Pills, condoms, diaphragms, sponges, IUD's, tubal litigations and vasectomies; every method of birth control has its pros and cons. They're expensive, uncomfortable, have ill side effects and are never 100% effective. However, I'm here to tell you that you don't need any of them anymore. I've found a surefire method for pregnancy prevention. It's called First Born and for a one-time payment of just $4.50 (plus tax), you will never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy complicating your life ever again.
First Born is so aggravatingly ambiguous, so ploddingly paced and so painfully depressing that you'll very likely want to commit suicide once it's over, thereby ensuring that you will never have sex again and, as a direct result, will never have to worry about becoming pregnant.
Laura (Elisabeth Shue) is a dancer, specializing in a modern technique called, I believe: "The Chronically Depressed Valium Addict at a Bridal Shower." Laura and her husband Steven (Steven Mackintosh) live in sterilized yuppie style in a Big City apartment, but when Laura discovers she's pregnant, Steven persuades her to look at some houses in the country, where they can raise their family in peace, far from the Evil City.
Laura semi-reluctantly agrees and chooses a grandiose estate on a wide spread of land which is selling at a surprisingly low cost. The couple, their yappy puppy and Laura's swelling belly move in and prepare for the coming of their first born. For some odd reason, Laura insists upon keeping a ratty rubber baby doll lying around the crib. She'd found it abandoned on a subway seat the day she learned she was knocked up, left there by some creepy teenage girl. Her reasons for picking up the ugly, tattered, germy little thing are known only to her and is an early indicator that Laura is probably not playing with a full deck.
As her pregnancy progresses, Laura gets weirder. She hears noises and voices and the sound of a baby crying in the nearby woods. The accidental death of the yappy puppy pushes her a little closer to the edge, making her question whether or not she'll make a good mother.
An emergency C-section results in a baby girl, but Laura doesn't seem at all thrilled about her new daughter. She's still hearing noises and is overcome with paranoia and anxiety. Steven's job takes him away early and keeps him late. Laura's doctor is quick to dismiss Laura's concerns when she calls with questions and even Laura's own mother shows little interest in her daughter or granddaughter. Post partum depression weighs in like a sumo wrestler packing sand bags and Laura's sanity begins sliding downhill faster than a hilltop mansion in a mudslide.
The appearance of spooky nanny Mrs. Kasperian (Kathleen Chalfant) doesn't help either. With her eye-buggingly severe hairstyle and an accent that could creep out Bela Lugosi, Mrs. Kasperian is calm in the face of Laura's mood swings and seems like a perfectly capable nanny. But Laura doesn't completely trust the nanny. Is Kasperian dangerous? Has she put a curse on Laura? Could there perhaps be a sinister presence in the house? Or is it all in Laura's confused and overtaxed mind?
Ugh. You know, if I'd really wanted to be immersed in a deep, black swamp of cold despair, I could have watched Andrea Yates' taped confession to the police instead. If nothing else, that probably would have made more sense to me than this movie did.
As a psychological drama, this movie works just fine. Elisabeth Shue as Laura perfectly depicts the horrors of post partum depression and post partum psychosis. Her isolation is tangible and we sympathize with her as her memory disintegrates and her reason abandons her. With her main function in life apparently completed, Laura can only watch helplessly as the baby (whose name isn't mentioned until the film's final scene, a simple ploy which successfully creates a huge sense of distance between mother and child) takes the spotlight and Laura is left alone in the shadows, her identity reduced to that of milk dispenser and dutiful, adoring wife whose only job is to smile and look pretty. It's rather what I imagine Katie Holmes' home life must be like.
But First Born just isn't content to be a mere psychological drama. It wants to be a spooky mystery, and maybe a chilling supernatural horror movie too, but in reaching too far and too wide, First Born falls flat on its face and succeeds only in being an overly ambitious, and overly ambiguous, mess.
