Despite being busy as hell.... there is always time to DRINK!!!

I mean where the hell have I been?!?! I just literally never have the time to blog! Even now I *should* be sleeping so that I can get to the gym at 5am before work which is totally psychotic, but hey I have a "pool bachlorette party" in T MINUS ONE MONTH. That is right... operation starvation in full effect.

In other news, for those of you who have been paying attention to the Paddy saga that has been like my own personal soap opera for just shy of two years, here is the latest: DUDE IS MISSING ME LIKE CRAZY.

He called again last night trying to get me to come over after blowing off "a nice dinner out" less then a week ago. I told him I was too tired, despite wanting to tell him to fuck off, because the stringing him along is a lovely and I'm too sick and twisted to give that up. We chatted for a good half hour when I finally told him it was bedtime,
"I can be there in 10 minutes if you want me to."
"No, Paddy it is time for bed."
"Wow blowing me off twice in one week."
"Aw I'm sure you're ego can handle it."
"You're funny Irish."

So that is where that stands, at least for now.

This past weekend I was supposed to take advantage of some fine subway series action when the Friday game got rained out. Luckily I hadn't ventured up to the Bronx but was instead waiting for them to call the game at "My Bar" in Midtown, getting bombed off of free drinks with Newark, FunnyGuy and Shorty.

Bert started texting me about how we never hang out (mainly because he's been a little off his rocker in the past year since our homeboy OD'ed, which on a certain level is understandable, and on another level too serious for me to blog about) so I told him to head in to the city, which he did... of course not before getting lost in the Battery Park Tunnel... seriously how does one ever accidentally end up in the Battery Park Tunnel?!?

A few sorostitutes showed up, FunnyG and Shorty bounced and Sam arrived at the same time as Bert. After doing a few updated introductions Bert and I headed out to smoke a cig when I decided it was a great idea to drop my phone and let it shatter into 500 pieces, ok 5 pieces but I WAS LIVID! Thanks to Newark, this phone had lasted since JULY... the longest life of any cell phone I have ever owned. RIP CELLY.

From that point on its a little blurry, world on the street is I turned into "Mean Irish" partly because my cell was dead and partly because my friend Nak was ALLLLLL OVER Sam. It wasn't that I was mad that my booze bud was flirting with one of my friends and that ya know he's accidentally been inside me, but rather that she just LOVES attention and was totally leading him on... I left before I caused a scene (she later ditched him for someone else) where I apparently must have met up with Jew's BFF Mike (best kisser ever) because I woke up in his bed Saturday morning.

I left Mike's and headed straight to Verizon with the third worst hangover I have ever felt in my life. I was dreaming about sleeping in my bed all afternoon when my buddy Mo called me up and said,
"Yo Irish we are going out to do some day drinking and watch the Mets game."
"Um you mean the Yanks game dude."
"What the fuck ever are you gonna come meet us or what."
"I need a shower I'll see you in an hour."
"You never let me down."
"My liver wishes I did."

It is great because in the past 6 months a group of my guy friends from college decided to start moving within 4 blocks of my apartment. I'm finally learning to take advantage of the outter borough that I call home.

So we drank all afternoon, watched the Yanks suck ass, and decided to HEAD TO THE BEER GARDEN! That went something like this:

- Ran into sorostitutes outside and headed in
- Laughed at the entire line of idiots waiting in what they thought was a formal "pitcher line" and cut straight to the bar
- Ran into Sam's old roommate who gave me a beer to drink while trying to get beer.
- Got bumped into by a drunk idiot so many times that I kicked him in the shin only to have him turn around and magically be MY COUSIN visiting from Yonkers. Go figs.
- Drank a shitload of beer.
- Hung out by the empty kegs and told everyone that walked by they were cooler then a table.
- Got a table.
- Drank a shitload of beer.
- Went back inside and hung with Sam's old roommate's table only to drop my $400 "loaner" camera in a pint of beer while showing off karaoke pics from last month.
- Decided I was hungry.
- Drank a shitload of beer.
- Realized I couldn't see out of either of my eyes.
- Started complaining I was hungry.
- Told my friend Bill, BlackIrishStud's roommate, to go buy food to cook on his grill. He did.
- Left Beer Garden when Bill called to confirm the grill was warming up and the food had been purchased.
- Picked up beer and either walked or took a cab to Bill's.
- Drank a shitload of beer.
- Blasted "Wild Rover" and sang it at the top of my lungs.
- Ate a hotdog, cheeseburger and sausage.
- Told a room full of people embarrassing stories about myself including but not limited to the time I got my nipple pierced in Atlantic City and the piercer couldn't get my nipple hard because I was too drunk. I later removed said nipple ring after realizing it looked trashy through my tank tops.
- Told BlackIrishStud's girlfriend that she was way cooler then his last girlfriend who was a C-U-Next...
- Drank one final beer.
- Stumbeled home.

