Brainbeau's 4-Way Peace Plan

(Excerpted from Kooks: A Guide to the Outer Limits of Human Belief)

"THE TIME IS APPROACHING When your best bet is to stop laughing at birdbrain BRAINBEAU and start laughing at yourself. Coming events will prove who the real birdbrains are and you could be among them unless you change your thinking. That's chancy because it took a W.W.II. head injury incident for this "brain" to become the world's ONLY radical - the sole possessor of the only peace plan that can bring peace (thirty years in the making). Send SASE to: 4 WAY PEACE PLAN..."
-- J.C. Brainbeau

Lieutenant George E. Lemon, Post 1445, recipient of the Purple Heart, was officially welcomed home from World War Two 48 years late. In 1991 the nurses at the Blackburn Home for Aged People in Poland, Ohio saw fit to finally give Lt. Lemon what he had deserved since the spring of 1943, when he'd been discharged due to a serious jeep accident head injury during the North African campaign.

Lt. Lemon could easily have become either an embittered or feeble-minded old veteran after such an experience, but instead he "wobbled" his brain and became... J.C. Brainbeau.

...All my brain needed was a tilt and I gave it one. In my pup tent on the shores near Bizerte I visualized the coming dangers but nothing shook me up until a superior officer told me to defuse land mines until one blew up in my face -- THAT shook me up. Immediately began a me-to-me talkathon which has given yours truly the only way to end war, inflation, unemployment, trade deficits and death. ...
Despite the non-stop me-to-me talkathon on Brainbeauism, George E. Lemon worked steadily for the Youngstown Sheet and Tube Company, living a quiet life with his two unmarried sisters, in his home town of Youngstown, Ohio. Brainbeauism had not yet entered the annals of the Mail Order publications, though probably Lemon spoke of his revelations to his family and friends. It wasn't until his retirement, at age 72, twenty years after his discharge, that Brainbeau was unleashed upon the world.

Brainbeau didn't seek publicity for his ideas in the usual manner, however; instead of writing a book or handing out flyers to passersby, he used an as-yet undeveloped medium: the classified ad. By the time of his death in 1992, he had expanded the concept of the classified ad to previously unheard of dimensions.

Those who sent Self Addressed Stamped Envelopes (SASE) to Brainbeau in Youngstown, Ohio, expecting to receive literature, products or information might have been surprised to receive only more ads! The ads did reveal information on Brainbeau's plans, bit by bit and ad by ad. After reading several sheets of closely spaced Brainbeau ads, you might be able to fit them together, like a jigsaw puzzle. But the resulting picture would be just another sheet of ads.

Generally Brainbeau hovered around three major themes: 4-WAY PEACE PLAN, EVEN-AGE WORK FORCE and HEREBEFORES, his way of righting four wrongs: War, Atheism, Unemployment and Death.

Inflationary fixed wages should be unfixed -- produce more or less -- earn more or less, workers should receive a fixed percentage of a company's income and I would suggest 50%. An even age work force would give a person close to 50% of what he or she produced or its equivalent. A comparable amount would go to those under 20 and over 60 and be paid by the 'others' of a 50/50 workers, others money split. This herenow should be balanced with herebefores and hereafters. There were other concepts and they all followed a pattern as exemplified by the terms 50/50; men, women; winners, losers; odd, even; herebefore, hereafter; etc., etc. If you want to keep on living in this herenow as in past and future herenows earn your keep on the production line at the grass roots level. Send SASE to A PERFECT WORLD,...

The four major wrongs as Brainbeau saw them do not really have four solutions, but rather one solution, The 50/50 Split. The details of Brainbeau's plan to apply The 50/50 Split to each wrong are hard to come by, even in the longer ads. Rather than presenting a detailed solution, the ads get our attention and present a question or a problem, to get us thinking. They conclude with just a hint of the Brainbeauistic solution:

I HAVE Some good news and some bad news for our latest 20 million dollar lottery winner. The good news is that he will win 20 million dollars 20 million times and more in future lifetimes ad infinitum (herenow reruns). The bad news is that to insure eternal life we must adopt or have adopted a money independent economy where everyone does or did his or her share of blue collar work -- no free riders. Send SASE to: SCRAP SOCIALISM...
The 50/50 split revelation as applied to eternal life yields religion, Brainbeau style. He doesn't talk much about God, Sin or Faith, only about Herebefores and Herenow Reruns:
QUESTION: If my life is the spit and image of each of my herebefores just how long would you say I've been living - 10,000 years? ANSWER: It would probably be more. If we put the unfolding line of eternal life on a limitless dartboard those millenniums would be in the bull's eye which is more difficult to hit than the whole board. My guess is that you and I have been around a million lifetimes more or less and that more or less is seventy million years. For a 20th century arithmetically and spiritually sound religion send SASE to: HERENOW RERUNS...
Brainbeau also claims that this "HELL ON EARTH" is actually the HEREAFTER, and that all of his solutions, including the EVEN AGE WORKFORCE and the 50/50 WORKERS, OTHERS MONEY SPLIT were "adopted a million years ago more or less," during previous lifetimes, or HEREBEFORES.

To the end of his life Lt. Lemon/J.C. Brainbeau lived as a bachelor, enjoying the simple pleasures of ballroom dancing, reading, inventing, puttering and writing classified ads to help save the world. George E. Lemon was humble about his achievements, claiming that he couldn't point to any one accomplishment out of the ordinary. From beyond his grave, however, Lemon's good friend Brainbeau is now saying over and over and over and over again:

IT'S A DIRTY TRICK of nature that all of us save one are unable to suggest the four new concepts that must be adopted by everyone if we are to survive the 20th century. Blame it on the rest of you lacking a truth-revealing, war-theater-jeep-accident-head-injury incident to: 4 WAY PEACE PLAN...
© 1995 Donna Kossy