I can't even begin to describe to you how misleading this movie is. It's like setting out for the corner drugstore and ending up on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Whispery voices and doors that close by themselves? Well, maybe it's a What Lies Beneath inspired ghost story! No? Okay, well, how about the hordes of mice scampering about the place? Maybe it'll turn into a Lovecraftian nightmare! Or, maybe not. How about that hidden diary left behind by a troubled teenage girl? Nope, nuthin. Alright, well, a creepy European nanny might be an indication that this will be an Omen rip-off, right? Wrong. Okay fine, how's about a dump truck load of red herrings? Yeah! That's it! Perfect!
That's all this movie really is; a collection of long, loose threads that braid themselves into nooses and lynch everyone involved. It tries way too hard, throwing itself in too many directions and ultimately going nowhere. And despite it's far flung ambition, it's slow and boring and so bleakly depressing that the Eli Lilly Company should consider using it as a marketing tool to expound upon the benefits of Prozac.
Shue deserves better than this, and so does the movie watching public at large. Unless you're suffering from a deplorable excess of optimism and are seeking a cure, avoid First Born like the proverbial plague.
OUR WORLD FAMOUS SERIAL KILLER MERCHANDISE : Scroll down to see the many true crime and serial killer products that we sell. Click on any item that is currently available to view more details or purchase an item. If you are interested in buying items in bulk, please contact us for information and wholesale prices. Our products have been featured in the Boston Globe, Penthouse Magazine, Fox News and newspapers/magazines around the world. Many of our items are also in the private collection of many celebrities (Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, Joe Coleman and Lloyd Kaufman just to name a few). We are always adding new items so check back often for more morbid merchandise. There are less than 500 2007 Serial Killer Calendars left, and we do not expect these to last long.
SERIES 1 OF THE NEW SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS
After almost a full year of designing , we are pleased to announce the new SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS! This set includes 25 high quality trading cards featuring the artwork of Nico Claux, Jack Malebranche, Chuck Hodi, Johnny Machine, Mark Stinson, Gerard Torbitt, Mike Henderson, and more! These cards are sure to be an instant collectors item so get yours now before they are sold out!
PRICE : $25
SERIES 2 OF THE NEW SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS
After almost a full year of designing , we are pleased to announce the new SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS! This set includes 25 high quality trading cards featuring the artwork of Nico Claux, Jack Malebranche, Chuck Hodi, Johnny Machine, Mark Stinson, Gerard Torbitt, Mike Henderson, and more! These cards are sure to be an instant collectors item so get yours now before they are sold out!
PRICE : $25
SERIES 3 OF THE NEW SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS
After almost a full year of designing , we are pleased to announce the new SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS! This set includes 25 high quality trading cards featuring the artwork of Nico Claux, Jack Malebranche, Chuck Hodi, Johnny Machine, Mark Stinson, Gerard Torbitt, Mike Henderson, and more! These cards are sure to be an instant collectors item so get yours now before they are sold out!
PRICE : $25
COMPLETE SET OF ALL 75 SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS
After almost a full year of designing , we are pleased to announce the new SERIAL KILLER TRADING CARDS! This set includes all 75 high quality trading cards featuring the artwork of Nico Claux, Jack Malebranche, Chuck Hodi, Johnny Machine, Mark Stinson, Gerard Torbitt, Mike Henderson, and more!
PRICE : $75
THE RARE 2007 SERIAL KILLER CALENDAR
The 2007 Serial Killer Calendar features the dark art of Nico Claux (the "Vampire of Paris"). This serial killer collectors item has been featured in magazine and newspapers around the world. There are now less than 400 Serial Killer Calendars left for sale. When these are gone, you will not be able to buy them anywhere. Click the image to the left for more details.
PRICE : $20
THE NEW & IMPROVED 2008 SERIAL KILLER CALENDAR
Here it is folks. The brand new 2008 Serial Killer Calendar. This new edition is twice as big as the 2007 and contains artwork from Nico Claux and seven new dark artists. You can pre-order your copy today. These editions are extremely limited so get yours before they are gone forever.