Other then that it is pretty much back to the grind. I look forward to a looooong 4 day weekend where I will once again be heading upstate to IRISH FEST!!! I have a feeling the make out bandit might just be on the prowl!

Cheers,
Irish

Alive?!?!

Yea we are.... ughhhh but why are we sooooooooo busy.

I feel like all I do is work and drink.

HELLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be back soon, maybe tonight. It was between blogging or going to Nordstrom's and well you can guess which I picked ;)

Cheers,
Irish

LASIK Park II, 'the waiting room'

For Part I see here

So the wait for the surgery was hard because i was so excited to just do it and get it over with (yea i know, that's what she said;) ), but the day of the procedure i was a fucking nervous wreck. I really didn't expect to feel that way but i was literally sweating buckets on my way over there and when i saw my mom waiting for me under the awning i had to stop myself from turning around and booking in the opposite direction.

Of course my dad called her as soon as we met up (he calls every 5 minutes when she leaves NJ, it's so annoying. He is 40 minutes away and can NOT cut the cord). That's when i found out that he was under the impression that i was paying for the surgery. But the think is my mom told me that my dad was footing the bill... turns out she lied to both of us- me so that i would get the procedure done- and him because... well just because my Dad is not easy to deal with so she usually prefers to keep him happy and stress-free, thereby allowing the rest of us to be stress-free as well.
Anyway, the fact that my mom had to scrounge up this money without my dad knowing made my anxiety and guilt jump like 10 levels. All of a sudden i found myself really, REALLY... wanting to go home. So instead i just kind of went into robot mode. We checked in, went to the office, sat down and watched the food network on the huge flat screen that they have in the waiting room. I'm telling you, i have never been so happy to hear the comforting southern drawl and high-fat-high-comfort cooking of Paula Dean. This office also has like the best lattes I've EVER HAD, but unfortunately you can't have any caffeine the day of the surgery so i couldn't have it. but seriously, BEST EVAH. All the people who were accompanying people getting the surg were drinking it.

After about 5 minutes the assistant gave me this form to sign-- i swear this woman has a voice that is the personification of your mom kissing a boo boo as a kid, she must practice a lot at home. So she gives me this form that is like 4 pages, and as she directs me to the suede couch she says, "it sounds scary, but remember that this is the same form that they give out if you get the eye surgery here, or at a mall." ummm... what?!

I begin reading:
I have to assume that this form is to get people to pick up their shit, and run screaming from every office. It basically tells you that any number of things can happen during the surgery, beginning with blindness, and ending with you growing a vagina on you face. Like, seriously as i was reading this my mom turns to look at me and goes, "jesus what does it say?!" she said I looked positively green. I looked up to see another girl reading the same form across from me and she looked absolutely horrified as well. We locked eyes and i just said: "lets stop reading and just sign the fucking thing." We did.

By then the waiting room was full, the cast of characters:
Across from me, Indian girl who signed the form with me.
To her left, older gentleman (50's) who had just taken a Valium and was like, FLYING.
To my right, his wife
To the left of his wife, my mom
To my right, very attractive but annoyingly talkative young German rich guy.
In the procedure room at that moment, some guy-- his pregnant wife was on a chair behind me.

The Valium guy was like, alternatively falling asleep and mumbling to no one, and his wife-- a ball breaking cool broad was telling us that her son had just had the surgery and was so happy with the results that the dad got jealous, and that was why they were there.

German guy was telling us that he had watched a LASIK procedure on Youtube (our reaction: "WHY would you do that to yourself?!?!"). We had to collectively stop engaging him in conversation because he was ridiculous and making us all nervous. And then... THE SOUND BEGAN.

SHHHLOOOOOP CLONKCLONKCLONK SUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKK FLUSH!!!

