#1 - Phrasal Verbs With Down

Do you ever have a funny feeling about someone and you can’t pin down why? You meet someone for the very first time and you mark them down as a bad person, an unreliable person, someone who will let you down.

Here and now, using lots and lots of phrasal verbs with down, I am going to knuckle down and examine these funny feelings.

Do you know what knuckle down means. Probably not. An ape, King Kong for example, walks on its feet and its knuckles. But that is not exactly knuckling down. Suppose you have an exam in a week’s time, an English exam, and you think, ‘I need to get down to some serious revision.’

And you really do get down to it. You drink lots of very strong coffee, you pour it down your throat, cup after cup, your body twitches, you can’t sleep, you can’t even lie down. All you want to do is read your English grammar book. Read it, read it, and read it again. You just can’t put it down. Now, that’s knuckling down. You get down to it, and you knuckle down.

Anyway, those funny feelings, what do they boil down to? It’s all in the eyes. When you get right down to it, everything you ever need to know about anyone is right there, in the eyes. The windows of the soul. You may want to write that down.

We all tend to get bogged down in detail. Some girls have long lists of what they want in a man. Some girls even jot it all down on paper in case they forget. How can you forget whether or not you like somebody? Suppose you put the list down somewhere and you lose it. And then you meet a man. Should you date him, yes or no? Can’t decide. You can’t find the list.

Some girls even carry little astrology charts with them. The first thing they ask a guy is ‘what’s you star sign?’ Then they hurry on down to the nearest bathroom, settle down on a toilet, get out their charts and look down the list.

‘Let’s see, I’m Gemini and he’s Taurus. Only three out of ten. So, I guess I don’t like him.’

Learning how to look into someone’s eyes helps you cut down on the work and the paperwork.

My first mistake with Lex was to compare him to the list. Tall, good looking, great dancer. Hmm, maybe I should settle down with him forever. Of course the list was much longer than that. That is the cut down version. I don’t want you to know all my secrets. But even so it was stupid, stupid, stupid.

Also I had my astrology chart. I’m Gemini and he was a Leo. A match made in heaven the chart said. Put it down to stupidity, or desperation if you like, but I was convinced. The list and the star signs, he matched both. You could have blown me down with a feather. I told myself to calm down, cool down. But how can you stay cool when you think you’ve just found your soul mate?

Have you ever done something so stupid you think you’ll never live it down? I mean, in public, with lots of people watching? That night I got really, really drunk. I like to dance, I like to go to clubs, but I really don’t drink much. I usually water down my drinks, even the wine. I take a bottle of water with me, I drink half a glass of wine and then I refill the glass with water. It’s much cheaper than buying lots of wine and it stops me from getting really drunk and falling down.

I just hate how I feel the next day; hung over, headache, really tired, run down. And after that night with Lex I felt as though I had been run down, by a truck.

Anyway, once I got out of the toilet I ran back down the hallway to find Lex, the love of my life. And I did find him, dancing with another girl. I went weak at the knees, I had to sit down on the floor. My best friend Marie sat down beside me and handed me a bottle of wine. A full bottle. I drank it straight down as though it were water.

I tried to stand but the room was swaying. I fell down on my hands and knees and I crawled towards Lex.

‘Get away from him,’ I kept shouting at the girl, ‘he’s mine, he’s mine, he’s mine.’

Lex looked down on me and I looked up at him. Our eyes met. His mouth was serious, but his eyes were laughing.

All I needed to know was there in that single glance. He looked down on me, he had no respect. True I was down on my hands and knees and my face had turned green, but when you get right down to it, no respect, no relationship.

Have you got all that down? I hope so.

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#2 - Phrasal Verbs With To, Into

Now it’s time for phrasal verbs with to and into. I bet you’ve been looking forward to this one.

Does it ever occur to you that you spend most of your life doing things you don’t want to do? Of course almost nobody wants to go to work. If you didn’t have to would you learn English? If you didn’t have to would you cook? Would you shop? Would you clean the bathroom?

If you were to come into a large amount of money would you do any of the things you do now? Would you live in the same city? The same country? Would you still eat kebabs?

When you get right down to it most people almost never get to do what they really want. Why is this? Is someone forcing you to do a lot of boring, stressful things? Does a really mean, nasty person have a gun to your head?

My ex-boyfriend Lex, for example, was, and is, an accountant. I’m sure if I looked into it I would find a few happy accountants. But Lex was not a happy accountant. His boss laid into him every day. Lex’s boss was called Rupert and I would say, if you are a parent and you name your child Rupert (a very silly name), you cannot expect things to turn out well for the child.

At school they called him ‘Rupert the bear’ after the cartoon character. Rupert hated being called ‘Rupert the bear.’ As a result he turned into a difficult teenager (spots, attitude, no girlfriend, maybe drugs) and a very unpleasant adult.

