09.29.06

Muscle Screech From Muscle Beach
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Please do not e-mail message me to ask me if I’ve heard about or would like to hear about Screech’s made-up sexcatape where he is in a bathtub and there are imaginary multiple ladies and he does things with them that only exist in a fratboy’s fever dream and maybe Las Vegas.

I cannot emphasize this enough – I do not care about the Screecher’s imaginary Paris Hiltoning that he’s probably making up in order to out-lame Bob Saget or Andy Dick or something.

09.01.06

Sorry dudes!
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Hey everybody - I’ve gotten a few emails of concern, so I thought it was time to alleviate your furrowed brows and aching hearts. I AM in fact alive and in no danger. I’ve actually just been really really busy - I’m starting law school right now (because man cannot live on making fun of a retarded tv show alone), and I thought I would have some free time this week but in fact I was totally wrong.

The good news is I’ve got a bunch of episodes in the DVR, but the less good news is I really don’t know when I’ll get to 'em. But I will. As I’ve said before, sign up for the “Notify List” thingy on the sidebar, and I’ll send out an email when I next update. You can also make Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day your LiveJournal buddy (http://syndicated.livejournal.com/sbtbqotd), if you are into that sort of thing, and that will update when I update, I believe.

And again, thanks everybody for reading and all your nice emails about how you like this one tv show that mostly sucks and this one blog about this one tv show that mostly sucks! You guys are nice!

Have a good fall and check back in next time I eat lunch at home.

08.11.06

Running Zack
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Sorry about the delay everybody. I ran into a couple of problems this week (moving, new DVR, etc, etc), but I was at least able to catch today’s episode. I’m going on vacation for two weeks, but I’ve got the DVR hard at work while I’m gone, so the last week in August should be rich with Quotes of the Day. Hoorah and all that.

Moving on, today, Saved by the Bell tackles the difficult issue of race relations with all their renowned subtlety and maturity. You see, it’s talk about your ancestors week in Miss Wentworth’s Whatever the Hell Miss Wentworth Teaches class and look out because it turns out Zack is one-kablillionth Native American and, to teach Zack a lesson, Miss Wentworth sends him unaccompanied to a pot-smoking Indian surfer’s house. Then the guy dies. Then Zack almost doesn’t run in the big track meet against Valley. But then the Indian surfer’s ghost visits him (what?) and he does, and a nation’s wounds are healed because if there’s one thing the white man and the red man can agree on, it’s that Valley sucks.

Also in today’s episode, Slater’s family’s only accomplishment is that one of them was a bullfighter once which sounds about right, Screech is the descendant of an Italian spy for some reason and uses that as an excuse to do the worst Italian accent ever (Mama mia, whassamatta for you, Screechini!), and, most importantly, Lisa’s ancestor was a slave and Jessie’s were slave traders so there is a lot of white guilt shone through the prism of crazy that is Jessie Spannow.

Today’s Quote

Chief Henry: Your people ran too, Zack. Only, not for trophies - they ran to preserve their way of life.

That’s some deep shit, man.


Most Implausible Moment

Oh, I guess I’d say the part where Zack is visited by the GHOST OF A DEAD INDIAN.


PUNS! Watch

It was a misunderstandathon in Miss W’s class:

Lisa: “...he became a conductor on the Underground Railroad.”
Screech: “They had subways during the Civil War?”

-AND-

Miss Wentworth: “We can all learn from the mistakes of Jessie’s forefathers.”
Screech: “Jessie has four fathers?!”
Also, ouch, Miss W!

AND, lastly, you didn’t think we’d get out of this episode without this, did you?

Zack: “Hey, and you could help me be an Indian...”
Screech: “How?”
Zack: “That’s a good start.”


What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

After Lisa attests to the bravery of her escaped slave ancestor, Slater adds:

Slater: “My great grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter.”

Yeah, I can see how fighting for the freedom of your race and fighting a cow are equivalen – Jesus, Slater, you are an idiot.


Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Well, on top of sending a minor to some crazy dude’s house without any permission from anybody AND announcing people’s grades in class, she’s also got a potty mouth:

Miss Wentworth: "Zack has my permission to go kick some Valley a– rear-end.


The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

Two more today:

1. Luigi Powerelli - dashing debonair Italian lover and spy. Great grandfather paternal side, I’m assuming.
2. Aunt Hannah - the one who looks like an old Indian but with thicker sideburns. Side not mentioned.


Remember the 90’s?! Watch

Jessie (to Lisa): “I will carry you on my back.”
Slater: “Hey, there’s a picture - Driving Miss Dizzy.”

Hahaha, oh man that Slater wit claims another victim.

07.29.06

Little Break
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Hey everybody, SbtB QotD is going to take a week-long break while I attend to some business. Unless something goes horribly wrong, we return on Monday, Aug 7.

07.28.06

Cut Day
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Look out cuz it’s the Bayside Annual Cut Day where the school lets everybody not go to school even though they have it. Everybody, that is, except for Zack. It seems our blonde Tom Cruise already has taken 9 of his 10 unexcused absences (WHAT) and so if he cuts he gets suspension but he has a bet with Slater and so on.

