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205 points posted 1 day ago by henryk133 comments
1smartass 110 points 1 day ago [-]

What did Spock find in the toilet?

The captains log.

davodrums 35 points 1 day ago [-]

Do you know what Star Trek & toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus and search for Klingons.

1smartass 2 points 1 day ago [-]

So that's the cause of my pruritus ani.

frukt  comment score below threshold (13 children) [+]
chocki 32 points 1 day ago [-]

If there are no toilets on the Enterprise where do the Republican shipmates have gay sex?

711was_a_retail_job 38 points 1 day ago [-]

You think the Jeffries tubes were installed for engineers?

atomicthumbs 4 points 1 day ago [-]

Wouldn't it hurt to have a vacuum in one's bladder?

KillerAngel7 5 points 1 day ago [-]

Dunno. In the name of science, I demand you try it. If you survive tell us about it.

iheartbeer 19 points 1 day ago [-]

Number 1, I need to number 2... take the helm.

KillerAngel7 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Do you think Number 1 is really as lonely as Danny Hutton suggests?

iheartbeer 2 points 23 hours ago [-]

Stop making Nilsson roll in his grave.

kgen 16 points 1 day ago * [-]

How do you use the three seashells?

pmdboi 1 point 16 hours ago * [-]

From an interview with Sylvester Stallone:

  1. For the love of all that is good and Holy.

How do you use the 3 seashells?!

Louis Saucedo

Dallas, Texas

OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third. You asked for it…. Be careful what you ask for, sorry.

gimeit 10 points 1 day ago [-]

The Enterprise only has one restroom.

NickG 7 points 1 day ago [-]

Heh I never noticed that, what, is it labeled?

meprogrammerguy 13 points 1 day ago * [-]

The ready room...

electromagnetic 4 points 1 day ago [-]

It comes from the original Star Trek, where if you looked at the design schematics there wasn't a toilet on the ship. Presumably there were toilets in crew quarters, but I somehow doubt people would have taken a 5 minute break off the bridge and travelled down several decks, ran through a few dozen coridoors, entered there room spent 1 minutes in the bathroom and did the return trip.

Maybe Kirk could have managed it, but I somehow doubt all the Ensigns on the deck would have had a cabin in range.

KillerAngel7 -1 points 1 day ago [-]

You've obviously never witnessed the slacking Americans are capable of. I was supposed to start working at 9am today, but instead I clocked in and went out for breakfast. Got to work about 10:30am, took a half hour bathroom break at about 11:30am. Oh, did I mention that this was for a 4 hour shift?

philh 3 points 1 day ago [-]


We get up at twelve and start to work at one,
take an hour for lunch and then at two we're done.
Jolly good fun!

dagfari 2 points 1 day ago [-]

We're talking about Federation Citizens, so they're actually more like devout Philosopher-King Communists.

Also, they have teleportation.

ilyag  comment score below threshold (6 children) [+]
yellowking 21 points 1 day ago [-]

I bet there are a lot of paternity suits in the future.

neuroelectronic 47 points 1 day ago * [-]

emergency transport: my balls, your face

Neoncow 4 points 1 day ago [-]

Shouldn't that be your face, my balls?

KillerAngel7 2 points 1 day ago [-]

Teabagging will be much easier in space.

duus -1 points 21 hours ago [-]

But in space, no one will hear you moan.

zouhair 10 points 1 day ago * [-]

And waste all that water out in space??? WTF

Vomit 4 points 1 day ago [-]

Yeah, I think the transporter would disassemble the piss and turn it back into raw materials for the replicators.

KillerAngel7 4 points 1 day ago [-]

Its a transporter, not a disassembler. It knows only to transport.

progression 7 points 1 day ago * [-]

The last thing I expected to see was Ann Coulter's beastly face. Thanks for ruining my weekend.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Damn I saw this show on nat geo channel that was analyzing star trek tech. The only interesting one was the cloaking field. They claim they have found metals which can bend x-rays around them, thus rendering them invisible on the x-ray spectrum. i forget what their called, otherwise I'd post a link.

StoneMe 6 points 1 day ago [-]

Would make liposuction a lot easier too -

Hence no fatties on Star Trek!