Lex, I guess, was not a very good accountant. He couldn’t add up or subtract, not even with a computer. And Rupert saw to it that Lex was punished for being a bad accountant. He yelled at Lex. He made Lex work late. Of course Lex could have faced up to Rupert, he could have squared up to Rupert and punched him. He could even have called him Rupert the bear or hummed the Rupert the bear tune.

‘I don’t want to get drawn into a big fight,’ Lex used to tell me, ‘I just don’t feel up to it.’ He talked about looking for another job but somehow he never got around to it.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, ‘what about Ellie? Will she ever get around to telling us if she likes teaching English. Maybe she hates teaching English. But will she fess up to it?’

Fess up to is a particularly strange phrasal verb. It’s slang, I guess, and I guess it comes from the verb ‘to confess.’ It means the same thing.

How do you deal with your boss? Are you a ‘yes person?’ Do you do everything the boss says without question? Do you play up to your boss and hope he will promote you?

If you play up to someone you agree with them all the time, you laugh at all their weak jokes, you tell them all their ideas are amazing. This is also called sucking up to or ‘brown nosing.’ Can you think why ‘brown nosing’ means the same as playing up to or sucking up to? Obviously you have a brown nose. But how does it get to be brown?

One of the great things about being a freelance English teacher is that I don’t have a boss. There’s no one to suck up to. Bosses sometimes think they are better than everyone else. The talk down to their employees. They treat them like idiots.

I don’t buy into that. In fact I hate it. Anybody who talks down to me is getting into big trouble. For example, if I were a very boring account who could not add up or subtract, not even with a computer, and a person called Rupert the bear were to shout at me, in public, and say, ‘get into my office right now,’ I would stick it to him. I would absolutely stick it to him.

I’d say, ‘you can take your job and shove it right up your ass Rupert the bear.’

I have never had an office job. I just don’t think I’d take to it. I don’t think I’d fit into the office way of life. Nine to five, coffee at eleven, chicken sandwich for lunch.

And I’d have a boss. ‘Ellie, we’ve run out of tea bags, be a good girl and run out to the shop and get some would you?’

I think I probably would run out. I’d run out and never come back.

So that’s why I’m an English teacher. Do I enjoy teaching English? Of course I do. I love and adore each and every one of my students. I love you all.

Do you think I mean it? Or am I brown nosing?

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#3 - Phrasal Verbs With In, Out

Listen and learn and the phrasal verb will become your friend, your best friend, your very, very best friend, your lover.

Yes you may fall in love with phrasal verbs. You may learn to love the phrasal verb so much that you fall out with your girlfriend, or boyfriend or who knows, both.

Do you like to go out? Maybe you like to eat out. And maybe your partner likes to stay in, maybe your partner likes to stay home and eat in. So you argue a lot. You say, ‘darling, let’s go out tonight and take in a movie.’ Your darling replies, ‘I’m tired, why don’t we stay in, chill out and watch some TV?’

Here’s an example of what can happen.

The guy has had a very, very, bad day at the office. His boss yelled at him. He’s tense and angry. He wants to take it out on someone. So when he says ‘lets go out,’ and she replies, ‘we’re staying in,’ he has the perfect excuse to act out his frustrations.

‘We always stay in,’ he says, loudly. Then he shouts and stamps his feet. ‘Staying in is boring, we need to get out more.’

Of course, the girl has also had a difficult day. Maybe she’s an English teacher and after six hours teaching accountants she’s also tense and frustrated and is grateful for the opportunity to take out her frustrations on her guy.

‘I am not boring,’ she says, ‘get out of my apartment.’

‘This is my apartment,’ the guy replies.

The girl knows he’s right. So she throws something at him, a vase or a plate, can’t quite remember which it was. Then she walks out on him, actually she storms out of the room and locks herself in the bathroom.

Of course, when she locks herself in the bathroom she also locks her boyfriend out.

So what can he do? Well, he can play it cool, sit it out, chill out in front of the TV. But he knows how stubborn his girlfriend can be. He knows she could stay in that bathroom all night. And he knows he only has one bathroom.

He thinks about turning on the TV and tuning in to the girl’s favorite soap opera, the one she wants to stay in and watch. He thinks, she’ll be in the bathroom listening in, and she’ll just have to come out and watch. Then he realizes that will mean she’s won out. She’ll have her boring evening in, in front of the TV.

‘I won’t give in,’ he tells himself.

Then he thinks, ‘I could threaten to jump out of the window. If I shout out, “darling, if you don’t come out of the bathroom immediately I will jump out of the window,”’ she’ll have to open the door.

