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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
 Posted - 18/11/2006 : 03:46:57
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Being a mechanic and welder, and the guy who works with big old machines that aren't made anymore and fabricates parts to fit and "make do", I have a serious problem with the assumed ineptitude of everyone but the Mechanicus in the 40K universe. Given a resonably inteligent mind, there's a certain amount of mechanical knowledge that people pick up intuitively, simply from living around the technology. On the other hand, there are things that would forever remain mysterious. And I can only imagine how galling that would be to an inquisitive mind.
With that in mind, I give you:
Architects & Enginseers
You know, back when I was in the Guard with the Cadian 93rd, pretty well all of us played some dice game or another. Craps was popular, but I liked Hazard personally, mostly 'cause it's too complicated for most of the boys and it weeds out the rougher characters. If you play long enough you get to know the other fellows who like the same game, and I met this tank mechanic who worked on Baneblades. I know, I know, we were lucky to have them around! Anyway, we were always short on enginseers, 'cause when they plugged themselves into their gizmos they forgot about the rest of the world. They got shot up so often that the officers made them stay in the rear until something really nasty happened. And since the Techpriests were never around, the tank crews did their own work whenever they could. Throne! Those enginseers hated the crews for it, but they couldn't stop the boys from working on the tanks, and some of them got pretty good. And now I'm getting distracted.
Anyway, I ran into that tank mechanic a few months ago –when I delivered that load of promethium to the Xylet colony, remember? He'd done a lot better than the rest of us that made it out alive. I guess you'd call him an architect or something. He was there at the colony, they'd brought him over from Cadia to build them a new foundry on the mining world they've got there. Must be some big money involved 'cause he looked like he could buy and sell two or three of us, and you know we don't do too bad here in the shipping business.
So I got to talking with him, and we talked about the old Guard days of course, how he'd done, how I'd done, if we had any family and so forth; that sort of thing. You know how it goes. And then he tells me that he's been out on the Sagittarius arm –I know, long damn way away. So he says he's been out on the Sagittarius arm, and he's been hearing things about this army that calls itself the Tau, and that their tech is as good as anything the Mechanicus has or better. I don't know if I believe it, but he's on a roll, you know?
Anyway, he looks at me and says "Do you want to know why the Tau are dangerous?" and of course I told him to go ahead. He picks up his auspex, he'd been using it to take geological readings; he points to it and says "because I can't make this, and they can."
So I ask him what he means. He says "I'm building a foundry on this world. I understand the mechanism of a foundry. I know how much oxygen is needed every hour to fire a flame hot enough to melt a tonne of iron ore, and I know what size pipe that much gas needs to run in. I know how strong the cranes have to be to pick up a billet, and I know how much oil the machine that rolls the billets flat is going to need every month. I know all that," and he taps his head, "up here. I can build a bridge, I can make a lathe, I can make a fifty-tonne drop-forge that makes crank shafts for steam engines. But can't make this. It's just an auspex, I use it every day. It's not even a good one, but I treat it like gold because I can't get another."
He asks me if I've ever looked inside an auspex. What a question! So I tell him I've not, and he tells me, "It's like a crystal inside, with the tiniest lines within, finer than threads of hair, and little lights flash down them like sparks. How do you make something like that? And how do you make it reach out and see things? How is it possible? Is it magic? Are the machine priests wizards and conjurers who put souls into mechanisms to make them work? I don't know, no one does outside of the Macine Cult –and that's the problem.
"You were in the Guard, you've seen the Baneblades. I could cast cannons in my foundry, and they could shoot ball shot and with a little work I could make the shot explode; but I couldn't make a cannon that can talk to you. If I make a part, I expect it to last for ten, twenty years. The Mechanicus makes the same part, and it lasts for a thousand. How is that possible?
"Everything I know, a man could sit down and figure out if he cared to think hard enough. But to look at the seamless things from the Mechanicus, Emperor only knows how to fix it when it breaks. I'd take a tank apart and I'd come to a box, and the box made the whole thing work. The rest of the parts I could figure out, their function was clear enough, but it's the box that counts. If the box breaks, you beg the Mechanicus for a new one on your hands and knees, or you abandon the whole tank! Most of the time, we had to abandon the tanks.
"The Tau are dangerous because they know what's in the box. Ever last bloody one of them knows, or knows someone who does. They can make things that only the Mechanicus could begin to understand as easily as I can make ball bearings. And the tragedy of it is, not even the Mechanicus knows enough to build themselves back to a place where we could do the same. How can we stand against that? Our only hope is for the God-Emperor to rise again and take the cobwebs from our eyes, or else all will be lost."