Also in this episode, Slater makes the only smart choice he’ll ever make by deciding to break up with Jessie, we meet Graham the Environmentalist Who Sucks and watch him attempt to bring down the plastic foam establishment that we hate to tell it to him had already been brought down sometime in the late 80’s, Mrs Culpepper who is still hilariously blind (she thinks North America is Africa on a map dudes) has her emotions cruelly toyed with, Screech eats Taliban-approved candied insects and Zack uses them to make Mr Belding barf on command, and Screech and Lisa do the old “buried-in-the-sand-drinking-from-a-straw-whoops-the-glass-is-empty-now” gag that was probably hilarious when some Egyptian Pharaoh’s court jester first made it. Now, not so much. Not so much at all.

Today’s Quote

Zack: The crunchy part’s the thorax heheheh.


Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Graham has all the same interests as Jessie, serves on Student Council with Jessie, and sits next to Jessie in all of her classes, and yet, the two have never really met before today. And by “somehow” I mean, “In this part that is retarded”.


Nerds And Things They Like Watch

Today, a motion made by four nerds, two dorks, and a dweeb (this Draconian nerd classification system is not elaborated upon) for a day of mourning recognizing the anniversary of the cancellation of Gilligan’s Island. Later, the dweeb (Franklin is his name, for those of you keeping score at home) also alludes to a Mr Ed resolution.

The upshot being that I guess nerds really like their 60’s tv.


Jessie and Graham’s Protest Sign Omnibus

1. It’s Time To Wake Up, Drink From A Paper Cup
2. Go Home Plastic Foam
3. Plastic Foam - The Choice Of Idiots

and, my favorite,

4. Drink Now - Die Later
Um, I think I prefer it that way guys.


These Boots Were Made For Walking Watch

Unnamed Teacher: “Where did we leave off?”
Jessie: “We were discussing the obvious benefits of a female president. She’s long overdue.”
Zack: “Yup, just like a woman - always late.”

Haha Zack, also they drive bad too am I right?


Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Slater: “Zack owes me one hundred smackers.”

07.27.06

Hold Me Tight
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Ok so this episode has exactly one thing to recommend it: Coach Sonski. Man, everything out of the dude’s mouth was rock solid gold. Otherwise, there’s a girl who wants to be wrestler and blah blah blah but seriously Coach Sonski and Mr Dewey should totally have had a spin-off where they were outer space astronauts stuck in a space station and Sonski was messy and Dewey was clean and Dewey’s always reading some math book or practicing his karate and Sonski is like “Hey Dewey, check out dis peanut butter and beer sandwich I just invented” and Dewey would be all “Son-SKI! That wasn’t peanut butter - that was the last of our rocket fuel!” and Sonski would be all “Well strap me to da back a dis space station, 'cuz I’m about ta fire da ignition.” You get the idea.

Also in this episode, Zack is both turned on and threatened by an empowered woman like the rest of us, Jessie can turn racist and back again on a dime, Jessie is so crazy that it’s starting to make me a bit uncomfortable, the narratively convenient KKTY Bayside Radio Station appears again this time with the hit show “Spannow Speaks”, Coach Sonski and Mr B are called pigs over 5 times in the first ten minutes, and there’s this awesome Valley bully who attacks Zack and screams about murder until some nerd trips him. That part was pretty good.

Today’s Quote

Coach Sonski: "Hey you worked on the full nelson and the half-nelson - why don’t you show her the Willie Nelson? That’s a country and wrestling joke, heh heh heh heh. [singing] I’ve got spurs that jingle jangle...


Most Implausible Moment

With the exception of Jessie’s hairpin emotional turns, this episode wasn’t tremendously implausible. So, I guess maybe I wonder where Bayside AND Valley found two 110 lbs. male high school students?



Before The Cock Crows, You Will Deny Me Three Times Watch

Kelly: “[Jessie]’s my friend, but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.”

Man, the past couple of days, Spannow-Kapowski relations seem strangely icy.


Subliminal Explanation Watch

So at one point, Jessie has a picket sign with a big capital S M P running down it (it says “Stop Macho Pigism”). No big deal, right? Well, when she turns it upside down to argue with Mr B and the capital letters read backwards, her character’s motivation for the whole episode clicks into place.


Coach Sonski Speaks!

Coach Sonski: “That’s cute honey, but this is a gym, not a Jane.”

Coach Sonski: “You wanna wrestle with girls, date 'em.”

Kristy Barnes: “That’s not fair!”
Coach Sonski: “Well I don’t have hair and that’s not fair either.”

Coach Sonski: “I don’t care if I’m hated - I have pets at home who love me.”

Coach Sonski: “Ok, I’m sensitive to dames. I watch Oprah.”


How’d That Get Past Stands? Watch

Jessie: “There were a lot of snorts and grunts heard at Bayside yesterday, and they weren’t just from the sweaty, red-faced wrestlers.”

-AND-

Jessie (to Slater): “Yeah, when was the last time you held Rodriguez like that?”

07.26.06

Operation: Zack
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What’s that you say? Zack is all of a sudden the star player on the Bayside Basketball team? And today’s the big championship game? Well, I hope nothing goes - OH NOES Mr Belding stopped short in the doorway and Zack bumped into him and now Zack needs knee surgery - which, if Saved by the Bell has its medical facts straight (and I assume it does), is somehow both nothing to worry about and the MOST SERIOUS THING IN THE UNIVERSE EVER. Will Zack live? Yes.

