I love my kids so much. They make me smile a million times a day!! :o)

R.I.P. Donald E Lemmon, Jr.
Beloved Father and Husband
9/4/68 - 6/10/06

3/11 - Have you ever fantasized about what you would do if you won the lottery? Sure you have - we all have! And it's a lot of fun, I know! But now... add a twist - kill off the one person you love most in this world, and THEN win the lottery. Hmmm... If you loved that person even close to as much as I loved Don, it's just no fun anymore, is it. I'm sitting here right this minute with enough money that I never have to work again. Which is awesome, of course; it beats the f!?k out of having to work at WalMart for minimum wage... BUT!!! And I say this with tears in my eyes... I would gladly give back every cent in my bank account times 10 if I could have my husband back. Or whatever amount you name, I would work so hard for the rest of my my life, I swear it... There is no amount of money on this planet worth having your beautiful children grow up without ever having known their daddy. I don't know what else to say. I guess my husband gave his life to see us made financially secure, but that's B.S. I want my husband back. ***CRY CRY CRY***

3/10 - Thank you E! You did a nice job on my segment.

3/09 - The life insurance policy went through. I came home to find a FedEx envelope informing me of the new account that has been set up in my name. I won't ever have to go back to porn or stand on a street corner begging for money or do anything but be the best mommy I can be to my two little babies. I am just bawling like a bitch all over my keyboard. Thank you everyone who kept us in their thoughts and supported me in so many different ways during this unimaginably difficult year. Finally I can look to a future with hope for me and my little ones!

3/05 - My loyal assistant dictator "me2" came out to help us celebrate Catty turning TWO! (Catty's trying to show us how many she is now, but it looks more like the Vulcan greeting sign LOL!) Catty had a great day, she got to pick her own breakfast (chocolate peanut butter and spray cheese, yum!) and then we went to the playground, then she opened presents! Score!! Catty also got a cute little ATV - hang on tight BabyD!! One of the neat things about having me2 here is that I get some pics of me interacting with my kiddos! I can't believe I'm even going to show you this next picture - I can't believe me2 TOOK IT! Grrrr!! He took a picture of how I sleep and both kids manage to nurse at the same time without even waking me up. I guess it's cool to have for posterity, but still... grrr... (warning: there is a breast larger than the state of Idaho in this picture) Here. Ok, so that's how I juggle two kids at night. You've already seen how I handle feeding two kids WHILE working at my computer. What else? My latest trick - here's how I go hiking with both kids! ONE and TWO. So where do I go to collect my award for "Mother of the Year", dangit? 'Cause I FINALLY feel like I'm getting my act together over here, and I'm PROUD! Yay ME!! :o)

2/21 - I was just reading a message board online where mommas were sharing what song they played at their wedding. I don't know why I even read it, I've never had a wedding with music played at it. But I clicked anyway, and it was a bunch of songs I'd never heard of, until I saw "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. Oh... that song takes my breath away! Immediately I had to do a search online until I could listen to it, and I found it on youtube and listened to it again and again... it took me back... back to when I was a sexy single pornstar at the top of my game... I used to drive to work with the top off my Corvette, sunglasses on, and "Come What May" blaring out of my CD player. I'd be singing along at the top of my happy lungs with the wind blowing through my hair... it seems like a lifetime ago, so far away!! But it was only 4 years ago. One year before I met Donny. How I wish I could go back! I'm sitting here blubbering like a fool now... Sure, I thought my life had problems back then (come on, doesn't everyone?) but now I look back and I want to slap myself upside the head and shout, "You idiot! You had EVERYTHING! You didn't know what troubles were!" *sigh*... You know that saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?" Well this is just my lousy opinion, but don't believe the hype. I've done a million interviews where they asked "If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?" and I always said, "Nothing! All the hard times in my life have led me to where I am today, and I'm very happy with who I am today." Well NOW, for the first time in my life, I will say that if I had a time machine, I would go back and NOT have met my husband Don. Yes, you read that correctly. The time I spent with Don was so wonderful, the best of my life, without a doubt! I adored him!! But the pain of having him ripped away from me... good god I could never go through this again. And if Don is watching from somewhere up above, I know he understands what I'm saying. He could never stand to see me in pain, and the last 8 months have just been a hell on earth I would never wish on anyone. The ecstasy of being with my true love for 2.5 years is not worth enduring the agony of being without him for the rest of my life. There, I've said it. I'm just speaking from the heart! So what about my kids, you ask? I adore my kids. You KNOW I do, you can see it in every post I make how much I love them. But the truth is, I never wanted to be a mother until I met Don. I had no interest in being a single parent. It wasn't until I met Don that I felt like I had found my life partner, the solid foundation on which to build a family. If I had known he would be gone before the second kid was even born... well dang. This is not the way I had planned things, not at all! *another sigh* Well, it is what it is. I pick myself up every day and carry on. I do the best I can by my two beautiful children. But I do wanna kick Don in the butt for being a sperm donor and then skipping out of town! **shaking fist up at the sky** You owe me a WHOLE LOT OF DIAPER DUTY, BUDDY!!! A WHOLE LOT!!!

2/9 - OMG!! I am SO UPSET!!! My E! show has been pulled from the schedule!! Less than 24 hours before airtime! OMG they SUCK!! I know lots of you saw it, I posted the link to E!'s schedule and I was right there, the very first show listed, and now I'm GONE!!! NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!! How can they keep doing this to me?? This show is just ratings to them, it means nothing to them at the end of the day, but this is my LIFE!! It's like a knife in the heart for me just to talk about it, and all I want to do is put it behind me so I can heal and move forward, BUT IT JUST WON'T END!!! You know, I knew something was up when I got an email from the executive producer that made it pretty clear they were still editing my show three days before airtime - just yesterday I gave them permission to use a quote that my ex-husband Bud gave them. I thought that was pretty strange, but I did assume they would still have their act together by showtime. Well obviously they couldn't get my show done in time and now I've been bumped. Again. I'm sorry everyone, but I'm over it, I'm done with it. The hell with E! I don't care when the show airs or if it ever does. I need to not hear about it anymore because I can't go on forever having my heart ripped out of me every time I think about it! If you guys manage to find out when it airs, and you watch it, that's cool. But I will not be keeping tabs on it or updating anyone about it any further. I hope you all understand. I need to find some sort of closure with this whole story about Don so I can work on healing and being a good mommy to my babies. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I type this. I hope and pray that Don's life insurance policy comes through because I never want to sell my soul to the press again!!! (p.s. I did not get paid one penny to do the E! show. I did it because it would bring traffic to my site, and hopefully website sales. That's all.)

2/7 - For the small percentage of you who know what a "coprolite" is, you will probably find this post interesting. The rest of you will wind up learning more than you ever wanted to know about fossilized dinosaur poop LOL!! So as I do every day, I drove out into the endless desert, and I found a new place to explore - a gorgeous deep canyon that seemed to go on forever! With BabyD strapped to my chest and snoring away, mama clambered over giant boulders while inspecting them for fossil imprints Then about a mile into the canyon, I saw a rock with funny shapes embedded into the surface. I'd never seen anything like it before, on this hike, or any other! Here it is, with some of my tools in the foreground for perspective. Yes, I do think I found a boulder embedded with tons of coprolites! What I recall one of my fossil books saying was "Coprolites are fairly common, but often go unrecognized and uncollected. If it looks like what you think it is, it probably is; but kick it with your boot to make sure it's a fossil before picking it up". Well I'm no expert, but have you ever seen anything shaped like this that WASN'T POOP?? I mean c'mon, you can see where the ends got tapered off and even splatted a little when it hit the mud! Yummy! I tapped it suspiciously with my rock hammer, expecting it to crumble to dust or go 'squish' or something, but no, they are ROCKS! PETRIFIED! FOSSILIZED DINO DUNG! LOTS OF IT! And now you're saying "Uh-huh...and your point is??" Well there are actually scientists who study coprolites to learn more about the dinosaurs eating and digestive habits. They study the turds under microscopes and find out all sorts of neat stuff. I don't think I'm quite ready for THAT yet, LOL, but if you know of any fossil geeks in Southern Utah/Northern AZ or NV who do study or collect coprolites, I will let them know where they can find my special rock ;o). Ok, if you made it all the way through this post, I will reward you with a little vid clip I shot of me and BabyD out in the canyon today. Enjoy! :o)

EDITED TO ADD: I have just received tentative confirmation from a geologist and a coprolite collector that it does indeed look like I may have discovered a bonafide "Carrera Coprolite Site"! Yippee! I found million-year-old dinosaur poops!! Next up - my own dinosaur! Stay tuned...

2/4 - Less than a week until the E! special airs, provided they don't move it again! I'm nervous. No I'm not. Yes I am! LOL! I'm a little bit curious to see it, but I don't think it would do me any favors mentally to relive any of it, so I'm just gonna skip it. I'll have me2 copy it for me in case the kids want to watch it one day when they get older. Oh, I got a lot of responses on what my "weird bone" was, but I don't feel any closer to knowing the answer LOL - every single answer was different! "Deer femur", "goat lower leg", "mammal ulna", "radius bone", "lower leg/tibia", "young antelope", "fox/coyote", "humerus/upper arm", "leg bone". Ok then... LOL!! I do thank you all for responding though! In other news, I've decided it is no longer a comforting thought when people tell me that "Don is looking down on you all the time from up above". Ummm... how about if I'm picking my nose or pulling a wedgy out of my buttcrack? Is there a way to turn OFF the "view from heaven" option? Because it also occurred to me that all my dead friends and family would be up there looking down too, probably lined up on bleachers sitting next to God and Jesus, and I find this a little unnerving! I mean really, do you want your aunt and uncle looking down on you taking a big dump first thing in the morning? How about Gramma and Grampa watching you have sex? Or even worse, clucking in disdain as you do a little *ahem* solo-lovin', polishing the old pork-sword, as it were? All of a sudden I find atheism to be a big relief - otherwise I think I would have started painting all my ceilings with lead so I could get a little privacy around here! Hehehe!! ;o

