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Nothing funny about being famous
65 Comments
Joe Hildebrand
Friday, June 01, 2007 at 08:48pmWE ARE all put here to be tested. Our courage, patience and virtue must all submit to the endless trial of existence.
The point is that life is hard enough without having to deal with professional retard and gurn monkey Adam Hills, whose presence was made known to me this week.
Like many 12-year-olds, Adam Hills has a MySpace site which he uses to promote himself shamelessly.
At least emos have the decency to hate themselves.
But Adam Hills is no emo. He is a comedian, as his site explains:
"Adam Hills is one of Australia’s most talented and widely respected comedians. His solo shows have seen sell-outs at the Adelaide Fringe, Melbourne Comedy and the Kilkenny Cat Laughs Festivals. He is a regular at the Montreal Just for Laughs Comedy Festival and was the first Australian to appear at the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen in 2005.
"However it is at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival that Adam has truly made his mark. Three times nominated for the Perrier Award, winner of the Nokia Orange Best of the Fest Award in 2002 and the Forth One Fringe Award in 2003 – Adam has become one of the hottest attractions at the Fringe.
"In Australia, Adam can be seen each week hosting the music quiz show Spicks and Specks on the ABC and his British TV credits include Never Mind The Buzzcocks, The Charlotte Church Show, Live At The Comedy Store and Mock The Week."
If you’re thinking there’s something odd about this dazzling CV, allow me to give you a clue: It’s not funny. And the thing is that a comedian is supposed to be funny, as it would have said in the job description for the position for which Hills is apparently applying.
There is also another lesson here: Going around telling people you are famous does not make you famous.
I know this for a fact because I am constantly telling people how famous I am and they never believe me.
You see, being famous is not about having a healthy ego or oodles of positive thinking or your own MySpace site. It’s about having a massive picture of your head at the top of a newspaper page with your name next to it in giant letters.
A lot of people don’t understand this and that is why they invented Big Brother. That way everyone can pretend they’re famous for a little while before going back to making coffee and hosting pub trivia nights.
Of course one of the side effects of being famous is that you suddenly think you got smarter because people are looking at you. Botanists call this phenomenon spazmosis. Canny observers might notice the condition in pub quizmasters, who have that smug look on their faces because they know all the answers to the questions and then they mispronounce the word "dugong".
Of course those still stuck in the Big Brother house do not know such things. They don’t know about anything occurring in the outside world such as, to pick a random example, their father dying of cancer.
Coincidentally, someone in the Big Brother house did have a father who died of cancer while she was inside and nobody told her. This was in case she was affected by the shock not just of learning that her father had died but of learning anything at all.
Instead, keeping Emma Cornell’s feelings firmly in mind, the producers decided to keep it as a surprise for when she got out. Presumably there will be balloons.
Another person going to a big house is Paris Hilton. She has been sent to jail just because she is famous, which sets an encouraging precedent but doesn’t solve the problem of who’s going to feed the cats.
Even so, like many other right-thinking Americans I feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea of Paris bolted up in H-division playing Midnight Special on a harmonica.
We are seeing something similar in the form of socialite Charlotte Lindstrom, who faces a possible jail term for allegedly trying to hire a hitman to murder a couple of witnesses. This also seems unfair. Put simply, good-looking people should not have to go to jail.
Speaking of which, Bryon’s housemate Jane was looking very hot on Saturday night so I was shocked to discover this piece ofinformation.
"Jane loves Adam Hills," Bryon said. "In fact she just loves anything the ABC throws at her. She probably likes Peter Berner too."
"I didn’t know she took ketamine," I said.
"That’s the strange part," said Bryon. "She doesn’t."
We live in challenging times.
Ed’s note: It came to our attention at press time that News Online columnist Stephen Corby had written a piece also raising questions about Adam Hills. This is known as a "spate" of columns and means Hills is officially famous. Hence the preceding 800 words are redundant.
The author has been warned in the past about using colourful language and coming to work without pants on and unfortunately we have no recourse but to expel him from the paper. From next week this column will be written by Adam Hills, one of Australia’s most talented and widely respected comedians.
A token protest at modern life
BRYON’S CD OF THE WEEK: Tokens II, Greg Smith and The Tokens.
