When the first words out of Charley's mouth are "oh my god nooooooo", it's not a promising omen. When Brian backs up that outburst with a straightforward "******* hell", it's a dead cert something ain't right.

And that something was the pair's holiday destination - a delightful, compact caravan parked in the Big Brother garden.

"They are mugging us off good and proper," exclaimed Brian leaving Charley to provide a more eloquent observation. "It stinks in there," she moaned poking her head around the door, "it ******* stinks!"

As curiosity got the better of them, they crept further inside, only to be greeted by an avalanche of fake wood and stripy nylon.

Like a fag-stained, seaside landlady, Big Brother was soon on the phone with instructions for their stay.

After a brief conversation, Charley seemed slightly flummoxed...

"Big Brother said 'replace the handset'," she said looking puzzled, "what does that mean?"

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"Just put the handset down, you dopey mare!" said Brian laughing, before exclaiming, "Look, there's a radio! I wonder if it can get Essex FM?"

It could be a long night...