1/22 - I still have good days and bad days, but I guess that's to be expected. I had a particularly bad day after I saw the E! Channel previews one and two. Those little snippets were more than enough to bring everything flooding back to me, all the memories I try very hard to keep locked down as tightly as Don's urn. After I watched those promos, I felt a need to go talk to Don for a little bit, and I stood in front of his urn holding BabyD up, so he could see how big and handsome his son was getting. Then I completely lost it and spent most of the rest of the day bawling on the kitchen floor. I'm sitting here crying now as I type this. The pain is still there, it's always there, but most days I'm good at blocking it out and forging a new life for myself that doesn't require dealing with people. I enjoy my quiet time exploring in the desert with BabyD very much; it's definitely the highlight of my day. Here's the latest addition to my skull collection, a tiny chipmunk! And I brought this bone home too, even though it's not a skull, because I thought it was funny in a "Fred Flintstone" sort of way! :o) Yes, welcome to life in the desert, where shotguns, ATVs, and skull collecting seem to be the activities of choice! While deep down in a ravine searching for fossils, I stumbled across a cavern where a large owl was hiding out. The owl took off for a nearby tree to keep an eye on me while I made my way up to his dwelling to see what I could find. I found this one very unique looking bone, and I'm curious if any of my geeky friends out there can identify what animal or even what part of the body this bone might have come from? One and Two! It appears to be a joint of some sort, but it's so carefully sculpted, it almost looks man-made! I'm guessing maybe the owl brought home one of the giant jackrabbits we have around here, but perhaps the owl was sharing the cavern with another predator who brought home something I've not even seen yet. Heck, I didn't even know we had owls around here until I started exploring deep ravines a week or so ago! Any ideas? Tell me2 and he'll pass it along to me! Thanks! :o)

1/10 - Hi guys, sorry it's been so long since I've updated. LOL, it's kinda like the old days, where if I didn't update for 4-5 days I would get panicky emails, "Are you ok? Are you ok??". Yes, I'm ok! Happily, I can promise you now that I am well on the road to recovery, so if I'm away for too long, it's because I'm out having fun! But wait - let me define "fun" before you think I'm out pulling a Britney Spears and leaving my poor kids at home to fend for themselves LOL!! (Ok, I think you all know me better than that, but I'm dying to tell you what I've been up to anyway!!) During the weekday afternoons Catty goes to daycare to play with all her little friends (yes I had some guilt about that, but she loves it, and mommy has a lot to do at home while she's gone, so I'm glad it all works out!) Anyway, right after I drop Catty off at daycare, I zoom off into the desert with BabyD to enjoy my "me time" before I have to come home and do chores, pay bills, fill web orders, answer emails, mow the lawn, clean the house, etc. etc. et al... SO! My "me time" in the desert for the past few months has been hiking. I LOVE being able to explore where no one has been before, and out in the Utah desert there's PLENTY of that! So after I got tired of checking out what Mother Nature had to offer (oh yes, I took that picture in person!) and then building up my skull collection, I decided it was time to move onto the next step. Paleontology! Yes, I am going to become a fossil hunter! Well dang, I'm out here marching around in the desert 5 days a week anyway, why not take advantage of it, right? So I ordered some books about rocks and fossils in Utah, and I'm happy to report I've already found some fossils! Ok, they're not dinosaur bones; they're just stupid old mollusks, but considering I live out in the freakin' desert, a bazillion miles from any oceans, I think mollusk fossils are pretty cool! Here's one,and two, and three! I know they're not great fossil finds, but they're my first, so I'm excited! Anyone who has hunted fossils in Utah or Arizona or desert areas and has experience and tips to give me, I'm all ears! Ok now wait a minute - you'll have to email my assistant dictator me2 and if he thinks your email is something I'll want to read, he'll forward it onto me! Ok finally, my E! special is tentatively scheduled to air Monday, Feb 12 at 10:30 pm, but it's been re-scheduled once already, so that may change. I'll let you know if I find anything else out!

12/28 - Ironically I made it through the holidays ok, they were no big deal at all for me. Now I'm falling apart because little BabyD is starting to hit his milestones; he's still only 4 months old, but he's sitting up and standing, and he's so cute, but why isn't his daddy here to see these things? Donny would be so proud of his boy, his son who looks just like him, I wish he could have met his son just once, held him in his arms just once... I'm still working on the life insurance thing. That's another nightmare. They're launching an investigation because I'm filing less than year after we signed up... you know, maybe I shot the wheels of the Jeep out from 150 miles away with my death ray because I WANTED to lose my husband while I was 8 months pregnant... *sigh*... I know it's just their policy, but why does everything have to be so flippin' HARD??? I've been sitting here all night trying to fill out all the documents and affadavits and forms they want, and it's so hard to figure out what they want when I'm crying too hard to read. I never actually read Don's death certificates before. I just shoved them in a drawer when I got them. But the insurance company wants to know what the death certificate says, so now I learned Don died from "Injury due to blunt force motor vehicle trauma". I have this lovely image now of Don's head all over the... yeah, you know what I'm picturing. It's a visual I would DEARLY love to delete, but I can't... I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. I wish I wish I wish I could just get one hug from Don... I could really use a hug right now, but of course I'm all alone as usual. Well if that which does not kill us really makes us stronger, I should be approaching the level of "superhero", because some days are just so damn hard to get through... you really can't imagine unless you've been through it. The pain just goes on, and on, and on... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ok, sorry for the "poor me" rant, but I actually feel a bit better after getting all that out, so thanks for listening. :*)

P.S. If you're bored, you can read a newspaper story about a secret porn shoppe that got busted here in Utah. They came to me for commentary, my stuff's at the bottom.

12/17 - I've said it before, but I'll say it again - me2 rocks! He's out here visiting for the weekend, and he brought us a little Christmas tree and put decorations on it and presents under it and everything! I was going to be a total grinch this Xmas, but thanks to me2, the kids got a tree and presents anyway! Thanks me2! (the other neat thing about me2 visiting is that I get to see what I look like interacting with my kids, because I don't see that except when he's here to take pics of us! So anyway, we're celebrating Xmas a little early at Asia's, but it's better then not at all! In other news, my email has been down for several days now, and not only that, I hear it's been bouncing emails as if I've personally rejected them. It ain't so! It's a server problem and they're working on it, but meanwhile, I apologize for the bounced mails, and I assure you there's no need to get paranoid that I've suddenly started hating you LOL! And finally, just because I'm a proud momma, here's BabyD trying his first ever solid food, and some very cool pics of BabyD the paleontologist! I took those pics during one of my hikes out in the desert - I think he'll really dig those pics when he gets older!

12/07 - I was thinking to myself while hiking with BabyD today, about how wonderful it is that this life insurance policy on Don turned up like a winning lottery ticket, and how weird it was that I STILL can't remember writing that check or filling out the paperwork! (which I'm sure I did, as I always did that sort of thing for us) I have no explanation why there's a complete blank when I try to remember buying that policy... but you know what? It dawned on me today that my "amnesia" is actually the closest thing to a miracle I think I've ever experienced. Because I realized that IF I HAD KNOWN about this policy when Don died, I am almost positive I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY. There are no words for how deep my despair was in the weeks after his death. I was prepared to give babyD to my friends to raise, because I didn't feel up to the task. I just wanted to die, I was so devastated. The ONLY thing that kept me from going to be with Donny was that I couldn't walk away from Catty, leaving her with no family and no money. But if I had known about a life insurance policy at that time, I would have probably sent Catty to live with her aunt & uncle on Donny's side, sent BabyD to my friends, and sent half the insurance money to each family and then gone to be with my husband. I actually turned down a sweet offer from a fan who wanted to buy life insurance for me on behalf of the kids, because I was afraid it would be too tempting to off myself and leave the kids financially provided for. The only thing that kept me going day after day was the belief that without me, Catty would have nothing at all, so it was my duty to fend for her even though I was sure life would never hold any joy for me ever again. As the weeks turned into months, I started to heal, I worked on bettering myself instead of self-destructing, I fell in love with my little boy, and I found out that I can do a pretty good job of solo mothering these two kids even if I do say so myself. And just as I really started believing that yes, I can do this, all by myself, this life insurance policy appears like a rainbow from heaven. And now I fully appreciate it for the blessing it is, which I wouldn't have done 6 months ago! Weird how things work out sometimes, huh? As an atheist, I have to say this must just be an amazing cosmic coincidence, but if you're on good terms with God, tell him the kids and I say thanks! ;o)

12/06 - I was going to wait on this update until I actually had something concrete to tell you, but I can't wait!!! Hang tight, this is gonna be a long one... Ok, first off, I just need to thank everyone again who donated money and giftcards and thoughtful items to help me through the last 6 months. Those gifts helped more than you can imagine, as I got hit with the debts Don left behind, plus THREE emergency room visits and TWO cat surgeries, plus Don's cremation/death expenses... It would have been very, very rough indeed without your help, and I am forever grateful. Things only started to get a little tight financially this month; I got some "2nd notices" on a few bills, but I was hanging tight until the E! special aired in January because I figured that would bring extra traffic and sales and everything would be cool again. Ok... now last month I got a bill from some insurance company I'd never heard of, saying it was "time to renew your policy". It looked like they were talking about life insurance, which made no sense to me; I figured it was either junk mail or some crappy policy you get with a credit card or something, so I tossed it onto my desk to look at later and forgot about it. Yesterday I got another bill from them, saying my "grace period" would soon be up and this policy would be expired, requiring another physical and re-application for the insured party. WTF were they talking about?? I had no clue. I dug up the checkbook records from last year and there it was... "Nov. 7 - Life Insurance" Oh. My. God. I swear on the life of my kids that I do not remember writing this check, but there it was in my checkbook record. It was written right when I found out I was pregnant with BabyD, so I must have just decided in a giddy glow to take care of it myself since Don was strapped for cash at the time (the entry right underneath "Life Insurance" was "Money Loaned to Don", so I did remember THAT part right!) Well, after waiting a whole sleepless night for 6am when the company opened up on the East Coast this morning, I called up and begged them to tell me this policy was good, not expired, that this dream was actually REAL!!! They said yes the policy was still valid, yes it was still in the "grace period", I had called just in time, and they would probably take the late premium out of the payout to keep the policy active while they filed my claim... and that's all I know right now. They wouldn't tell me how much it was for, citing their "privacy policy", but they said paperwork is on its way to me in 10-12 days. I've spent the whole day laughing and crying and just hoping with every fiber of my being that this is real, that this is going to happen for me and the kids! Please please please let this be real!!! I don't care how much it's for, whatever it is, it's more than I had 5 minutes ago, and I will be grateful for it!! And I would gladly give it all up times ten, plus my house and car and everything I own to have my husband back, but since no one can grant me THAT wish, at least let THIS one be granted! Please! Please!! Think good thoughts for me!!! THANK YOU!!! p.s. It was also important to me that I let you all know this news right away because I don't want anyone to make any more donations to me while this is pending. I would never in a million years want to take advantage of the generosity of my fans! But you can still bid on the Playstation3, since that is only just nearing the going rate on ebay anyway! ;o)

12/04 - Just a quick update to say all is well, but I have a to-do list a mile long and I'm scrambling to catch up! Answer emails, open snail mails, send thank you emails, fill web orders, mail orders, pay bills, update bulletin... ok, at least I don't feel like a bad mom sending Catty to the sitter's when I actually get work done while she's gone! (plus Catty likes going to the sitter's because there's a bunch of other little kids there her age who are always happy to see her). BabyD always stays with me, he's a really easy baby, so I can work around him without too much trouble. Ok two things... my gratuitous low-fat cottage-cheese and broccoli quiche picture inspired a lot of requests for the recipe (not sure if it was the presentation or the quiche that they liked LOL!) so here it is as it was sent to me (thanks Bill!). It was very easy to make, but I had to cook it about 15 minutes longer than it said, and I think I would use more oil than just 3tbs in the crust next time. In other news, the XXX version of my Poker Chips have been released. I have a set myself, they are really nice quality. Ok, that's all for now, checking "update bulletin" off the to-do list! Off to go fill some web orders...

