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Go to our show! October 4th at the UCB Theatre in LA.

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by Ron Babcock

I recently started a new job as a researcher at The Singing Bee, a gameshow on NBC that’s hosted by Joey Fatone from the N’Sync. Whenever I tell anyone this, they go, “Have you met Joey?!” Listen, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but it’s hard not to when you know how to play. Yes, I have met Joey and it was better than ice cream. We didn’t verbally say anything to each other. We didn’t need to, we have an emotional connection deeper than the Mariana trench. It would only be cheapened by your “words.” Instead we nodded. His nod was a hey-whats-up-playa nod, while mine was more of a I-like-you-and-what-you-stand-for nod. Like I said, better than ice cream.

The best part of the job, besides my mind link with Joey Fatone, is that I listen to music all day to make sure we have the right lyrics. Sometimes I have to fact check really bad songs like M’s “Pop Muzik.” You know that song that goes, “London, Paris, New York, Munich, everyone’s talkin’ bout Pop Music!” I would have rather has someone crap in my ear for 4:07 than ever listen to that again. The best is when I have to research a song I’ve always liked, but knew little about. Case in point – Dead or Alive’s 1984 superhit “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”. It was made famous again in The Wedding Singer and if you do anything with the next three minutes and nineteen seconds of your life, please watch the following video.

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The only way you could make this any gayer is if I blew you when you watched it. But the most interesting part of the song isn’t the video, but the lyrics.

You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) Lyrics

Yeah I, I got to know your name
Well and I, could trace your private number baby

It’s not weird that he wants to know our name. It’s that he immediately threatens us with hiring a private investigator after expressing interest in knowing it. “Hey where do you live? I’ll find you!”

All I know is that to me
You look like you’re lots of fun

Everyone loves compliments, unless they follow a threat. If you say, “I’m going to kill you”, you can’t soften it with “you smell good.” Compliments after threats are a great recipe for a batch of fuck yous.

Open up your lovin’ arms
I want some, want some

This is how people talk about pudding. You don’t talk about people like how you talk about pudding. It’s just not polite.

Well I…I set my sights on you
(and no one else will do)
And I, I’ve got to have my way now, baby
(and no one else will do)

Now this is all in the first verse, the opening of the song. It sets the mood for what the song is going to be like, the stuff that he thinks will get you psyched and on his side. It’s amazing how good the concept of sexual assault sounds when couched in some 80’s new age synth-pop.

Love Potion #9

But this isn’t just an eye-raising blip on the entertainment spectrum. If you think rape jokes are popular now, rape movies were the money maker back then. Take the movie Love Potion #9 starring the always unforgettable Sandra Bullock and the always forgettable other guy. They play two nerds who can’t find love, so they do what anyone does in this situation. They go to a four- foot tall gypsy who gives them a potion, which makes people fall in love with them. People who otherwise wouldn’t fall in love. That’s a roofie. Roofies are the main tool of a date rapist. They should have just called this film, How to Rape and Get Away with It.

Revenge of the Nerds

By far the best example of using sexual assault as entertainment is the carnival scene in Revenge of the Nerds, when super nerd Lewis disguises himself as Darth Vader and bangs head cheerleader Bettie in the moon bounce. She thinks it’s her boyfriend Stan, who is also dressed up as Darth Vader. Now the case can be made that this instance was ok, because in the end she liked it. But really, is that a chance even worth taking? While I admire the confidence of the gesture, raping someone because you really think they are going to like it in the end is a horrific way to meet women. And is that a behavior we want to support? You know when things end with Bettie that he’s going to try it again, because “it worked in college.”

Just remember that when you look back fondly at the 80’s, what you’re really looking back fondly on is the rampant sexual assault in a consequence free environment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat ice cream with Joey Fatone.

