesday 8 May 1984

Cast [in order of appearance]

Neil Nigel Planer
Rick  Rik Mayall
Vyvyan 
Mike Christopher Ryan
Dr. Carlyle Robbie Coltrane
Janet, his maid Tamsin Heatley
Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News  Tony Robinson
Train Driver Alexei Sayle
Lord Monty Hugh Laurie
Lord Snot Stephen Fry
Kendal Mintcake  Ben Elton
Miss Money-Sterling Emma Thompson
Security Guard Mel Smith
Bambi Griff Rhys-Jones

Originally transcribed by Kristen Mirenda (E_mail: mirenda@panix.com), HTML conversion by Andrew Wong (E_mail: achwong@pobox.com).

NOTE: The following is a transcription of the "Young Ones" episode "Bambi" as it aired on American MTV in the mid-'80s. I've done this strictly for the enjoyment of myself and other YO fans, and to encourage others to transcribe other scripts if they have a free evening. If anybody has an archive they want to put this in, go ahead.

[Straight brackets indicate action and vital commentary on the scene]

Thanks to the following people from alt.comedy.british for their help with Britishisms and spellings: Andrew Wong, James Kew, B. Squad, Johan von Boisman, Adrian Adams, Bryce Utting, Jim Waters, Jennifer Mary George, Stuart Jackson (plus anyone whose name I neglected to jot down).


[OPENING SCENE: Rick, Vyvyan, Mike sitting at their kitchen table. The phone is ringing. Rick is telling a story. Mike is writing in a notebook.]

Rick:...Which, if you ask me, is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down! Anyway, Mary decided...
Vyvyan:Wait a minute, wait a minute...Who's this Mary?
Rick:What do you mean, "who's this Mary"? I've been talking about her for the last ten minutes!
Vyvyan:Have you?
Rick:Honestly, Vyvyan, have you been listening to a word I've said?
Vyvyan:No.
Rick:Well, pay attention. Mary, right, who's that tall girl doing geoggers...
Vyvyan:OH! You mean the one with the enormous tits!
Rick:They're minu...Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist? they're called breasts, and everybody has them.
Vyvyan:Well, I don't.
Rick:Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler! *snort*

[brief shot of Neil running down the street]
Vyvyan: Oh, I know who you mean. "Old Yellow Pages".
Rick: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the Univerisity call her that, yes. So, anyway, Mary decided...
Mike: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Rick: What is it now?
Mike: Who's getting married?
Rick: No, no one's getting married, Michael, I'm talking about Mary.
Mike: Who's Mary?
Rick: Oh, God...
[again brief SCENE of Neil running down the street. He trips over a dust bin, spilling its contents. He notices a hippie-ish satchel amongst the rubbish and picks it up. Then he sees a dead pigeon also in the rubbish, picks it up, and puts it in the satchel. He continues running.]
Mike: (to Vyvyan) I still don't see why that means they should call her "Yellow Pages".
Vyvyan: (to Mike) Look, I'm telling you, Michael, because when she gets drunk at parties...
[Vyv mimes the 2-finger Yellow Pages walk]
Rick: Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention? It's my story, it's bloody amusing...Honestly, I don't know why I bother, sometimes!
Vyvyan: I don't know why you bother ever.
Rick: Yeah, right (snort) ... Anyway, Mary decided not to go to the party, for the obvious reason...
Mike: Were we invited?
Rick:What?
Mike: To the party, the wedding.
Rick: [exasperated] NOOOOO!

[cut to SCENE of Neil running around the corner and into the house. He rushes into the kitchen, out of breath. The phone is still ringing.]

