WELCOME TO
Keep an eye out for a couple of hidden "easter-eggs"
and three tips to their location.

SUBJECTS [Updated 11/27/00]


Internet Something or Other
THIS PAGE BEST VIEWED BY?
 Netscape
Opera
HERE'S THE ANSWER TO THAT
CLASSIC BROWSER QUESTION.
 NeoPlanet

QNX Free OS/Browser

A Bad MS DLL Strikes Again!
Show Doc Shame
& Laptop Laffs has the exclusive Fix.
UPDATE 11-27-00: New fix available.

Win ME OR Win ME NOT!
Lest we laptoppers be accusèd of bias or unfounded MS bashing, we have installed the ultimate & final iteration of the Win9x OSes known diminuatively as Win ME on an absolutely clean partition of its very own. No traces of "bad" apps [i.e. non-MS software], bloated Registries or flaky drivers reside therein. So in we pop the CD to await the magic install after, of course, reading what these days passes for a manual which consists of the EULA [Thou Shalt Nots, ad infinitum ] & a setup command.

Win ME has achieved a break through; it makes every other OS issued by its manufacturer look absolutely brilliant in comparison. Even the oldest versions of MS-DOS & Windows now seem to be works of art & engines of efficiency. No wonder Win ME hides "real" DOS, which once dug out, restores to our willing hands, the much needed DELTREE command. If the DOJ needs any further proof of "consumer harm", Win ME is it. But enough of our impressions of Win ME [this is a G rated site afterall], it's your turn to cast your vote.

V O T I N G    R U L E S
 a. Laptoppers may vote as often as they want. A laptopper's vote counts 10 times as much as that of a desktopper's vote.
b. Desktoppers may vote once a day provided they have not committed any transgressions against laptops within the previous 24 hours.
c. Any desktopper caught parading as a laptopper shall be banned from voting. If there is a voting que, all desktoppers will yield to any laptopper.
[Select all that apply.]
Windows ME is better than:

 

* T H E * F I N A L * I N S U L T *


Some vendors of computing products have been known to regard laptops as non-existent or not *real* computers. [See: Laptop Bias for examples.] Many of these slights can be regarded as inadvertent, BUT there is one vendor who consistently exhibits this insulting behaviour:
MICROSOFT

A Few Past Insults
1 - The original Win95 release on floppy disks left off many important features that were included on the CD. Many laptops in 1995 had no CD-ROM & had no accesss to the Internet to obtain these missing features.
2 - Win98 & Win98SE CDs block any system with less than 66MHz from installing the OS; many older laptops can't be upgraded to meet this artifical barrier. Although there is a workaround switch [see: Win98 with less than 66MHz], MS neither includes it in the Win98 switch list nor admits to its existence.
3 - Win98/98SE unilaterally took over Power Management of the user's system which, for many laptops, irretrievably disabled standby & hibernation which were previously functional.
4 - Win ME has eliminated disk compression thus preventing laptops with small hard drives from using that OS without a relatively large financial outlay.

So 5 years after the release of Win95 & the sale of millions of laptops, has MS finally recognized that laptops are personal computers?
NO!
Here's proof:
1- From Microsoft's Insider Update Newletter [8/23/00]:   "READ A BOOK ON YOUR LAPTOP OR PC
Now you can download free* Microsoft Reader software and read eBooks on your PC or laptop with excellent text clarity."

2- From Microsoft Reader website:   "Microsoft Reader is Now Available for PCs and Laptops!"
"Download Microsoft Reader for Windows®-based PCs and laptops."
Take the
Blinders Off
Microsoft
LAPTOPS
are
Computers

All New! Just for You -- the Diehard Laptopper. A FREE Laptop ScreenSaver celebrating Laptop Power, Desktop Destruction & various Windows' Calamaties. Click Here to download.

INTO THE JAWS OF DEATH

"Upgrade" to brand new FIVE,
Purred the A O L welcome jive.
Just give this icon a little click,
& you'll have it super quick.
Cool features can be had,
Claimed the A O L luring ad.
More screen names & pictures too,
Expanded Search just for you.
That sounded like a good bet,
Added web space would I get.

In flew the files of Number Five,
Planted onto the hard drive.
Now push the button to install,
Oh, so soon I'll have a ball!
While I was dreaming up new names,
Install was playing naughty games.
To Windows System went many a byte,
My Registry shook with an awful fright.
The T C P took a fatal crash,
Network settings were utter trash.
Winsock was one bad joke,
My system had gone up in smoke.

The B S O D had appeared,
Some V X D had been smeared.
Re-boot would not work at all,
The machine had taken the big fall.
Safe Mode was now a total loss,
Floppy boot could not find DOS.

Ah, Mister Case you won this round,
But from reformat, I'll rebound.
Software made by A O L,
Is my favourite form of Hell.