Also in this episode, Lisa takes a narratively convenient job as a candy striper, Mr Belding compromises almost all of his professional integrity because Zack walked into him and so he takes all of Zack’s tests for him which I mean c'mon Saved by the Bell that is retarded, the basketball coach is very short which is hilarious because basketball players are supposed to be tall get it?, Slater plays basketball too which probably doesn’t make the wrestling coach too happy, it turns out in heaven everybody looks like Screech which is pretty strange I think, it turns out nurses are basically strippers without the class and also have no problem hitting on high school kids, Zack has a ridiculous dream sequence funeral where he is buried in his locker and for some reason none of his family attends, and, finally, Saved by the Bell has no shame in shining up the old “remote control controls hospital bed not tv” comedy chestnut. In fact, it’s a gag so nice, they do it twice!

Today’s Quote

Kelly: Zack, is there anything I can do for you before I punch Jessie out?

The best thing about this quote is it came from nowhere. I was all :O


Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Lisa (tearfully): Please God, take care of my friend.

Guys, the room was all dark and there was a single light shining on Lisa who had her tear-filled eyes raised pleadingly to the sky and dear God in heaven and all the saints please let our friend live through his very very serious minor knee surgery.

Remind me never to get knee surgery in Bayside because jeez Louise everybody was freaking out.


Most Implausible Moment

Somehow, Mr Belding was both at the hospital with Zack and at the game to mess up Slater’s big shot. Um, that’s impossible, even without LA traffic. (PS: I think I heard on Leno once that LA has bad traffic).


The Powers Family Tree Assemblage Corner

We learn the names of two of the Screecher’s uncles today:

1. Uncle Shyster, the lawyer with the amazingly appropriate name.
2. Uncle Maury, who was killed getting his tonsils removed. RIP Uncle Maury.

Screech didn’t mention if they are maternal or paternal, so place these two names in your misc. folders for now.


Remember the 90’s?! Watch

Screech: “Call me Air Zack.”
Slater: “Air Nerd is more like it.”

Haha, good one Slater. Also, by way of explanation, Screech was dressed like Zack dressed in his basketball uniform because something something barf.


Black Nerd Watch

Black Nerd (at Zack’s dream sequence funeral): “Zack, you were a pretty cool dude, for a non-nerd.”

I love the black nerd dudes, but it might be all in the voice.


How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

It’s an innuendoruption today dudes:

Monique the nurse: “Keep her around in case you choke on a bone.”

-AND-

Lisa: “When you did that you ripped off my skirt and I fell and bumped my butt on the ice.”

-AND-

Ugly Sex-Starved Nurse: “Doctor, heal me with your kisses!”

07.25.06

The Bayside Triangle
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Hey hey hey - what is going on here Saved by the Bell??? The only explanation for today’s episode would be that some executive at NBC let his thirteen-year-old daughter turn the fan fiction she wrote in study hall into a script for an entire show because seriously dudes. Seriously. This episode will blow your minds.

Because in today’s episode, Screech turns his Lisa-stalking up to “restraining order” which would be business as usual except, well, at the exact time, um, well, um, uh, well, Lisa starts making out with Zack. There’s also some nonsense about FIT and clothing designing and blah blah blah, but dudes Lisa and Zack totally make out and are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever and ever except that they won’t and will have forgotten all about this by tomorrow. If only I were so lucky.

Also in this episode, you can totally see why Zack digs Lisa because she alternates between lame sarcasm and general pissiness the entire time, I think Jessie was supposed to be drunk for a while, Kelly does that sit-com thing where her “clothes don’t fit” but she really just sticks her elbow in the sleeve to make it look like her clothes don’t fit, Zack wears these awesome Lisa-designed pants with suede faux-chaps and an even awesomer Navajo-esque jacket in the style that is favored by real-estate agents and car-dealership owners in Nevada or Colorado, Slater does this half-dancing/half-Heismann/all-awful runway walk, there is a patented SBtB “Almost Fight” where Screech rips Zack’s shirt and Zack is all “Mikey/Slater/Screech, I’m Not Going to Fight You”, and Screech and Lisa get to ACT and ACT and ACT!

Today’s Quote

Screech: Morris, you’ve got an appointment with fate, and fate’s got curly hair


Most Implausible Moment

Why do college admissions people on Saved by the Bell make 100% of their admissions decisions in the Max?

Also, while not NECESSARILY implausible, this entire episode gives me the heebie-jeebies.


What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch – Special Also What Is Wrong With Zack? Edition

Zack: “Hopefully, I’ll be in college, living in a sorority house.”
Slater: “Hey, good idea, preppie. I’ll live with you.”
Zack: “Our roommates will be Tonya, Lola, and Heather.”
Slater: “I can see it now – ‘Come hither, Heather.’”
Sigh. Guys, sometimes I am just so glad that these people aren’t really my friends.


Jessie And Her Strange Hypotheticals Watch

Jessie: “Lisa, a big fat pimple in the middle of your forehead on prom night just happens – kisses require planning.”

Um, that sure is a lot of detail for a whole lot of nonsense.


Future Oprah Bookclub Member Watch

Lisa: “You mean I got in? Oh girl, you are too much.”

Hahaha, I love it when they remember that Lisa is black, if only for a second.


Nerds And The Things They Like Watch

Unnamed Nerd: “Wake up and smell the Bosco, dollface.”

Wait, I thought nerds liked Ovaltine Saved by the Bell? I’m confused.


Project Runway Watch

Screech: “Model Zack Morris is wearing the perfect outfit … FOR STABBING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK!”

