NOTE: Torch senior columnist Bruce Mitchell - wrestling's most respected columnist for 15 years and counting - in addition to his monthly feature columns for which he is nearly world famous, writes "Mojo Mitchell Stream of Consciousness" commentaries after most editions of Raw and Smackdown. They are usually a "VIP exclusive" posted at the VIP website and sent out to VIP Email Express members. Ocassionally we also post them here to give everyone a sample of Mojo's style where he comments on the shows as he watches them "stream of consciousness" style and doesn't go back and edit after he types (leaving typos for his editor to fix!), Mitchell also writes Mitchell's Memo short columns most weeks in the Torch Newsletter along with feature Bruce Mitchell columns once a month in the Torch Newsletter. At the end of this article is a list of links to other Mitchell Features posted here at PWTorch.com...
Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream Of Old Time Superstars, Old Time Porno Music, Old Time Murdoch, Old Time Champions and Old Time Angles
We start with Eric Bischoff in the ring. He calls out Kurt Angle. He's mad at John Cena for putting his hands on him and as General Manager he can do something about it. (Here it comes.) By the powers vested in him by the WWE Board of Directors (Wait for it.) He hereby declares Kurt Angle the new WWE Champion...
No Chance. No Chance in Hell.
Mr. McMahon comes to the ring. He's real big. The General Manager and the Blue Eyed Killer act like third graders when they get caught playing in the water fountain. Mr. McMahon gives Cena back his title, saying Bischoff doesn't have the authority to make that decision. The sacred WWE Title can only change hands by pinfall or submission.
He announces Old Timer's Day at the WWE Ballpark two weeks from tonight. Mick Foley. Triple H. Hulk Hogan. Steve Austin. It's a WWE Homecoming. He also makes a dream match, the type that drives the big buyrates in this business. WWE Champion John Cena defends against...
Raw Manager Eric Bischoff.
Trish Stratus stretches to some '70s porno music. How do I know it's '70s porno music? Well, it sounds how I'd imagine '70s porno music would sound. Whew.
Eric begs Mr. McMahon to change his mind. He says he will think about it and gets in the limo. He rolls down the window. "The match is on." Bischoff looks sick.
Torrie Wilson (w/Jacqueline, Candace Michelle) faces Trish Stratus (w/Ashley). Well, it's quick and Torrie isn't allowed on the mic. "Trish gets the victory and is beaten up for her efforts," Jim Ross accurately states.
Trevor Murdoch (w/Garrison Cade) faces Hurricane (w/Rosey). Hurricane got a stinger in the match last night. The fans are getting into this one a little. Hurricane wrestles with one arm. He's real brave. Murdoch DDTs Hurricane for the win.
Carlito says he was reaching for the ropes and his hand hit the mat last night, he didn't tap, and tonight he's going to beat Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Title.
Fez and Dirk Diggler are on Ultimate Fight's side in the war. Talk about the Ultimate Weapon...
They're showing some cool videos for Old Timer's Day.
Edge bitches to Eric Bischoff about Matt Hardy. Bischoff makes an Edge vs. Matt Hardy ladder match with the money in the Bank Briefcase on the line, loser leaves Raw. Matt Hardy vs. Orlando Jordan, next on Smackdown. Well, if Hardy came back to spend time with Lita, that didn't work either.
Tyson Tomko knocks out Eddie Craven. See, Ultimate Fighters aren't the ones who can win with sudden KOs.
Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair (Okay, that's just weird to write) defends against Carlito. Flair is wearing his Carolina Panthers robe again. The babyface winner Flair gets main event heat. There is something in this case to the Old Master Painting a Picture analogy. Carlito swells Flair's eye with a kick.
Flair's eye looks horrible.
Coach is hilarious, suddenly going on about "a youth movement in WWE." Well, not this week, or for the next two.
Ric Flair goes twenty minutes on national television and leads Carlito to the best match of his career, wins with the figure-four, and the fans can't stop Whooing.
For those of you new to this kind of thing, Ric Flair is the greatest worker in the history of the wrestling business. You can look it up.
Matt Hardy (Man, does his ass hurt or what?) is in the middle of a bad Explain The Angles promo when Shawn Michaels saves him. Big Show does some Dusty Rhodes walking, talking, fire-breathing then John Cena joins in. A little contrived...
Ric Flair, with "a little battle scar," explains to Mariah why they call him the Nature Boy. He's cutting a serious promo when Carlito jumps him and Chris Masters puts him in the Masterlock. Carlito spits apple in his face and kicks him over and over again in the chest. Carlito and Masters make a good team. Carlito gives Masters some personality and Masters gives Carlito some muscle.
Why do I get the feeling Triple H saw footage from 25 years ago of Ric Flair reuniting with Greg Valentine against The Iron Sheik and Jimmy Snuka? (June 8, 1980) Two weeks from tonight, Ric Flair reunites with his best friend and...
Just walk very slowly down the apron.
Oh, and if it's true, we're in for a treat. It'll work like a f---ing charm.
The main event is going to last a while. Chris Masters & Snitsky & Edge & Kurt Angle face Matt Hardy & Big Show & Shawn Michaels & John Cena. This is the typical good hard-working eight man that gets booked when Creative is tired and needs to plan for a bigger show. This is a good match that ends when all four good guys sit on Edge for the pin.
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