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By Ron Babcock

I just bought a hacky sack. Online. It wasn’t a split second decision. I researched it. Sand vs plastic filling, 32 panel vs 12 panel – decisions were made, credit cards were used. I paid $16. Sixteen. For something I will kick under a couch with my feet. A hackysack (excuse me, footbag), that’s what the pros call it.

Why?

Because I used to play everyday during lunch in high school and life was simpler then and I want to recapture my innocence. I was actually pretty good. I frequently am at things that don’t matter. Footbag, devilsticks, reading Harry Potter – I fucking rule at all of them. I was reminded of how much I used to play this past week, because I think I am turning into a hippie. I don’t know if it’s because being “green” is all of a sudden trendy, but I was sniffing organic bananas at Trader Joe’s two days ago and that is something I have definitely never done. I’ve always thought of myself as somewhat environmentally conscious. As a kid, I would always turn the light off when I left a room, which annoyed my dad because he was usually still in it. But lately I’ve been doing stereotypically hippie things and I’m actually enjoying it. This scares me because most people view treehuggers as smug pricks who think they are better than everyone else. I certainly have. I’ve been using them as a punching bag for cheap laughs ever since I picked up a microphone. But I’ve also always thought I was better than everyone else, so why not save a tree while I’m at it.

Plus I really enjoy the whole green thing. It makes everything in my life a bit simpler. I was so stoked to change the incandescent bulbs in my apartment to those new CFL energy saving bulbs that last forever. I never have to buy light bulbs again. I’m actually giddy right now to see how much I saved on my next power bill. I even started taking navy showers, which is when you hop in the shower, rinse up, turn the water off, have sex with a large man, turn the water back on, etc… Julio and I save five gallons of water every time we bathe each other. I’m even taking online quizzes to see how big my carbon footprint is. And you know what they say about guys with big footprints? They have environmentally unfriendly dicks. Wha? See, all this hippie crap is making me unfunny. But it is making my life a lot simpler and cheaper.

For example, I receive a lot of pre-approved credit card offers (listen, I’m extremely wealthy so these things just happen). I also have a friend who received a lot of these and his identity was stolen because of it. Even meth heads know how to use a mailbox. But I found a website which removes your address from these lists for five years. I also did some research to make sure it was legit because you have to enter your social security number. It’s a great way to cut down on unwanted junk mail, save a couple of trees, and make sure what little money you do have doesn’t get stolen. Plus it took a lot less time than it did for me to decide on what kind of hackysack I should buy.

CREDIT CARD OPT OUT WEBSITE

REVIEW OF CREDIT CARD OPT OUT WEBSITE

I also signed up to have my cell phone removed from telemarketer call and text lists. This one doesn’t really have an environmental effect, but I love getting texts and nothing kills that phone boner like an ad for real estate.

NATIONAL DO NOT CALL LIST

Finally, if you watched An Inconvenient Truth and all of a sudden got a green dick, you can just pay the following superhippies $15 to send you everything you need to remove your address from a ton of junkmail lists and then they plant trees on your behalf. If you do this, you’ll probably start shitting hacky sacks (footbags), but at least you won’t have to deal with those coupon mailers anymore that ruin my mail checking experience.

GREENDIMES

Have fun fucking the man.

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by Ron Babcock

A fitness specialist who works at the old people gym my mom goes to gave me a printout of the following tips to help me get fit. My mom works out at this gym because she had a heart attack. I work out there because it makes me feel good about myself. The tips are great and each one includes a “thought for the day” that I also included. Full descriptions are available at HERE.

Remember, no matter what your age, we can all follow these simple and easy tips which are in no way weird, confusing or redundant to live longer and healthier lives.

1. Move more. Thought for the Day: Cha, Cha, Cha…Then do it!
Physical activity is the simplest thing we could all do. Walk the dog, mow the line, take the stairs instead of the escalator. But why let your feet have all the fun? Flail your arms about as if they are on fire. Move your neck like the inside of your head just exploded. Moving around feels great, so let people know it by yelling out things like, “Cha, Cha, Cha, I’m doing it!” People will run away from you, but only because exercise is contagious and you are terminally fit.