11/25 - I actually had a better Thanksgiving than I expected I would! I wasn't planning to do anything at all for turkey day, but when I woke up, I remembered that this one restaurant had a turkey day buffet that didn't cost very much, so I dressed Catty up and she was all proud of how pretty she looked, which made it all worthwhile for me. There's nothing I love more than seeing my kiddos with a smile on their faces! Then just a few hours after we got home, Catty's sitter surprised us by showing up with another whole T-day meal! Catty was in heaven - TWO yummy thanksgiving dinners! Yippee! Of course it wasn't the same as it would have been with Donny here, but I think I handled my first big holiday pretty well, all things considered. :o) And guess what? Just in time for the holiday season, my loyal assistant dictator did a wonderful thing and helped me update my Asia Stuff Page for you guys! Great timing me2, thank you so much for helping out - I don't know that I EVER would have found the motivation to get up and do it myself in time for Xmas! I've got two new movies available, a book, and some of my most popular 8x10's and the Asia statues are finally back in stock! Yay! Surely you know someone who might want some autographed Asia stuff for Xmas... maybe even you? Hey, the money couldn't go to a better cause, right? :O) So please, check it out! And here's to a happy holiday season for everyone!

11/19 - Another day, another mood swing... I feel much better than I did two days ago, thank you to everyone who extended well-wishes and support to me! As the holiday season draws closer I've decided to just ignore the holidays for this year. The kids are too young to notice anything amiss, and it will just be easier for me not to have to fake good cheer during my first holidays all alone. However, because I don't want to grow up to be a bitter and grouchy old woman who hates life, I will take this time to give thanks for the good things I have been blessed with. I am grateful for my amazingly unfailing good health (not counting my recent trip to the emergency room!), and my two snotty-nosed little kids who obviously got their health from Donny's side of the family LOL! I am grateful that despite all the stress and trauma during my pregnancy, I was able to have an easy and relatively pain-free delivery of my baby at home by myself, just like I always dreamed of having. I am grateful for all my friends who come to cheer me up in my chatroom every night, and the women who unfailingly provide love and support to me every day on the ivillage message boards. I am grateful that my kids have my loyal assistant dictator me2 as their godfather because he is a wonderful friend to me and he spoils the kids rotten. And last but not least, I am grateful to all of my friends and fans who sent us donations, books, toys, diapers, giftcards, and many other sweet gifts to help me through these hard times. When I think about how many people have taken the time to send us things to make us smile or to help me be a stay at home mommy to my babies for a few more months, it makes me all choked up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! :*) (now just think, if I can come through the hardest time of my life with a smile and still counting my blessings, just think how many things YOU have to be thankful for!) Hugs to all! :o)

11/17 - Many people have said they are impressed with my honesty as I type my bulletins. I just kind of shrug it off - I'm always honest, that way I never have to cover my a$$ later on, y'know? But maybe now I'm going to be more honest than you'd like to see. Too bad, these are MY bulletins, not yours! ...I'm having a really hard time climbing out of the emotional funk that E! and the E! reshoot put me in. This whole week I've been a complete emotional cripple. I have a to-do list a mile long, so every day I drop Catty off at the sitter's and drive home determined to accomplish at least SOME of my chores... but I come home, look up at Donny's urn on the mantel, and I fall to pieces. This has happened to me every single day this week. I can't get anything done, and I feel guilty because I keep dropping my kid off at the sitter's so I can get work done, but I haven't gotten ANYTHING done! I just come home and CRY! I am pathetic! I wish I could get my shi* together. I did read that the process of grieving and recovery isn't a straight uphill line; it's more of a roller coaster that slowly makes its way uphill eventually, and I guess that's the truth. Because I am having a hard time moving forwards. A really hard time. I just want to down one glass of wine after another, because it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is definitely the front of an oncoming train! I need something to look forwards to, because ironically, even though E! set me back, it was something to work towards, to get in shape for, to look good for. Now that that's done, there's nothing to look forwards to but an endless stretch of sadness and loneliness without my husband. I'm sorry to be such a downer, I DO try to look on the bright side of things most of the time, but sometimes... I'm human and I'm sad, I'm sorry. :o(

11/10 - Boy it's been a busy few days! On Tuesday I had to do a reshoot for E! TV. More soul-searching for the cameras, fun, fun, fun. Then after spending all day away from my babies and not pumping any milk, I wound up with mastitis the next day (clogged milk duct that got infected). I thought maybe it would resolve itself, but around 2am I was throwing up uncontrollably, and so feverish I was rambling, crawling around the floor in circles and asking someone to "please, help me, please..." Of course there was no one there to help me, which was kind of scary. Ok, it was a LOT scary. Finally I got my wits together and called the only person who's number I know, Catty's sitter. And thankfully she came over at 3am and took me to the hospital and watched the babies while I spent a very miserable night in the emergency room. They gave me fluids via IV, ran some blood tests, gave me antibiotics and some prescriptions and released me. The sitter drove me back home and I was much better by the end of the day. But that was a really scary night! I don't remember ever getting SO sick SO fast before, and having no one around to help, and two babies to take care of... yikes! Thank goodness for the sitter! She was a lifesaver, literally! Well after all that trauma got put behind me, it was time for a reward! So... meet MILO!. It's a she, and she's named after the Milo from "Milo and Otis". Catty can't quite say "Milo"; she calls the cat "Meow" LOL!! But both BabyD and Catty love the new kitten very much, and she is already quite at home with our family! Yay! :o)

11/06 - I know Rosie O'Donnell said this same thing on her blog a year or two ago, but I'm going to say it again now - Kirstie Alley lies about her weight! She's always saying she weighs the same or less than me (we got fat and then lost the weight around the same time, so she's been bugging me for about 2 years with this!) I know this is a stupid, petty thing to rant about, but dang, why can't she just be honest about her weight? Here, I'll be honest - I weigh 150 pounds. Yeah that's 15 pounds more than I weighed in my heyday, but I've got giant milk boobies now, and some extra muscle weight from working out hard to shed pounds this past year, so it's not ALL fat! Anyway, Kirstie says she weighs 145 lbs. Granted she's an inch shorter than me, but puh-leeeeeze... here's Kirstie in her Oprah bikini picture next to me in a bikini picture I took a few minutes ago. Take a look. Now how you gonna tell me that woman weighs five pounds less than me?!? There's no way! Grrrr!!! (Yes I know Kirstie is 55, and I know she worked hard to lose her weight, but I just had two babies back-to-back and I've worked hard to lose my weight too!) Bleah! Ok, just had to get that off my chest! (which is plenty heavy enough already, thank you very much! LOL!!)

11/2 - I'm still struggling to get out of the funk that those two days with E! caused me, but my dear friend and loyal assistant dictator me2 came out for the past three days and that helped a lot! He manned the house while I took the kiddos trick-or-treating, and Catty and BabyD were just too cute in their fluffy costumes!! I also took me2 out mountain-climbing with me a couple of times, and he learned the hard way how I got my butt back in shape! Heh! I do wish I had the energy to take care of tasks like getting my merchandise page updated with all the new items I've got waiting upstairs in my inventory room, but E! has knocked me back to the point where I'm just struggling to get through one day at a time again. *sigh* I miss my husband so very, very, very much... there are no words... But I've decided that this weekend I'm taking the kids to the pet store and we will pick out a new kitten to replace our sweet Gorby who passed away a few weeks ago, and I'm very excited about that! I LOVE kittens!! LOVE them!!! I'm hoping a tiny new ball of fur will be just the thing to put me back on the road to waking up with a smile on my face instead of sadness...

10/27 - Ok I just finished shooting 2 days for the E! Channel, and can I say that was the most emotionally gruelling shoot I've ever done. I mean imagine having to relive the most horrible, painful day of your entire life, for two days in a row, with TV cameras and a crew of people watching. Yeah, it was not fun. My brain was screaming at me, "Dammit, I've just spent the last 3 months building up walls around these memories to protect you, and you just tore them all down! Well you're on your own now, buddy!" And it was like all the old wounds had been ripped open again. All the pain that had kind of dulled down to numbness is screaming agony again, every little thing reminds me that yes, this is my life, my husband, my soulmate, my beloved, is gone gone gone... and I had two kids screaming in the car the whole way home from the shoot out at Mile Marker 80 today, as if to rub in the fact that you now have two tiny screaming banshees to take care of instead of your loving husband taking care of you. I've spent much of the last two days crying my heart out. I miss Don so much, it hurts it hurts it hurts... and no I'm not strong, I'm completely brokenhearted and just doing the best I can to make it through each day without my husband. What else can I do? I just muddle on, however I can. Got these two kids to take care of, y'know? The E! show will air in January, the premiere episode of a new series tentatively titled "Boulevarde of Broken Dreams", but that may change. I will keep you posted. And in other news, gambling and poker addicts like me (I am reformed, but still an addict at heart :o) you will be happy to know you can now own poker chips with yours truly on them! All different images and denominations! Check it out! Oh and that dress-voting contest really turned into a contest between boobs and butt didn't it LOL!! I guess in the old days my butt would have won, but now my new mommy boobies have taken the lead! (personally I hate these new massive boobies, they are awfully heavy and make it hard to go jogging!) Here's a pic that may help my butt into the lead again... hehehe! >:o)