07.21.06

Mystery Weekend
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Hey guys have you ever wondered what would happen if your local community theater group and the gang from Bayside got together for a special murder mystery dinner theater night over at the old Stage ‘n’ Steak? No? Well, in today’s episode we find out anyway! And the answer: It will suck! You see, today Lisa wins an off-camera radio contest and the gang goes to the Jameson mansion for a murder mystery thingy and Steve checks the DVR time and realizes he has to watch another 18 minutes of this shit.

Also in today’s episode, no Mr B which is a pretty dependable sign for episode lameness, the butler did it sort of, the butler acts like Igor and Columbo at different times, there is a naughty French maid with an inconsistent accent who is supposed to look hot but mostly looks sort of old, Jessie is racist against the French and/or the help, Screech does the worst Sherlock Holmes impression ever, there is some more of the increasingly obligatory cross-dressing, and lordy lord guys this episode was boring.

Today’s Quote

Jeanette: Mr Jameson is so cheap he steals towels from his own hotel.

I know, I know. That’s just stupid. They didn’t give me much to work with here, dudes.


Most Implausible Moment

Ok, aside from the gang being convinced that Zack killed Lisa for $500 and an old lady’s crappy necklace, why is Lisa’s “mango-tonic with a twist of kiwi” pink? None of those things are pink Saved by the Bell.


PUNS! Watch

Stephen Jameson III: “Care to take another stab at it?” (right after the butler gets stabbed, hyuck hyuck barf)

-AND-

Jeanette the Maid: “I’ve brought Inspector Piccadilly from the yard.”

Even the puns are lame.


Awkward Sexual Admission Watch

Victor the piano player (to Jessie): “For you my beauty, I’ll play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds.”

...and give me another ten and I’ll be done with everything else too! Heeey-OH!


Official Number of Times Screech Is Called A “Dork” In One Episode

3


Saved by the Bell Subtly Imparts A Message

Kelly: “You know, smoking is pretty bad for your health.”
Screech: “Yeah and our health too. Secondhand smoke is deadly.”

Man, what a bunch of preachy-preaches these kids can be.


That’s it for today. You guys owe me one.

07.20.06

Student-Teacher Week
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So it’s Student-Teacher week at Bayside (clever title there, Saved by the Bell) and Zack is principal so everything should be awesome right? Wrong, because watch out Kelly wants to be a teacher when she grows up and we all know that schools base their hiring decisions almost entirely on how well the potential employee did at their high school’s student-teacher week. And what’s that you say? It’s also this week’s big game against Valley and Slater and the boys don’t wanna study cuz they’ve got to learn their new plays? I smell conflict! Ultimately, Slater learns the important lesson not to try to take advantage of your friend who might want to be a teacher when she grows up during student-teacher week or you’ll put your other friend who got made principal in order to learn responsibility in an awkward position. And that’s a lesson we should all keep in mind.

Also in today’s episode, Ox!, Bull!, Pete the Nerd!, Lisa and Screech teach some nerds in gym class, Mr Belding acts irresponsibly, Zack is the first man ever to successfully use being a high school principal to get laid, Zack decorates his office with G'n'R, LL Cool J, Paula Abdul, and what appear to be two(!) TLC posters - the same ones your little sister used to decorate her room in middle school!, Screech does the worst Hans and Franz ever for the second time, and did I mention Ox?

Today’s Quote

Screech: I’m Muscle Screech from Muscle Beach, but starting tomorrow you can call me teach.

I’ve said this before, but, seriously, stop and think about this for a moment - somebody wrote that.


Most Implausible Moment

Ox: “If we take that test, we’ll flink!”
Slater: “That’s flunk, Ox.”

C'mon, Saved by the Bell. Even you are better than that.


Create Your Own Context Watch

Jessie: “Our apologies to Muffin Sangria, whose dummy Jo-Jo was eaten by termites.”


What Is Wrong With Slater? Watch

Slater: “Our tackling dummy is broken so all cute blondes are welcome to come in and fill out.”

I know where you’re going with this one, AC, but, um, you’re an idiot.


Bayside’s Ambitious Lesson Plans Watch

Kelly: “Today we’re going to talk about World War I and World War II.”

I guess we gotta assume the Bayside history class only meets three times a semester, so they gotta make these classes count.


Misused Insult Alert

Screech (to Pete): “Is that a chest or did two Tic-Tacs fall down your shirt?”

Um, Screech, Pete’s a dude. Dudes don’t care about the size of their breasts.


How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

Screech: “It would be a shame not to share my bodily secrets with the student body.”

-AND-

Lisa: “Get ‘em movin’, Screech - I wanna see some hard bodies around here.”

-AND-

Kelly: “...and I’m known as Miss Kapowski, the girl with no class.”
Aw!

07.19.06

Love Machine
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So in today’s episode, Albert Clifford Slater’s girlfriend from Germany, Jennifer, magically appears at Bayside in the middle of science class, and whut-oh looks like AC and Jen forgot to break up, and watch out because also it is the “Make Your Own Invention” Unit in Mr Tuttle’s science class (what) and Screech and Kelly invented a “Love Machine” that tests compatibly (WHAT) and I wonder if this invention might become important later in the episode? If you will allow me to be so presumptuous as to answer my own question, the answer is yes. Yes it will.