Neil:Guys, guys, listen, I've got something amazing to tell you!
Rick:Answer the phone, Neil!
Neil:What?
Rick:Answer the phone!
Neil:Oh yeah, right.
[Neil is about to pick up the phone when it stops ringing.]
Neil:Oh...Floppy disks! Anyway, look, never mind that...
Rick:What do you mean, "never mind"? What do you mean, "never mind"? That might have been a very important call, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you?
Neil:Mug, Rick.
Rick:What? Oh sorry, yes, DAMN, DAMN!
Neil:Anyway, listen, guys...
Vyvyan:No, no, Neil, you listen! I've been waiting here half an hour, half a bloody hour, Neil, being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that [points to Rick] bogey-bum!
Neil:Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault. Why don't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Vyvyan:Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do!
[Neil, defeated, begins cooking the meal]
That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after the plants and goldfish.
Neil:Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Vyvyan:Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday.
Neil:Yeah, sausages, and...
Vyvyan:Sausages and plants and goldfish. Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
Rick:Hey, Mike, that sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke, doesn't it!
Mike:Shut up, Rick.
[Rick sulks. Neil dumps the contents of the kitchen garbage can on the table in front of Vyvyan]
Mike:What's this, Neil?
Neil:Leftovers.
Rick:Neil, I hate you.
Neil:Oh, yeah, that's right, pick on me. I mean, I've already had personality hassles from a complete stranger today.
Vyvyan:[rooting throught the garbage with a fork] Hey! There's a dead rat in there! Great! [He eats the rat's head]
Neil:Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly! This complete stranger shouted "smelly!" at me! I wouldn't have minded if he was a hundred _yards_ away... [he raises his arms and leans over Rick and Vyv] I mean, come on guys, you can tell me truthfully, do I smell?
Mike:Yes.
Neil:Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I smell...What do you mean, "yes"?
Vyvyan:We mean yes you smell...Smelly!
Neil:Oh, great, yeah.
Mike:Sit down, Neil. [Neil sits at the table]
Neil:Sorry.
Rick:Hands up, who likes me! [there is no response]
Mike:Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. [He indicates the notebook] According to the house list, it says the last time we went to the laundrette was the 23rd of October... nineteen-eighty-one. Guys, it's wash day.
Vyvyan:But why, Michael? I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.
Rick:I said, hands up, who likes...
Mike:Rick! We heard what you said. Now, guys, brace yourselves, there's no avoiding this, and I'm not talking about my chopper, we are going to the laundrette!
Vyvyan:Oh, no, please...
Neil:No, not the laundrette...
Rick: [stands up abruptly] Why don't you like me?
Vyvyan:Because you're a complete bastard.
Rick:Vyvyan, I'm being serious!
Vyvyan:So am I. You're a complete bastard and we all hate you.
Rick:[shaking his head] I find that rather difficult to believe.
Vyvyan:Do you want to bet on it? I'll put down a fiver.
Neil:Yeah, me too.
Mike:You can count me in as well.
[Vyv, Neil, and Mike put their money on the table]
Rick:Yes, eh, I...I don't bet.
Vyvyan:Coward!
Neil:Yeah, yellow chicken!
Rick:Alright, I'm not scared!
Vyvyan:Right, then, a fiver!
Rick:Oh, I haven't got any money.
Neil:What about that tenner I lent you this morning? For your sister's operation?
Vyvyan:You haven't got a sister, Rick! You're the classic example of an only child.
Rick:Alright, alright, are we going to bet or are we going to piffle around all night? [slaps money on the table] There's a tenner!
Vyvyan:Quiet, everybody, the bet's on!
Rick:Right. Hands up, who likes me! [Rick throws both arms into the air, while the other three guys drop their hands to the floor] DAMN! Right, that's it, I'm going to kill myself. [He removes his belt] Then you'll be sorry!
Vyvyan:No, we won't. [Rips the tenner in half and gives one half to Mike]
Neil:[Rooting through the garbage] Does anybody want the last chick pea?
Mike:I didn't even want the first one.
[Rick has the belt around his neck and has climbed upon a chair. He is trying unsuccessfully to attach his noose to the ceiling]
Rick:I feel sorry for you, you zeros, you nobodies. What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you -- nothing, that's what!