LOW-FI came and went and came and went but it’s back – to stay – with Sydney alt-folk outfit The Tokens’ second helping Tokens II.
This North Sydney septet undercut pop music’s current fixation on change with a much-needed reminder that nothing beats three chords, a little harp and a whole lotta heartbreak.
Home recording telltales make no pretension and shine through proud in this grab-bag of worn-in tunes recast with fresh feeling – excess reverb, sometimes sketchy timing, the odd bit of living room clatter.
But that’s just the point – pop music sounds like people again. And that’s what the people want. They always did.
You might even take this to be a protest record – a protest against the post-post-punk burn-your-dad’s-record-collection frenzy the big labels are now asking us to swallow. I did.
The big labels are wrong, this definitively indie band, fronted by state shadow attorney-general Greg "Guitar" Smith, seems to be saying. Your dad’s records are just fine.
What’s wrong with the world before postmodernism was uttered across kitchen tables?
What’s wrong with the world before the ever-narrowing retro fashion cycle began to eat pop culture like cancer? Pre-punk, pre-disco, pre-Dylan, pre-everything, Tokens II is a protest against protest itself.
When someone gets around to jackhammering away the concrete fortress around popular taste, they’ll remember music is first and foremost about emotion. And there’s not a soul who could make it through Smith’s quietly evocative take on In Dublin’s Fair City with dry eyes.
But it’s not all sentiment. With romping piano and playful harmonica – ably provided by Frank "Chopsticks" Cheok – A White Sports Coat evokes the spirit of stepping out on the town and proves the perfect showy opener.
"A white sports coat and a pink carnation/I’m all dressed up for the dance" could be any hepcat firing up for any given Saturday night singing. Smith knows this, which is why he pulls back on the raucus and leaves the song to sing itself.
If that doesn’t capture romance’s promise the way you want, the follow up The Way You Look Tonight will. It’s Smith’s most personal track and one of the album’s best.
If you surf the net or keep an ear on underground radio, chances are you’ve already heard snippets of Tokens II – those in the know, know.
If you haven’t you will soon, because this album is set to be a hit.
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Joe Hildebrand
Joe Hildebrand spent his formative years in the outer suburbs trying to work up the courage to ask Leanne Hrubos to go out with him. He never did.
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Joe, have you heard the Adam Hills national anthem, he’s bringing bogan back ... yep!
That’s because he is from the Hills district.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (09:57am)
Gee Joe, I would never think I’m famous that would mean you want to be a society sponge. However I just made an insurance claim of up to USD$5oo million as I sent my girlfriend a phone which she has not recieved as instructed by Australia Post.
Have a NIce Day Joe,
XOX MIchael
It must have been a very nice phone, or indeed a very nice girlfriend.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (09:58am)
That Hughes creature with the whiny voice has to be the most un-funny comedian in Australia. Him and Judith (another whiny voice) Lucy. (I haven’t seen Adam Hills in anything, in fact, I’m glad you told us what he appears in so I can stay away from the programs.)
The Big Bother contestant with the dead father will doubtless get balloons, and probably a new car, when she finds out that her dad has died.
I thought there was a petition to have Paris Hilton-tart locked up forever.
I must admit I haven’t seen Adam Hills in anything either. Thank God for small mercies.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (09:59am)
Joe, thank goodness you’ve moved on from targeting an ex-ABC TV presenter to targeting a current one. I was worried News Ltd might have fired you soon if you didn’t do your bit for the ABC-bashing cause!
That website is a fraction pretentious.
Following last week:
duke, those councillors are just doing their job. Very, very badly.
And Mystery, Melbourne guys are generally nice, but not enough of the good ones are Peter Andre fans. Er…
I’m nothing if not up to date.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:01am)
Well, I just came out of re-hab, are you going to report and photograph me? I don’t wear knickers and have a mercedes!
Hi Paris.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:01am)
I would like to see Adam Hills and Joe Hildebrand in a jelly wresting contest wearing their smallest budgie smugglers to finally determine who should wear the crown of “most famous”.
I don’t think Adam Hills is ready for this jelly.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:02am)
Hey Joe,
As a fan of spicks and speck and therefore a bit of a fan of Adam Hills, I really should take offence. For some strange reason though I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’m too nice. Or maybe because you have a point about the whole telling people you’re famous doesn’t make you famous thing. Just not in his case. You’re right - they invented Big Brother so everyday people can do that.