As a side note, there was one of those Love Machine thingys in the mall when I was growing up, and, to answer yet another question, yes ladies, according to the machine, I was “Hot To Trot”. Wiiii-ink.

Also in this episode, barely any Mr B though he does do the one thing where he says “My door is always open” and then when he goes to the door hahaha it is locked, Screech basically spends the episode screwing everybody over, Zack shines up the old “Walk-this-way” chestnut by “walking-this-way” like Mr Tuttle, Jessie is racist against Slater, Jessie is racist against ex-girlfriends from Germany, Jessie is seriously insane, we learn that the name of the movie theater in Berlin is the Berlinaplex which I am pretty sure is a lie, and, finally, there is some cross-dressing! which brings Zack back to his bad accent tour of the world, this time doing the worst old lady impression ever!


Today’s Quote

Kelly: Jessie slammed her gavel on Ronald Geekman’s hand so hard that his retainer flew out and hit Mr Belding in the eye.

If somebody ever asked me to reduce the whole Saved by the Bell experience into one sentence, that one would pretty much be it.


Most Implausible Moment

Jennifer: “When Albert left, we made one of those promises that we wouldn’t go out with anyone else ever.”

Oh, one of those promises. Wait a second. What?

Also, Slater and Jen really break up because they can’t agree between Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner? Really?


Saved by the Bell Tells Jokes My High School Geometry Teacher Used To Make Watch

Zack: “We’re the perfect team - she works hard, I hardly work!”

Seriously, the guy made the “working hard/hardly working” joke like every class. You don’t want to be like this guy, Saved by the Bell!


SLATERism Watch

Screech: “Always the guinea pig, never the guinea.”

Hahahahuh???


How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

Zack: “I’m sorry Mr Tuttle, science just doesn’t turn me on.”
Mr Tuttle: “Oh hooey! Science is the ultimate turn on.”

-AND-

Zack: “She’s your sweet loving mama.”
Slater: “Yeah, she is my mama, isn’t she?”

Guys, both those lines made me more than a little bit uncomfortable. I think I’m going to go have a shower.

07.16.06


by
Hey everyone,

Looks like I’m going to be hanging at the Malibu Beach Club for a couple of days and there’s no internet there. Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day returns Wednesday.

- Steve

07.14.06

Rockumentary
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Oh man, guys - I’ve been holding out all week for this one. It is, of course, the absolutely mind-blowing Behind The Music-esque “Zack Attack” story, narrated by one CASEY KASEM! Fans will remember that this is Casey’s second visit to Bayside, which I guess that isn’t really surprising because I mean what else did Casey Kasem have to do in the 90’s. This episode has so much singin' and dancin' and pop clichés and ridiculous clothes and singin' and dancin' and Friends Forever and Did We Ever Have A Chance? and dudes it is just the greatest. The only things missing from this episode were Mr B (who I missed) and Jessie (who I didn’t). Seriously though, you’d have to be pretty glutton for punishment to pledge eternal friendship to Jessica Myrtle Spannow.

Also in this episode, Zack doesn’t really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Don Henley, Slater doesn’t really sing and but the dude who does sounds a little like Michael McDonald, Lisa doesn’t really sing and but the lady who does sounds a little less like Don Henley, and Kelly doesn’t really sing and but the lady who does sounds exactly like a cat trying to claw its way out of a burlap sack in the bottom of a river. Additionally, publicist Mindy Wallatzer is like Yoko but without the Asian, Zack dresses like Vanilla Ice, Slater dresses like Evel Knievel, Lisa becomes an American Gladiator, Kelly dresses like a nun, what appear to be transvestite Madonna and Michael Jackson impersonators give out awards, Bar Mitzvahs! are mentioned, and Slater just drums and dances and sings and dances and drums and smiles and sings and dances and smiles and smiles!

WHEW

Today’s Quote

Kelly: Are you really interested in us?
Brian Fate: Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?

Um, no?


Most Implausible Moment

Hahahahaha.

Ha ha ha.


PUNS! Watch

Casey Kasem: “Little did they know, fate was at their door...”
Brian Fate: “Hello, I’m Brian Fate!”

-AND-

Lisa: “If you don’t get rid of Linda, I’m gonna throw her out the winda.”
I know, I know, that’s not a pun. But it is GLORIOUS.


Daddy, Did People Actually Talk Like That? Watch

Brian Fate: People, people, this studio costs mucho dinero ... MONEY.


Made Up Magazines Watch

The following made-up magazines make an appearance today:
1. Billbox
2. The National Inquisitor
3. Sins
4. The Hollywood Reporter

Hahaha, ZING on you, Hollywood Reporter!

Also, the fake Billbox actually has the headline visibly glued onto it. Um, if you’re going to go to the trouble of printing up a fake Billbox, why, uh, why wouldn’t you just print the fake headline ONTO THE ACTUAL MAGAZINE SAVED BY THE BELL?


Couplets! Watch

Slater, Kelly, and Screech: "School is a bore, when you’re stuck indoors
Make it fun, put it out in the sun!
Hit the beach, teach
Let us learn while we buuuuuurn!"


Poingancy! Watch

Casey Kasem: This garage, which gave birth to so many hopes and dreams, is empty now...

Haha, so is my brain, Casey! Now!


Have a good weekend everybody!