So he goes to the window, opens it and looks out. It turns out the apartment is on the ground floor.

He stares out of the window for a while, wondering what to do. Life is so stressful. Wouldn’t it be great if he could drop out, live out his life in a hippy commune, in the peace and quiet of the countryside, grow vegetables and marijuana, and never worry about eating in or eating out again.

Of course most hippies didn’t actually drop out. They went to rock festivals like Woodstock, drank lots of beer, had lots of sex, took lots of drugs and then dropped back in. Most of them became computer programmers. They turned out to be very conventional people indeed.

Anyway, the girl is still sitting in the bathroom, on the toilet. She doesn’t want to stay in the bathroom all night but ...

Do you know the saying, to let the cat out of the bag? If you let the cat out of the bag, you reveal a secret. Some girls who may be listening to this will be quite upset, quite put out, if I let this cat out of the bag but sometimes we girls like to make the guys suffer.

Even though the girl could simply let herself out of the bathroom and watch TV, she doesn’t. She stays in the bathroom for another four hours.

The guy drinks way too much coffee. He can’t hold out much longer. He could break in but then he’ll have to pay out to fix the door. Then, check this out, a brilliant idea jumps into his head. He begins to cry.

He sobs loudly, he lets everything out, his anger, his frustration. He wails and screams. It’s pathetic really, but it works. The girl feels guilty. She opens the door and lets the guy into the bathroom.

You see, although we girls like to take out our frustrations on our guys we let the guys play on our feelings. I mean in this particular case the guy could have gone outside in the bushes and let all that coffee out. It was late and dark and nobody was out and about.

But I didn’t think of that. No, I heard my Lex cry out in pain and I gave in instantly.

That time Lex won out, but in the end he lost out, because Lex is now my ex. My ex-boyfriend.

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#4 - Phrasal Verbs With On, Off

It’s time for more of those horrible, frightening, phrasal verbs. Do not doze off, do not nod off, do not switch off, and definitely do not turn on the TV. No, sit on the sofa, turn off the music, and listen very carefully. Phrasal verbs can be fun as well as frightening, especially phrasal verbs with off and on.

Have you ever been ripped off? I’ll bet you have. I once gave five euros to a homeless man. He said he needed to buy a new pair of underpants. Thirty minutes later I saw him go into an apartment block. Quite a nice apartment block actually. And he was carrying four cans of very strong beer. So he wasn’t homeless at all and he hadn’t bought underpants. He’d stolen my money. He ripped me off.

Have you ever been in an on and off relationship? I’ll bet you have. You know you have and on and off relationship when one week someone really turns you on, the next week they turn you off, then the next week they turn you on again, then the next week … well, well, you get the idea. On and off, hot and cold and so on.

Usually in an on and off relationship the guy says the girl is leading him on. One minute she’s really friendly, smiling, flirting, touching just a little, maybe even kissing. And then suddenly, every time he calls she’s washing her hair. He calls at nine in the morning or eleven in the evening, it doesn’t matter. She’s washing her hair. It just is not possible for a girl to wash her hair and meet a guy all in the same day.

Then the guy calls again. One last time. And guess what, she’s really pleased he called. She tells him, ‘you really turn me on.’ The guy smiles but he’s thinking, ‘is she leading me on.’

This is how my relationship with Lex began.

Of course, sometimes you meet someone and you hit it off first time. You get on so well with each other. Or you seem to. Then something happens and it puts you off. It really, really puts you off.

For our second date Lex and I went to an Italian restaurant. My very favorite Italian restaurant with the best spaghetti in the whole world. Also the waiters are very good looking. And Lex, I should say was also very good looking until he stuck his finger up his nose. That really put me off him.

I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to say Lex, ‘you are disgusting, get your finger out of your nose immediately.’ But I didn’t. I carried on eating my spaghetti and ignored him. And I thought about my hair, about how much it needed washing.

So you see, I wasn’t leading him on. He had put me off and because I’m polite I didn’t want to tell him he was disgusting. So every time he called I said I was washing my hair.

Now, I know exactly what you are thinking. You’ve learned a few new phrasal verbs and you are thinking, ‘if Lex was such a turn off, why did Ellie carry on seeing him?’

I forgave him. I let him off. I gave him a second chance. Anyway, I think I’ve gone on about Lex for long enough.

Do you ever get the feeling, someone is having you on? When the homeless man, who wasn’t really homeless, said he needed five euros top buy a pair of underpants, he was lying, he wasn’t telling me the truth, he was tricking me, he was having me on.

And I believed him. It was difficult though. I couldn’t really say, ‘take off your trousers and show me. Prove you need new underpants.’ He was scruffy, badly dressed, smelly, dirty hair, black fingernails. I’ll bet his underpants were really off-putting.