As for you - you’re famous in the eyes of your blog responders. (Awwww, how corny of me!)
Thank you very much S’My Lee. Now I’m going to go and buy myself a small dog.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:03am)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/columnists/adam/290805_index.shtml
he has so much to offer.
Oh my God. Who let him out of the country? This is embarrassing for all of us.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:08am)
Welcome to Joe’s 10th Logie Blog Awards!
.x............Rolling out the Red Carpet.......x
Lights..... Action........ Cameras!
Check out all the famous stars in here, and look what the hot babes in here are wearing for this special event.
Hey, I never said anyone else was famous.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:14am)
"The Charlotte Church Show”?!
...shocking…
Is it a broad church?
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:14am)
Now that you mention it, Joe, Adam Hills is certainly a gurn monkey. I think that’s why I don’t like him very much - even if he can occasionally be funny. Even if his MySpace profile isn’t.
Nevertheless, I anticipate with eagerness his new column next week. But I’ll miss you - sort of.
BTW, good music review. But it’s a bit hopeless if they don’t have a MySpace page.
The music review was really by Bryon. He was also flabbergasted that The Tokens did not have a MySpace page.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:16am)
Joe, I think that was Lindsay, not Paris.
Then again, what’s the difference between those two vacuous, vapid, vulgar twats?
(How’d you like my alliteration?)
No matter what happens, we’ll always have Paris.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (10:17am)
Bree, thanks for that link. The funniest part of Adam Hill’s “opinion” are the comments that follow. Joe, who let him out of the country? Dunno - but he can stay there too.
Spicks’n’Specks will never be the same for me.
On the other (artificial) hand (hur hur, Adam, hur hur and zzzzzzz), I’d much rather watch Adam Hills than our favourite weatherman Timbo Bailey.
I’ll take Timbo any day.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (12:03pm)
Flash * Ka Pow
snap snap * snap
“Over Here Joe” Look at me !!
flash snap snap!!!
When will I
will I be famous?
You’re suitably at one with your body
and the sun
yes
you are!
You’ve read Karl Marx and you’ve taught yourself to dance
You’re the best by far!
But you keep asking the question
oh
you’re not supposed to mention.
When will I
will I be famous?
I can’t answer
I can’t answer that.
When will I see my picture in the paper?
I can’t answer
I can’t answer that.
When will I
will I be famous? You keep asking me
babe.
You’re a slave to fashion and your life is full of passion
It’s the way you are!
You’ve suffered for your art with the iogging in the park
You know you should go far!
But you keep asking the question
oh
you’re not supposed to mention.
When will I
will I be famous? . . .
Oh
I can’t tell you when you’ll see your name up in lights.
When will I
will I be famous? You keep asking me
babe.
I can’t wait!
You won’t suffer in silence
You’re a talent
you know that I’ve noticed
You’d like to be a legend
a big star over night!
I can’t answer your question
- I can’t wait -
it’s driving me insane
And you’re impossible in patience
tearing at my brain!
When will I
will I be famous?
I can’t answer
I can’t answer that.
When will I
will I be famous?
I can’t answer
I can’t answer that.
When will I
will I be famous?
I can’t answer
I can’t answer that.
The last time anyone asked to take my picture they made me hold up a sign with a number on it.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (12:49pm)
Well bonjourno Joey,
I’m the only famous one in this media conference!
Smile yes gratsy smile.....
Hi Sophia. How are the kids?
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (12:50pm)
Greg Smith’s inaugral speech made for, erm, interesting reading. Somehow, despite all of Bryon’s earnestness, I don’t think I will be buying The Tokens’ music any time soon.
I mean, Mr Smith himself says about his band, “a band I helped to found that entertains mainly elderly people.”
So, I might be another year older today, but I am far from being an elderly person (despite photographic evidence previously supplied). It might be a great gift to give Duke for his b’day, though.
Happy Birthday Ms Parrot. Having heard the CD myself, let me assure you it is plenty of musical fun for all ages.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (12:53pm)
The granda kids are bewdeeful Joey....
pinches your cheek, move over this is my red carpet event… move outa my way Joey darling!
Pardon me.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (12:54pm)
Its my birthday tomorrow.....