He got downright moody after that, and I had to walk away. Honestly now, how can a man respond to a speech like that? He must have thought about it a lot, but Throne of Earth I think he looks at it in a nasty sort of way. And how would he know any of it in the first place? It's not as if the bloody Fabricator General came down and told him. He's better off leaving that lot to the Administratum. We're getting along well enough, aren't we? Things can't possibly be as bad as all that.
They can't, can they?
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Destichado -Your friendly neighborhood knight in shining armor!
(des-ti-KA-do)
Song of the Shieldwall, Imperial Apathy, Architects & Enginseers
Hatred & Spite, The Little Hill, Chosen of the Eagle God
Kandahar's Shores |
Edited by - Destichado on 18/11/2006 20:28:21 |
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Ringo
Corporal
USA
63 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 04:14:25
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As a short story, I love this. I think you did great. The approach to vocab and grammar is perfect for the setting you presented. I applaud the effort here. I would love to see if you have anything else to expand on this. Big time props.
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~* The Mad Cap Chaplain *~
Each man is a spark in the darkness.
Would that we all burn as bright. |
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xance
Captain
United Kingdom
922 Posts |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 19:59:28
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Thanks, both.
What do you (er, all of you) think of the Imperium having two seperate tech-bases? One aproximately Victorian and heavily industrial which is NOT dependant on the Mechanicum. The other consisting of the Machine Cult's "lost knowledge" -the ultra-durable materiels sciences, microelectronics (have they achived nano-tech?), genetics etc. -the techniques of which are practiced slavishly but often lack the knowledge/science base to be understood and expounded upon.
I think this accomidates the "gothic" feel of 40k, where monstrously huge, inefficent, but brilliantly concieved mechanisms exist beside mirco-computers and advanced sensor tech.
It does stray from the accepted fluff in that it allows for normal people who are NOT affiliated with the Machine Cult to understand, work on and build things like steam engines, lathes, drill-presses and milling machines, working on a tech-level roughly the same as Edison started with before electricity. But if you don't allow for that you have to think there are Mechanicus adepts in every town, serving as welders, general mechanics, electricians and fix-it types.
Thoughts? |
Destichado -Your friendly neighborhood knight in shining armor!
(des-ti-KA-do)
Song of the Shieldwall, Imperial Apathy, Architects & Enginseers
Hatred & Spite, The Little Hill, Chosen of the Eagle God
Kandahar's Shores |
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Caroulus Grey
Lieutenant
193 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 20:19:13
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| I think the idea of the two seperate tech bases is quite reasonable, really. After all, I get the impression that the thing the Mechanicus objects most to (apart from having its secret stolen) is innovation, and, given the level of technology the Imperium CAN possess, the sort of technology your talking about pales in comparison - I don't think the Mechanicus really could limit its use, because it would basically have most of the Imperium regress to a completly primitive level. Still, I suspect the AdMech would insist on everything being shown to them, and the proper rituals always being used. |
INQUISITOR PLAYERS! PAY HEED, FOR A NEW FANSINE COMETH...
www.darkmagenta.net |
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Sholto
Major
United Kingdom
1966 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 20:56:21
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Interesting piece - the perspective of the caveman who knows enough to know that he is a caveman, and that the people who're coming aren't!
As for your take on two tech bases within the Imperium, I think it would exist to some extent, but not maybe as you describe it.
Officially, every machine will be blessed, sanctified and approved by the Mechanicus, from a simple lift-motor to a space-ship, from a welder's torch to a titan cannon. If it breaks, you have no choice but to wait for a techpriest or enginseer or whatever to come along and fix it. You can imagine the effects this would have on everyday life, but it is akin to a man with no DIY skills or inclination having to wait for a plumber or a plasterer or a locksmith. The Mechanicus have a very tight guild and a very closed shop!
Then there would be the black market, with unauthorised machines. Since most people believe in machine spirits they wouldn't touch these, or would only do so in dire emergency.
Then there would be black market engineers and technicians, to work on the black market items. They risk death, though, so would be rare and very expensive, and probably employed solely by the criminal organisations that need them.
There are two exceptions I can see where your two-tier system might actually exist. Firstly on frontier worlds where all laws are mutable, including those of the Mechanicus. You do what works, or you die. Secondly in the IG, where it would be a necessity for mechanised crews to learn something of their machines.
