Halloween always makes me think of Christmas. Practically speaking, this is because the former always, without fail, foreshadows the latter. But more importantly, I always felt that Ebenezer Scrooge’s canopied bed in “A Christmas Carol” was better suited to a horror film — granted, it would probably be one of those low-grade, soft-porn, sexy blood types. I like...
I was told recently that the best scene columns are about sex and drugs. Because I am an innovator, this week I am going to write about the farthest thing away from sex and drugs, the opposite of sex and drugs, that which is neither sex nor drugs — kittens. Kittens are cats when they are young. Before your cat becomes pissy and recalcitrant, it goes through a kind of...
Being the man that I am, I need you to trust me when I say that I don’t think about emotions very much, let alone feel them. I have a difficult time understanding why anyone would ever write in a diary, and I continue to be confused by the clear, salty stuff that comes out of people’s eyes when they’re sad. Instead, outward displays of emotion on my part are rare...
Question: How do I trick myself into believing that my life is more like a sitcom than Noxzema commercial? Answer: To some, this may seem like a strange request, because a laugh track would be awfully disconcerting if it followed you around, and it would be downright awkward to always sit on the same side of the table as your friends to leave room for the camera...
It’s been a rough week. Late October marks one of the nastiest seasons on campus. We’re used to the fishbowl-like culture around here. However, in these weeks, we face a string of hypercritical, evaluative processes that temporarily turn the usual fishbowl into a shark tank. We all get slammed by midterms. Do we learn what we should have? Thirty percent of our final...
We students can’t take this outrage lying down. We need to take it sitting down, enjoying a nice beverage from the cozily overpriced snack bar in the new CCL. We need to sip our sustainable beverage, lean back in our sleek newly-installed chair and give Yale a piece of our mind. “You’re not the boss of us,” we need to say. “We’re not going to change the name...
Recently I’ve heard a lot of people make grandiose statements about how they’re not going to call Bass Library by its new name, and I will fight that grandiosity with the only weapon available to me: the Yale Daily News. In my eyes, calling the new library Bass is a simple question of kindness. It all comes down to Kant’s “universalizability test,” which is...
I just climbed out of the L train at Lorimer, and I’m walking toward this new bar that recently opened called Sugar Land. I don’t really like its name, but I guess it’s supposed to be ironic, so I decide to check it out anyway. During the 9.3 minutes it takes to walk there, I pass multiple abandoned factories and new condominium complexes. I feel like I’m in the...
Q: What are the best ways to wheedle an extension out of my professor/TA? How should I convey my desperation without sounding like an insane and worthless procrastinator? A: The staging of an extension plea is inherently a study in bullshit. The key is to remember how many different modes of communication you have available to you to aid you in your farcical attempts...
We thought hipsters would be condescending, pretentious and uninterested in talking to us. However, Williamsburg surprised us. We journeyed to the heart of hipsterdom, and came back inspired, and wearing lumberjack shirts. After a confusing but short journey to Bedford Avenue, where the less in-the-know hipsters gather to shop and be seen, we emerged into something...