Fergy 6 points 1 day ago [-]

scotty proves you wrong

alamandrax 6 points 1 day ago [-]

it's ok, scotty doesn't know.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

That's not the only thing scotty doesn't know!

alamandrax 1 point 1 day ago [-]

but don't tell scotty.

Fergy 1 point 1 day ago [-]

scotty's got daddy issues

711was_a_retail_job 6 points 1 day ago [-]

I thought the captain's wee would've been beamed directly into 10-Foreward.

They have to make the synthehol out of something.

KillerAngel7 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Synthe and hol, dumbass.

scootrent 1 point 1 day ago [-]

so funny

lex99 2 points 1 day ago [-]

I remember the days when in making a comic strip, people would actually try to have good artwork. If photoshopped and not drawn, they'd still try to make that look good.

Sadly, those days are gone. Microsoft Paint is good enough, i guess :(

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Sometimes microsoft paint is all you have.

54gy6dm 3 points 1 day ago [-]

See, this is what I liked about Babylon 5. There were a few scenes actually shot in the public bathroom. While it was mildly disturbing, it brought an element of realism to the show.

knylok 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Babylon 5 was a relatively good show (once you got past the first season and into the meat of the show), but my word, the acting was just ~terrible~.

Thank the stars the story was decent, otherwise I would've never made it through.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Sexual harassment, anyone?

dghughes 5 points 1 day ago [-]

With all the different species I wonder what the toilet looks like and what about toilet paper? Maybe it's a sonic bidet.

I do remember a reference to Bolians and their bowls, at least a couple of writers have a sense of humour..

wbeavis 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Did they all use the 3 sea shells?

dghughes 3 points 1 day ago [-]

That's always bugged me they never explained that.

TheGrammarNazi 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Well, there ARE sonic showers...

KillerAngel7 2 points 1 day ago [-]

Beat me to it.

knylok 3 points 1 day ago [-]

So I've heard.

db2 4 points 1 day ago [-]

I've wanted to be able to do that since the first time I saw Star Trek.

KillerAngel7 2 points 1 day ago [-]

I've wanted to be able to get an hour of my life back since I first saw star trek.

pn6 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Wharf looks really, really pale.

comment deleted 1 day ago [-]
KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Thank you, Roe!

mene 1 point 1 day ago [-]

aright, aright. Too gross. :)

bobobo 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Just be glad you don't have to do the shuttle zero-g #1 or #2 with the suction tubes with personalized adaptors and sticky poo to hold the used TP in the can.

aussie_bob 1 point 1 day ago [-]

They're just taking the piss.

brainburger 1 point 1 day ago [-]

I reckon if poo is beamed out of their bums, it wont be good for their colonic rhythms.

KOM 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Odd John

Cavorticus 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Barely funny.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

But it is funny, right?

JenM 0 points 1 day ago [-]

The Ann Coulter ad on top of the page made it look like she was that giant ugly alien head from the crappy episode where they the crew is taunted by a giant ugly alien head.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Wasn't that with a guest shot of Ann Coulter?

NickG 0 points 1 day ago [-]

Hahaha of course!

Dark-Star 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Funny...but after reading up on how the ST transporters work, that would be highly dangerous to keep doing. You'd be transporting a bit of your bladder wall with each use - not a good thing.

pn6 5 points 1 day ago * [-]

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

And other science facts,

Just repeat to yourself it's just a show,

I should really just relax

neuroelectronic 12 points 1 day ago [-]

That would be a interesting suicide method. Computer, transport my head to my ex's quarters!

TheGrammarNazi 1 point 1 day ago [-]

To prevent that, you need Senior Officer's authorization to automatically transport or a person needs to be at the transport controls.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Computer, transport me to the transport controls, then transport my head to my ex's quarters.

kobes 8 points 1 day ago [-]

Also, what does the transporter put in the place of the matter it removes? If it just leaves a vacuum, you'll experience a violent abdominal implosion.

(Good name for a death metal band...)

MrPolite 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Wouldn't the bladder just shrink down to a small size? Theoretically, couldn't you tell the computer to transport 80% of your bladder contents away so you have a mostly empty bladder? I mean, the computer wouldn't have to take any bladder wall away, it should have molecular precision.

kobes 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Yeah, but with a pure vacuum it would shrink very very quickly, possibly causing injury or at least discomfort.