EPIDEMIC ALERT !
3 Sided Nightmares

WARNING!
Watch out for
The Screen Snatcher
MS has set it loose &
Laptops are at risk.
What is the "SCREEN SNATCHER"?It's an AD bar that grabs up the bottom part of your screen.
Is your LAPTOP at risk?Yes, IF you install Outlook Express 5.01 & have a Hotmail account.
What does the snatcher look like?Ugly. CLICK HERE to view unless you're squeamish.
When is this Ad bar active?Whenever online & any Hotmail folder in OE5.01 is opened.
Can this Screen Snatcher be killed?YES, a cure has been found by friends of the Society to Save our Screens.
Tell me how
before I OD on ADS.		1- Rename the file "msoeacct.dll" in Windows\System folder.
2- Extract "msoeacct.dll" from the WIN98SE CD to Windows\System.
3- Access Hotmail in OE5.01 while online; Ad Bar should be gone.
4- Be sure your Hotmail folders are set to sychronization.
5- If problems, delete extracted file; rename 5.01 version to "msoeacct.dll".

FEEDBACK: Many Laptoppers have written that the Screen Snatch perpetrated by MS is particularly onerous on this community & amounts to a regressive screen tax on portables because of the fixed height of the Ad Bar. We laptops have learned to co-exist peacefully with desktops even when provoked, but WE WILL NOT TOLERATE a regressive screen tax. We pay the same amount for MS products and are, as a class, "paying" more in terms of screen real estate. GOOD-BYE Hotmail and Outlook Express, & we're calling the lawyers!

BULLY BUSTED

[Laptop Laff's Alert]
PATCH OVERRUN VULNERABILITY

MSIE #5 Patches Causing Monitor Instability & Crashes

Protect Yourself & Your System


OUR FAVOURITE FLAMES
Flaming E-Mail
Laptop Laffs occasionally receives "FLAMES" from surfers who are not pleased with what they encounter. Though most of the flames are of the run-of-the-mill "This Site Sux" variety, some visitors wax positively eloquent in their missives. Here's a sample.

MS BRINGS OPEN SOURCE TO THE WEB
HOTMAIL &WEB-TV showcase the technology.

ALL HOTMAIL -- ALL THE TIME
Use any Hotmail account you want; the choice is yours.

EXCLUSIVE IE5 SECURITY PATCH
Customized [& FREE] Patch Now Available>

L A P T O P                   O R                   L I N U X   ?
WHEN         Y2K          HITS
CHANGE     THAT         OR          TO          AND
REQUIRES MACROMEDIA SHOCKWARE

5    THE OFFICE COOKOUT   5

MS OFFICE2000 is HERE and Laptop Laffs INVITES you to an Office Cookout.
NOTE: If your browser does not support Macromedia Shockware, GO HERE for an alternative.

Troubleshooting Windows Errors
(Laptop Laffs solves Windows common and uncommon errors.)
Clix Pix Above To Go To
WINDOWS SITEMAP Of ERRORS

PICK A PATCH
FREE CUSTOMIZED FIXES JUST FOR YOU
MANY COMPANIES OFFER PATCHES AND FIXES FOR THEIR HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE, BUT IT IS OFTEN A CASE OF ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL. LAPTOP LAFFS IS THE FIRST TO OFFER FREE CUSTOMIZED PATCHES JUST FOR YOU. YOU CAN NAME YOUR PATCH AND SELECT WHAT YOU WANT IT TO FIX.
Click Here to make your patch.

The Shutdown Solution
When Windows Just Won't Shutdown
Once you get Win98, sometimes you can't get rid of it. Your system freezes. Laptop Laffs has found some new
Work-Arounds

FIXING WINDOWS COURTS ECONOMIC DISASTER
 Many users want Windows fixed. Even the CEO of Microsoft, Bill Gates, has expressed a desire for a simpler Windows O/S with understandable error messages. This is an ill-advised policy; here are the reasons why: a must read Please, Bill don't
More Windows Comedy

In The News:

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
There's a war going on in the portable community:
PRIVACY AND THE PORTABLE

THIS PAGE IS INTENDED TO BE A HUMOUR SITE FOR PORTABLE COMPUTERS AND ENCOURAGES PARTICIPATION. WE ALSO HAVE A MISSION:
STAMP OUT LAPTOP PREJUDICE WHEREVER IT EXISTS.

(NOTE: DESKTOP USERS ARE WELCOME TO BROWSE HEREIN, BUT DON'T TOUCH - IF YOU BREAK IT, WE'LL COME OVER AND PULL YOUR PLUG!)

CLICK ON THE DISASTER EQUATION
WINDOWS 98 + LAPTOP COMPUTER
THERE'S MORE ASSAULTS ON LAPTOPS WE'VE UNCOVERED: CLICK HERE
GET READY - IT'S FUN TIME!

THE GREAT SHOOT OUT
Requires Macromedia Shockware Plug-In

SO YOU WANT TO BE A BETA TESTER? Get the lowdown on BETA TESTING.