PRICE : $25
SERIAL KILLER WALL POSTER
The giant Nico Claux wall poster is the ONLY serial killer poster in the world. This movie size poster features paintings of nine of Nico's most well known killers. This poster will only be printed once and supplies are quickly running out. When these are gone, you will not be able to buy them anywhere.
PRICE : $25
COMPLETE SET OF ALL 12 JOHNNY MACHINE PRINTS
These 8X10, high quality prints by Johnny Machine include all artwork from his amazing "The Murderers" Collection. These include images of Fish, Gein, Dahmer, Bundy, Gacy, and many more! These prints are of the highest quality and are perfect for framing. This is a nice addition to any true collectors art gallery.
PRICE : $20
MARK STINSON SERIAL KILLER CLOCK
This amazing wall clock features the artwork of Mark Stinson (from Void Pulp Press). The clock displays a collection of Marks most stunning serial killer artwork (including Andrei Chikatilo, H.H. Holmes, Richard Ramirez, Albert Fish, John Wayne Gacy, David Berkowitz and Ted Bundy).
Price : $35
ALBERT FISH WALL CLOCK
This amazing wall clock features two chilling paintings of the child eating monster. The painting in the foreground is done by Nico Claux (otherwise known as the Vampire of Paris) while the full-body background painting was done by our newest artist, Johnny Machine).
Price : $35
JOHN WAYNE GACY WALL CLOCK
This amazing wall clock features the best painting of John Wayne gacy (the killer clown) we have ever seen. This painting was created for us by the talented Johnny Machine. Gacy became notorious as the "Killer Clown" because dressedin a clown suit and makeup, under the name of "Pogo the Clown."
Price : $35
CARL PANZRAM WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features Carl Panzram. This amazing painting was created for us by the talented Chuck Hodi. Carl Panzram (June 28, 1891 – September 5, 1930) was an American serial killer. While imprisoned, Panzram wrote an articulate autobiography about his life and his descent into crime.
Price : $35
TED BUNDY WALL CLOCK
This amazing wall clock features the best painting of Ted Bundy we have ever seen. This painting was created for us by the talented Johnny Machine. Theodore Robert 'Ted' Bundy (November 24, 1946 – January 24, 1989) was one of the most infamous serial killers in U.S. history.
Price : $35
ED GEIN WALL CLOCK WITH FOUR PAINTINGS
This wall clock features four seperate paintings of the cannibal Ed Gein. This artwork was created by Johnny Machine, Chuck Hodi and Gerard Torbitt. Edward Theodore Gein (August 27, 1906 – July 26, 1984), was an American serial killer.
Price : $35
DENNIS RADER (THE BTK KILLER) WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features Dennis Rader (The BTK killer). This amazing painting was created for us by the talented Chuck Hodi. Dennis Lynn Rader (born March 9, 1945) is an American serial killer who murdered at least 10 people in Sedgwick County (in and around Wichita), Kansas, between 1974 and 1991.
Price : $35
DAVID BERKOWITZ (SON OF SAM) WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features David Berkowitz (The Son of Sam). This artwork was created by the talented Johnny Machine. David Richard Berkowitz (Born: June 1, 1953), better known by his nickname Son of Sam, is an American serial killer who confessed to killing six people.
Price : $35
RICHARD RAMIREZ WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features Richard Ramirez (The Nightstalker). This artwork was created by the talented Johnny Machine and Chuck Hodi. Ricardo "Richard" Muñoz Ramirez (born February 29, 1960 in El Paso, Texas) is a convicted serial killer awaiting execution in California.
Price : $35
JEFFREY DAHMER WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features Jeffrey Dahmer. This amazing painting was created for us by the talented Gerard Torbitt. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer was an American serial killer. He murdered at least 17 men and boys between 1978 and 1991 (with the majority of the murders occurring between 1989 and 1991).