So I didn’t realize he was trying it on. If you try something on you … well, you could try on a new pair of underpants to see if they fit. Of course you would have to do this in a changing room. But you can try it on anywhere. It means you are trying to trick somebody. And it is not nice. Not at all.

I’ll finish off by saying, remember, a homeless person will ask you for money, or food or cigarettes, but a homeless person will never ask you for underpants. Never, never, never. Believe me if you are homeless underpants are not a priority.

So learn from my mistake and don’t let yourself be ripped off.

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#5 - Phrasal Verbs With Up

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and think, ‘Oh no, I have an English lesson tomorrow and I have a test, a phrasal verbs test?’ Of course you haven’t prepared for the test. You’ll fail badly. You may as well give up now.

I’m here to tell you, never, never, never give up. Cheer up, put a smile on your face, be happy, loosen up and listen to more fun phrasal verbs with up.

Are you good at meeting new people? Are you a sociable person? Or do you clam up, just can’t think of anything to say? Girls, you’re at a party and a cute guy eyes you up. You know, looks you up and down, maybe winks at you. What do you do?

Of course you don’t want to get his hopes up, not right away. But maybe you think, I’d like to hook up with him sometime. So you smile, just a little smile, and you think up something to say to him, something like, ‘what are you up to next week.’

The cute guy sees you smile, so he comes up to you and says, ‘what’s up?’

Let me tell you guys, ‘what’s up’ is a very, very bad chat up line. It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s like asking, ‘what’s happening?’ How do you answer that? If you want to chat up a girl at a party you have to think up something more interesting to say than ‘what’s up.’

I met Lex at a party. His opening line was, ‘I just broke up with my girlfriend.’ This is not great either, it’s depressing, but it’s better, much better, than ‘what’s up.’ So I said, ‘oh really, why did you split up with her? Was she having an affair?’

Lex said, ‘are you psychic or something?’

‘No,’ I said, ‘but in my experience, most people split up because one of them is knocking up someone else.’

Knock up is a bit crude. It’s not really, really bad language but it’s also not polite. Can you guess what it means? If not please write to me and I’ll write up a full explanation and send it to you.

Lex’s ex-girlfriend was called Leonora. She knocked up her English teacher and now she’s shacked up with him. She lives with her English teacher. Can you believe it?

Of course I have never hooked up with one of my students. I don’t want to mess up the teacher pupil relationship. It’s bad for business. Also I think a student should look up to his English teacher. He should treat her with respect. He should not think about knocking her up. I just won’t put up with it, no I won't, not for one moment.

Okay, I just wanted to clear that up. Where was I up to?

Sometimes, you know, I think I may be a little bit psychic. For example, I once had a dream I was up in the sky, high up and floating. But I wasn’t alone, no, I was teaching English. The very next morning, I got up and read my email. And guess what? I had an email from a man who wanted to learn English in a hot air balloon.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Ellie is crazy, the things she gets up to. How can you teach English in a hot air balloon?’ Let me tell you, a hot air balloon is quiet. There are no interruptions. A hot air balloon is a very good place to teach English as long as a storm doesn’t blow up.

No, the problem was not the hot air balloon. The problem was the student, Sergio. He always showed up late. Late, late, late. Always late. And he never paid on time. Never. He did pay up in the end. But always late. Lateness and not paying on time are two things an English teacher should not put up with. Definitely not.

So I told Sergio, ‘your English lessons are at an end. I will never teach you again.’ He fell to his knees and begged, ‘please,’ he said, ‘I will make it up to you. I will never show up late again. I will pay up on time. Please, please, please. You, Ellie, are the world’s greatest English teacher.’

Now, I probably am the world’s greatest English teacher but I do not like it when a student sucks up to me. It’s embarrassing. Don’t you just hate it? When someone tells you are wonderful because they want something? That is sucking up and sucking up sucks. Big time.

Never suck up to anybody. Always stand up for yourself and you’ll be just fine. Nothing will ever frighten you again. Not even a phrasal verb.

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#6 - Modal Verbs would, should, could, ought to

And now it’s time for those miraculous modal verbs, would, should, could and ought to.

Not many people know this but modal verbs were invented to make us feel guilty.

I ought to work harder but I’m too lazy. If I weren’t so damn mean I would give more money to homeless people. I could visit my grandmother more often but I’m just too damn selfish. I should eat less chocolate ice cream but I’m too weak and greedy and anyway I don’t care if I become fat and spotty.

See what I mean? Modal verbs tell us that we are bad people. Bad, bad, bad, very bad indeed. Of course most English grammar books will not tell you this. They’ll tell you modal verbs express intention but I know (and so do you) that they are all about guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt.