[Exasperated, Rick gives up on hanging himself and jumps down from the chair. He grabs a large bottle of pills, shows it to the others, and starts stuffing pills into his mouth]
Neil:[sotto voce to Vyvyan] Vyv, Vyv, uh, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
Vyvyan:I don't know, Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out.
Neil:I think I'm going up to my room for a bit... [Runs upstairs, head down. Rick swallows some more pills defiantly at Neil's back.]
Rick:This house will become a shrine! And punks and skins and Rastas will all gather round and all hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyv starts hanging around looking expectantly at Rick's bum]
Rick:And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Why kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" Then another kid will say... [Rick emits a long, loud fart].
[The camera zooms in suddenly on a box of matches on a shelf]
Box:Don't look at me, I'm irrelevant.
[Clanging noise heard as Neil comes running panicked down the stairs]
Neil:Oh, no! Oh wow! Guys, guys, quickly -- one of Vyvyan's socks has escaped!
[Shot of the guys from directly above. Cut to SCENE: a Victorian scientist, Dr. Carlisle, in his study, looking through a microscope]
Dr. Carlisle:Amazing! Absolutely amazing. Human beings the size of amoebas. [He removes the slide and places it his desk]
[The maid, Janet, enters bearing a tray]
Janet:Here's your afternoon tea, Dr. Carlisle.
Dr. Carlisle: Ah, thank you, Janet. [He takes an eclair from the tray]
Janet:Oh, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is here to see you.
Dr. Carlisle:Is he? Well, I'd best conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this box. [Dramatic music] Show him in.
[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News enters the study]
Dr. NTNN:Prepare yourself, sir. I have a patient outside whose deformities are so grotesque that you will question how the Almighty could suffer such a blasphemy upon his earth.
Dr. Carlisle:Calm yourself, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News, we are men of science! We fear no worldly terrors.
Dr. NTNN:Pray, remember, sir, he is human! He is...a man!
[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News leads an elephant into the room]
Dr. Carlisle:It's an elephant, Doctor.
Dr. NTNN:You unfeeling bastard, sir! [Speaks to the elephant] I hoped perhaps he might understand.
Elephant:[in voiceover] I am an elephant, you know.
[SCENE: back to the guys' house, where Mike, Neil, and Vyv are battling Vyv's sock]
Vyvyan:Get back in the sack, sock!
Sock:I'm not going back in there! It stinks!
Mike:Vyvyan, if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any!
[The sock attacks Neil, who jumps out of the way]
Neil:Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock!
[Vyv begins hitting the sock with a cast-iron frying pan]
Neil: Kill...Kill...Kill...Kill...
Rick: [coming in from upstairs]
Oh, that's nice talk coming from a vegetarian!
Neil:Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out!
Rick:I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebels! It's dead now.
[Respectfully, Rick removes his hat. Vyv hits him on the head with the frying pan]
Vyvyan:Rick, it was a mercy killing.
[Smoke and unearthly screams from the dead sock]
Mike:Right, that's it, we're going to the laundrette, now!
Vyvyan:We can't Mike.
Mike:Why not?
Vyvyan:Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Mike:Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[Closeup on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and closeup on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes, however: Christopher Ryan is Neil; Rik Mayall is Vyv; Nigel Planer is Rick; Ade Edmonson is Mike.]
Vyvyan:Wow, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the laundrette.
Rick:Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the laundrette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
Neil:Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused.
[to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Rick:Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
Vyvyan:[grabbing Rick by the collar] Shut up or I'll kill you!
Mike:Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Vyvyan:Right. [Points to Rick's hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!