The Waiting Room: Ummm... what (me: THE FUCK) was that??

My knuckles went white. "That was the laser!" I exclaimed quietly. That shut us all up. That sound was like, right out of a Stephen King novel-- it was the sound of a brain (eyeball) being sucked out of a human head, and flushed down an industrial toilet. We all got quiet for awhile, next was Valium dude's turn. I turned up my book on tape to drown out the noise- but i still heard it again. My mom, who was trying to remain calm, was definitely looking at me like she was trying to memorize my face before i had my corneas sucked out by some horror story machine.

At this point, i am paralyzed with fear. People keep going back in the room, the laser keeps sucking their brains out. The office was actually short-staffed that day, it was like the first 70 degree nice day of the spring, and the nice receptionist told me that 2 people had called out 'sick.' So it was taking a little longer that day. I had been there around 2 and a half hours (you should expect to be in the office about two hours total) when i finally got my Valium. They gave me the eye tests over again, i watched some video, and the Vpill did it's job. By the time it was my turn i was feeling calm. By then a lot of people had had the procedure and left. German guy was after me, but Indian girl did it, so did Valium guy (his wife was totally breaking his balls on the way out-- it was hilarious, espesh to me who was high on Val.) But still... even with people seemingly being ok on their way out (mostly they were too zonked or blind to talk to me obviously) that noise was so scary every time i heard it I would shudder inside.

I got called back into the surgery room and there was Dr. Brian Boitano Bonanni waiting for me. We joked a little at first so that i could get my nerves in check-- I was kinda zonked so i can't remember if Dr. B or the assistant told me this next part, but someone told me that they had given the Valium guy two Valiums because he was so big, thinking that he would need a lot, and was surprised at how much it fucked him up. They said that Indian girl took two as well and wasn't even fazed. I said that she was clearly a recreational drug user. That's all i remember until i was lying down with a blanket on me and Dr. Brian leaning over my face.

THIS NEXT PART IS GROSS SO IF YOU ARE GROSSED BY EYE SHIT DON'T READ ON.

Ok now that we lost all those squeamish losers, here we go ;) :

remember i was fucked up and traumatized so i don't know if I'm doing this is order. For more info on this part go here.

One of my eyes was taped closed, and the one he was working on was taped open, then he stuck in some device that i guess surrounded my eyeball so that i couldn't blink. Then he put some drops in. Then he put some other thing on my eye and told me that i was going to lose my vision, it must have been a suction thing, cause it felt like my eye was being suuuucccked outta my head( a little). Then my sight went black, except for this green point (the laser i guess) that the Doc kept telling me to focus on. That was hard cause your first instinct when something freaks you out is to blink right? Well i couldn't, so i just took a deep breath, squeezed my squeezy eyeball toy that they gave me, and tried to concentrate on this green point. Then Dr. Brian tells me "now comes the uncomfortable part, jewey, try to breathe"

ut oh.

When a doctor tells you something is going to be 'uncomfortable' he means PAIN PAIN PAIN.

And I'm not going to lie to you... there was some pain-- but it was definitely closer to an 'uncomfortable' sensation than to actual pain from lets say, breaking your arm or getting punched in the face. you know when you pick at your cuticles? (no? well i'm sorry mr. perfect but some of us have a little STRESS SOMETIMES.) ahem. So anyway, when you pick at your cuticles and maybe you go a little crazy and pull off a piece of skin that shouldn't have been picked off, and then it stings a little? That is the equivalent of the pain. It's annoying, and uncomfortable, but ultimately not so bad.

This was the part where the Doctor used a blade called a microkeratome to cut a very small corneal flap to peel back (ew: eyeball peel) so that the laser can shoot my eyesight until it's all better. (that's medical speak- sorry to all you laymen)

So that part was a little uncomfortable and like... squeemy i guess is the best word? Is that a word? Anyway, once that was done the Doc is still speaking to me in his calm voice telling me to try to focus on the light. I'm trying my best, and i think i did pretty good. At this point you start to smell your eye 'burning.' Now everyone that told me about the procedure is like 'the weirdest part is when you smell your EYE FLESH BURNING!!

But like, whatev. Have any of you ever been in a tanning salon? That's the smell. It's not your flesh cooking like bacon on a skillet it's just hot skin-- everyone that has this surgery should have to go tanning first so that they're familiar with that smell cause it's not as bad as they make it seem. It's sort of sweet and weird, but familiar to me.

