Monday, April 9, 2007

The Shawshank Suspension

Just like Andy Dufresne I as well have been unfairly sentenced, but instead of life in prison from a judge in Maine the Gawker courts laid down a three day suspension which prevents me from posting until tomorrow. So when trying to decide on who would be the perfect replacement to keep this site streamlined and on topic for a native "raised Irish Catholic now agnostic Midwesterner" that moved to New York City three years ago it was overwhelmingly obvious to choose an Orthodox Jew that has lived in New York her entire life. The views and opinions expressed below are those solely of Magic Jewball inc. and are not necessarily those of this site.

Hey, it’s Becca from Magic Jewball here. Why? Because Mid can’t blog. I have him tied up in my basement. He’s right next to the Clinton-era monitor that the super seems allergic to actually putting out on the street. No, seriously, it’s because Gawker told him not to. Now that I think about it, the first scenario actually seems more logical. But really, I think I’m just jealous. See, I can’t even get Gawker to look at my blog. It’s gotten so bad that when I guest-blogged on ThisIsWhatWeDoNow, they chose to link to the guest-post right before mine. I mean, I realize in being a steady Gawker reader that Jews are over but come on!

I know, it seems pathetic to want to be featured on something that combines the word blog with uncontrollable evacuation, but I long to wake up one day and see that sweet, sweet spike in my stats program that means either I got the Gawker nod or that I wrote something so wonderful about Macs that I’ve been Dugg by 3,000 fanboys. So I’ve tried to come up with some reasons why Gawker has snubbed me.

1. No gimmick, such as being all about Duane Reade hate or pretending I’m Jewish when I’m not.

2. Not enough descriptions of fancy drinks, sex acts, and/or hip clubs.

3. Not enough lists (I’m thinking this won’t count).

4. Upper West Side bias (remember, the Jews are over).

5. Maybe I just suck.

6. Maybe I don’t suck enough.

At first I thought shutting up and pretending not to notice would do the trick but then I saw others wave their hands in the air and yell “Me Me Me!” and it would work. Or, new blogs would appear (coughthisonecough) and immediately get the link. As I sat home and cried, I tried to console myself with the fact that Blogorrhea is often not all that complimentary. But I wanted to be insulted and banned from blogging by Gawker! I’ve even done the same thing as Mid here and I got to keep my $37.75. Without Gawker telling me I’m full of clich├ęs, how am I ever going to learn how to blog about New York City in the proper fashion? Come on, Gawker Media, how many Wonka bars do I need to open to get the golden ticket? I mean, I’m already #2 on the MWiNYC commenter rankings, what more proof of my worth do you need?

But enough about me. Maybe I should let Mid out of the basement. And while we’re at it, perhaps if everyone would bribe him with $5 to move up the commenter rankings we could get this whole Gawker fine straightened out. Sadly, he didn’t give me the password to get in here so I can’t put a PayPal widget in his sidebar. But I’ll cover the last $2.75. And people think Jews are cheap!

And now, back to my matzah and sad, sad rankings bar graph.


Anonymous said...

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

Coach Greening said...

I love matzah!!

Jeff said...

What's Gawker?

Midwesterner in NYC said...

What's Gawker?

Really? That's like asking what is "pop-o-matic".

Jeff said...

Oh, you mean that site on the interwebs. I think I've heard of it.

Benjamin Kabak said...

I have a sinking suspicion you took Gawker way, way too literally.

Fight The Man!

Midwesterner in NYC said...

I have a sinking suspicion you took Gawker way, way too literally.

You may be right... yep that's it. This was not an excuse at all to not have to write something on the night of the Soprano's and Entourage premieres...

rob said...


Benjamin Kabak said...

Oh you people and your HBO.

Midwesterner in NYC said...


I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

boggs said...

it's about time a sista gets some airtime on this blog!!

Kelsi said...

"This was not an excuse at all to not have to write something on the night of the Soprano's and Entourage premieres... "

Where is your dedication? And just for the record I had no clue what Gawker or pop-o-matic was until this morning.

Becca said...

What's the Sopranos?

Midwesterner in NYC said...

What's the Sopranos?

Thats like asking what's "square pegs"

Irish and Jew said...

Jew and I used to yearn to get gawkered. Then we realized the obvious negatives of being bashed (we like the love) and/or being discovered by you're co-workers. The ladder is my biggest fear. But Becca I wish you luck!!


PS: Jews are so over... I tell my roomie that every day. Actually I caught her reading one of my Cath books this past Easter Weekend and I'm thinking she wants to secretly convert.

Steve Stewart said...

Hey Patton,
Where's the obligatory bottle of suds comment?
Lifelong agnostic midwesterner living gleefully in the midwest

Becca said...

Come on, Square Pegs is a classic! I'll always envy Muffy for having Devo at her Bat Mitzvah.

Thanks, Irish. And in my next life, I'm SO going for Zoroastrianism. Good v. evil is so me.

Todd said...

I'm confused. I'm also intoxicated. The two are not mutually exclusive.