[Rick takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
Neil:Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air -- BOING -- and disappear...]
[NEW SCENE: They reappear, landing on a city street outside the laundrette. The actors are now back in their characters.]
Vyvyan:God! That was quick!
[They enter the laundrette. Vyv's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyv points at the knickers -- "Oi!''-- and they fly into the laundrette after him. Several people flee the laundrette, choking and gagging.]
[SCENE: in the laundrette.]
Neil:Come on, guys. Like, the sooner we start, like, the sooner we finish.
Rick:Hah! They said that about...eh...uh...Something that took a long time to finish.
Vyvyan:I hate these places. They're so depressing. You know, Michael, I would rather go to a lecture than a laundrette.
Mike:Come on, Vyvyan, don't exaggerate.
Rick: [Tugging at Mike's sleeve] Hey, I know a joke about that as well. Listen, pay attention to me. "I told you a million times, do not exaggerate!"
[Rick laughs; Mike stares at him] Get on with it, Neil.
[Neil stuffs laundry into a washing machine, which spits it back out.]
Washing Machine:No way!
Neil:Oh, wow! Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Vyvyan:Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding.
[He talks to the machine] Now then, don't give me any gip, you bastard.
[All the washing machines in the row slam shut their doors one by one as Vyv approaches]
Vyvyan:Oh dear.
[Sotto to the guys] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
[Loudly] Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag. All of Felicity Kendall's underwear, that needs a good wash!
[The machine makes a lecherous sound and opens its door.]
Vyvyan:NOW!
[The guys stuff their laundry into the machine, which gags and shakes in protest. The others hold the door shut as Mike reads the operating instructions.]
Mike:Now, "make sure that the door is firmly closed" -- no, we've done that -- right, "fill the tray with powder" -- Powder! What do they mean, "powder"? Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? I mean, what's on their minds?
Neil:Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike. Um...Oh, look, maybe if we got all the horrid sludgy bits out of the other machines we could get enough.
Mike:Neil, you carry on...Right, "if you require conditioner..." Well, do we?
[Neil collects some sludgy bits and tastes them. He looks surprised, and eats some more.]
Rick:No, Mike, that's just for people washing their hair.
Mike:No, we don't want to go mad. Right, "Insert two 50-pence pieces..."
[All action stops suddenly]
[SCENE: The guys are back sitting dejectedly at the kitchen table.]
Neil:Come on, guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway?
Rick:Yeah! You know what they say, "dirty pants, clean botty!"
[Close up on Mike, with ***several frames from "The End" of Carry On Cowboy edited in]
Mike:"Dirty duvet, dirty mind."
Vyvyan:My knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together!
Rick:Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure -- when Lenin led the revolution in Russia, no way did he do it with a spotless bott!
Vyvyan:YEAH! I LOVE MY BOTTOM SPOTTY!
Neil:Yeah...Yeah...Let's never wash our clothes again!
Mike:What do you mean, "again"?
Neil:Yeah, yeah, we could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world.
Mike:Hey, now there's a challenge!
Neil:OH! [jumps up] OH! WOW! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you! Oh no, what's the time?
Mike:Now, Vyv, here's your chance. [He shows Vyv his watch] Right, now see the big hand there? That's on the two, right? Now, the little hand is on that one there, just before the twelve. Now, what's that one?
Vyvyan:[uncertain] Eleven?
Mike:Perfectly excellent! So what's the time?
Vyvyan:[thinks for a moment] Uh...Half past five!
Neil:That means we have exactly two minutes to get to the station!
Rick:Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about?
Neil:We've been picked to go on University Challenge... tonight! [Dramatic music]
[Rick, Vyv, and Mike jump from their chairs]
Vyvyan:To the station!
Mike:Music!
[MOTORHEAD appears in the living room playing "Ace of Spades" as the guys rush off. Scenes of the band playing are interspersed with the guys' antics in King's Cross Station (London) as they rush for the train, in a parody of "A Hard Day's Night":