07.13.06

The Teacher’s Strike
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Uh-oh, is it time for teacher contract negotiation AND the annual Bayside-Valley Academic Bowl again? What do these two things have to do with each other? Pretty much nothing! So basically this episode is split in half - the first part dealing with a labor dispute between Mr B and Mr Tuttle where Zack and Slatzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the other part where there are Valley nerds. Valley. Nerds.

Also in this episode, Zack and Slater are wearing women’s ski outfits but don’t seem to know it, beaucoup de Tuttle, Lisa is on the Academic Bowl team for some reason despite her SAT score, and um did I mention the VALLEY FREAKIN' NERDS??? Also, for some reason, Kelly is not in this episode, and the audience is left to speculate why. Well, I mean, if they cared, which they don’t so on with the show!


Today’s Quote

Screech: All right, astrophysics. First, think of Astro, the Jetson’s dog. Jetson’s means “jet propulsion”, with properties A, B, C ... C ... see ya real soon!
Jessie: Oh no, he died!



Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Screech: Can you remember the word “mvemjsnup”? ... It’s the name of the planets according to their distance from the sun - “M" for Mercury, ”V" for Venus, “E” ... e? ... ee-i-ee-i-oh!
Zack: Screech! What’s the rest of it?
Screech: Old McDonald had a farm!

Hahaha, I love how Zack can’t figure the rest out for himself. Good God, this show is stupid.


Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack and Slater spend the whole first half of this episode scamming to get the teachers to strike, and they do, but then Mr B tells them that the Academic Bowl will be cancelled, Lisa and Jessie pout for like a second, and then, poof, next scene, Zack and Slater end the strike. I mean, seriously, it’s like they weren’t even trying with this one. Maybe that’s why Kelly walked out? I wanted to.

Also, why does Bayside have its teacher contract negotiations in the middle of the school year? That, uh, that seems dumb.


Hey Abbott! Watch

Slater: “He just got the sniffles from skiing in his underwear.”
Jessie: “Why were you skiing in your underwear?”
Screech: “Because I forgot my pajamas.”
Lisa: “You go skiing in your pajamas?!”
Screech: “Now why would I do that? Then I’d have nothing to sleep in at night!”

Hahahahaha! Third base!


Come And Knock On Our Door Watch

Slater: “No doofus, we’re going skiing at Big Bear Mountain. It’s winter break and the slopes’ll be packed with ski bunnies.”

But then how will you convince Mr Furley that Jack is still gay after he sees you two with Gretchen and Inga at the ski lodge, Larry??


Remember the 90’s?! Watch

Screech: "What’s the zip code of Northern Zimbabwe?
Lisa: “90210?”
Screech: “Errrrnnn - wrong answers. That would be Zimbabwe Hills.”
You know, I think I hate that joke...

Mervin (Valley nerd!): “Save your breath, Earl - you’re dealing with people who think ‘quantum physics’ is a TV show.”
...but I’m certain I love that one.

Zack: “I believe it’s Michael ‘Air’ Jordan.”
Wow, Zack really does know a lot about basketball - he’s heard of Michael Jordan!!!


The Nerd-Sports-Switcheroo Compendium

1. Kareem Abdul Montana
2. Air McMahon
3. OJ Chamberlain

Guys, give me a second, I think a pattern might be forming...


How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Tuttle: “Girls, are you ready to bone up for the bowl?”

07.12.06

S.A.T.s.
by
So in today’s episode, we learn the hierarchy of intelligence of our friends at Bayside. Slater, of course, is the dumbest, and Zack scored the impossible score of 1502 (not impossible because it’s so high - impossible because it is not mathematically possible to score a 1502 on the SAT SAVED BY THE BELL). Also whut-oh and watch out because Jessie also got an impossible score but her’s is impossibly lower than Zack’s and Jessie reacts the only way she knows how - by going batshit insane. What does all this mean? Why, of course, scamming and subterfuge! Also, for some reason, at Bayside the principal walks around the gym announcing everybody’s SAT score out loud to college representatives which seems a bit odd but whatever, Saved by the Bell knows what’s up.

Also in this episode, James the Thespian! returns to his narratively conveniant job at the Max, the future Mrs Ben Stiller (fresh off the set of Hey Dude!) jumpstarts her career in a virtuoso turn as Heather the girl who dates Bob (who are these people?), Stansbury is racist against Jessie, Jessie is racist against cheerleaders, Jessie is racist against football players, Jessie is racist against hypocrites, Jessie is racist against Zack, and how come Screech didn’t do better on the SATs? I mean, for chrissake, the dude built a talking robot! Remember??


Today’s Quote

James: Madam, north, south, east, or west, there’s only one HAAAAAAR-vard
So how come they can use the name Harvard but not Stanford? Also, MORE JAMES PLZ SAVED BY THE BELL. THX. SRSLY.


Most Implausible Moment

Lisa: “I thought you got a part in a play.”
James: “I did. We performed Cats in dog suits, but I quit when they started throwing bones at us.”

Wait. What?


The Official Bayside Intelligence Hierarchy
1. Zack (1502)
2. Screech (1220)
3. Jessie (1205)
4. Lisa (1140)
5. Kelly (1100)
6. Slater (1050)

I advise that you print that out and keep it in your wallet. I can’t see how it won’t come in handy at some point.


PUNS! Watch

Jessie: “I’m a lean, mean, answering machine.”
You know, I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but that pun pretty much blows.