Of course, I shouldn’t be telling you this. I ought to tell you English is a nice language. I could lie to you but what the hell, I don’t care. Why should I?

Have you heard of the Freemasons? They are a secret society everybody knows about. They have a secret handshake and lots of secret rules and ceremonies which are not really secret because you can read all about them on the internet.

Did you know there is a secret society of English teachers? Of course not, how could you, it’s secret, very secret. It’s called SPOD, which is short for Speak English Or Die. SPOD would like to get rid of every language on the planet apart from English. If they could they would force everybody to speak English all the time.

If SPOD ruled here’s how it would be. Let’s say you are a Spanish person and you live in Madrid. You are out one evening with friends, or people you think are your friends. You are in a bar. Everybody, not just the drunken American backpackers, is speaking English. On the wall is a sign; ‘Only English spoken in this establishment.’

You’ve had a few beers. You know you shouldn’t but you lean over to your best friend who you’ve known your whole life and say you’d like another … cerveza. Your best friend says, ‘Yeah, sure, I’ll get you another … beer.’ Your friend talks to one of the waiters. The next thing you know two very big guys grab you and throw you out onto the street.

That is how it would be if SPOD were in charge. You could be fined for using incorrect phrasal verbs in a public place. That could get very expensive. If you were heard making five phrasal verb mistakes in the same day you could lose your driving license. People with really bad grammar could go to prison.

There are some SPOD members, the extremists, who would impose the death penalty for incorrect use of the past perfect continuous and other compound tenses.

These are very, very bad people. They ought to be stopped. But how? They have friends in high places; governments, police forces, the army, the CIA, the BBC.

Not long after I began teaching English I was approached by two members of SPOD. I wouldn’t normally talk to two strange men in a bar, particularly not two very big men wearing dark suits and dark glasses. I should have walked away. In fact I tried to walk away but they grabbed me and held me down on the floor.

One of them whispered into my ear, ‘if a student were to ask you, how would you spell definitely?’ Did you know ‘definitely’ is one of the most frequently misspelled words in the English language. A lot of people spell it ‘definately’ which is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I spelled it out, correctly of course. Then the other man pushed a card into my pocket, ‘we’d like to hear from you,’ he said, ‘call the number if you know what’s good for you.’

But how could I call them? SPOD, the language Nazis. They are scary. They beat up English teachers who can’t spell ‘definitely’. They even trash their apartments and get them fired from their jobs.

So you should know being an English teacher can be dangerous. A misspelled word could put you in hospital. There are times when I think I should give up teaching. Maybe do a less dangerous job, become a fire fighter maybe.

And then I think of you, my students. What would you do without me, Ellie the world’s greatest and most fearless English teacher.

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#7 - Modal Verbs may, might

The modal verbs may and might were invented for two reasons.

Reason number one; to annoy people. ‘May I ask you a question?’ This is very annoying. You could answer, ‘no, you may not ask me a question,’ but this would be rude. You have to answer ‘yes, please do ask me a question. I’d just love to answer it.’

If someone starts a question with ‘may I,’ you have to agree to whatever they want. It’s a trap. For example, you are in a café drinking coffee with your best friend. You’re talking about something very private. Maybe you’re both cheating on your boyfriends. One seat at your table is free. A big fat man who smells of tobacco approaches the table. ‘May I sit here,’ he says. You could say, ‘no, go and sit somewhere else,’ but you’ll probably say, ‘sure, go ahead.’ You’ll probably also try to smile. It’s really, really annoying.

May and might were also invented to help us avoid people and situations we don’t like. A guy is in a restaurant eating lunch. He sees a pretty girl sitting alone. He goes up to her and says, ‘may I join you.’ Of course the pretty girl has to say, ‘yes, please do join me,’ because she doesn’t want to be rude. So the guy sits down opposite the girl.

Thirty minutes later lunch is finished. The guy says, ‘may I pay for your lunch.’ The girl says , ‘sure, go ahead.’ Then the guy says, ‘will you be here tomorrow?’ The girl says, ‘I might be,’ or ‘I may be,’ or maybe just, ‘maybe.’

Now, many English teachers will tell you that ‘may’ and ‘might’ express probability. Many English teachers will tell you, when someone says, ‘I might be here tomorrow,’ it means, ‘it is possible I will be here tomorrow,’ or even ‘I will probably be here tomorrow.’

However, guys, let me tell you, when the pretty girl in the restaurant says, ‘I might be here tomorrow,’ it means, ‘I won’t be here tomorrow.’ There is no chance at all, absolutely none, that she will meet you.

You’ve paid the bill, she doesn’t want to be rude but she doesn’t like you. And anyway, she probably already has a boyfriend. She may even have three boyfriends.