  • Rick steals a magazine from a kiosk but ends up paying for it anyway;
  • the guys run through a door marked "No Entry";
  • Vyv grabs a plastic-wrapped doughnut from a snack bar counter, stuffs the entire thing in his mouth, and gives the cashier a "screw you" sign;
  • Neil is impatient waiting for his photo booth pictures;
  • Mike enjoys a gin & tonic, but when he turns his wrist to check his watch, spills the drink on himself;
  • Vyv and Rick ride the luggage cart; they get on the train with moments to spare.]
[SCENE: Rick and Neil on the train, scenery whizzing by. Papers are spread out on the table before them. Rick is casually fixing his hair while Neil nervously shuffles the papers.]
Neil:Oh, I wish we'd missed the train after all now. I'm just not going to be able to answer anything, I just know it.
Rick:Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants. Just look at you, swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo. You're just an utter creep, really, aren't you? You've done loads and loads of work on it and I haven't done anything, nothing at all. Go on, test me. Go on, test me!
Neil:You just said you hadn't done anything.
Rick:Don't be clever, just take the book. [Rick throws his notebook at Neil]
Neil:Alright, but verbatim regurgitation is against my principles.
Rick:I'm asking you to test me on it, not throw up on it! Right, do it properly and don't skip bits.
Neil:[reading the title of the notebook] "O-Level History Notes"?
Rick:Yes, bit of pretty bloody billiant luck, eh? We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level!
Neil:[Reading from the notebook] "Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the class."
Rick:Ah, yes, now, that was a sort of "in joke" that we had in my form. Actually, I was incredibly popular and everyone thought I was great.
Neil:"...I agree with the rest of the class. Signed, Teacher."
Rick:Just test me on the stuff, will you? [Indicating a different page] There!
Neil:Alright, alright, don't get uncool and heavy. "Crop rotation in the 14th century..."
Rick:Right. [reciting] "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."
Neil:"Considerably".
Rick:What?
Neil:It's "considerably more widespread", not "much more".
Rick:Well?
Neil:Well, you said, "do it properly."
Rick:Well, not that much, you stupid bloody hippie!
Neil:You said, "do it properly and don't skip bits!" How was I to know that wasn't important?
Rick:Well it wasn't important, alright? Shall we just get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was _considerably_ more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172." [Neil is silent] Well, was I right?
Neil:No, but I didn't think it was important.
Rick:Well, what was it, then?
Neil:You just said not to tell you.
Rick:I bloody well did not!
Neil:Yes you did! You said, "Don't tell me" just before you said, "1172."
Rick:But I only meant for a minute!
Neil:What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?
Rick:Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!
Neil:Shut up AND tell you the answer?
Rick:JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!
Neil:John.
Rick:Thank you..."John"?
Neil:Yeah, "John" is the answer.
Rick:"Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after John?
Neil:"...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."
Rick:Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!
Neil:You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".
Rick:[hysterical] You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads... [he starts making a mess of Neil's papers]
Neil:Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!
Rick:...loads and loads, loads and loads...
[Vyv (carrying two coffee cups) and Mike enter the car. Vyv briefly gets stuck in the automatic door. They sit down.]
Vyvyan:[Giving a cup to Rick] There you are, Rick, that'll be five quid.
Rick:Five pounds for an empty paper cup?
Vyvyan:It had sugar in it. [Rick gives him the fiver, which he rips in half and splits with Mike]
Mike:Who are we playing, anyway, Neil?
Neil:Footlights College, Oxbridge. It's going to be really heavy and tough.
Vyvyan:[pulling out a thick book] Well, I've done my revision.
Mike:[reads the book's title] "The Daily Mirror Book of Facts: Did You Know".
Neil:Do you think that's where they get the questions from? [Neil starts reading the book with great interest] "The world's record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril..."
Vyvyan:Ehhh, "Six-hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A."
Neil:Yeah, right! "World's stickiest bogey?"
Vyvyan:Ha! Tried to fool me. That's Toxteth again!
Rick:The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!
Neil:It says "Rick" here, actually.
Rick:Give me that! [Rick grabs the book]
Vyvyan:See, I've done my revision. I'm going off now to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet. [Vyv exits]
Mike:[to camera] I've often wondered who did that.
[SCENE: Vyvyan next to the train door. There is a window with a sign above it.]
Vyvyan:[reading the sign] "Do Not Lean Out of the Window". I wonder why?
[Vyv leans out the window and the train goes into a tunnel. He is decapitated, with appropriate screams and blood gushing from his head. He pulls the emergency cord.]
[SCENE: back to the other three guys as the train stops]
Rick:Oh good heavens, what now?
Mike:Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Rick:Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want fifty pounds they can blimmin' well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are, anyway, come to think of it.
[to camera] Right, commuters?
Neil:Oh, no, we'll never get there on time now.
Mike:Relax, Neil. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[SCENE: Outside on the tracks, Vyv's headless body is stumbling around. Vyv's head is on the ground, shouting directions.]
Vyvyan's head:Over here, over here...You took your time, you bastard!
[Vyv's body kicks his head along like a football]
[SCENE: Back in the train car]
Rick:Come on, come on! Get the thing started! God, what excuse is it this time? I suppose they'll be telling us they've been held up my Mexican bandits.
[SCENE: Outside by the engine car. Mexican bandits are holding the Train Driver at gunpoint.]
Train Driver (Alexei Sayle): That's a Zapata moustache, ennit? He's Mexican, wasn't he, eh? Funny, really, you know, Zapata. He starts out as a peasant revolutionary, and ends up as a kind of moustache. Che Guevara, he's another one. South American revolutionary, ends up as a sort of boutique. Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a kind of biscuit.