POETRY CORNER

INSOMNIA EPIDEMIC

ONCE LAPTOPS WERE HAPPY CREATURES,
STUFFED FULL WITH AMAZING FEATURES.
WE WOULD PLAY OR GRAB A SNOOZE;
OUR DATA WE COULDN'T LOSE.
BUT WE MET AN AWFUL FATE
KNOWN AS WINDOWS NINETY EIGHT
NOW WE MUST STAY UP SO LATE,
WE CAN NO LONGER HIBERNATE.
OUR SCREENS WE CANNOT CLOSE
THOUGH WE WOULD RATHER DOZE.
WINDOWS MANAGES THE POWER,
OUR DAYS HAVE GONE QUITE SOUR.

More Pungent Poetry right here.

LAPTOP MEETS [the ultimate horror show]

  • - LAPTOONS . . .


    • The DOJ's new DOS Command:


    C:\WINDOWS>deltree Microsoft Corporation

    Delete "Microsoft Corporation" and all its subsidiaries? [yn] y

    Deleting Microsoft Corporation . . .

    Click here to see the dissolution.


    FOR MORE LOONEY LAPTOONS: PUNCH ME HERE

    HOW SAFE IS IT?
    Win9x users are familiar with the screen to the right even if they have subsequently changed it. It seems harmless enough even if it does annoy some people. But we have found that there is a lot more to this closing screen than meets the eye. Give it a Click.

    Hint: Click on picture above

    CRAZY COMPUTER RECEIPES
    WHAT'S COOKIN'?

    Look laptoppers our humour won an award. And yes this is a real award; not one of those I made up which if you want one [or several] for your own web-page, see Everybody Wins This Contest .

    PET PEEVES

    What Laptoppers Don't Like . . .
    PLEASE PAUSE FOR ONE MORE PLUG:
    READY FOR MORE FUN? LEARN SOME COMPUTER SECRETS - EVEN SOME OF LIFE'S SECRETS. YOU WILL BE AMAZED WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT COMPUTER HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE REALLY IS AND WHAT ALL THOSE STRANGE TERMS MEAN. JUST CLICK HERE AND GIVE "YOUR COMPUTER LIFE" A TRY.

  • - WEB MYSTERY SOLVED
    Why you can't get connected to the Web.

    LAPTOP LAFFS GOES TO THE MOVIES
     JUST CLICK HERE ð

    LAPNAPPED
    HELP FIND SEVERAL MISSING MACHINES - THEY'VE BEEN "LAPNAPPED" BY A RAVENOUS DESKTOP. CLICK HERE

    Pick-A-Pair-Of-Portables
    Like those fancy laptops in designer colours? Here's a little game to match 'em up .

    WEB-TV & QNX Compatible Version .

    LAPTOP REVENGE
    HAD ENUF LAPTOPPERS? TIRED OF BEING KICKED AROUND, KIDNAPPED, EATEN AND HUNG BY THE DESKTOP BULLIES. OKAY IT'S OUR CHANCE TO GET SOME REVENGE.NOTE: IF YOU ARE USING AOL3.0 FOR WIN95 WITH IE4.X, YOU'LL HAVE BETTER LUCK WITH THIS PAGE BY OPENING YOUR BROWSER AS A STANDALONE BROWSER. JUST COPY/PASTE: http://members.aol.com/aljoajo/revenge.htm IN THE ADDRESS BAR. IF IE3.X IS YOUR BROWSER, IT WILL WORK [WITH OR WITHOUT AOL3.0 FOR WIN95], BUT YOU'LL GET A JAVASCRIPT ERROR WHICH WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH THE CONTENT OF THE PAGE. NETSCAPE 3.X AND 4.X WORK ABSOLUTELY FINE AS DOES AOL4.X.
    CLICK FOR MORE LAPTOP GAMES

    IS YOUR LAPTOP SICK?
     The DOCTOR is in - just click here ð

  • - A SURVEY
    MANUFACTURERS OF LAPTOPS KNOW THAT THEIR CUSTOMERS ARE AN EXTRAORDINARILY GIFTED GROUP WHO REQUIRE AND DESERVE THE BEST HARDWARE. THESE CUSTOMERS ARE NOT BEGUILED BY LARGE PLASTIC BOXES FILLED WITH RECYCLED AND REJECTED COMPONENTS HAPHAZARDLY INSTALLED [I.E. DESKTOPS]. THE SURVEY BELOW IS AIMED AT DETERMINING THE "CUTTING-EDGE" FEATURES THAT LAPTOP USERS WANT:

  • - DIRECTIONS:
  • A- Hold down Control Key to select or deselect items separated from one another.
  • B- Hold down Shift Key to select multiple items adjacent to one another.
  • C- If you don't know where the Control and/or Shift Keys are OR if you can't hold down two keys simultaneously, you must be a Desktop user and shouldn't be answering these questions.
    What do you use your laptop for?
    What abilities should a laptop have?

    If you haven't found the two "easter-eggs" by now, just press "Submit Choices" [above].And yes, Desktop Users, you can play too.
    Send E-mail and Contributions for Laptop Laffs to OJATEX@aol.com
    Back to Laptop Tips