I quote from Heaven's Altar - Chapter Five, which reflects both the 'necessity' and the 'frontier' exemptions (Resac is alcohol):-
quote:
As the Adeptus Mechanicus’ representative aboard – the techpriests too afraid of the baleful effects on their kind of what they called the banestar to actually come on board a PDF vessel – Anath was expected to wear the metalled robes, and carry flasks of sacred unguents with him at all times. He had an extensive collection of holy texts, although these were heavily redacted, with only the most basic rituals, litanies and incantations remaining – he was not of the Adeptus, but the PDF. As with every other PDF Machinist in Argo-Navis, however, these robes and flasks lasted about as long as it took for the embarkation shuttle from Primor to loosen its clamps, and the parchment of the texts made useful insulation for some coolant pipes. His hair had almost completely grown back and his scalp could hardly been seen any more. He would shave it again just before they returned to Primor, and put his robes back on then too. The texts, sadly, were always being lost in some ship-board fire.
As a concession to his sacred duties his cap, which he removed when Keir approached, had a rough drawing of a cog-wheel around its brim, and he wore one of the flasks on a chain around his neck. Word was it contained Resac.
Sholto |
40K - because hokey religions and ancient weapons are more than a match for a good blaster!
I have a website with loads of stories on it - Incunabulum
I also have a blog - Incunabulog
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Edited by - Sholto on 18/11/2006 20:59:27 |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 21:17:39
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quote:
Originally posted by Sholto
Officially, every machine will be blessed, sanctified and approved by the Mechanicus, from a simple lift-motor to a space-ship, from a welder's torch to a titan cannon. If it breaks, you have no choice but to wait for a techpriest or enginseer or whatever to come along and fix it. You can imagine the effects this would have on everyday life, but it is akin to a man with no DIY skills or inclination having to wait for a plumber or a plasterer or a locksmith. The Mechanicus have a very tight guild and a very closed shop!
Then there would be the black market, with unauthorised machines. Since most people believe in machine spirits they wouldn't touch these, or would only do so in dire emergency.
Then there would be black market engineers and technicians, to work on the black market items. They risk death, though, so would be rare and very expensive, and probably employed solely by the criminal organisations that need them.
Sholto
Indeed. Lacking codicies myself, you would be more familiar with the details than I, but that's exactly how I understood the situation to be in the Fluff.
I took issue with that. What I wrote was essentialy an argument, in the guise of something else. =) |
Destichado -Your friendly neighborhood knight in shining armor!
(des-ti-KA-do)
Song of the Shieldwall, Imperial Apathy, Architects & Enginseers
Hatred & Spite, The Little Hill, Chosen of the Eagle God
Kandahar's Shores |
Edited by - Destichado on 18/11/2006 21:18:27 |
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Maximus
Lieutenant
Netherlands
277 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 23:10:37
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| Pretty good, but maybe use enter a bit more. Personally I think it reads easier. |
for whoever Maximus is too long, just call me Hans Jacob Peter Jensen 689th or max
live life, die death and do what you want in the meantime.
My stories:
The birth of a Wulfen
A great mission
lame name, but I'm proud of it.
'Rise of the tau' for stickying!!
p.s. I meant to send 5 euro's too, but I already sealed the envelop. |
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Anodyr
Lieutenant
United Kingdom
274 Posts |
Posted - 18/11/2006 : 23:56:55
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First, great story. Well written, the vocab style was consistent, and I could "hear" this guy recounting his story to me as I read it. Good work, I shall start looking up some of your other stuff now that you've caught my atention.
Second, I'm inclined to agree with you about the "two levels of tech" theory. The way I see it, the Imperium is huge, and the Ad.Mech are a tiny cog in the big machine (pun intended!). There can't possibly be enough tech priests available in every village/town/city on every world in the Imperium to maintain the more mundane equipment, so in my mind there must be two types of equipment - a "low-tech" type that can be built and maintained without Ad. Mech involvement, and a "high-tech" type that works using principles beyond the cognitive abilities of the common man and therefore requires the Ad.Mechs.
So, what distinguishes one from the other?
I would probably imagine the lower tech type to be items that are purely mechanical i.e. basic components easily reproduced that work together through the application of simple principles. For example, a man-powered printing press.
The higher tech type would be anything "technological", meaning that a part (or the whole thing) uses advanced techniques, components and/or principles such as computer programming, crystal-based technology, AI, circuit boards, nuclear-physics, chemistry or whatever. If it goes wrong, you're going to have to call in a tech priest to fix it, because no-one else has the slightest idea where to start.