I had a birthday last year but I didn’t go around telling everybody about it.
Oh hang on, yes I did.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (02:21pm)
God has smote a recalcitrant society with a plague of drug-addled socialites. It’s an epidemic of biblical proportions.
Indeed He has. They are like evenly tanned locusts.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (02:37pm)
Thank you very much, Joe, sugarplum.
Re The Tokens - oh I don’t know. I mean, Greg Smith is not only a Liberal, but a Catholic too. And if that’s not enough, he represents the Hills.
Anyway, after seeing Beasts of Bourbon on Saturday night, I’m all about real rawk at the moment. \m/
You can’t go around slagging off the Catholics Ms Parrot. God will smite us.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (03:20pm)
Joe,
More from MOS....
Corby, Joe might get s***loads of clicks compared to you but they’re all from a few people (FP) who are all a little loopy (FP again) with more spare time (and possibly brain cells)(Miss Lou) than your friendly posters.
I can’t help thinking that if Corby’s posters think we are highbrow, they must all come from Redfern.
duke
Well I certainly don’t tolerate blue language if that’s what they mean.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (03:27pm)
Ok, so I did it aliitle naughty bitty bad driving but hey, the publicity is great Joe. You can have a free sample of my music and you can have some of my Paris perfume! I’m hoping for anorexic butch lesbian prison publicity when I get out of prison!
Paris wants this song for you Joe.
Excuse me I think I seen you on the dance floor
Excuse me I think there playin’ one of our songs
I seen you you’ve been here a lot of times
And you’ve been on my mind cause baby your just so damn fine
What do you say
What will it take
To make you see that I’m not playin’
I want you and I think you should know
I want you and I wont let you go
Cause I’m the kind of girl who likes to tell you what I want in life
Get you right into things wont you like that anyway
I want you
so before you go home
And you leave here alone
I thought you should know
I’m not playin’
I want you
and I think you should know
I want you
and I wont let you go
Cause I’m the kind of girl who likes to tell you what I want in life
Get you right into things wont you like that anyway
I want you
so before you go home
And you leave here alone
I thought you should know
song “I Want You” from album “Paris”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Take my picture, move over sophia.
I think I already saw your picture here.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (04:38pm)
It is true: I am loopy and have spare time. But that’s because of my sheer brilliance of multi-tasking and being able to type 105 words per minute. Besides, Joe’s blog is vastly superior to Corby’s, and Joe’s fans are funnier and funkier than Corby’s fans. Take that, Corby and fans. Kapow.
Joe, as an excommunicated Catholic, I am perfectly entitled to slag Catholics off. It’s a favourite past-time of mine. But if that will smite us, don’t worry, we’ll just call Ghostbusters.
Whatever you do don’t cross the streams.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (04:40pm)
Whoops. Damn. I wish I’d seen this before I did.
In that case, in the words of Dr Egon Spengler: “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”
That’s what you get for screwing with God.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (05:13pm)
http://www.myspace.com/joehilderbrand
Joe 4 president!
You were asking for it
I swear to serve with honour and integrity to deliver justice for all.
I will also change my name so that it is spelt with an extra “r” just so people don’t get confused.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (05:10pm)
Missanon,
Happy Birthday to you!
Let me take you to the rewards room in the Big brother House to celebrate your Birthday. Well, everyone can see but hey!
I trust no one’s father will die as a result of this?
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (06:57pm)
In that case, in the words of Dr Egon Spengler: “Sorry, Venkman. I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.”
That’s what I got for screwing with God.
Indeed.
Joe Hildebrand
Mon 04 Jun 07 (06:57pm)
"I don’t think Adam Hills is ready for this jelly.” - Joe
I never knew you were a fan of Destiny’s Child…
I thought I was Destiny’s Child.
Joe Hildebrand
Tue 05 Jun 07 (11:35am)
well this is all a bit random
I know. I don’t know what went wrong.
Joe Hildebrand
Tue 05 Jun 07 (11:35am)
Song for Joe Famous!<-- funny song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipZDG6__Zfc&mode=related&search=
Fp, I’m resigning my shop girl job today! Wish me luck!
Happy Birthday to the Birthday peoples!
My God. The Shop Girl Revolution has truly begun.
Joe Hildebrand
Tue 05 Jun 07 (11:38am)
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