Anyhoo- this goes on for like 6 seconds, and then it stops and the suction stops. Then you can see again, and the doctor is kind of painting that flap back in place. This feels weird but sort of nice and cooling. It's also weird cause you now know what a canvas feels like; just hope your eye turns out to be a Di Vinci and not a Velvis.

So after the doc paints your eye for awhile, he tapes that one closed and gets started on the other eye. This whole thing, both eyes, takes maybe five minutes (prep time included) and then you're done. At this point you can see, but it feels like there is a bunch of shit in your eyes or something, you really just want to look down at the ground with your eyes half closed. The doctor helped me up and asked me how i felt ("fine"- i told his feet). And you are taken to a back room where the lights are really dimmed (ahhh) and there are some recliner chairs (more ahhh) and they send the person who came with you to come sit with you for 10 minutes with your eyes closed. My mom asked for another latte for the drive home, and the assistant went off to make it.

My mom and i were sitting there kind of chatting, when i remembered the noise. "You know," I remarked, "when you're getting the procedure done, you don't hear the horrible noise. Maybe you can't hear the laser when it's that close to you?" "Weird," My mom answered. "That could be it but thank god either way because that noise is--"

SHHHLOOOOOP CLONKCLONKCLONK SUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKK FLUSH!!!

"Your latte?" Says the assistant.

Oh.

That sound? Yea it was the latte machine. The laser sounds more like a drill or something. But i swear, that entire waiting room was scared shitless. I told Dr. Brian about that the next day at the follow up and he thought it was hilarious. So I'm going to leave you here. Coming up next: Part III, 'the recovery'

-Jew

The Never Ending Paddy

So I spent the weekend down in VA to see Radiohead with my baby bro (his high school grad gift from me to him!) I have to blog about that later this week because it was clearly REDICU-FUCKING-LOUS.

When I returned to NYC last night I passed out ASAP in my super comfy bed all snuggled up with my big blankets. Next thing I know my cell is going off, half asleep, I grabbed it only to see "Paddy" light up. I've been avoiding him like crazy... for almost a month, since we last hung out. So I did what I had to do and hit the "FU" button and sent him straight to voice mail.

I didn't even think about the call much all day, I've been distracted flirting with my co-worker and what not so I was surprised when he called me again on my way home from work, obvs I didn't answer but after a 2nd voice mail in 24 hours I felt the need to call him back.

"Long time no talk, how you doing?"
"Driving home from work, exhausted."
"You are a slave to your job"
"Pretty much."
"So what you up to later"
"Going home to cook some dinner"
"That's too bad because I wanted to take you out to dinner."

UMMMMMM WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK! Is he serious?!?! Did he forget he has a girlfriend?!?! Does he think this is the Sopranos and I'm some Russian Chick with one leg?!?!

Ugh. I told him I'd call him back when I got home and immediately called Jew.

"Shit. I don't even know what to tell you. I mean maybe you need the closure of a good dinner"
"UMMM. This isn't about dinner, he wants to bang, dinner is just the front."
"Right, but you could just get the meal."
"For the first time in two years I don't even wanna sleep with him."
"Wow."
"Yea I gotta like blog about this and get the opinion of strangers before I see this mofo."
"Totes, like what would Rott or Vittoria think?!?"
"Exactly"

But from here, I can honestly say I think I'm getting over it. Paddy has a hold on me, and for the first time in a long time he's realizing he's losing grip. Sucks to be him, espech since we did have 2 years of incredible sex.

So, I called him back and told him I'd take a rain check on that meal. A rain check I probs won't use until I get super smashed an horny.

Cheers,
Irish

LASIK Post. Finally! PART I

Hey sorry I've been busy blah blah blah, whatevs. Let's get to the show! What i like to think of as my Pink Eye Laser Light Show! (see what i did there? yea.)