10/24 - Bulletin!! Asia just got canned on the NYC appearance! Repeat! NO ASIA IN NYC, SO DO NOT GO TO THE COMIC CON LOOKING FOR ME! Yeah, bummer huh? Ok, not really, hahaha, you know I'm happy I don't have to do a public appearance because they're so freakin' hard on me as a social phobic! I just emailed the E! channel, who is coming to my place here in Utah to shoot me in just two more days, and they said the story will be great even without NYC footage, so all's well that ends well. Comic Con would like to re-book me for their April show, and I said no problemo as long as I get my 50% cancellation fee - they said okeydokey, so we're all square. I apologize to everyone who was going to come to see me in NYC, it's a bummer I got canned, but it's not my fault!! And I was working my BUTT off to get in shape for the show too... I was doing TWO HOURS OF CARDIO A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, CARRYING THE BABY!!! to get in shape for this show. But honestly, knowing how much I hate public appearances, why did I take this gig? Because I needed something positive to focus on, a reason to better myself instead of lying around and feeling sorry for myself after Donny's death. And the money didn't hurt either. So I really got everything I wanted out of the deal, a positive goal and better body, plus 1/2 of the $$$ for doing nothing... that works, huh? Actually I was working so flippin' hard to look good for you guys, I'm actually kinda sad I don't get to do the appearance now! I was busy trying on different dresses and shoes to see what I wanted to wear for the show... no makeup, but I was just checking if my body looked ok... here, I'll let you decide LOL!! black dress, red dress, purple dress. (HEY LOOK! You can vote for REAL on which dress you like, HERE! Thanks me2!) Yeah, it's a pity I didn't get to do that apppearance, huh - I worked my butt off so I wouldn't look like a fat momma who just had 2 kids 17 months apart! Oh well... see you guys at the Comic Con in April, I guess! And wish me luck for the E! cameras coming on Thursday! I'm still nervous about that!!! I will post the air date info here when I find out! Hugs to all! :o)

10/18 - Ok, did I make you wait long enough to tell you what I've got up my sleeve? Hehehe!! I've got another appearance on the E! Network coming up! They're doing a story on me for the premiere episode of a new journalism show they're launching that features "compelling stories" about celebs and such. So they figured the pornstar losing her hubby while 8 months pregnant will make good press. Cool beans - my 15 minutes of fame goes into the 16th minute! Whoohoo! Hey, as long as I'm responsible for these two little babies, anything that sends me traffic and potential website sales so I can make money without leaving my kids is a big YESSSS!!!! in my book! :o) And it also means that those of you who can't make it to my NYC appearance (which I realize is most of you, LOL!) can now watch it on your TV, because E! is not only flying out to my home in Utah to shoot me with the kids, but they're also jetting out to NYC to catch me in my full-on glam getup! So you can see what may be my last-ever public appearance from the comfort of your living room! (which is not to say that anyone who was planning to come to see me in NYC should stay home - I'm ever so much cuter in person! LOL!!) I have been working out SO hard in preparation for E! and my public appearance! I've been eating plain oatmeal and chicken breasts and protein shakes for day after day after day!!! I hope you guys appreciate what I'm going through to look like "the old Asia" instead of "the OLD Asia" when you finally see me again! Hehehe!!

10/07 - Guess what? I have a public appearance booked in NYC, November 17-18 at the Big Apple Comic Book & Sci-Fi Con. I'll be doing 4 hours a day both days (don't know exact times yet, I'll keep you posted) but I don't wanna look like a loser standing there all by myself, so hopefully you guys will come see me and take a polaroid with me or get a signed 8x10! I am busting my butt to get back into shape so I look like the Asia in my 8x10's and not "Big Momma Asia" LOL!! You know me, I never want anyone to be disappointed in me - I'm way too much of a perfectionist! So I'm hauling butt with the kids in their jogging stroller for 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, and following my hubby Don's Know-How diet to the letter. I will fit into my slinky little dresses if it kills me! Yeah I'm nervous, and I still hate public appearances, but I accepted this gig because it gives me something to work towards and better myself for, instead of moping around getting fatter and feeling sorry for myself. I have something else in the works too, for those of you who can't make it to my NYC appearance... but I'm not ready to tell you about that yet, hehehe!! Stay tuned! :o)

09/28 - And here I thought I was on the road to recovery... *sniffle*... Tonight I was out pushing the kids around in their stroller, getting some exercise, feeling good... and I noticed a big new building all lit up in the darkness down the street from our house. It was the Gold's Gym that had been "Coming Soon" even before Don and I moved here almost two years ago. As I walked closer to the gym, I knew I was going to lose it, but I walked up anyway, got as far as the first set of double doors, then had to turn around and push the carriage back out into the parking lot, where I just started bawling. See, when we first moved here, Don was really excited about this Gold's Gym being built right down the street from our house. It was a massive warehouse, and would certainly be made into an awesome gym, within walking distance for us! How convenient! Especially since Don was planning on doing a fitness video with some friends of his, flying people in from all over the states to shoot with him. Only the stupid gym never got built! We waited six months, a year... still the sign said "coming soon" but there were no signs of anything being done to the warehouse. Eventually Don gave up waiting, and he booked his stuff to be shot at other gyms, most notably the Gold's Gym in Las Vegas. And we all know what happened to Don as he commuted the 2 hour drive to Las Vegas for 3 days in a row while working on his video shoot... yeah, he flipped the Jeep and never came home. And now... to see the &#^$@?! Gold's Gym down the street from us open in all its glory just 3 months after Don died driving to a Gold's Gym in Las Vegas... if this stupid gym had opened when they said it would, my husband would still be here. My kids would have a father. Our happy family would still be together. Ugh, I can't stop crying. Excuse me while I go beat my head into the wall for a while... *sob*...

09/18 - I know that some of you out there will be happy to hear this news - I'm off the Zoloft anti-depressant pills. The last few weeks I've been feeling pretty good, but of course I was wondering if it was just the happy pills, or was I actually healing inside? It's kind of unsettling to think your happiness is coming out of a bottle of pills, so I decided to cut back and see what happened. I went from 75mg to 50mg for a week, and nothing happened. I cut down to 25 for a few days - still nothing. So yesterday I just didn't take any, and I guess that's the end of that. I'm a little suspicious as to why I never felt the least bit sad or down while coming off the pills - to tell the truth, I didn't even cry when Gorby died. I guess this whole ordeal HAS made me stronger, because anything bad that happens now just seems minor when compared to losing my husband. Nothing fazes me anymore! I do rely heavily on two tricks that have helped me through depression in the past - get as much sleep as I can, and stay as active as possible. A good night's sleep and/or a nap with the kids, plus taking the kids for walks every day keeps my happy meter on high, naturally. No pills needed! Honestly, I don't think I was taking a high enough dose of the Zoloft to really do much - I think maybe it was more like Dumbo's magic feather to me, as in it worked because I believed it would. I NEEDED to believe those pills worked, because I was in such despair that I was desperate for something, ANYTHING that could help me make it through those darkest weeks after Donny died. So I am glad I took them, even if I only wound up getting sugar pills! Ok here's a few pics to make you smile... "carrot eater", "sucker","Stinky the Cat", and "Thumbsucker". Ok, here's hoping my mood doesn't crash and burn as the last of the Zoloft leaves my system over the next few days!!!

09/11 - Our family keeps getting smaller, but at least Don will have some company in heaven... R.I.P. Gorby, our sweet little kitten has gone to be with Donny. I took Gorby to get his stitches out on Thursday, and I thought all was well, but that night he stopped eating and started puking green bile everywhere, just like when he'd eaten some mysterious black foam that blocked up his tummy. I took him back to the vet the next day, and they kept him overnight and ran some tests. The next day they said he had an obstruction in his gut and they would see what they could do without surgery. Today the vet called and said scar tissue from his surgery has blocked off the smallest part of his intestines, and the prognosis was very poor. They recommended I put him to sleep, so I gave them permission to do so. Good-bye, sweet Gorby, say hi to Daddy for us...

09/11 - Not much to report except that BabyD is getting to that fussy age where he cries for no reason, especially late at night. And I am one very tired and not-too-bright mommy. Today I swerved into a curb and popped a front tire while trying to get my seat belt unstuck. *sigh* Thank goodness I found a nice man at the gas station to change it for me, because I'm pretty helpless when it comes to car stuff! I will be more careful from now on - although I am by nature a careful driver (never got any tickets even driving a Corvette for 6 years) I obviously need to try even harder when I'm low on sleep! Oh, speaking of tired and stupid, I was teaching Catty the different foods tonight, and I introduced her to "eggs". I cracked two open to show her what was inside, then I hopped up and popped them in the frying pan so she could see how they cooked up. When I turned around, I realized I did something very stupid - I left the eggs in Catty's reach. *sigh* Another lesson learned!

Ok... by popular demand, here's some more recent pics of BabyD -
pic 1 and pic 2! See, he's getting cuter every day... although sometimes I still think he looks like Mr. Magoo! Hehehe!!! >:o)

Oh, and also, the buttmunchers over at Paypal have shut down my account because my site has adult content, or because I used to be a pornstar, I don't know, I got a form letter from them about "mature content" and I'm not allowed to use Paypal anymore. I explained my situation to them, and they didn't care. Got another form letter from them saying my case was not open for discussion. So... if you want to donate money to me you'll have to do it through my sales page, or you can use my snail-mail address:
Asia Carrera
875 W Redcliff Dr. #2, PMB 144
Washington, UT 84780
Thanks guys! :o)

09/04 - Happy birthday, Don. Lucky you, you look the same at 38 as you did at 37. You'll always be young and handsome! I wish I could say the same! Today I did something with the kids I never thought I was EVER going to do - we came out visit you at Mile marker 80 on the I-15. I woke up early this morning and felt like coming to see you. So I packed up the kids and headed out before I had time to change my mind. I drank two red bulls and ate a sugar cookie so I'd be well and truly amped, instead of all depressed and driving off the road. Went down to Vegas with the little ones, had to stop at a truck stop to nurse them in a shower stall *blush* then continued on down to Whole Foods. Stocked up on some healthy yumyums, then came back up the I-15 to visit you. Happily, there was no sign of you, or the accident. So it wasn't too scary or depressing. Maybe we'll make this an annual pilgrimage, so you can see how the kids grow up each year. Not that I think you're actually hanging around a stupid mile marker in the middle of the godforsaken desert, but you know, they always say funerals are for the living, and this is no different. Just a fun way for us to remember you. Fun? Yeah, I went to WalMart and got you the tackiest flower arrangement they had. I knew you'd appreciate it. Remember the time we walked by their horrible plastic flowers for funerals and I said "good grief, you better not get any of those for MY grave when I die!! Those are the ugliest things I've ever seen!" Yeah, I got a ring of THOSE for you - I knew you'd appreciate the thought! LOL! And what's in the glass? Yep, some of your favorite tequila! What birthday would be complete without a couple shots of Cuervo? (I'm glad I didn't get pulled over on the way home - "Officer I swear, I'm not Mel Gibson, and that's not my tequila bottle! It belongs to my dead husband! He drank it, not me!!") Well, I doubt the kids had the slightest idea of why Mommy took pics of them at the side of the highway, but I brought them to see you, just in case you can't see them so well from the mantel here at home. Don't say I never did nothin' for ya! Happy birthday honey, I love you forever and for always!! :o)

09/03 - My heart goes out to the wife of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and their two little children. If anyone knows what it's like to lose your husband in the prime of life, leaving you with two little kids who will grow up without a father... *sigh*... I only wish I had Terri's email address, because I know in the days immediately following Don's death the only people it gave me any comfort to talk to were other moms who'd been through the same thing as me. Terri, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you will get through this. You have to, for the kids. And it will get easier with each passing day. Although it won't seem like it for many weeks to come, eventually, it will start to get a little easier every day. I promise you, it will...

