Write for TeeVee

So you want to be a Vidiot? We print stories by people we've never met all the time.

There are three ways to go about becoming a Vidiot, each one more horrible than the last.

I. The Trial of Faith

You must bring us four of the following objects:

A. A lock of Abe Vigoda's hair
B. A case of peach schnapps
C. A recent copy of The UCSD Guardian
D. A shooting script from the show E.A.R.T.H. Force signed by Gil Gerard
E. A slice of Grandma Collier's sweet potato pie
F. 6 ounces of Tillamook cheese
G. A photograph of Mamie Eisenhower
H. 1/4 of a cup of sand
I. A ticket stub from an interleague baseball game
J. A mint condition copy of a-ha: the story so far

II. Submit an article

Here you would submit an article to teevee@teevee.org. Send it in the form of a text message in an e-mail, not as an attachment. People who send in attachments will be hunted down by former Diff'rent Strokes cast members and punished severely.

Articles can be pretty much what you want them to be about, provided there's at least a tangential relationship to television. Oh, and they shouldn't be crappy. (Look at past TeeVee pieces to get a feel for what the site's about.)

If we like what you've written, we post it. If we don't, we send you a terse rejection letter and laugh cruelly at you behind your back.

Writers submit their work for the pure joy that comes with being a member of the TeeVee family and not because we pay. Because we don't. Not even in fake currency like Monopoly money or the Russian ruble. This is usually when people lose interest in contributing to us.

There are no limits on length or content, though rambling on and on is strongly discouraged. All we ask is that the piece be related to TV.

III. Sleep with one of us

It worked for Boychuk, at any rate.