Another way to look at it is in terms of the "conspiracy theory". For one reason or another humanity "forgot" how to use/create technology. Since then the Tech Priests have been out gathering this info, to the point where they hold all the knowledge necessary to create/maintain the Imperiums technology. They jealously guard this knowledge, refusing to let anyone outside their organisation learn their secrets. This makes them very powerful, and their skills become very desirable. They claim that technology and religion are intertwined, worshipping the Omnissiah, and demonstrating that ritual and belief are important aspects in their work. Everyone else believes them, and therefore become less inclined to actually look into the inner workings of whatever gizmo it is that they believe themselves unable to fix.
As an analogy, citizen x believes his house is haunted. Who does he call? A priest. Why not the police or a lifeguard or a sweetshop owner? Because priests are the ones with the knowledge required to rid his house of this particular problem. How doess x know this? Because he saw it on t.v./ heard it from citizen y/ read about such a thing in a book. Why doesnt x excorcise the malevelant spirit himself? Because he's just plain old citizen x. He wouldnt know where to start. Everyone knows excorcisms are jobs for priests.
And so the myth of the machine-spirit is perpetuated, and the Ad. Mech continue to maintain a position of great power and influence within the Impeium.
Hope I managed to make a coherent point there. If not, its late and I'm tired...
Anyway, like I said before, good story.
Anodyr
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Rimciv
Trooper
6 Posts |
Posted - 19/11/2006 : 23:17:58
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| I really liked this story, especially the way it was presented. You make the character come alive with very little character development at all, just details. The look at 40k tech was very interesting too. I wish more was written about this side of the 40k universe. |
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Sholto
Major
United Kingdom
1966 Posts |
Posted - 20/11/2006 : 10:04:19
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quote:
Originally posted by Destichado
I took issue with that. What I wrote was essentialy an argument, in the guise of something else. =)
Fair enough, but your argument makes two assumptions. One, that assumed ineptitude is the reason given by GW as to why only the Mechanicus deals with machines. I think this is wrong - ineptitude is not the issue. Fear is. Two, the existence and likely effect of inquisitive minds.
Basically, I don't think ineptitude is an issue, and I don't think inquisitive minds would make much, if any, difference. Fear is the real issue here. The fear generated by an all-encompassing tyranny of the mind. It's impossible for us to know the true effects of this, but we can imagine.
When you have been brought up to know that machines have spirits and that only the holy Mechanicus can quell or instruct them, and that the penalties for disobedience are severe if not inhuman, and when no-one else in the entire world would dream of incurring these penalties because the Emperor is always watching, and He knows everything you do - fear would dominate every other impulse. You and I know the existence of other ways and other truths - the average Imperial citizen would and could not.
Those rare, rare few with inquisitive minds and the bravery, strength of will and/ or stupidity to match (and whose masterful and unavoidable indoctrination has been somehow unsuccessful) would quickly fall foul of the checks and safeguards and make their activities known to the authorities. And then their time outwith the dark of the cave would be very limited indeed.
There are periods and societies in human history where social, political and religious structures have combined to destroy man's inquisitive nature. The Imperium is the apotheosis of these.
And for me, one of the true horrors of 40k is that the Imperium might actually be right 
Sholto |
Edited by - Sholto on 20/11/2006 10:06:15 |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
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s4G
Lieutenant
USA
230 Posts |
Posted - 20/11/2006 : 21:37:41
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I just wanted to say that I like this piece a lot. It flows well... I could picture this guy talking to me - just like one of those 'American Express' commercials.
I never felt lost like who was talking or what they were talking about. Puts my stuff to shame IMO. Well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it. |
"Always mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy; and when you strike and overcome him, never let up pursuit." - Thomas Jackson
if you want to read some of my other work check out my "Yarns" blog
My on going Necromunda tale: The Life and Times of Ian Hauk
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Chun
Major
United Kingdom
1544 Posts |
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Squiggle
Lieutenant Colonel
United Kingdom
3372 Posts |
Posted - 31/12/2006 : 17:20:27
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Yeah, echoing what Chun said, this does kinda echo my own view of 40k. Although I imagine it differs across the galaxy - some areas are probably alot worse for technology and whose hands it is in than others.
Well written and thought provoking. |
<surly onion-eyed hugger-mugger!>
Buy me a shiny new machine that runs on lies and gasoline, and all those batteries we stole from smoke alarms, and disassembles my dispair. It never took me anywhere. It never once bought me a drink.