I guess the transporter fills the space with air, otherwise you'd hear a loud bang whenever a person transported off the ship. But having air in your bladder might cause problems too...

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Solution: pee on the floor, then transport.

MrPolite 5 points 1 day ago [-]

A penis fart.

snookums 1 point 1 day ago [-]

The best teleportation I've seen on tv has to be the ones on Buffy. Specifically, the scenes where Anya regained her ability. They were graphically stunning. They even mentioned the characteristic sound from the displacement of air.

Vomit 1 point 1 day ago [-]

What does my body currently fill my bladder with when I take a piss. I can empty the thing myself in about 5 seconds, which seems to be about how long the transporter takes to work.

NickG 4 points 1 day ago [-]

Not if you didn't try to transport all the urine, just the bulk of it! out-trekkied

stopmotionsunrise 14 points 1 day ago [-]

Exactly, you'd just need to employ some sort of annular confinement beam of coherent neutrinos, in order to reverse the polarity and ultimately find the crack in the urine's event horizon before beaming it into space.


MrPolite 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Made no sense. Technobabble should at least make vague sense.

jamesshuang 3 points 1 day ago [-]

NO. Technobabble should NOT make any sense at all. Go watch Die Hard 4 or Transformers to see what happens when that goes wrong. "This is the signal that hacked our network - plays a sound". Yes. A analog SOUND hacked your DIGITAL computer network. And there's a seemingly infinite amount of information stuck into that sound. Because Nyquist doesn't exist in scifi.

MrPolite 1 point 19 hours ago [-]

Yeah, that part pissed me off. That, and the fact that the two "best tech people in the world" were a chubby black guy and a hot woman. I mean, seriously, WTF. Good Movie + Shit Cast = Bad Movie

kirun 10 points 1 day ago [-]

At least it contained the magic phrase "reverse the polarity" , so it is fully Star Trek Technobabble compliant.

NickG 3 points 1 day ago [-]

Yeah they should just try reversing the polarity first, half their problems would be solved in five minutes.

knylok 5 points 1 day ago [-]

I think that reversing the polarity in a bathroom situation would have disastrous consequences.

neuroelectronic 1 point 1 day ago * [-]

Such a stupid, stupid phrase when reversing the polarity is mostly analogous to simply plugging in a component backwards.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

With AC that actually doesn't make a difference.

michael333 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Bah! You need tetrion rediation modulated by an omega particle complex.

stopmotionsunrise 9 points 1 day ago [-]

Clearly you've never watched Star Trek: Voyager.

MrPolite 0 points 1 day ago [-]

Yes, thank god.

neuroelectronic 4 points 1 day ago [-]

I think if they had the technology to transport living matter, they could probably discern urine from living cells.

can you feel that?

Aux -1 points 1 day ago [-]

Urine has loads of living cells suspended in it.

Aux -1 points 1 day ago [-]

I don't get it.

-GOD- 2 points 1 day ago [-]

Urine is sterile.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Believe him. He speaks the truth. Also, I thought of this response before I read your name.

dougbdl 0 points 1 day ago [-]

enter a comment here

foxmajik -3 points 1 day ago [-]

Wow that looks a lot like XKCD.

foxmajik 0 points 1 day ago [-]

You mean "It's?"

MrPolite -2 points 1 day ago [-]

Punctuation = part of grammar? I'm not sure...

KillerAngel7 0 points 1 day ago [-]

Yes, but it's and its are a confusing subject.

lvngdead -2 points 1 day ago [-]

Now that was funny. Holyjuan, you should learn from this.

flukes2 -1 points 1 day ago [-]

How is this on the front page? It isn't funny.

JenM 5 points 1 day ago [-]

This is on the front page because so many of us are either sci-fi fans, or closet sci-fi fans.

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Or obnoxious assholes like me who have only seen like one episode but just want to piss on everyone's parade.

zmigliozzi 1 point 1 day ago [-]

I agree with you, it wasn't funny at all. I'm even a sci-fi fan.

MrPolite 1 point 1 day ago [-]

You're a big fat liar, is what you are!

zmigliozzi 2 points 1 day ago [-]

Live long and prosper my friend.

MrPolite -3 points 1 day ago [-]

Wow, that was a really fast reply! Upmodded for speed!

KillerAngel7 1 point 1 day ago [-]

Fast, but completely irrelevant.