“Speechless #360 - Santa Claus”
 

"Well, the list was done by the deadline, but my agent says if I check it even once, it’s crossing the line."
 

"I’ll give you animation and reality, I get to keep cookies and milk."
 
“Well, technically I’m a teamster.”
 
“Next year in Jerusalem.”

Sixty years later and I have yet to see dollar one in Miracle on 34th Street residuals!

AND THE REST OF THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY:

"Now Meyer, now Moonves, now Iger, now Chernin!
On Grey, on Sloan, Zucker and Lynton!
Back to the table, stop trying to stall,
Let’s make a deal now that benefits all!"
 
“Now, Counter! now, Chernin! now both of the Jeffreys!
On, Redstone! on, Murdoch! on, Iger and Leslie!
Jump to petty name-calling! To back channels and bribes!
To keep cash away! cash away! from union scribes!”
 
"Chernin’s chimney? Sure, it’s OK. Personally, I find platinum a bit cold."
 
“Thomas Nast made me what I am today, and all he got was a one-time payment from Harper’s.”
 
"Blank blank blank
blank blank blank
blank blank blank blank blank
blank blank blank blank blank blank
blank blank blank blank blank."
 
“You think I came up with ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ on my own?"
 
“You think I answer all those letters myself?”
 
“This looked better on paper.”
 
“This worked better on the page.”
 
"Jeff Zucker said I skewed too old. He replaced me with John Stamos."
 
"I’m really Tim Allen praying that the writer’s strike ends soon so rewrites can start on The Santa Clause 4: The Quickening."
 
"Jingle Bells
Santa shills…"
 
"Who did you think wrote ELF?"
 
"I got in the guild with my excellent punch-up on FRED CLAUS."
 
“LINE!…”
 
"Can we get the three wise men involved in this thing?"

“Those ignorant writers will never know there’s a studio exec under this beard… or that my belly is padded with force majeure documents. Ho, ho, ho!”
 
“The movie fans pout
The TV viewers cry
The Guild will shout
and the producers will know why
Santa Claus is coming to town!”
 
"You better not write,
You better not scab,
You better not gripe,
And I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is walking the line."
 
“Will ho for food.”
 
“No Dough, No Ho!”
 
"Sorry AMPTP… I’m not that kinda Ho…"
 
"HO, HO, HOw about some residuals?"
 
“Support the Writers…we’re getting ho-ho-hosed!”
 
“$Ho $Ho $Ho us writers the money, AMPTP. I have PLENTY of coal…”
 
"Oddly enough, my list had three categories this year: 'Naughty', 'Nice', and 'Total Dicks'."
 
"What do you mean I’m not being compensated with cookies and milk for Christmas gifts ordered over the internet?!"
 
"No Christmas until the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are part of the Guild, too!"
 
"FU FU FU (From St. Nick C.)"
 
"That 'Counter' guy really screwed up the name 'Nick'.”
 
"My name is Nicholas Counter and I’m auditioning for my next gig."
 
"If this gig doesn’t work out I can always go back to playing for ZZ Top."
 
“This is Moonves to headquarters. Am behind enemy lines. Repeat: the fat man has landed.”
 
"Les Moonves makes more than me."
 
"Les re-cast me after the pilot."
 
“I knew giving Rupert and Sumner all those lumps of coal would have repercussions.”
 
“If they didn’t like the pencils, just wait until the lumps of coal arrive.”
 
"Santa’s had to make so much coal for the WGA and AMPTP…my elves all died of black lung disease. Merry F*ing Christmas!"
 
"All I want for Christmas is 8¢ please!"
 
"Would you settle for .3 percent of a piece of coal?"
 
"I demand 2.5% of Internet delivery of toys!"
 
"I get $250 regardless of how many homes I deliver to. Unless it’s an appearance at the mall. That’s considered promotional… for that, I get squat!"
 
“Remember AMPTP, I know who’s been bad. Very, very bad.”
 
"Blitzen went Fi-Core, that bastard!"
 
“Ho-Ho-Ho! I’m visiting the writers while the Ghosts of Xmas Past, Present, and Future, are visiting the AMPTP.”
 
"Mrs. Claus isn’t the only one screwing me this year."
 
"Hey, Conan, want to compare strike beards?"
 
“I have toys in my pockets, they have tricks up their sleeves.”
 
“I’m just here to meet Tina Fey.”
 
"Is that Billy Bob Thorn..? Nope, it’s just another Bad Santa wannabe."
 
“I was just an elf when this strike started...”
 
"I was hoping that if I held this sign I wouldn’t be considered below the line."
 
"See where I’m pointing? You’d think I’d be a stress eater, but I’ve actually gone DOWN 2 belt notches since November 5th."
 
“…and so I told him, sweetheart, just because there’s still a strike, it doesn’t mean there really isn’t a Bryan Lourd.”
 
“Don’t make me come back here in June. I don’t do Crocs or shorts.”
 
“Hey, Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho, Ho! Scabs like Carson get a lump of coal!”
 
"What the…? Didn’t everybody else get the email saying today is 'Dress as Santa Day'.
I guess tomorrow’s 'Wet T-Shirt' day was a joke too. God, I hate writers with too much time…"
 
“Blitzen just sold his memoir! These guys here aren’t working. Maybe I can find someone who wants to adapt it on spec.”
 
"Five thousand out of shape writers still walking strong!"
 
"Which way to the David Milch lecture?"
 
“Guess which kids are getting the Chinese Toys?”
 
"Where in hell are the other suits?"
 
“Maybe you studio heads should re-wrap last year’s Christmas and Chanukah presents and see how the kids like reruns.”
 
"Where’s that babe that’s going around groping Santas when you really need her…"
 
"Yeah, I got the reindeer picketing Fox, the elves over at Disney and I sent Rudolph over to Misfit Island to have a sitdown with Nick Counter and the AMPTP…"
 
"If you didn’t get what you wanted, blame Nick Counter… He grounded my sleigh, raided my sack and force majeured my reindeer."
 
"I invited the AMPTP negotiators to Christmas dinner, but they walked away from the table… and took the all the pie with them."
 
"What are the chances DHD caught me on the picket line again!?"
 
“Do you think Nikki Finke will make this into a photo caption contest or do I have to give a more ironic pose?”
 
"Yeah, Gavin Palone sent me here to spy on the writers and to get his name into Nikki Finke’s caption contest…"
 
"Merry Hollywood!! You are so addicted to Nikki Finke. It’s Christmas Day and you’re looking for updates??!! Go eat some turkey, play with your kids, kiss your spouse… then check back tomorrow for some more Ho, Ho, Hope!"
 
"Yeah, Verrone said he’d put on a diaper (and be the New Year’s Baby), Carlton Cuse has dibs on the Groundhog (with the WGA shadowing him), Greg Daniels said he’d be St. Pat (and drive the snakes out of Hollywood), Shonda Rhimes is down for the Easter Bunny (and any offspring)… Everyone else will be busy working for Nikki Finke’s new internet network."
 
“You’re a scab if you fill in this white bubble above me. Even Nikki Finke wants us writers to work for free on her ad supported site!”
 
"Nikki Finke’s great! (did I win?)?

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good write."