Another example. You are moving to a new apartment at the weekend. You ask your very best friend in the whole world if she’ll help you. She says, ‘if I can, but I might have to visit my mother.’ Probability? Possibility? There is no chance at all, none, that your best friend will help you move to your new apartment.

And she didn’t. No, Marie does not like carrying boxes. And yes, she does have three boyfriends so the guy in the restaurant had no chance. Marie is very polite. She uses may and might all the time and she usually means ‘no’.

Teaching English might seem like an easy job, but let me tell you it isn’t. Some English teachers go completely crazy. I used to dream about the fat guy who smelt of tobacco. I was in the café with Marie. She was telling me about the cute guy she met in a restaurant.

‘Of course,’ Marie says, ‘I let him pay, but I already have three boyfriends, so I told him I might meet him again.’

Then the fat guy appears, ‘may I sit here,’ he says. ‘No you may not,’ I reply, ‘go sit somewhere else.’ The fat man pulls out a gun and points it at my head. I wake up sweating.

Later I was told I was suffering from EGS (English Grammar Syndrome). A lot of English teachers suffer from EGS. They spend too much time thinking about English grammar and they go crazy. Totally whacko.

So remember, the next time you ask a question about modal verbs, you may be driving your English teacher crazy. If she laughs and laughs and laughs or pours a bottle of water over your head, she may be suffering from EGS.

If you think your English teacher might be suffering from EGS you should contact ETA. No, no, no I do not mean the Basque terrorist group, I mean English Teachers Anonymous. It’s an organization that helps crazy English teachers.

I have to admit I’ve been to a couple of ETA meetings. I had to stand in front of the group and say, ‘I’m Ellie and I’m an English teacher and I suffer from EGS.’ Everybody shouts, ‘Hello Ellie,’ and then they clap. It’s really very strange.

Still, I have to say, I did feel better after telling the group about my dream. Everybody listened very carefully. Some of them were crying.

Afterwards a very thin, old woman with gray hair and crazy eyes grabbed my arm.

‘I was your age when I first got EGS,’ she said, ‘you may need six months to recover,’ she said, ‘you may need six years. You may never recover. Never.’ Then she laughed and laughed and laughed.

Teaching English can be dangerous. You could lose your mind or you could lose your life. But I won’t let that stop me. I am Ellie and I am an English teacher, the world’s greatest English teacher.

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#8 - Modal Verbs can, must, have to

Can, can’t, to be able, must, have to. These modal verbs tell us what the rules are.

During an English lesson you must keep your trousers on at all times, especially during my English lesson. Only one student of mine has ever taken his trousers off in class. It was not a pretty sight, not at all.

You cannot sing in an art gallery. Of course there is no law that says you cannot sing in an art gallery. But have you ever heard anyone do it? Try it sometime. See how everyone reacts. You’ll be thrown out for sure.

My ex-boyfriend Lex liked to sing. His favorite song was ‘The Sound Of Music.’ You must have heard of it. Remember Julie Andrews? ‘The Sound Of Music’ has to be sung very loud. It’s a rule.

Lex was thrown out of lots of places for singing; the bank, several cafes, his local bread shop, Starbucks. There is rule; you can’t sing in a public place. If you do most people think you either want money or you are insane, crazy, mad, totally whacko.

Of course you can hum to yourself. Humming quietly is allowed. You can sing at home in the shower, or while you are ironing. Singing is fine as long as nobody can hear you.

There is another rule. You must not smile at strangers. You can smile at people you know but not too much. If you smile too much your friends will think there’s something wrong with you.

My best friend Marie tells me I smile too much. She says I mustn’t smile at guys so much. They get the wrong idea. She also says I mustn’t smile at old people too much. It frightens them. And I mustn’t smile at her too much because it worries her. Also I mustn’t smile at children too much because it upsets the parents.

Then of course there are all the things we are not able to do. We are not able to fly which is a pity. Sometimes I’d like to be able to flap my wings and fly away. Other times I’d like to be able to eat three tubs of chocolate ice cream. But I can’t. It’s just too much, even for me.

The last time I felt like eating three tubs of ice cream was when Carlos took his trousers down in the middle of an English lesson. I was shocked. I thought, ‘this cannot be happening.’

Carlos is a nice boy and he wasn’t trying to scare me. He wanted to show me a tattoo he has on his left buttock. Apparently it’s an image of an angel and underneath it are the words, ‘I love Ellie.’ I say apparently because fortunately I didn’t actually see it. As soon as I saw his underpants I shouted, ‘stop Carlos. You cannot take your trousers down during an English lesson. And you certainly cannot take down your underpants. It’s a rule. Two rules actually.’

Supposing you were able to do whatever you wanted? What would you do? Would you run down the street naked and smiling, singing ‘The Sound Of Music?’