9/01 - Well BabyD is officially one month old and all's well. I'm starting to work out a schedule with the kids so there's not so much chaos and crying now. I've even got the breastfeeding worked out so nobody's getting any formula - boobmilk for everyone, yay! I guess my updates will get less frequent now as everything is quiet and there's not much to report. In this case, no news is good news! Oh, BabyD has started smiling at me, which makes him very loveable! Good boy! And Catty is a great mommy's little helper. When the baby cries, Catty goes rushing to the rescue with a binky or bottle! How cute is she?! Here's a picture of poor Gorby's zipped-up belly (warning!! not for the squeamish!!) And finally, here's a rare moment of quiet time in the casa de Asia. (I was lying in the foreground reading the book) And here's a pic I just snapped of the diaper-clad duo five minutes ago! Ok, that's all for now!

8/28 - Poor Gorby, his belly is shaved and he has an ugly gash filled with metal staples holding his tummy shut. It's pretty scary looking. And I just realized that scammer vet is going to make more money because I have to take Gorby back to get those staples out. Grrrr!!! I'm so worn out. Just tired all the time, I can't remember what it feels like to wake up and actually feel good. Every day I wake up and just stay in bed for another 2-3 hours because I don't have the energy to get up and do anything. It's scary to think that I'm on duty - no vacations - 24/7 for the next 18 years. Oh, and the Lil guy needs to start pulling his own weight around here. All he does is shi* and scream around the clock. WTF - he needs to work on being cute or something, some baby smiles would go a long way towards gaining some good will from the momma! Ok, I have actually taken the time to think about things I have to be grateful for... that Donny died very quickly and painlessly... that he didn't take anyone else out with him... that the kids and I are in good health... that my wonderful fans have seen to it that we have money to pay the bills for the immediate future... that Catty likes the baby and tries to help take care of him... so, as crappy as things may be, they could always be worse! I will be grateful for what I have and hope that things just stay as they are so I can cope, one day at a time!

08/25 - Yesterday morning our sweet white kitty Gorby started puking up chunks of black foam all over the house - who knows where he got it from, it kinda looked like he chewed up a flipflop. Today he was still really sick, so I took him to the vet, and they gave him barium to check for an intestinal blockage. Whatever he ate, it's stuck in his gut and they're doing surgery on him as we speak to remove it. You know how much they're charging?? $1300!! (&@!%$*!!! They've got a racket as bad as the mortuary - of course you're going to pay whatever they ask when it comes to a loved member of the family! Grrr!! I even tried explaining to them about my recent situation and asked if they could cut me a break, and they offered me a discount on PUTTING GORBY TO SLEEP!! $55 instead of $85 to kill a member of my family!! ARGH!! So needless to say, I bent over and took one for the team and told them to do the surgery and send me the bill. There's no way I could come home with an empty cat carrier and live with myself knowing I had that sweet little guy put to sleep! This is the second time he's done this though - he had this surgery a year ago when he ate a piece of my breast pump. I need to invent a pool filter I can stick in his throat that will catch offending objects before they get in his gut! He's such a sweet, sweet kitty, he loves to lay on top of the kids when they nurse, and he's been Catty's pal since they were both tiny. He only cost $35 to buy, but now he's the $2500 pedigree kitty after these two surgeries. I can only hope and pray he doesn't do it again!!! This is not a habit we can afford for him to repeat!! Good luck with your surgery Gorby, I hope everything comes out ok!
We love you Gorby!

Update - The doctor called, he got the remaining foam pieces out of Gorby's tummy and he's gonna be ok! I can pick him up in the morning, yay! :o)

08/20 - Ok, this isn't fun anymore... I caught a cold from Catty and I've been sick for the last four days. The first two days weren't so bad, but yesterday I was beyond comatose. I was so worn out my head would spin when I sat still, and my head was so stuffed up I felt like I was wrapped in cotton. But you know there's still the little guy demanding to be fed around the clock, diapers have to be changed, Catty wants me to play with her, dishes need washing, emails need answering... and I'm so exhausted I just want to die. Several times yesterday I just hung my head and said "I can't do this anymore, I can't... I don't want to play this game anymore, I'm so done!!" I really just wanted to give up. I wanted to put the kids outside, close the door, and go to sleep and not wake up. But of course I didn't. I put the baby in the carrier, put Catty in the stroller, and walked a mile to the playground with the kids, because I know that exercise makes happy feel-good endorphins, even when I'm sick and feel like crap. And when I got home, I put the kids to bed and tucked myself in early. And today I woke up feeling SO much better! I vacuumed the house, scrubbed the kitchen floor, and didn't even lose my cool when Catty dumped a box of dishwashing detergent all over the freshly-cleaned kitchen floor. Isn't it weird what my life has come to now? From pornstar to widowed single mom, and you've been here watching the metamorphosis for the last 10 years. Being famous seems like such a distant memory to me now... so it's very surreal to see things like THIS these days. Yep, that's my smiling face on a book cover, coming to all major bookstores near you on September 15th. Or available for pre-order now over at Congrats go out to my friend the author, Gerrie Lim - may your book with me on the cover be your best-selling one yet! :o)

08/13 - Wow, I made it through the week all by myself! Yay me! (my loyal assistant dictator me2 came out last weekend to help with the kids for my birthday, thanks me2!!) This is surely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I get panic attacks when both kids cry at once, especially if I've almost got Catty asleep for the night, then the baby screams and wakes her, then she screams when I go to quiet the baby... ARGH!! The baby also seems to be hitting his fussy, colicky stage WAY before Catty did, where he cries even if he's fed, changed and comfortable. But oddly enough, even when both kids are screaming at 4am and I'm at my most frazzled, I don't start crying or fall apart. I just go into this "Zen mode", take a deep breath, and just do what I can to get through it. Every now and again I'll think of something regarding Donny, like a fun time we had in Hawaii or on Catalina island, and I'll just lose it, bawling over his urn, or hugging his clothes and wailing for what seems like an eternity. But as far as the kids go, I guess I'm holding up ok. Sure I have moments where I think "I can't do this, I can't do this alone, I can't do this by myself for the next 18 years!!!" But I just tell myself to make it to the end of the day, just one day at time, that's all I can do. I don't know if I can do 18 years, but surely I can make it through one more day. I do have some guilt issues that instead of being a great mommy to just Catty, I'm now a mediocre mommy to two babies. Out of necessity I'm having to take shortcuts that I never would have taken with Catty, like I've tried giving lil guy a pacifier, I've propped up his bottle while nursing Catty to sleep (he's right next to me when I do), and pretty soon I'm going to have to *gasp!* start giving him a bottle of formula when my stash of frozen boob milk runs out. (I don't have the time or the milk to pump extra when I'm already nursing two, and when I nurse Catty to sleep I have to give baby a bottle because she can't fall asleep with baby nursing on top of her). Oh and I also feel bad because I always picked up Catty the second she whimpered, but when lil guy cries, I'll be like, "ok, hang on I just need to pee/get Catty a sippy cup/change Catty's diaper/etc..." So I feel like the baby's getting cheated out of a good mommy because I'm not as good with him as I was with Catty. In fact, I'm not as good with Catty as I used to be either, not as much time or patience as I used to have, although I try my hardest. Well there, now you know all my guilty issues and how I'm failing my kids as a parent before they're even old enough to talk! LOL... ok, thanks for listening to me vent! Here's some pics of lil guy sitting up in his chair and he's not even two weeks old yet - getting a kiss from big sister, watching her play, and Catty mugging for the camera.

08/09 - Ok, I'm feeling much better today, Catty slept through the night and Baby only woke up once for a 6am feeding. If every night was like last night, I might actually survive this! So, would you like to see some baby pictures? Too bad, I'm gonna show them to you anyway! Hehe! You know how Catty is like a little mini-me, she has my eyes, my skin, my everything... well baby Donny is a clone of his daddy! It really freaked me out at first to keep looking over at the baby and see Donny's face, but I'm getting used to it now. He's got Donny's same cheeks and mouth and nose and even a little dimple in his chin, plus Daddy's skin tone! Take a look! Isn't that weird, how the girl came out just like Mommy, and the boy just like Daddy? Don would have been so proud to have a boy who looks just like him, how heartbreaking is it that he never got to see his son at all! :*( Ok, more pics... here's the kids watching a DVD together one and two... Here's how we sleep at night (imagine me in the middle - I got up to take the pic, obviously)... The sibling rivalry started very early with these two troublemakers, one and two... And finally, if you're wondering how I have time to update my website or answer emails these days, here is my secret! Just call me SuperMommy! :o) Oh, I want to take a minute to give a very, very heartfelt "THANK YOU" to everyone who donated money to me and the babies - I feel like these photos are for you guys, so you can see where your money is going to! I am going to stretch out every penny I can to stay at home with these two little guys for as long as I possibly can. (yes, I am keeping the baby, or I'm going to try my hardest to make it work, anyway... fingers crossed!!) Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone who has helped make the hardest time of my life a little easier by not having to worry about how I'm going to pay the rent right now with these two little babies and a broken heart to care for.
THANK YOU, from me, Catty and lil baby Donny!!!