It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after revolutionaries. You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Freens Trotsky Assortment.

[sings] "Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

[pause] I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at statistics, right. 83% of top British management have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge. All you get from a public school, right -- one, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they're all shutting each others' dicks in the door! "Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!" BAM! OW OW OW! "Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play the Panzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!"

[Establishing shot of a Rolls-Royce driving out of Footlights College. SCENE: Back seat, four rich kids: Kendal Mintcake, Miss Money-Sterling, Lord Snot, and Lord Monty.]
All:[singing] Rah, rah, rah, we're going to smash the oiks! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Lord Monty:You know, it's a rotten shame. I went to see the Careers Officer in Big College yesterday, and he said all he'd got left is chairman of British Rail! Well, I wanted to be Director General of the BBC.
Lord Snot:Yes, it's rotten, they gave it to Skapper just because he directed our world tour of "Hamlet" and wrote our hilarious revue, "What Ho, Darkie". Honestly, chairman of a nationalized industry -- I'd rather be a Cabinet Minister!
Kendal Mintcake:Well, I'm alright, 'cause my Daddy's bought me the Socialist Workers' Party for my birthday!
Miss Money-Sterling:At least we're going to smash the oiks at Scumbag College in University Challenge.
Lord Snot:We've just got time before my balls drop!
[SCENE: Vyv, Neil, Rick, and Mike, covered in mud and hitchhiking at the side of the road.]
Rick:Oh, God. If you hadn't pulled that communication cord, Vyvyan, that man would never have thrown us off the train.
Mike:Rick, he threw us off the train because you said ASLEF was an anagram for "total and complete bastard."
Neil:And apart from everything else...It isn't, even.
Rick:Oh, shut up, Neil. If you hadn't been born at all, then we wouldn't even be here, because there'd only be three of us, and three isn't enough to go on University Challenge. So it's your fault.
Neil:Bambi won't wait.
Mike:Relax, Neil, he's a personal friend. I helped him get the Babycham commercial.
Neil:Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really do make it out of babies?
Rick:Oh, bloody hell! It must be 200 miles to Manchester, and I bet we've got to walk the whole blimmin' way!
Mike:What are you talking about, Rick? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy.
[SCENE: Lobby of a television studio. A Security Guard (Mel Smith)stands at the desk. The guys walk in.]
Mike:See, told you so! [They start walking past the guard]
Evening, Officer, University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Guard:: Hang on... [he checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Neil:Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Mike:Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
Guard:[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Neil:Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Guard:: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyv attempts to enter the studio with a pig] Hang on, what's that?
Vyvyan:It's my mascot!
Guard:: A pig?
Vyvyan:No!
Guard:: It is.
Vyvyan:It's not, it's a ferret. A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Guard:: Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan:Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Guard:: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan:Ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Mike:Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Rick:Had you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?
[Rick gives him the 2-finger salute]
Pig:[in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
Guard:: Good morning, Mr. Gasciogne, sir.
Bambi:Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Mike:Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good. Albeit you've lost a little fur since I've last seen you, and you're walking on two legs now I see...But still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Rick:Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
Neil:I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Vyvyan:Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
Neil:That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
Vyvyan:It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Set".
Neil:[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
Bambi:So what if I did? I'm not apologizing. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable faun alright, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back...If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Rick:Well, are you going to letus win?
Bambi:No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyv leaves the pig-ferret with the guard]