Reconstruction Site, The Weakerthans
‘Good morning,’ I said, with all the frivolity of attempted genocide. Launcifer's Paolo Kossoff, in one sentence.
Finch
Planetkill - Few Against Many
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bigmant773
Lieutenant
USA
448 Posts |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
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Launcifer
Namer of Names
United Kingdom
3749 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2007 : 14:55:56
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I think on Imperial Apathy, I said something about it being emphemoral. I meant that, but I didn't (I was thinking of ethereal  ). The way you write is very spectral, like a memory playing tricks on an old man. You have good, slightly left-field ideas and you explore them in a manner that makes me speculate - I look for that in a piece of writing. I just wish you'd expand them further sometimes .
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>>Fobbing flap-mouthing flax-wench!<<
Warhammer Stories
Johannes Gerstemais must die, Greenskin, Gallows Pole, Lady in Black (alternate version here), Despair the Reaper (incomplete), Hairpiece for Volkmar, The Wizard
Warhammer 40,000 Stories and Vignettes
Genesis, What a Friend we have in Iosef, Sympathy
The Heresies of Kossoff: or how I learned to stop worshipping daemons and love the Inquisition (Warhammer 40,000)
After Forever, Supernaut, Shooting Star, Scholum's Out, Comfortably Numb, Naked Eye, Forty-Two, The Twitch |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 11:29:47
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You know, sometimes I do too.
On the other hand, something I've learned from many years of shop work is that you learn your limitations, then design around them. If you know what you have on hand, and you know what you want, with a little ingenuity you can do amazing things without much to work with.
Now, I can't claim that I've been doing amazing things, because I know all too well that what I'm capable and what I've done aren't nearly as equal as they ought to be. But, the way I look at it, the writing itself is slowly upping my "tolerance specs", and in the mean time I've taken an idea from conception to completion. And when it comes to finishing things, like most of us, I need all the practice (and help!) that I can get. |
Destichado -Your friendly neighborhood knight in shining armor!
(des-ti-KA-do)
Song of the Shieldwall, Imperial Apathy, Architects & Enginseers
Hatred & Spite, The Little Hill, Chosen of the Eagle God
Kandahar's Shores |
Edited by - Destichado on 02/01/2007 11:31:50 |
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Firewind
Lieutenant
United Kingdom
100 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 13:31:30
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I agree with you Destichado
Over the years, the GW 40K universe has changed. My source books are from the early nineties, late eighties. What I have noticed, is the world is not as dark, depressing and down right miserable as it used to be. This is portrayed in the artwork and models.
Take the Tau for instance. Bright technological chaps.
The story of the 40K universe was that the Imperium of man was split by Chaos and the warp. Leaving many planets to fend for themselves. The trouble was that those planets had a technological level they could not sustain. Faced with technology they could not live with out, nor repair, they simply went into meltdown.
The interesting thing is, that according to the old books, the Imperium of man enjoyed a technological existence the same as, if not greater, than that of the Tau. Then things went a bit pear shaped.
Some planets survived better than others when cut off by the warp. This was probably due to the existence of mechanics that happened to be in the area and the presence constructer templates (the correct term fails me at the moment). As such, technology became fragmented with some planets retaining knowledge that others forgot and vice versa.
I wonder if the basis of 40K was based partly on two films out at the time. ‘Threads’ and ‘War games’ (not the American boy hacks NORAD one). Both films explored the ability of the UK to survive a nuclear war. Both were depressing as hell and both were ‘banned’ because the government decided we couldn’t cope with the subject matter. They are both available now and are still depressing as hell. Many of the characters are now in Coronation Street!
Many of the problems in the 40K universe are happening now. Take for instance, cars. As little as five years ago, many problems with cars could be fixed by going down to Halfords (or equivalent) buying the part and fixing it yourself. Now, cars are so complicated, needing the use of special tools and diagnostic equipment, that you have no choice but to take it to an expensive garage. If that garage was not there….
Mobile phones and broadband: How many of use could do without either, yet ten years ago we did.
Several months ago, I broke one of the joysticks on my crane. No matter, it’s only a joystick. The bill? Over a thousand pounds because of the electronics inside. The crane was useless till a part came from Germany. That scenario could easily be changed to an essential piece of terra-forming, and Germany could be another planet cut off by warp storms.
Those that operate machinery will inevitably end up fixing parts themselves. A construction plant operator in the British Army is not supposed to change hydraulic rams (oil/ air filters, oil changes, greasing is all were supposed/ trusted to do). Yet there was never a fitter or REME mechanic around when needed so you learned, and learned how to change track bearings, ball joints etc, etc. It was a measure of someone’s ability. A good operator was good at operating a machine AND fixing it.