Suppose we changed the rules and said, ‘you can sing wherever and whenever you want and you can sing as loud as you want. Dancing is also allowed.’

Just imagine. It would be like living in a musical. It’s a wet winter’s day. You’re walking down the street. A man opens his umbrella. He begins to dance and sings, ‘I'm singing in the rain.’ Everybody in the street joins in. Would the world be a better place?

Of course, those people who are not able to sing or dance would feel left out. They might become resentful. They might attack the person who sang ‘singing in the rain.’ Too much singing could cause civil war.

Also, supposing you were waiting in a long line in a supermarket and the person behind you began to sing, very loudly, ‘don’t cry for me Argentina.’ Would that be annoying? It would be really annoying.

If you like you can write to me and tell about the songs that really annoy you. I’ll put a list on the website, ‘the world’s most hated songs,’ or ‘songs that should never be sung.’

Of course you don’t have to write to me about the songs you really hate. You could tell me about the silliest rule in your country. For example, in Germany, if you visit a friend you have to take cake with you. You absolutely have to. In France you have to kiss everyone you meet. In England you must not kiss anyone in public, not your wife or husband, not your mother and especially not your brother. In Australia, if you’re a guy, you have to slap your friend on the back every five minutes and call him ‘mate.’ Girls don’t have to do this.

Of course you don’t have to write to me at all. But if you would, or if you could, it would make me a very happy girl.

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#9 - Modal Verbs shall, have got to, had better

More mysterious modal verbs. Listen out for shall, have got to, and had better. Of course, strictly speaking, have got to and had better are not modal verbs, but what the hell. Let’s live dangerously.

Do you know the story of Cinderella? I just love it when the fairy Godmother says, ‘Cinderella you shall go to the ball.’ Almost nobody says shall anymore but ‘Cinderella you will go to the ball’ just doesn’t sound right. Shall is old fashioned but so am I.

Cinderella has two very mean stepsisters and a wicked stepmother. Wicked is like mean, but really, really mean. The two stepsisters are going to the prince’s ball. They tell Cinderella she has got to stay home and scrub the cellar floor.

A ball is a party for very, very rich people; you know, champagne, orchestra, ballroom dancing, really expensive outfits. A gentleman approaches a lady and says, ‘may I have the next dance please?’ The lady flutters her eyelashes, ‘yes sir, you may.’ The gentleman takes the lady by the arm and leads her to the dance floor.

This never happens at English teachers’ parties. Never. There is no dance floor and there is no orchestra. Also there are no gentleman.

Anyway, while Cinderella is scrubbing the cellar floor her fairy Godmother appears. She waves her magic wand and Cinderella’s rags become a beautiful white dress. And outside a carriage is waiting to take her to the prince’s ball.

I wish I had a fairy Godmother who would wave her magic wand and send me to the ball.

Remember though, at midnight the spell wears off, ‘you have got to be back by midnight,’ the fairy godmother tells Cinderella, ‘because at midnight your carriage turns into a pumpkin and your dress turns into rags.’

Most English teachers’ parties don’t start until midnight. Maybe that’s why they’re all wearing rags.

So what happens next? Shall I tell you?

Cinderella goes to the ball and dances with the prince. The two stepsisters watch Cinderella dance with the prince but they don’t recognize her. She’s just too beautiful.

Have you ever read a Superman comic? Lois Lane sees Clark Kent every day and she sees Superman quite often. Clark Kent wears glasses. Superman does not. That’s the only difference. You think, wait a minute, Lois has got to be able to see Clark and Superman are the same person. But she never does. Unbelievable. You have got to be kidding!

Anyway, I had better get back to Cinderella.

Of course the prince falls in love with Cinderella. Not only that, the prince is single, available and looking for a wife. Remember this is a fairy tale. But even in a fairy tale finding a prince is not so easy. Cinderella looks at the clock, it’s almost midnight, ‘oh no,’ she thinks, ‘I have got to be home by midnight, I had better be going.’ She runs away from her prince, but, fortunately, a shoe falls from her foot. And, guess what, the prince finds it.

The shoe is actually a glass slipper. Can you imagine that? A glass slipper has got to be really uncomfortable. How do you dance in a glass slipper? Supposing it breaks.

The next day, Cinderella is back in the cellar, scrubbing the floor, wearing rags. The prince arrives at the house. He’s got the glass slipper and he’s looking for the woman he danced with at the ball.

Both the really mean stepsisters try on the shoe. It doesn’t fit either of them. It doesn’t fit the wicked stepmother either. Cinderella comes upstairs to see what’s going on. Of course, as soon as the prince sees Cinderella he thinks, ‘this has got to be the same woman.’ Even though she’s wearing rags the prince recognizes Cinderella. This is more realistic than Superman.