08/06 - Happy birthday to me. Not. The baby woke up every hour on the hour last night, and as soon as the sun came up, Catty woke up with him and I had TWO crying babies on my hands. I'd try to get one back to sleep, but it was impossible with the other one screaming its head off, so I'd try to shush the other one, and then the first one would sit there screaming. Now it's the afternoon and they're finally both napping, but I tried to lay down and I just couldn't stop crying. I STILL can't stop crying. I'm overtired and overwhelmed and I know if Donny was here everything would be ok, but he's never coming back again and everything's never going to be ok again. For my birthday all I want is to put my arms around my husband one more time so I can hold on and never let go... Things were going pretty good with the baby for the first few days. I really thought I was going to be able to juggle the two little ones. Now I just don't know. I can't do it if I feel like this every day, I'm just not a good mommy to either baby when all I can do is cry and cry. Oops, gotta go, Catty's up from her nap.

07/31 - Guess who showed up 11 days early? Baby Donny was born at home this morning at 10:35am, to me (all by myself with Catty) after 2 hours of labor. Mommy and baby are doing fine, in fact, I feel great! I was back on my computer 2 hours after the baby was born to let everyone know the news! That is the short version of the story, and usually all that most guys want to hear, LOL! If you want to read the full birth story (and I mean all the ewww stuff that girls talk about and guys run screaming from the room when they hear it) and see some more pics, then you can read the full birth story HERE! Ok, going to try and get some rest now...

oh p.s. I've gotten some emails recently asking where to send donations. If you scroll down to the 6/26 bulletin, it has all the info on how to make donations at the end of it, after a lengthy explanation on why I'm asking for donations. Thanks for your help! {{{hugs to all}}}

07/30 - So I decided to go through Donny's box of "Important Things" that he kept under his desk today. He never let me look in there, just said it was "Important Stuff", but when I'd peek over his shoulder it just looked like junk to me, which I teased him about occasionally. Today I looked through it all, the napkins, the plastic cups, the ticket stubs... they're all mementoes from our very first dates together. He's got the very first flowers I ever gave him in there, all the cards I ever gave him, the scrapbooks I made for him, ticket stubs from our boat ride to Catalina Island where we got engaged... oh, I can't stop crying! He's got a little bunch of my hair from when I cut it off in Hawaii, and press clippings about me that came out while we were together, and all the little love notes I used to tape around the house for him to find. Ugh, my heart is just breaking... breaking... he loved me so much, I loved him so much... living without him is so hard! I'm so miserable!! Baby is due in less than two weeks and I still don't know whether he's going to stay with me or with friends when he gets here. When I think about trying to handle a newborn baby all by myself in a state where I know nobody, plus a very spirited little 1-year old who demands every minute of my time, plus the worst case of post-partum depression known to man, I just fear for the safety of all three of us. It's just too much for one peson to bear. No opinions please, nobody can make this decision but me; nobody knows what I'm going through right now but me. Thank you for your understanding.

07/23 - Just healing, slowly. I have pictures of Donny everywhere, my computer desktop and his, our desks, the urn, even our pillowcases have pictures of us with little hearts that I ironed on ages ago. Every time I see his picture it's like a knife in the heart, but every day I take time out to show Catty pictures of Daddy so she doesn't forget him. Her favorite thing to do is sit on my lap and look at the book I made Donny for Father's Day, which is nothing but pictures of Catty and Daddy. She brings me a little plastic camel when she wants to look at the book, because there is a picture of her and Daddy riding a camel at the circus in there. It breaks my heart to see how much older Catty looks already than she does in her pictures with Daddy, because Daddy's supposed to be here to see her get older, they're supposed to be in pictures together when she starts first grade, when she graduates, when she gets married... Every milestone Catty hits makes me proud and sad at the same time, because Daddy's not here to see it. When she does a new dance move, when she points to a poo flushing down the toilet and signs "Fishy! Fishy!", when she stuffs her face full of cat food and then rubs her tummy, growling "MMmm!MMmm!!"... Daddy's supposed to be here laughing with us. I don't understand why he's not. It's so unfair that this sweet little girl has lost her daddy who loved her so much. Donny, you would be so proud of Catty, she's learning and growing so fast now, and just getting cuter and cuter, every day!

07/19 - Happy 10 year anniversary to my site - am I freakin' old or what? (oh shut up, I'm only 32! LOL!) But cripeys, I've been a webmaster for 10 years now! Ok, I raise a toast to... Don, of course. I miss you like crazy, hon. I love you with all my heart and wish you were here to share this and every other moment in my life with me. XXXOOO Asia

07/17 - Guess what I did this weekend? I decided to cheer myself up by doing a glammed-up photoshoot with Catty! I figured I'd make myself feel better about fat old pregnant me by doing up my hair and makeup and then setting up some lights and putting the camera on auto-timer and posing with Catty. So here we are, the cutest baby in the world, and her 36-week preggo mommy! (where DOES Catty get that super-blonde hair from, anyway??) We had fun shooting, but it was a LOT of work, so don't expect it again anytime soon! :oP

07/13 part 2 - Ok I guess karma had a little bit of a heart with me today. The day started out so crappy, but ended up ok. I took Catty swimming at the lake, where we met a nice mommy with a son the same age as Catty, and she was also a newly single mother who moved from Hawaii to Utah recently, so we had a lot to chat about. That was nice. When I got home, my next door neighbor came over and offered to cut my lawn this weekend! Very cool! And the one thing that always makes me smile is seeing Catty happy, and she's been bombarded with fun toys and gifts from generous fans all week. Tell me this chair isn't the cutest thing ever! And who doesn't remember Mr Potato Head?? Ah, life is so easy when you're small and cute and everyone loves you... I think I'd like to be Catty for a while... wonder if she'd trade with me??

07/13 - Has it really been month since Don died? It still doesn't seem real. And I still can't make it through the day without falling apart a million times. And I'm definitely not looking forward to this baby. Why is every day getting worse instead of better? The house is always a mess, the vacuum cleaner's broken and in the shop, the lawn is a disaster because I can't start the mower by myself, there's clean laundry on the bed that needs to be folded but I'm using Catty's naptime to work on filling website orders which I am also behind on... ARGH!! I'm 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I'm just tired all the time! I want to nap when Catty does, but there's too much to do and I can't get on top of everything, I'm so overwhelmed! Don used to help out with everything, from changing Catty to doing dishes and laundry with me, and cleaning house, we always did it all together so it didn't seem like so much work. Now I'm big as a house and lugging boxes of movies up and down the stairs, dragging the vacuum cleaner to the repair place, trying to figure out how I can mow the lawn... yesterday I nearly threw my back out trying to drain and refill Catty's 12-foot kiddy pool in the backyard because the cover blew off while we were away and the water was all dirty. Ugh, I feel like such a pathetic pity party, but why does everything have to be so @^$#!* HARD??? How many times a day can I think "Jeez, when's Donny coming home already?" and then feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut when I remember he's NEVER coming back to me, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER... *cry cry cry*

07/10 - Hi everyone, just got back from L.A., and home from the airport. Flying alone at 8 months pregnant with a toddler, car seat, suitcase, and carry-on luggage is not a sport I recommend. However the airport made my return flight easy by not sending my luggage or car seat. So I am waiting for them to deliver that stuff to my house tonight. *sigh* L.A. was fun, especially for Catty. She got to go to the L.A. Zoo, a petting zoo, swimming a lot, and she rode horsies and everyone kissed her butt LOL! (that's Uncle Bud, my ex-hubby hanging out with Catty in that pic) Everyone loves Catty, she's so sweet and friendly and gives everyone kisses, so it's hard not to love her! Plus she's adorable, of course! I, on the other hand, was not nearly as fun to be around. I have to give a lot of credit to my loyal friends for hanging out with me, because all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. The scenery may have been different, but Don was still not there, and I was still hurting. Maybe even worse, in fact, because L.A. is where Don and I first met, and everywhere I turned there were reminders of our whirlwind romance, and the intoxicating love spell I fell under when we first met. The walks we took, the stores we went to, the restaurants we ate at, our private wedding up in the mountains of Chatsworth... all of the memories of when we first met came flooding back... can you say bittersweet? Of course I will always treasure those memories, but oh, how it hurts. Everything hurts. Sometimes I'm sure this must be a nightmare I will wake up from soon, because nothing this mind-numbingly horrendous could really be allowed to happen, could it? Could it?? Ugh, my life has turned into one of those stories you read about in the paper and everyone says, "how terrible, glad it's not me" and then they turn the page. How I wish I could turn the page... but I can't! It just goes on and on! *big sigh* Well, on the bright side, I'm home and the cats are well and all the fish are still alive, which is good. Now if the airline will just deliver my *#&%$! luggage, I guess I can call it a day.

07/02 - So much for feeling better, I guess I'm having a relapse, Zoloft or not. My throat is sore from all the loud crying I've been doing the last couple days. I tripped a bit carrying Catty down the stairs and my only thought was "darn, almost". I just miss Donny so much I can't stand it. It hurts, everything hurts, waking up hurts, going to sleep hurts, looking at his desk hurts, seeing his clothes in the closet hurts, looking at all the days of the rest of my life without him hurts. I spend each day just looking at the clock and seeing how many more hours and minutes I have before I've made it through another day in hell without him. There is no joy in living, no joy in the future, nothing to look forward to. And before one more person says it, I'm just going to be flat out honest here - no, I am not looking forward to this baby. Not at all. All the excitement over having Don's baby disappeared the moment he did. In fact, I am dreading having any more to deal with in my life right now. It's all I can do to get through each day with Catty without losing my mind. Do I want to have a newborn baby to handle on top of everything, all by myself, in my physical and emotional state? Hell no. Maybe I will feel differently when the baby gets here, but that's how I feel now. Right now I do not feel like I will make a very good mother to this baby. I feel sorry for him having to be born to a mother who is going to cry at his every milestone instead of being happy, because Daddy's not there to see and share it with me. I have good friends who very much want this baby, and they have taken steps to make it happen if that's what I want (they wouldn't even change baby Donny's name). I have NOT decided anything yet, but it's at least a small comfort to know that I have a very good home for the baby if I feel like I just can't do this. Please respect my wishes when I say this is a very personal decision and I don't want anyone's opinions on this. I know the grieving books say to wait 6 months to a year to make any big decisions, but unfortunately I can't wait that long since he'll be here in 6 weeks. So I will just have to see how I am doing as the weeks pass. Trust me, I won't make any rash decisions, that's not my nature. Anyway, that's how my miserable life stands right now. Tomorrow, Catty and I are flying out to LA to stay with my ex-hubby Bud for a week, and see some old friends who haven't met Catty yet. Maybe that will cheer me up a little. I'll be back next Monday. Hugs to all.