2. Cut Fat. Thought for the Day: Be a lean, mean, fat-burning machine.
Cutting out food we like is hard, but what if I told you that with every pound you lost, you were allowed to punch one person in the face? Remember, it’s lean and mean. A lot of people forget that second part, they just think it’s there because it rhymes. If that’s true, why don’t we call it “lean and queen”? Because it doesn’t make sense, that’s why. Working out is about setting goals and rewarding yourself. This week, I’m substituting salads for fried foods so I can punch a baby. Why you ask? Why not faggot? Just remember that if you gain a pound, someone gets to punch you in the face. (This is a good way to keep the weight off.)

3. Quit Smoking. Thought for the Day: Give up just one cigarette…the next one.
This is really easy. Every time you pull out a cigarette, look at it and say, “No thanks cancer.” Then put it back, wait a few seconds and relish in the fact you just beat cancer. You are untouchable. Celebrate by smoking a cigarette. Do that every time you want to smoke and you’ll smoke half as much as you would have.

4. Reduce Stress. Thought for the Day: When you see red, think pink clouds…then float on them.
This is my favorite tip, because it means you can have sex with a girl when she’s on her period. That’s the connection I made at least. Having sex without the fear of a baby being born is one of the least stressful things you can do. And even if you have a baby, you could punch it, so it’s still a win-win.

5. Protect Yourself From Pollution. Thought for the Day: “Smoke gets in your eyes… and your mouth… and your nose… and your lungs as do pollutants…hum this tune daily.”
How can you not hum this little gem daily? They should call this song AIDS because it’s so infectious. Hum it in your car, just remember to avoid high-traffic areas and breathing in highway fumes too. So if you have a long commute, quit your job. Living under the bridge safer than driving over it.

6. Wear Your Seat Belt. Thought for the Day: Buckle down and buckle up.
This is another easy one we should all be doing, simply wearing a seat belt. I don’t mean to toot my own horn (it’s hard not to when you know how to play), but every day, I go out to my car and wear my seatbelt for 20 minutes. I do three sets a day, but I would recommend gradually getting to my level. Just don’t drive while your doing it. Driving a car is no time to multi-task.

7. Floss Your Teeth. Thought for the Day: Floss and be the body’s boss.
Think of a piece of floss as a slave master’s whip and your teeth as slaves named Toby. Show those molars what happens when they don’t want to pick the food in between your teeth. Use teeth as the example to the rest of your body that bleeding gums is what will happen if they don’t cooperate. And don’t be afraid to cut yourself. Blood letting = pounds shedding. No pain, no gain fatty.

8. Avoid Excessive Drinking. Thought for the Day: A jug of wine should last a long time.
See #3. Substitute “jug of wine” for “cigarette” and “liver failure” for “cancer.”

9. Keep a Positive Mental Outlook. Thought for the Day: You can’t be unhappy when you’re smiling or singing.
Actually, you can be unhappy singing, just hum the tune to MASH. That song is so fucking depressing. I’m humming it now and I want to kill an orphan just to see if I can still feel.

10. Choose Your Parents Well. Thought for the Day: Counteract that genetic pool handed to you.
The link between genetics and health is powerful, but just because your dad’s body was a cancer farm that was always ready to harvest doesn’t mean you can live a long, fruitful life. Actually you’re screwed and there’s nothing you can do. We’re all going to die, so do whatever you want. Cha Cha Cha.

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Ron & Ryan are on Dan Bialek’s web series Dudes In Bed. They’ll be on it again next week. So watch out!

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flyer by Sparkiepop

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by Ryan McKee

Dear Payson High School Class of 1997,

I’d like to apologize for my absence at Green Valley Park, the location of our ten-year reunion. I’m sure there are some jokes as to why I’m not there, such as: “I bet Ryan didn’t show up because there’s no alcohol,” or “Ryan doesn’t have kids, nor a wife, so he’s probably uncomfortable with the “family-friendly” theme,” or “Ryan’s probably too busy being all faggy in Faggywood.”