Hoop Dreams Watch

Slater: “Boy, it’s a good thing I didn’t tell her [Stansbury] offered me a car.”
Um, maybe you shouldn’t tell anybody about that Slater.


Names James Calls The Stansbury Representative Omnibus

1. Mrs Potbellyham
2. Mrs Billygoatcheesehamsandwiches

I guess James really likes ham, dudes.

07.11.06

The Lisa Card
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Whew. For the first ten minutes or so of this episode, I was a little worried because it was all “Lisa spent too much money on her dad’s credit card” and “wah wah wah” and “this is just like a normal bad sitcom” and “where is the weird Saved by the Bell?” There was even a totally wasted dream sequence where Lisa’s dad was the devil and Screech was the Grim Reaper and Lisa dressed like a punk and I know I know that sounds crazy, but it wasn’t. Trust me.

But then, whoa boy, we come back from commercial and get this totally insane Miss Wentworth class about animals doing it (you’ll remember her as the teacher who lied about subliminal advertising and who really should be fired dudes), Slater talking to Mr Belding about wanting to be a transvestite, Mr Belding talking about going to prom with his sister, Mr Belding talking about making it with a Vietnamese girl when he fighting was in 'Nam (WHAT), Lisa as a waitress and they play the tape real fast because Slater used to be a busboy in Bolivia (HUH?), and this really long bit where Lisa has a thought bubble over head and it basically replays the entire episode for some reason. Guys, Saved by the Bell is really a pretty weird show.

Also in this episode, Mr B does the worst Elvis impression ever, the twins buy cowboy boots, and nerds reiterate their fondness for retainers and Ovaltine.


Today’s Quote

Mr Belding: After the war, I was dateless again. That Viet Cong girl dumped me.
Not really a joke, but this whole bit just blew my friggin' mind ok?


Most Implausible Moment

Jessie: “Thirty-seven dollars in tips in three hours? I can’t believe it!”

Um, I can.


Miss Wentworth Should Seriously Be Fired Watch

Kelly: “You mean reproduction in the animal kingdom?”
Miss Wentworth: “I prefer to call it ‘monkey business in the jungle.’”

Slater: “Yeah, how come birds aren’t attracted to horses?”
Miss Wentworth: “Oh, but they are. Unfortunately, there just isn’t room in the nest.”

Miss Wentworth: “Today’s topic: The Pond - Nature’s Hot Tub.”

Add to that getting the class to do impressions of frogs, insects, and birds in heat, and you’ve got a teacher who is seriously unstable. And, I ask this again, what the hell class does this lady teach??

How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

It was an innuendo bonanza today, even taking out Miss Wentworth’s class.

Screech (discussing a piece of Lisa’s lingerie he just bought(!)): It will lie next to me in my bed.
Lisa: I thought you slept with your dog?
Screech: He won’t mind!

-AND-

Mr Belding: “I’ll never forget her first words to me - don’t swallow your tongue!”

-AND-

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered - you were supposed to toast my buns!”

-AND-

Lisa: “Daddy, I was kissed by nerds!”

-AND-

Lisa: "Daddy, punish me!"

07.10.06

The Election
by
Hahaha, ok, so this episode has been sitting on my DVR since the last time I did this which is well over a year ago and that is a long time to have a fairly stupid episode of Saved by the Bell taking up precious space on a DVR so what I’m saying is this is the sort of dedication you won’t find on other Saved by the Bell blogs ok?

In today’s episode, there is an election and Bayside has a two party system, emphasis on the par-tay (if you’re reading this Carlos Mencia, you can have that one - I don’t mind, I’ve got a million of 'em). Zack runs against Jessie because there is trip to Washington DC that is funded by Student Government Foundation (what?) and the winner of the election gets to go to DC with Mr Belding and Mr Dewey (awesome) and for some reason the show seems to think that Washington DC is like Las Vegas crossed with Amsterdam crossed with Bangkok. With more hookers. WASHINGTON DC IS NOT THAT COOL SAVED BY THE BELL. Also in this episode, professionally-printed signs that no kid could have, a slick campaign video that no kid could have, Jessie is racist against food additives and women, Max wears a totally amazing “SPANO IS MY MAN-O” apron that I want as a t-shirt, and we find out Jessie’s middle name is Myrtle which is embarrassing dudes.

Today’s Quote

Mr Dewey: You make fun of algebra now, but when you’re all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won’t have a clue as to what everybody is laughing at.

Good gracious do I love the Dewman.


Most Implausible Moment

Ok so Zack announces he’s running in math class (why does the math teacher run student government at Bayside any way?) and then that very afternoon the Max is covered in professionally printed “Vote for Zack” signs and he’s got a speech ready and everything. So either every kid happens to be on the exact same wash cycle as every other kid in Bayside, causing them to always wear the same clothes on the same day and this is like two weeks later or Saved by the Bell is retarded. I’m going with the latter.


PUNS! Watch

Jessie: “But I’m warning you, Zack, I’m going to kick your butt.”
Mr Dewey: “Mr Morris, care to rebut?”
Hahaha. If I ever met Mr Dewey, I would shower him in high fives.

Screech: “...and now you’re losing your jock support!”


ALF/Gorbachev/Jason Bateman Watch

I’ve expanded the title of this section because it is ridiculous how often they mention Jason Bateman on this show. I wonder which 55-year-old writer thought The Bateman was such hot shit with the tweens in the early 90’s?