06/30 - Zoloft is great. I did my own research online, found it was safe for me and baby, so I ordered some online without a prescription. I am taking what I believe is the lowest dose, 25mg a day, but it is working. I am so grateful this stuff exists. I have been through a lot in my life, from manic depression as a teen, to social phobia, clinical depression, and extreme co-dependancy as an adult. But I always dealt with things on my own, never wanted to take pills to "fix" anything... but this time it's different. This time it's not just about me - I've got this little girl who needs a functioning mommy to take care of her, and an unborn baby who needs mommy to take care of herself and get enough food and rest. So this Zoloft stuff is great. I am functioning. To an outsider, I am functioning pretty much like the old me, I guess. On the inside, I am numb a lot. Which is good, because when I cry over Donny's urn, Catty gets upset. She tries hard to push me off the urn, then she gives me a kiss and does the sign for "milk". I think it's because when Catty's upset, SHE asks for milk to comfort her, so in her little one-year old mind, if Mommy's crying, then maybe milk will comfort her too. Catty is great. She's my sunshine, my world, my reason for getting out of bed each day. If I didn't have her... well, let's not go there. Anyway, here's a pic of one reason why Catty makes me smile - somebody sent her some stickers to play with, and look where she stuck them! Aw! Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. 6 more weeks until Baby Donny comes out to play... am I nuts for thinking I can handle two kids on my own? Yeah, probably, but tell me again what my options are? I don't think people get through catastrophes like this because they are strong, it's because they have no choice. Well I don't, anyway. Catty has never even had a babysitter. She's never slept in a room by herself. She needs me, and I have to be there for her. That's all there is to it.

06/26 - Today was a pretty good day. It's a little after 9 pm and I haven't even cried yet today. That's a first so far. I was able to take Catty out to do some stuff today because my loyal assistant dictator bought Catty a dvd player for the car. She loves it - thank you me2! Ok, since I am not going to vent about anything today, I will explain why I am asking for donations.

I know the media made me out to be this financial wizard, and I guess I WAS, at one time. When I was around 27, I had a lot of money invested in the stock market. I had almost enough to buy a nice house in LA for cash, which is a lot of money for a 27-year old kid to have saved up. But then came the tech collapse, the stock market tanked, and I lost half my savings overnight. I was sick about it, but I know bigger and better people than me got burned, so what could I do? All I could do was keep working and keep saving.

But then came another knockout punch, my boyfriend of 5 years got deported back to England, and my world just fell apart. I suffer from extreme co-dependancy, in addition to social phobia, so I was trapped at home alone with my overwhelming grief. I worked just enough to pay my bills and keep travelling to England every few months to see my boyfriend, and I saved nothing. In fact, I am ashamed to admit, I developed a terrible online gambling addiction, and blew through half of my savings yet again, over the next two years. I never cashed out, because I didn't want to stop gambling - then I would have to feel my loneliness and despair! There were days I wouldn't even get out of bed because I couldn't see any reason to. The rest of the time I spent gambling and blowing my savings.

Then I met Don... and everything turned to sunshine in an instant, I was so freakin' happy every day! We were SO in love, SO fast, it was a true fairytale come to life! He moved in after two weeks, we were engaged after a month, married at 3 months, moved to Hawaii and got pregnant 3 months after that. The happiness just never stopped, it seemed too good to be true! Well, I guess it was... *sigh* ok, where was I...

So anyway, I kicked my gambling addiction after I met Don, because I didn't need that emotional crutch anymore now that I had him. But all I had left was 1/4 of the savings I'd had before the market crash, and I used that to put a down payment on this house when we found out I was pregnant. So the last of my money went into this house. I make a little money off the site each month, but that was just "fun money", to buy toys for Catty and stuff, not enough to pay the bills. Don paid all the bills, and he was happy to do it. He never wanted me to go back to porn, he wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to be a loving fulltime mommy to his babies.

However Don had nothing in the bank either. He was a "live for the moment" kind of guy, he figured "it's just money, I'll make more" and he didn't really talk to me about what was up with the finances. And I didn't ask because it wasn't my business. I was happy to just worry about the babies and not money for the first time in my life! But when I asked him about life insurance and even got the forms for him, he put them aside on his desk and said he'd take care of it when business picked up a little. And of course, as you now know, he never wound up getting any.

Bottom line, I'm scared because we have nothing in the bank. And if you ever read my essay on "Why I Did Porn" on the bio page, you know that when I ran away from home I had nothing at all, and did things I didn't want to do just so I could eat and have a place to sleep. And I have had a deep-seated fear ever since of being put back in that position. Having kids to worry about now only makes it worse! I don't want to be standing on a street corner with two babies, begging for money!! I just don't have the "everything will work itself out" mentality, because I've BEEN on that street corner with nothing, and it is an experience I am terrified of repeating!!

Ok, so there you have it, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, the whole reason why I'm asking for donations from you, my loyal fans. And I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has helped me out so far, with donations, kind words, Walmart giftcards, baby clothes, books on grieving, and talking to me in the chatroom. All of it, every bit of it is SO appreciated, thank you thank you thank you. Ok, guess I'll wrap this all up with another reprint of the donation info in case anyone missed it: (yes, it is totally humiliating for me to ask you guys for money, but when I look at Catty and my 8-month pregnant belly, I just feel so scared for the future! ARGH!!)

There's a spot on my sales page where you can donate up to $500. And for those who requested a snail-mail address, here you go:
Asia Carrera
875 W Redcliff Dr. #2, PMB 144
Washington, UT 84780

Thanks everyone, for all your support, you've been SO good to me the past two weeks!! I love you guys!

06/23 - I have gone from the world's best mom to the world's worst mom in no time flat. I tried to run errands with Catty for the first time today, and I just wanted to beat my head into the steering wheel and cry after every stop. Don and I were extremely co-dependant. We did everything, EVERYTHING together. Don worked from home, so he was always here to help with Catty, and we'd run errands together every day, sometimes twice a day or more. I have never, EVER gone to the store with Catty all by myself. In fact, I haven't even driven in over a year, maybe two. Don always drove us everywhere. When we drove, I'd entertain Catty. When we were at the store, Don would push the cart and get groceries, and I would entertain Catty. If we went to the post office, Don would stand in line and I would entertain Catty. Bottom line, parenting was easy because there were always two of us, one to handle whatever, and the other to watch or carry Catty. Now it's just me, and Catty is not a happy camper. She screamed in the back of the car the whole time I was driving today, and I'm rusty enough at driving without trying to entertain a bored and miserable baby at the same time. I stood in line at the post office and she alternated between running rampant and screaming to be picked up - I can't hold her the whole time, I'm 8 months pregnant. I tried to talk business with Don's accountant, and Catty tore up his office because she was bored and wanted to explore. I'm losing my mind, it's like I have to learn how to be parent from scratch, with this curious little girl who used to be encouraged to check everything out, and now she's getting shouted at for it. Poor Catty cried so much today, and it's all my fault. She doesn't understand why mommy can't entertain her like she used to, and why mommy is being so short-tempered with her... my heart is breaking for Catty, but I'm just trying to get through my day without falling apart in front of people. This is so hard, I've never done anything without Don, and now I have to learn to do EVERYTHING without him... I can't even handle one kid without messing everything up, let alone two! My life has become such a nightmare, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up... no, not literally, I wouldn't do that, but you know what I mean... I need my Donny back, I NEED HIM I NEED HIM PLEASE!!! :*(

06/20 - Don's family ran an obituary for him in their hometown paper back in Ohio. They are getting some of his ashes to put in the family plot with his father, Donald Lemmon Sr, who he loved and missed very much. The rest of Donny is here on my desk, in this box. My husband is in a box. For the rest of my life, I have to kiss a small wooden box good night... *crycrycry* I am alone today, for the first time since Donny died. I've taken everyone to the airport and all is quiet now. I have someone coming up from Vegas tomorrow to stay a few days, and my loyal assistant dictator is flying in this weekend, but right now I am all alone with Catty, and I am just overwhelmed. Catty is such a smart little girl, she wants me to play with her and keep her occupied every second of the day. I just want to sit at my computer and keep my mind busy so I don't have to think about the pain of missing my Donny. I don't want to play with Catty at all, let alone all day, every day, like I used to. I suck. The poor kid has no father, and now she barely has a mother. I can hardly function, I've lost so much weight, I'm not getting hardly any sleep, I am depressed about having a baby on top of all of this... god, I was so excited about this baby 2 weeks ago, now I hope it never comes. When it kicks, I think "go away!". I can barely function enough to handle Catty, how will I be able to handle two babies?? How will I find the time to work on Don's business or do anything at all for myself with a newborn and 17-month old baby to take care of all by myself around the clock? Ugh, as I am typing this, Catty has just found a bag of trail mix and dumped it all over the carpet and spread it everywhere. I knew she was being too quiet for too long. Donny, please, please... give me strength, I am so lost without you...

06/18 - For Father's Day I had this beautiful hardcover book printed up with huge glossy photos of just Don and Catty; it had all our favorite pics of them together, from her birth, from Hawaii, our hikes, them playing together, reading, taking a bath, everything. I had captions written on every page about what a wonderful daddy he was too. The book was just so gorgeous that when it arrived in our mailbox 2 weeks ago, I started dancing around and asked if I could give it to him early. He laughed and said yes, and we went through the book together, page by page. He was crying by the second or third page, it was just the sweetest thing. Donny put the book on his desk and flipped through it every day because it made him smile. Just think, if I'd waited until Father's Day to give it to him, he never would have gotten to enjoy it. Now it's Catty's favorite book. Every day I take the book down from Donny's desk and read it to her, and she points at every page and shouts "Dadn! Dadn!" and gives him kisses. She makes me read it to her again and again, and she cries when I put it back up out of her reach. The gift I put together so lovingly for Donny turned out to be the best gift I could ever give to Catty. A keepsake so Catty will always be able to look and see just how much her Daddy loved her when he was alive.

I hope you all have a better Father's Day than I do. I think I will hate this holiday for the rest of my life.

06/17 - Donny's home. He's in a wooden box carved with pineapples on it, to remind us of the happy times we spent in Hawaii. I cried, I screamed, I sobbed, I held onto the box for ages and just wailed over it, but eventually a peace came over me, like I felt his arms around me. And I calmed down, and we had a quiet talk together. He told me he was glad to finally be home, and I told him I was glad he was home too, however I could get him. Then I printed out a picture of Daddy and Catty and stuck it to the box, and called Catty in to give her Daddy a kiss. Funny thing is, she didn't kiss the picture - she kissed the box. And when I told her to give Daddy another kiss, she kissed the box again, not the picture. Like she knew he was in there, and she was glad he was home too... I'm glad Donny's home. I missed him. Welcome home, Donny I love you.