While I am laughing along with you at the above jokes, especially the Faggywood one, none of them are the reason I’m not there. Truth is, I was just in Payson last weekend for my brother’s wedding and can only spend one weekend a month away from Los Angeles otherwise the mayor revokes my citizenship.

Since I can’t be there, here’s a conversation you can pretend to have with me. That way you won’t miss me too much.

You: “Hey, look at you!”

Me: “Yeah, wow, look at you . . . How long’s it been?”

You: “About . . . ten years.”

Me: “Oh, right, it’s that reunion . . .”

Some polite laughter. You take a long drink of your grape soda.

You: “So, how’s LA going?”

Me: “Good, good . . .”

You: “What have you been up to?”

Me: “Ah, you know, doing a lot of standup comedy . . . .”

You: “Cool! Where?”

Me: “Well, probably a lot of places you haven’t heard of. Bars and coffee houses mostly. Have you heard of Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre?”

You: “What?”

Me: “They had a sketch show on Comedy Central awhile back.”

You: “You’re on Comedy Central!”

Me: “No. The people who started the theatre were on it. Do you know Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live?”

You: “The chick on 30 Rock?”

Me: “No, that’s Tina Fey. Amy Poehler was in that Will Ferrell movie, Blades of Glory.”

You: “Oh, I love Will Ferrell. He’s hilarious!”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

You: “So you know that girl in his movie?”

Me: “No, she was just one of the people who started the theatre I perform at.”

You: “How much do they pay you to perform there?”

Me: “Well, no one gets paid. But it’s a great theatre to showcase yourself.”

You: “I bet Will Ferrell would get paid to perform there.”

Me: “Um, he might.”

You: “So how’s your brother?”

Me: “Good. He just got married.”

You: “Ouch, little brother getting married before you. That sucks.”

Me: “It’s okay. I’m not ready to get married yet.”

You: “Really? You’re like the only person here whose not married.”

Me: “Jimmy’s not married.”

You: “He’s divorced. That’s different.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m just kind of focusing on my career right now.”

You: “Better focus harder, you’re not even getting paid.”

Me: “I also write and I get paid for that.”

You: “Awesome. Do you write on a TV show?”

Me: “No, right now I’m writing video games.”

You: “You write the computer program for it?”

Me: “No, I write the content.”

You: “Ah, like you wrote Grand Theft Auto?”

Me: “So far I’ve just written Trivial Pursuit games.”

You: “Cool. Give me a question you wrote?”

Me: “Okay. Which U.S. President became the first American citizen to attain a brown belt in Judo?”

You: “George Bush.”

Me: “Do you mean George H.W. Bush or George W. Bush?”

You: “W.”

Me: “No.”

You: “H.W.”

Me: “No.”

You: “Why you ask me which one I meant then?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

You: “Who was it then?”

Me: “Theodore Roosevelt.”

You: “I thought he was in a wheelchair.”

Me: “That was Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”

You: “Oh, whatever. Knowing that shit doesn’t really matter.”

Me: “Yeah, I guess not.”

You: “If it did, you’d be married.”

I politely laugh at your joke.

You: “Well, I have to go check on my kids. Make sure they’re not getting into trouble.”

Me: “Okay, nice talking to you.”

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by Ryan McKee

When I was going to Payson High School, we didn’t even have a movie theater in town. Now there’s even strip club! But in true small town fashion, they’ve found a way to ruin naked women dancing. Instead of putting up a new road sign, they just changed the existing one, which has a fucking cow on it. Why would you advertise jiggling breasts with a cow? What does that say about the “dancers?” Actually, it’s probably a good warning not to go in and see the girls who would strip in a small hick town.

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