Gorbachev (in Zack’s campaign video): “Zack Morris can bring peace.”
This was followed with a ridiculous bit where Fidel Castro goes “Only Zack can shave me correctly” which if Castro ever saw he would probably wish the CIA had assassinated him in the 60’s. Hahaha, ZING on Castro.

Mr Belding: “For student body president, these people got the following write-in votes: Jason Bateman - 9; ALF - 7; Gilligan - 6; [singing] and the Skipper two.”
This could also be filed under PUNS! and might also have been the Quote of the Day if it wasn’t for the tsunami of awesome that is the Dewman.


Remember the 90’s?! Watch

Zack: “Me? Run? That’s like asking Rosanne Barr to skip a meal.”

-AND-

Screech’s Washington Brochure: “Washington After Dark - sipping ales with the Quayles.”


Saved by the Bell Hates Cleveland Watch

Kelly: “You’ll go down in history with George McGovern, Walter Mondale, and the Cleveland Indians.”
Man, why you always gotta be pickin' on C-town, Saved by the Bell?


How’d This Get Past Standards? Watch

Mr Belding: “I’ll never forget the last time Mrs. B and I went to Washington - we were arrested for skinny dipping in the Potomac.”
Seriously? Because that’s gross, dude.

-AND-

Mr Belding: “Slater, sweet innocent man child, Zack Morris is like a vacuum cleaner - he’ll suck you in if he can.”
Haha, Saved by the Bell you are like a vacuum cleaner in that you keep sucking too!


Ok, see you tomorrow guys and girls!


06.27.06


by
Mark your calendars - Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day returns Monday, July 10th 2006.


!

04.27.06

New SBtB QotD’s Coming This Summer
by
Hey everybody, thanks for your emails and interest and etc in this stupid thing that I did. Since Adult Swim started airing Saved by the Bells last week, there’s been a spike in interest in all things Bayside, so I figured now would be a good time to let you all know that I’m planning to do a whole bunch of new Quotes of the Day in July (with maybe an extra special Charles in Charge week, if Channel 9 keeps running it at 11 every morning).

I’m storing up SBtB’s in the ol' DVR as we speak, and I’ve got some real doozys. So I’ll see you this summer, and if'n you want to keep up with the keepin' up with Steve right now, check out my weekly cartoony strip Poppycock Theater.

04.01.05

Aloha Slater
by
So this is the last entry for this run of the Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day. I’d like to say thanks to all of you new readers who emailed me, posted comments, blogged about the site, etc. - I still can’t believe that so many people like to read about somebody else watching TV.

This blog will update sporadically (basically, whenever I have lunch at home), so sign up to your right to receive an email next time I do a Quote of the Day. NotifyList is acting a little wonky, so if it doesn’t work now, try back in a little bit.

And now, without further folderol or adieu, here is the last SBtB of the spring: “Let’s Pretend Slater’s Dying So He Goes to Hawaii”. In today’s episode, Zack is mad because chicks dig jocks, so he makes up a disease ("Mumbioquadralationosis" for those keeping score)! What? Now Kelly is going to Hawaii too? Must be time for hi jinks and a lesson perhaps!

Also today, almost too much! Slater wrestles Mr B, Screech does the whole hiding-in-file-cabinet-handing-file-to-authority-figure schtick that Scooby-Doo used to get so much mileage from, Zack has a ridiculously low-budget light-bulb “I-have-an-idea” effect, an amazing scene where Mr Belding seems incredible callous and cruel and Jessie’s all “How could you?”, an amazing scene where Slater’s dad acts like a maniac and breaks his desk with his fist, an amazing scene where there is a goodbye hula dance for Slater and Screech cross-dresses and becomes the Pineapple Princess for no apparent reason, and (inexplicably due to ants and pepper) Slater dances and sneezes and dances and dances and sneezes and dances! Phew!

Today’s Quote

Mr. Belding: ...[Slater]’s very popular with the girls. In fact, he gets almost as many whistles around the pool as I do.
What’s Mr Belding doing walking around the pool?

Saved By The Bell Quote of the Day Hall of Fame

Unnamed Teacher: This is Study Hall, NOT SOUL TRAIN!


Most Implausible Moment

Um, who did they think they were kidding when they moved some lockers and inserted the trophy case to try and make it look like there’s a second hallway at Bayside? Because they are not fooling anybody.


Hey Abbott! Watch

Major Slater:"How do you find Mr Belding?"
Zack: “Confused, but well-meaning.”
Major Slater:"I mean his office. Where is it?"
Screech: “He’s with the school nurse.”
Major Slater: "And where is the school nurse?
Screech: “She’s with Mr. Belding.”
Major Slater: "I know that. Where’s her office?
(Screech and Zack point in opposite directions)

Hahahahaha! Third base!


ALF/Gorbachev Watch

It’s back!
Screech: “Third place, wow! I once finished fifth in an ALF look-alike contest!”


Remember the 90’s?! Watch

Zack: “Everyone hopes for that one shining moment: Joe Montana in the Super Bowl, Kirk Gibson in the World Series, Flo Jo in the Olympics...”

Hahaha! You forgot Bo Jackson, Zack!


How’d This Get Past Satndards? Watch

Kelly: “Will you teach me how to wrestle?”

-AND-

Slater: “You only get one chance with the Major.”


OK, that’s the end of this chapter! Stay awesome everybody!
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