06/16 - Here is a copy of Don's obituary that's running in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. It does seem woefully inadequate, but I wasn't feeling my most eloquent when the guy was asking me questions. I tried to get prescribed for anti-depressants yesterday, but the doc would only give me mind-numbing tranquilizers and I don't want to be stupid so I wouldn't take those. I asked again for antidepressants and he said he wouldn't provide those to me while I was pregnant/breastfeeding, so I left with nothing. I think I will try another doctor, because I have done the research now and Zoloft seems to be safe enough. Today's the day the coroner people are delivering Don's ashes. It's not a good day. I'm going to lose my mind when they hand me my big strong handsome husband in a tiny little wooden box...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has donated some money to us. Every little bit helps. At least I don't have to worry about trying to get a job at almost 8 months pregnant right now, and I can concentrate on grieving and trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my life... *sigh* This is all so hard, the hardest thing I guess anyone ever goes through, huh. If I didn't have sweet little Catty's smiling face to wake up to every day, I swear...

Anyway, there's a spot on my sales page where you can donate up to $500. And for those who requested a snail-mail address, here you go:
Asia Carrera
875 W Redcliff Dr. #2, PMB 144
Washington, UT 84780
Thank you everyone, for making me feel like a little piece of Don has touched all of you and will live on in our hearts forever. God, I never thought I'd be writing words like these, I can't believe this is my life. What did I do to deserve this?? What did Catty and baby Donny do to deserve growing up without ever knowing a father who loved them so very much?? *cry cry cry*

06/14 - Talked to the mortuary people about writing up the obituary (how do I fit a life as full and wonderful as Don's into just a few short sentences? The obit will be woefully inadequate I'm afraid, esp given my weak state of mind when he was asking me questions. But it will have to do, I guess.) When I looked at the prices for urns and keepsake jewelry for the loved one's ashes, I fliped out at the prices. Did you ever see "The Big Lebowski", where they want to bury their buddy Donny (!) but everything is just so expensive they wind up putting his ashes in a Folger's coffee can and tossing them off a cliff. I was pretty close to doing that myself... $220 for a little gold locket, $470 for a small wooden jewelry box... jeez, kick 'em while they're down, why don't ya... I finally settled on a green and brown box with wooden pineapples carved into it, to remind us both of the happy times we shared in Hawaii. Maybe when I die, one of our kids can spread our ashes out together in one of the KoOlina lagoons in Hawaii. If I do have and keep this baby in my belly (I was contemplating adoption at a forlorn moment of despair) I am thinking I want to change the baby's name from Devin to Don. He will be Donald Edward Lemmon III in respect to his father and grandfather, who Don loved very much. It's the least I could do. I feel like it's going to be a long long time before I can get through a day without collapsing in tears about every half hour. I hear it does get easier... doesn't feel like it yet though.

06/13 - There will not be a funeral or services for Don. I am having him cremated and his ashes sent to me. I want to keep him in my house, close to me, where I can talk to him and feel him nearby. I have not contacted the press about his death, nor do I plan to. That is really the last thing I want to deal with right now. If you feel a pressing need to confirm his death for yourself, you can call the Clark County Coroner's office in Las Vegas and ask about my husband, Donald Lemmon. I am not going to post the phone number on here because they already called once yesterday asking who "Asia Carrera" was (they only had my birth name on file) and why they were getting so many calls about my husband. Thank you to all my fans who are supporting me through this, you mean more to me than you will ever know.

06/12 - Trying to pull myself together and take care of business today, put Don's bank accounts on hold (his ATM and credit cards are impounded with the destroyed vehicle and I don't know who can get to them), talked to some of his business partners about trying to keep his business continuing without him somehow, and I made a down payment on a nice little used car with a new car seat for Catty so we can get around town and try to take care of things the best we can. I'm using the money in the paypal account to buy this car, so I thank each and every one of you who donated money from the bottom of my heart. Please, if you can spare it, I have no pride, I'm scared and I'm asking for your help - please donate a lot or a little to me, Catty, and my unborn son Devin, due August 11th. I'm so scared that I won't be able to handle this newborn baby all by myself, along with Catty... I'm socially phobic, living alone in a state where I know nobody, afraid to leave the house by myself, without Don... every day is going to be such a huge struggle for the rest of my life. God this whole thing just breaks my heart, what happened to the perfect family I had a week ago? I was so in love, I woke up each day grateful to have such a good life, and in an instant... it's all gone. Don, I miss you, I need you, I don't know how I'm going to do this alone... *cry cry cry*

06/11 more - I asked Bud & friend to stop at the Clark County Coroner's office on the way here from LA as they pass through Vegas, to pick up Don's belongings and anything from the truck... they were told that the truck was strewn over 300 yards, wheels here, axle there... he rolled across so many lanes the truck was just disintegrated... there was an RN (registered nurse) in the car behind him, she tried to help Don, but there was nothing she could do. I can only hope it means he died quickly and maybe painlessly? It just breaks my heart to see Catty's smiling face now, knowing she has no daddy... I show her pictures of Daddy and say "who's that, Catty?" and she shouts "Dadn! Dadn!"... I'm going to have to do that with her every day so she never forgets her daddy. Oh please give me the strength to get through this, somehow... we had no life insurance, I have no car now, no job, no income, I'm pregnant, I have a one-year old baby... this is not how my life was supposed to go. What wouldn't I give to go two days back in time and just hold Don again and never ever let him go...

06/11 - ...and the fairy tale comes to an end. The police just left my house. Don was driving home from a business meeting in Las Vegas, and he got into an accident and rolled the Jeep. He's dead. He's never coming back to me. My husband, my soulmate, my other half, the one I was meant to grow old with. I'm almost 8 months pregnant with a son he will never get to see, and I have a one year old daughter who will never be able to remember anything about her father... and he was such a GOOD father to her, she was such a daddy's girl you wouldn't have believed it! Now she'll just have to take my word for it when I tell her how much daddy loved her, because she's too young to remember him for too much longer. Oh god, how that breaks my heart. How am I going to go on without him? How am I going to get a job at almost 8 months pregnant, with a one year old baby??? I couldn't go back to porn even if I wanted to, I'm much too huge. My ex-hubby, Bud Lee, is driving out here in the morning with another good friend of mine, and they are going to help me get through this. Somehow. If anyone wants to make a charitable donation to a pregnant widow who doesn't know how she's going to raise these two babies on her own, there's a spot on my sales page where you can donate up to $500. I trust that no one out there is heartless enough to misuse that email address at a time like this. Oh god how I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. My life went from being a dream come true to hell on earth in just an instant. Please keep me in your thoughts and send me strength! I've got to get through this for my two little babies, otherwise I swear I'd have nothing to live for anymore. But I have no choice, I will do the best I can for Catty and Devin, somehow, some way, I must...

05/07 - It's amazing how low-stress my life is now! It's a complete 180 from my life 3 years ago, and it's sooooo wonderful!! I never have to count down the days to any dreaded public appearances or show up late to work because I'm too afraid to leave the house. No more pulling all-nighters because I have to work all day AND all night to get things done. All I have to worry about now is keeping this little girl of mine happy, and it's such an EASY job!! And I LOVE it!! Of course I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant with baby boy Devin, but I still manage to stay pretty active, like taking Catty for bike rides to the playground every day! We also take Catty out to eat her favorite foods and we even let her play ball in the house! Yeah, all in all, I'd say this is one happy little girl, and I'm so excited that in just 3 months we get to add another baby to the mix! I may have been good at being a pornstar, but being a mommy is SO much more fun and rewarding!! Every day I look at this little girl and she just makes me glad to be alive! Being a mommy is the absolute BEST!! :o)

04/17 - Yay for Catty! She won TWO prizes in an online baby photo contest! She won 3rd place in two different categories - "Best Captured Moment", and "Best Seasonal Photo"! Yippee! Mommy's so proud of her "Little Miss Photogenic"! (I had to laugh at the photo that won 1st place for "Best Captured Moment" - can you imagine actually having to PAY for a picture like that?? LOL!!) Catty's winning pics HERE! (scroll down, she's bottom of first column and last column!) In other news, there is no news! This Friday I will officially be 6 months pregnant, and all's well! I guess when it comes to pregnancy, no news is good news until the baby arrives, huh!

04/02 - Hey, you guys wanna see the cutest pics ever? Ok, they're not THAT cute, but there's a certain nostalgic value to these pics... I asked my mom to send me a couple of baby pics so I could see what I looked like compared to Catty at the same age, and she actually sent me a whole bunch of my baby pics! Do you wanna see some?? Ok, don't laugh, here's baby Asia, back in 1974... pic 1, pic 2, pic 3, pic 4. Pretty funny, huh? And although Catty has my eyes and little button nose, she's much cuter than I was, because she's chubbier with longer hair and just a sweeter face all-around, I think! But of course every mommy thinks their baby is the cutest in the whole wide world, so I guess my opinion doesn't count for much, huh! LOL!!

p.s. Someone requested that I do a side-by-side comparison of me and Catty at the same age, so I did - here it is! As you can see, Catty is much chubbier than I was, but we have dark almond-shaped eyes, a little button nose, and a uniquely-shaped upper lip. Yup, that's my baby! :oD

02/27 - I guess I should update so you know I'm still alive... but I have nothing to say! The pregnancy is going along well, I can't complain! I have very easy pregnancies! I got hit with some heavy fatigue entering the second trimester, but that's to be expected when your body says "nap!", yet you've got a one-year old to take care of all day! I have been taking very good care of myself though, eating VERY healthy and hiking 4-5 days a week. Last pregnancy I put on a pound a week every week (I gained 40 pounds in all! Ugh!) but this time I'm 16 weeks and haven't gained an ounce yet! Yay! I have dreams of being back to my pre-pregnancy weight 2 weeks after having the baby, but we shall see... 4 more weeks and I'm half way there! Meanwhile, Catty is just too freakin' cute for words. She's going to turn one year old on March 4th! Can you believe it! One year old already!! She's just starting to walk now, like 6-8 steps at a time, and she dances whenever we play music, and she knows LOTS of sign language! We've been teaching her signs since 6 months so she would be able to communicate with us before she could speak, and sure enough, the only thing she can say verbally is "hi", but she uses her hands to ask for "milk", "water", food", and she also signals other requests, like playing with the fish, petting the cats, or getting a diaper change. It's so neat to be able to communicate with such a tiny little person! Catty's so smart and SO much fun, Don and I can't tell you how excited we are to have another little miracle on the way! We can't wait to see our "little people" playing together in another year or so! Becoming a parent is the best thing I've ever done - I highly recommend it! :0)
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