Friday, August 31, 2007
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Patrick Hruby
A senator, two dogfighters and the most ridiculed U.S. American all make appearances. Story
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Roger Director
In an excerpt from "I Dream in Blue," Roger Director witnesses Tiki Barber's final moments. Book excerpt
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Jeff Pearlman
Eleven years since his career season with the Cardinals, Rod Tidwell has fallen on hard times. Story
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Gregg Easterbrook
Before he gets to his NFC preview, TMQ has college football and cupcakes on his mind. TMQ
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DJ Gallo
Get the scoop on the top college games of the weekend, including ND's tussle. A.M. Jump
• 25 Hours of CFB
Frank Franklin II/Associated Press
WHERE THE *$*#!*! WAS J.J. PUTZ?
I'm a Mariners fan. Please allow me a few minutes to vent and purge my body of the stinky stench of hate.Back in June, Rick White was released by the Astros, a team more desperate for pitching help than Lindsay Lohan is for common sense. He was released because he was terrible – 7.67 ERA, .305 batting average allowed. In fact, Rick White has pretty much been terrible this entire century: 5.15 ERA in 2006, 5.29 ERA in 2004, 5.78 ERA in 2003, 4.31 ERA in 2002.
The Mariners, in the thick of the division and wild-card chases, figured they would sign a guy who one of the worst teams in baseball had decided they didn't want. On Aug. 23, he was recalled from the minors. Let's review his first week with the Mariners:
Aug. 25: Enters in bottom of sixth of 3-3 tie with Texas. Gives up two runs in seventh, M's lose 5-3.
Somewhere between Aug. 25 and Aug. 28: Dyes his goatee some ridiculously hideous shade of gold.
Aug. 28: Enters in eighth inning against Angels, bases loaded, two outs, M's trailing 7-6. Gives up two-run single to Vlad Guerrero, a wild pitch, intentional walk and RBI single.
Aug. 29: Enters with M's trailing 6-2, faces eight batters, allows four hits.
Aug. 30: Enters in bottom of ninth in Cleveland, game tied, one out, two on. Let's point out that even though White had pitched poorly the previous two days, manager John McLaren brought him in instead of J.J. Putz. White gets Jhonny Peralta to fly out, but walks Franklin Gutierrez to load the bases and then Kenny Lofton to lose the game.
To recap: Since White joined the team the Mariners have lost six straight. White was instrumental in three of those defeats. And White wears a long, thick gold-painted goatee that makes him look like a clown.
I hate the silly goatee. I hate Bill Bavasi for signing him. I hate McLaren for using him.
It all means it's time to update a list that longtime Mariners fans will understand:
1. Rick White
2. Pete O'Brien
3. Jim Presley (would be higher but gets bonus points for opening night 1986)
4. Ayala/Slocumb/Timlin/Bad Norm/etc.
5. Matt Young
6. Kevin Mitchell
7. Can I put Argyros in here?
8. Stormin' Gorman Thomas
9. Mike Schooler (could rate higher)
10. Scott Spiezio/Rich Aurilia/Jeff Cirillo (tie)
--David Schoenfield
A FANTASY NEWBIE
She's a little late to the game, but Jemele Hill's finally decided to play fantasy football. And … let's just say she's a little fired up. Story
FLEM FILE RETURNS!
David Fleming found the antidote to an ugly NFL offseason: spending time with the Mannings at their passing academy.Flem File
SHUT UP SOX FANS!
Jim Caple, esteemed Yankee hater, has a message for Red Sox fans. You're now the most obnoxious fans in sports. Enough already. Story• Vote: Fan rivalries
Kurt Snibbe
THE SPORTS GUY'S FANTASY FACTS
If you're playing fantasy football, then you're going to need Bill Simmons' top 50 players.• Fantasy picks 1-to-50
• BS Report: Sugar Ray Leonard
TAKE THAT!
The Dallas Stars took a clever swipe at the NBA's ref scandal. Page 2 offers up some other billboard advice for the NHL. Story
FLEM FILE RETURNS!
David Fleming found the antidote to an ugly NFL offseason: spending time with the Mannings at their passing academy. Flem File
BACK TO SCHOOL
Uni Watch heads to campus to get the lowdown on updated attire in the world of college football this season. • Uni Watch: Back to school
MANAGER MONITOR
Terry Francona's upset because MLB sent a security agent to stop by the Red Sox dugout during a game to make sure Francona was wearing a regulation jersey. As long as MLB vice president Bob Watson is intent on checking in on MLB managers, here are some other things he might want to take care of:• Tell Leo Mazzone to stop rocking.
• Make sure Jim Leyland's not smoking.
• Tell Ron Washington to put in his reserves when he's up by more than 20 runs.
• Ask Tony La Russa to stop batting the pitcher eighth, because it just confuses the crap out of everyone.
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• Find out why so many managers wear wristwatches.
• Ask Grady Little, "OK, so one more time, why exactly did you leave Pedro out there so long against the Yanks in Game 7?
• Whisper in Lou Piniella's ear, "Go out and throw one of your tantrums – it cracks everyone up."
• Then go see Ozzie Guillen and tell him, "Your tantrums, on the other hand, nobody seems to like."
• Tell Bobby Cox, "OK, you now have the all-time record for ejections – now stop being such a crank."
--Paul Lukas
Page 2 Columnists TELL US WHAT YOU THINK
THIS WEEK ON PAGE2 (August 25 - August 31)
YOU MAY HAVE ALSO MISSED on PAGE 2
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- Jim Caple has the ultimate list of events you need to see.
- Cantonized: Pro Football Hall of Fame forecast
- Page 2 predicts which 50 active NFL players will ultimately reach the Hall of Fame.