Finally, We Do Something Right
There is
no doubt that the United States and its Sidekick did an admirable job of avoiding
bombing historical sites, hospitals, and essential infrastructure in its invasion
of Iraq. This was very fortunate, because it meant that the Iraqis could demonstrate
their independence by looting and burning these institutions for themselves.
We have a lot to learn from this ancient and venerable civilization. For example,
for every Iraqi who was killed by the US in the present venture, their own previous
leader had killed hundreds or thousands in useless wars and internal oppression.
This proves once again how advanced they are over our poor attempts at slaughter.
The Iraqis have little commercial sense. Otherwise, they wouldn't be destroying
those statues and images of Saddam Hussein, but offering them on eBay. "Wall-to-wall
wall with portrait, $12,000 + shipping. You install." or "35-foot-tall statue
with raised fist. One-of-a-kind, custom made for world-famous leader..."
Of course there are some things that we did better then they. By launching a
massive attack instead of patiently waiting for inspections to hobble the regime
over the space of a few years, the United States administration reduced the
duration of the war enough to stay almost within the attention span of a television-besotted
public. In the old days, a war could go on for years because long periods of
time went without any events worthy of banner headlines. Besides, if the
war took too long, it wouldn't help win votes in the next election. A victory
in Iraq is gratifying to some, will mollify many others who were previously
critics, it allows us to plant evidence of weapons of mass destruction, and
it strikes a blow for the wonderful idea that the ends justify the means. Soon
the President's advisors will notice that we can end domestic homelessness and
hunger by merely killing all the poor people (call it "The War on Poverty").
This would be quick and positive, with almost no loss of Republican voters.
A German guy called that method a "Final Solution" but it didn't work, so
we have come to realize that every group has something to contribute to its
own and the world's well-being. As radical feminists like to point out, the
nurturing nature of women makes them better suited as peaceful political leaders,
like Margaret Thatcher. Certainly African-Americans, due to their long oppression,
will create laws to make this country fairer toward all as they ascend to positions
of power, as the decisions of Clarence Thomas demonstrate. Religion is a powerful
force for righteous behavior, and we can only admire the way that the Catholic
church has shielded its pedophile priests from vindictive prosecutors. Indigenous
people such as Africans who understand the importance of tribal affinities know
best how to make their own countries prosperous and safe. The Jews, despised
and humiliated by nearly every culture they've lived with, have thereby internalized
the principle of supporting the weak and downtrodden, which is why they are
so beloved by the displaced Palestinians. And now the US-Iraq war adds its
luster to the halls of history, demonstrating that a big, strong, rich country
can beat a small, weak, and impoverished one so long as the small country has
assets with fixed GPS coordinates, and so long as they don't have any silly
jungles to hide in.
Jef
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