So it’s inevitable that drivers/ operators in the 40K Universe are going to learn things they shouldn’t, just by the expedient of looking over a tech-priest’s shoulder. “You want a hand with that?” “Let me hold this while you bolt the other end on”
Then there is the more pragmatic side. A driver that can fix an engine fault during a full scale retreat is likely to live longer!
Sholto: You were spot on. When I started working with cranes I was scared of breaking the damn thing, so whenever there was a strange noise I was straight on the phone to a fitter. Now, several years later, if there is a strange noise, side panels go a flying and I’m straight in there with a spanner. Still can’t fix the damn thing though.
Reading the Fan fiction survey, people seem to want more stories off the beaten path. So that seems to be less of space marines and guardsmen and more of engineers/fitters. After all, I read this story purely because the title promised something different, and I wasn’t disappointed. MORE!
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My stories to date, click on a colour!:
The Loyndl Incursion:
Shopping with the girlfriend (part one) (40k) (part two) Invasion (40k) Arbitrary Arbites (40K) Tobias (40K) Space Hulk (40K)
Other stories:
Succubus of Slaanesh (40K) Shadow Hunter (40K WIP extremely long) Un-friendly fire (40K) RRRR (40K) Y? (40K)
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bigmant773
Lieutenant
USA
448 Posts |
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Destichado
Captain
USA
513 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 16:17:57
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Sorry, Architects and Enginseers is done, there won't be any more. =)
Look for something new in the next day or two.
You know, I think I should be agreeing with Firewind, not the other way around!
But to add, there's been a signifigant study of how to rebuild a tech base from scratch. The key comes in whether you can preserve and disseminate knowledge beyond the lifetime of one person or not. If you can, you're fine, you can recover. If you can't, you get backwards pesants living in the ruins of an advanced civilization... something just like 40K. |
Destichado -Your friendly neighborhood knight in shining armor!
(des-ti-KA-do)
Song of the Shieldwall, Imperial Apathy, Architects & Enginseers
Hatred & Spite, The Little Hill, Chosen of the Eagle God
Kandahar's Shores |
Edited by - Destichado on 02/01/2007 16:23:11 |
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Feil
Lieutenant
USA
457 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 13:07:11
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quote:
Originally posted by Chun
Thought-provoking, and nicely-written. Strange thing is, I already kind of assumed what you're presenting to be the truth of such matters anyway.
Quoted for truth. I like this.
I'd strike "in the shipping business" from the end of paragraph 2. It's unnecessary (we already know that he ships prometheum) and his coworker knows what "here" is. It breaks POV a bit.
Check your commas. A few of them need to be semicolons or dashes, especially the one after "he picks up his auspex".
You're missing a comma before "'Do you want to know why the Tau are dangerous?'" and before "'I'm building a foundry on this world.'" I think it's a stupid rule, but it's a rule, and ya follows it.
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Feil's DeviantArt
Finished:
Death and Burial | Giving | The Fourth Speaker | The Real Scar
In-Progress:
Home World | The Shadow War
Random:
About Jack | 84 Seconds | Fanfiforum | States of Being | The Execution | Apocalypto |
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D.J.Wilkins
Major
United Kingdom
1881 Posts |
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Glaurung
Captain
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2007 : 06:51:31
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| Me too. |
Sacus pacus parrebellum.-To have peace, prepare for war.-The Punisher
Artist prevouisly known as exarch593. |
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Blue and Bronze
Corporal
Singapore
77 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2007 : 14:09:08
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Good story with an excellent plot, although there are some tiny quirks in your grammar that have already been pointed out by others on this thread.
Still, I liked it. You make the Tau sound really dangerous, depsite my impression of them generally being rather brittle when compared to the not-so-subtle brutality of an Astartes. 
Keep it up! |
"I am the storm of silence; I am the flame of frost; I am the fane of fear."
- Quote by a servant of the eightfold path during Inquisitorial interrogation |
Edited by - Blue and Bronze on 10/07/2007 14:10:17 |
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His Will
Lieutenant
Denmark
467 Posts |
Posted - 18/08/2007 : 23:19:50
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| Too cool for school. |
-Speaking for the Emperor of Mankind since 1988-
Now listening to: 4th Cathecism of Hate
"Nobody likes a Tau" - Plato ca. 412 BC
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Architects & Enginseers