Anyhoo, i had been considering Lasik for awhile, mostly because of the time Irish and i almost missed out on what (could have been) two guys having sex across the way from our apartment. I just got sick and tired of missing all the good things life has to offer! Here's the thing, i had learned to exist in this 5 foot bubble around myself that i could see, and just learned tricks to deal with the fact that i couldn't see past it. I wouldn't have called myself blind- just really really blurry. Like an unfocused picture. When i walk down the hallways at work i had to give every single person a shit eating grin because it was possible that i knew them! This made me a lot of friends actually, but it was tiring. I took to staring at the ground until the last second that that person was in front of me and then looking up to see if i knew them. This goes double out on the street, i couldn't read the street signs, or enjoy the architecture. I hadn't seen a the individual leaves on a tree in what felt like forever! But what really pushed me over the (razor) edge was this little anecdote:

One day i was uncharacteristically wearing my glasses (i NEVER wear them, they're so scratched cause i just keep em lose in my purse like an idiot) at the Starbucks down the street from my apartment. I ordered my coffee and was zoning out staring at the guy making it at the other end of the store, usually this would be far enough away from me so that i could see the figure of the guy, but his face would be so blurry i wouldn't have been able to tell what kind of expression he was making. My zoned out face is kinda bitchy, you may have guessed. So I'm just staring at the dude, and then someone said something funny, i don't really know what, and he looked at me and gave a cute shoulder shrug- and kind of wiggled his eyebrows in a funny gesture. Now, because i was wearing my glasses i smiled back, and made a face back at him, all was well. But it got me thinking: How many times has something like that happened (not just in the Starbucks, but at a party or something) where someone has smiled at me, or gestured or whatever, and i just STARED AT THEM with my BITCHFACE?! This may not matter to some of you, but i have this crippling disorder where i have an aching need for everyone to like me, or at least have a good impression of me, it's called not being a sociopath. The idea that i was possibly (probably) being misunderstood on a daily basis was just too much! I began looking for surgeons.

I was asking around and came up with a few places to go for free consultations. The first place was Manhattan Lasik, and that did NOT go well. Then i went to Dr. Brian Bonnani (affectionately referred to in my apartment as Dr. Brian Boitano), with my mom and we were both so impressed with the office, the staff, and the Doctor himself, that we decided that this was the place. So i made the appointment for a week from that day, and all that was left was to wait!!

PART II, "the waiting room" is next :)

Happy Friday!

I'm not dead, but just having sort of a bad week like Irish said :) Forgive me!

Anyhoo- Happy Friday!!!! I'm not even going to explain this one just yet cause I'm busy at work. It's probably funnier that way anyways :)




Love, Jewey

PS today's post is totes brought to you by the combined brain power of me and Brooklyn Gal ;)

Small World Shit Never Gets Old

Um, I dunno I think Jew is having a bad week?! We haven't really chatted more then a few IMs here and there. I told her that her BFF Mike (who just moved to my hood) is taking me out on a date next week. Waaaait, is that a date?! I don't date.

But on the upside, in just 20 or so days... WE WILL BE NEIGHBORS!! God I can't wait to be just a few blocks from Jew and her amazing turkey meatloaf, lazy sundays watching L&O marathons and of course access to her summer wardrobe!

So back to the point of this post... a little bit of a blogger run in if you will. As you may or may not have read in the previous post, I spent last weekend down in VA at the Gold Cup. While I was drunkenly chatting with strangers I started chatting with this dude the usual where you from where'd you go to school crap. When he told me that his friend's (who had just moments earlier been standing near by) father headed up contracting or something like that (I was drunk) at the NY schools.

So the second I see the dude, I grab him for questioning... he was all like "woah how do you know who my father is" and what have you. I don't remember much... He was from Michigan? I think there may have been aviators involved ? And he had ridiculously cool strawberry blond hair! And as it turns out... he's a reader of this blog?!?!?!

I made this dude call his father (wasted) to see if he had worked on a huge new building at my alma mater... at the time it totally made sense. But because of this random instance he was able to put two and two together from my post (maybe?) to question that maybe just maybe he had met me in VA. Yea pretty effin weird. So congrats Dignity Lost on discovering one tall redheaded Irish gal. Maybe next time I won't be so smashed.

Things like this kinda freak me out... people actually read this blog?!?! People I pass on the streets every day may read this blog?! I get the same feeling in my brain when I try to think about outter space. Wooooah. Too much.

Well with that Happy Friggin Friday. It is 7:52 am. I'm hungover. I'm still in my bed. I must leave for work by 8:00 because it is raining. I hope my make-up from last night looks hot. Wish me luck.

Cheers,
Irish