Price : $35
GERARD TORBITT'S ALBERT FISH WALL CLOCK
This wall clock features Albert Fish. This amazing painting was created for us by the talented Gerard Torbitt. Albert Hamilton Fish (May 19, 1870 – January 16, 1936) was an American serial killer and cannibal. He was also known as the Gray Man, the Werewolf of Wysteria and possibly the Brooklyn Vampire.
Price : $35
SERIAL KILLER STICKERS SET
This set of 30 high y quality stickers by Mark Stinson (head of Void Pulp Press) include Albert Fish (with dinner plate), Ted Bundy (with VW Bug) and Richard Ramirez (with pentagram). We will be releasing new sets all year so check back soon. Not all stickers will be reprinted so you will want to buy each set to have a complete collection.
PRICE : $15
SERIAL KILLER TEESHIRTS
These shirts are now available but supplies are very limited. Use the buy now buttons below to purchase the black Nico Claux Tee Shirt. This shirt features eight of Nico's most famous paintings (Ted Bundy, Albert Fish, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Richard Ramirez, David Berkowitz, Charles Manson and Ed Gein). The shirts come in four sizes.
THE ONE OF A KIND SERIAL KILLER ACTION FIGURES
This rare collection of serial killer action figure are all hand crafted by artist David Johnson. Each figure is six inches tall, hand cast in resin and comes mint in packaging. Currently we are selling the Jeffrey Dahmer action figure, the Ed Gein action figure and the OJ Simpson action figure. These are truly a very rare collectors items and are very limited so get yours before they are gone forever.
BECOME A STREET TEAM MEMBER TODAY
Copy the HTML code below in to your website, to show the world that your a member of the Serial Killer Calendar Street Team!
THE SERIAL KILLER CALENDAR STREET TEAM
Do you want Serialkillercalendar.com to continue producing the best morbid merchandise on the internet? Then help us spread the good word of gore by becoming part of our massive Street Team members. What is a street team? Street Team members post links to our site on blogs, message boards, websites and get our message to the masses. Thanks to our street team, serialkillercalendar.com is now a household name. So grab your street team badge on the left and read below for some things you could do to help us take over the world... uhhh... I mean, to help us advertise. Yeah, that's what I meant.
1. POST A LINK TO US ON WIKIPEDIA.COM
Wikipedia is a great source for random information but for some reason they keep taking our links off their site. So we need our faithful Street Team members to flood Wikipedia with links to serialkillercalendar.com on every page that has anything to do with serial killers or mass murderers.
2. POST BULLETINS ABOUT US ON MYSPACE.COM
Myspace has been very good to us. In the last six months, we have received well over 9000 friend requests. Help us get even more in 2007 by posting weekly bulletins to all your friends and asking them to do the same. Together, we will take over myspace and then... the WORLD!. Man, I have to stop saying that out loud.
3. BLOGS, MESSAGE BOARDS AND FORUMS
Every link to Serialkillercalendar.com gets us seen more by the masses. Post text or banner links to our site in as many places as you can find. Pottery.com? KittensAreCute.net? Sure, why not. Even old farts and feline lovers can enjoy our morbid masterpieces.
4. PUBLIC VANDALISM = POWERFUL ADVERTISING
Legally speaking we would never encourage our street team members to " Spray Paint SerialKillerCalendar.com on the side of their local court house " or " create millions of SerialKillerCalendar.com stickers and stick them on local cop cars. " This would be wrong. Of course, if you do help us advertise in a unconventional way, we would love to see the photos of it.
5. LET US KNOW WHAT YOU DID FOR US
Send us an email to let us know what you are doing to help spread the word of serialkillercalendar.com. We will be adding a huge section on our site displaying the street team members that help us the most. So start telling the masses and let us know what you are up to.
Thanks again to all our wonderful street team crew and keep up the good work. If you have any questions, comments or ideas for new street team projects, contact James Gilks at madhatterdesign@gmail.com
Copy and paste the code below in to your website to add our killer web banner. If you have any trouble with this flash banner, you will find many more banners to use in our downloads section. Be sure to let us know that you used one of our banners so we can add a link to your site in our massive links page.