[SCENE: the University Challenge studio. The contestants sit along two tiers: Scumbag College on the top, Footlights on the bottom. Theme music plays.]
Bambi:Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
[Cut to preppy audience, all dressed alike in school blazers and scarves, with a Footlights banner. One holds a teddy-bear.]
Audience:Rah rah rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Bambi:Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
[Cut to Vyv's hamster, Special Patrol Group, sitting in the audience.]
SPG:Oi! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
[Audience boos. Close up of SPG and teddy-bear]
SPG:See you, teddy-bear, come 'ere! [SPG bites the teddy-bear on the neck]
Bambi:Yes, well, representing Footlights we have Lord Monty...
Lord Monty:Hello.
Bambi:...Lord Snot...
Lord Snot:Heh heh heh. [he sips champagne]
Bambi:...Miss Money-Sterling...
Miss Money-Sterling:Ah! [she sips champagne]
Bambi:...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Kendal Mintcake:[gives thumbs-up sign] Hi
Bambi:And representing Scumbag we have Mike..
Mike:Hello.
Bambi:...Prick...
Rick:What? [He leans over to look at his namecard, to which someone has added a "P"]
Bambi:...Vyvyan... [Vyvyan gives a double screw-you sign] ...and Neil.
Neil:Vegetable rights and peace. [Neil gives a peace sign]
Bambi:So, your starter for 10, no conferring: Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
Announcer:Scumbag, Neil.
Neil:Uh...Can I go to the toilet please?
Bambi:No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 5 point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. ...He came to represent the modal cathodic slipwit of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
Announcer:Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty:Alright, now, eh, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk d'Wally d'Honque?
Bambi:Yes, well, you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Lord Monty:Certainly, will fifty pound do?
Bambi:Absolutely spot on, well done Footlights, 10 points, and three bonus questions to you. "What was the name..."
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Lord Snot:Battle of Bannockburn!
Bambi:Yes, well that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in and waves his arms]
Neil:Buzz, buzz...uh, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Bambi:Yes, well, the second bonus question, to Footlights, who are ahead by 15 points, but it's early days yet...
Neil:Oh, no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
Bambi:...Who said, "Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire"?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Kendal Mintcake:Lenin!
Bambi:Yes, I can accept that, although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, 5 points. And what is the chemical equation...
[Miss Money-Strerling buzzes in]
Miss Money-Sterling:I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
Bambi:Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights leads by 25 points.
Miss Money-Sterling:Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
Bambi:So, starters for 10, fingers on the buzzers...Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyv accidentally buzzes in while dissembling his microphone]
Announcer:Scumbag, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan:What?
Rick:We're getting trashed, we're getting completely trashed! [the guys confer] Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil:Guys, look, it's beginning to seep out.
Mike:It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug! [Mike empties his water pitcher on Lord Snot's head]
Bambi:Now I'll have to hurry you...Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Announcer:Footlights, Snot.
Lord Snot:It's me, isn't it?
Bambi:No, I'm afraid not, your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
Lord Snot:Oh, damn. [the water pitcher falls on Lord Snot's head]
Bambi:So with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
Vyvyan:[buzzing in] I'm completely bloody sick of this!
[he bashes in the floor and kicks Kendal Mintcake in the head] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil!
Mike:Relax, we can handle this... Vyvyan!
Vyvyan:[pulling out a hand grenade] Achtung! [he drops it on the Footlights team]
Miss Money-Sterling: It's not an automatic --
[BOOM the Footlight team is demolished.]
Mike:Okay, Bambi, let's hear another.
Bambi:So here goes with the starter for 10. What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
Announcer:Scumbag, Mike.
Mike:Six hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A.
Vyvyan:I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Bambi:10 points, Scumbag, and your question: Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
Mike:[buzzing in] Toxteth O'Grady.
Bambi:Correct, 5 points.
Vyvyan:You bum bag!
Bambi:The world's stupidest bottom-burp?
Neil:[buzzing in] Rick, Britain!
Bambi:Correct, 5 points.
Rick:It is not!
Bambi:And finally, for 5 bonus points to take you into the lead: Who's been tampering with my question cards?
Rick:[buzzing in] It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!
[audience boos and pelts the Scumbag team with garbage. Suddenly, a gigantic eclair falls from the sky and crushes the guys.]
[SCENE: Dr. Carlisle's study. He is chatting with the elephant. The eclair has fallen off the box onto the microscope slide.]
Dr. Carlisle:Oh no, this sticky-bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the eclair to the elephant] Here, Jumbo, get that through your esophagus.
Elephant:Very good.
Dr. Carlisle:Anyway, as I was saying...
[the Young Ones theme music and credits start and continue over the rest of the show]
Dr. Carlisle:...I've rather an interesting theory. Have you tried this new high-fiber diet?
Elephant:Yes, I tried that. I lost a ton but I put it straight back on again.
[SCENE: Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is talking intimately to a stuffed bird]
Dr. NTNN:Look, I understand that many men must have asked of you that which you weren't prepared to give. But I pledge you my word of honor as a gentleman that I would never take that which you didn't offer freely, nor enter where I've been asked to remain outside.
[SCENE: Janet, the maid, is holding Bacon Sandwich on her lap]
Janet:I was thinking, if you were to just dye your hair a wee bit, then you'd look a little bit more like...
[the pig squirms away] Yes, I quite agree!

© Copyright Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, Lise Meyer - 1984.