When the first words out of Charley's mouth are "oh my god nooooooo", it's not a promising omen. When Brian backs up that outburst with a straightforward "******* hell", it's a dead cert something ain't right.

And that something was the pair's holiday destination - a delightful, compact caravan parked in the Big Brother garden.

"They are mugging us off good and proper," exclaimed Brian leaving Charley to provide a more eloquent observation. "It stinks in there," she moaned poking her head around the door, "it ******* stinks!"

As curiosity got the better of them, they crept further inside, only to be greeted by an avalanche of fake wood and stripy nylon.

Like a fag-stained, seaside landlady, Big Brother was soon on the phone with instructions for their stay.

After a brief conversation, Charley seemed slightly flummoxed...

"Big Brother said 'replace the handset'," she said looking puzzled, "what does that mean?"

story continues below

Advertisement

"Just put the handset down, you dopey mare!" said Brian laughing, before exclaiming, "Look, there's a radio! I wonder if it can get Essex FM?"

It could be a long night...