The prince hands Cinderella the glass slipper, ‘you’d better try it on,’ he says. Of course the slipper fits perfectly. The prince says, ‘you have got to come away with me, marry me, be my wife.’

In real life, of course, a prince does not fall in love with a cleaning lady, no matter how pretty she is. A prince may have an affair with a cleaning lady, but he’d better not try to marry her. It would not be allowed.

Do you think a prince would be allowed to marry an English teacher? Shall I tell you what I think? It’s very unlikely. Very unlikely indeed.

If you do know about a prince who married an English teacher you have got to write and tell me about it.

And, even better, if you know a prince who’s looking for an English teacher you’d better write to me straight away and give me his email address.

Maybe this time the shoe will fit.

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#10 - Modal Verbs - a mixture!

Okay, this time we are playing spot the modal verb. I could tell you what to look out for. But that would be no fun at all. Would it? As you must know by now, Ellie’s English is all about having fun, fun, fun and even more fun.

I went to my ETA meeting last night. Yes, that’s English Teachers Anonymous and not the Basque terrorist group.

One of the teachers, Darlene, told the group that she can’t stop correcting her friends’ English. You see, even native English speakers make mistakes. I believe it is an English teacher’s duty to correct those mistakes. But Darlene sees it differently. She says a teacher should correct errors inside the classroom only. When she’s not working she wants to be ordinary, little Darlene. Not Darlene the English teacher.

Can you imagine me being ordinary little Ellie and not Ellie the world’s greatest English teacher. Hard to imagine, isn’t it?

Anyway, here’s what happened. Darlene was in a café waiting for a guy. I can’t say what her relationship to the guy is because I don’t know. They could be friends, just friends, or they may be having sex three times a day. I really don’t know.

Anyway, the guy, Jeremy, calls Darlene and says, ‘where are you, I am stood outside the café. I’ve been here for …’ Darlene didn’t let Jeremy get to the end of his sentence.

‘You are standing outside the café,’ she said, ‘you are not stood outside the café.’

Of course, I have to say, Darlene was absolutely correct, grammatically. Definitely. Unfortunately Jeremy didn’t care about the grammar.

‘Where are you?’ he said.

‘I am sitting inside the café,’ Darlene said, ‘ did you hear that? You are standing outside the café and I am sitting inside the café. Not, I am sat inside the café and you are stood outside. That is wrong, wrong, wrong.’

I agree, Darlene might have been more tactful. Jeremy was very annoyed. He came into the café and stood in front of Darlene’s table.

‘Would you mind telling me where I am now?’ he said. Jeremy is a graduate of Cambridge University so sometimes his sentences are quite complicated. I should say though, a graduate of one of England’s most famous universities should not make grammatical errors. He ought to know better.

‘You are standing in front of table,’ Darlene said.

By now the situation was very tense. It was made worse when a guy at the next table said, ‘She’s right. You are not stood in front of the table. Stood is wrong.’

‘Oh really, and who might you be?’ Jeremy asked.

‘My name is Pablo,’ the guy said, ‘I am learning English. My teacher is called Ellie. You may have heard of her. She is the world’s greatest English teacher.’

It’s true, Pablo is my student, and his English is pretty good. And he was, of course, absolutely right.

That may have been why Jeremy punched him on the nose. Unfortunately, Pablo is not just an English student, he’s also an amateur boxer. So he punched Jeremy back. In fact Pablo punched Jeremy several times.

Jeremy had to spend the night in hospital and Darlene felt it was all her fault.

‘I shouldn’t have corrected his grammar,’ she said.

I think Jeremy should pay more attention to his grammar. Of course nobody should be punched for making a mistake with their English but a Cambridge graduate ought to know better than to say, ‘I am stood.’

This is what I told Darlene.

Darlene says having to correct grammar outside class is like an illness. It’s like having to wash your hands every five minutes or having to tidy up all the time.

‘The world is not a perfect place,’ Darlene says, ‘we cannot expect to hear perfect English all the time. Not even from a graduate of Cambridge University.’

It’s a point of view. She may be right. But, for example, if someone said to you, ‘two plus two is five,’ what would you do? Would you think, sure that’s fine, he thinks two plus two is five. I don’t care. Or would you say, ‘excuse me, I might be wrong, but I believe two plus two is four.’

If mathematical errors can be corrected why can’t grammatical errors also be corrected?

If your best friend said to you, ‘Paris is the capital of the United States of America,’ what would you do? Would you nod and say nothing? I don’t think you would.

If geographical errors can be corrected why not grammatical errors also?

The fact is nobody likes to wrong. And everybody hates to be corrected. It would be nice, wouldn’t it, if everybody could be right all the time? But everybody can’t be right all the time.

That’s why we need teachers.

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