The Official Ghetto Overlord Review of:
"You can tell he's a sexbot because he covering up his privates! He doesn't want you to know his feelings!!"
A quick synopsis the Toho Co., Ltd. article on Wikipedia (the least vandalized place on the internets) informs us that the legend behind 1993's Game of the Year Mecarobot Golf got into the business of being an epic company began with their foray into Japanese movies. They're the men behind The Seven Samurai, arguably the greatest film in the history of Japanese filmmaking. So there was no doubt in my mind that Toho could take on a project completely unrelated to moviemaking, and the result is one of the greatest and most unheralded games of the 1990's. Of course, my regular readers are keen to know that I'm joking; this game is a piece of fucking shit.
(Left): Hyper Golf Club Clubhouse, recaptured from "Ghetto" Overlord's family estate.
(Center): Yeah, she looks happy to be on the job.
(Right): It got the Nintendo Seal of Approval. Don't ask.
The Hyper Golf Club is the only integrated golf course in the United States, giving whites and robots a chance to finally see which is the superior race. Unless the golf course was built on an underground caffiene deposit, this may be one of the worst names ever given to a golf association. We have to assume the golf course is named "Hyper". Let that sink into your mind: the course itself is named "Hyper". Japan, just so you know how it's supposed to work, here are the American guidelines for naming your golf course.
[Adjective or Noun, Possibly Relating to Sense of Sight] + [Noun, Presumably Nature-Based] = Silver Pines
[Name of the Animal You've Endangered By Wiping Out Their Habitat and Building This Golf Course] + [Body of Water] = Eagle Creek
[Enduring Symbol of Racism] + [Symbol of Prosperity and Vitality] + [Type of Building, Can Be Plural] = Plantation at Rich Harvest Farms
[Nationality You're Looking to Keep Out of Your Golf Club] + [Noun Based on Antequated Man-Made Technology] = Spanish Wells
Being the most prestigious golf club in the world, the Hyper Golf Club will require that you rent one of their four beyond-awesome sets of golf clubs, reclaimed after the Poles declared the technology obsolete and retired the clubs from military combat in the late eighties.
From left to right: Bunny Ear Clubs of a Thousand Truths, Shitty Clubs, Steel-Shaft Clubs of the Monkey, All-American Vacuum. If you know why I added color to the text, place all of your points into suicide talents from level ten and on. World of Warcraft sucks. Stop playing it.
After you've selected the Bunny Ear Clubs of a Thousand Truths, you will be given the choice of three epic modes of play, all of which give a refreshing take on how not to design a golf game.
The exact same as Competition Mode. No, I'm serious. There's no "Lessons" in here, and all that happens is that Eagle makes fun of you because you can't bench 2,200 pounds like he can.
Driving Range Mode
Probably the most painful thing I've had to endure all year. This may not be saying much, considering my sheltered life makes the runner-up in this race a sprained ankle, . Not only is there no incentive to play the driving range (because this game sucks), you only get one-hundred balls in any given session at the driving range. Think I'm making that up? Here's a picture of the dumb blonde at the desk saying that. Apparently, the programmers also forgot to remember that a swing and a miss does not count as losing a golf ball, so every miss nets you one less swing.
This is pretty much the real game. You're given the option of playing against Eagle (who will outdrive you by 100 yards regardless of whether or not you've turned off the console by this point) or against "family members". Now, I put that in quotations because the dialogue suggests that you've never actually met them before and just gave a fake name to get into the country club and play with them. According to Mecarobot Golf, this is your family:
Don't worry, Eagle is a second cousin, so having sex with him is only immoral in forty-six states!
Let's meet the family!
Apparently oblivious to the fact you're family, Grace reintroduces herself to you and already has her eyes on your crotch. Keeping in mind that this game was made in an era where 1-Woods were capping out their shots at 260 yards, Grace has no problem putting the ball 300+ yards the other way. The ball will hang in the air for an average of three or four days, giving you plenty of time to look up her skirt.
Gary will ask at the beginning of the game to use the front tee, despite the fact that the designers only put one place on the each hole you can tee off from. Gary takes offense to comments about gay marraige, so exploit the SNES cart's built-in voice recognition and yes "this game is so gay" every time he swings the club. Can also hit the ball 300+ yards, something you will never be able to do no matter how hard you try.
Disregarding the obvious comeback of "I'd like to play with you, too", Gena is clearly the hotter of your two sisters. She's good at naked wrestling. Use this to your advantage!
Robo-Legolas, despite (and I will note that "despite" is becoming a common word in this article) being the only robot in the game, has the exact same skill set as the other three family members. So then you're probably wondering what three humans are doing in a golf game called Mecarobot Golf, not including the generic blonde-haired character you use in competition mode to go toe-to-toe with Robo-Legolas. Herein lies the flaw in Mecarobot Golf: that robot is the only thing that this game has to do at all with robots. If you removed the robot, this game would be "Generic Shitty Golf Game 7", another epic follow-up in the "bad SNES golf game" series, and easily the best in the franchise.
As for the gameplay itself? Let me just go down the list, of which I can only make two bullet points, a shining indicator of how little gameplay is actually in this game. I could carve an SNES catridge out of soap and get more gameplay out of that.
You cannot aim your shots, and the game automatically lines you up with the tee. You're given the option of your "stance", which puts hook or slice on the ball. Like it fucking matters.
There's delay in the button response, propelling the game to levels of suck that are normally only achievable by comets the come in and out of the solar system.
The arrow in the picture below is where I pressed the button to swing and the blue bar to the right of it is where it ended up. These controls are tighter than a Lindsay Lohan block party! WHOOO!!
In a game filled with limited driving range sessions, a lesson mode that doesn't even teach you how to play the game (as though there is actually anything to learn), the graphics may just be the biggest hate crime of anything that happened in 1993. In the screenshot to the left, it's supposed to be "winter", hence why the grass is faded. Forget that the idiots at Toho forgot that even shitty golf course maintenance teams usually keep this from happening, I've never seen screenshots that so more perfectly fit the "graphics like like vomit" mantra, because presumably, the golf course is made of vomit. Either that, or someone ran a mile of oatmeal down a beach and hoisted up a flagpole at the end.
Mecarobot Golf is so good that it defies the boundaries of logic. It's so good that only one of your five playable characters is actually a robot, and if you removed him, it would be another rushjob golf game that has absolutely nothing to do with robots.
After playing this game, I'm now convinced that we shouldn't have stopped with Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We had one more bomb at the time. Why not Tokyo? We had gone about three hours inbetween firebombings. But then again, if we had wiped out the Japanese, Nintendo probably never exists, Team USA Basketball doesn't have an opponent they're guaranteed to beat by fifty points, and the epic Japanese wrestling match between a stepladder and a table probably never happens.
In the face of this abomination called Mecarobot Golf? Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Graphics: 10 / 10 x 0
Gameplay: 1/4 / 10
Sound: 0 / 10
Time to Beat (estimated, since there's no way in hell I would play through the whole game): About an hour to complete eightteen holes.
Overall: -2 / 10 (Not an average.)
I really waited three weeks inbetween updates?
© 2006 by "Ghetto Overlord". Credit will be given when necessary, and I'd expect the same from you. We're all professional here; you can be hatin, but don't be stealin.