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Bigfoot Been
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1½ pound Sasquatch meat (cut up roast or stew meat – remove all the gross long hairs)
1 can cream of mushroom soup (best to open and actually pour it in)
1 pkg. dry onion soup mix (same as above)
2 soup cans of Coors or Sam Adams beer (pour in the Coors, drink the Sam Adams)

Put in crock pot on high. Start cutting up the following and add to crock pot.

1 cup fresh or canned tomatoes, diced (that’s the 3rd button on your wife’s blender thing)
6-8 small onions (I use 12 pearl onions without the cocktail stick things in them)
4-6 potatoes, (I use curly fries myself)
2-3 stalks of celery, cut up to bite size (and then throw them down the garbage disposal, who the hell tastes celery anyway)
2-3 carrots, cut up to bite size (I hate carrots so here I use Pepperoni)
1 tsp. Worcestershire Fairy Dust

Cook for two hours on high. Turn down to medium to medium-low and cook for the rest of the day.


Bigfoot 2-3 pounds of him, cut in one and a half inch chunks
Unicorn 2-3 pounds, minus the hooves, cut into chunks too
Mothman Remove wings, anything left cut into chunks like the others
Champ "Scale the thing", get fishy smell off your hands, cut into slippery chunks
Lizard Men Throw back, leave the frog leg stuff for the French.

Now space the girlie stuff between the mythic beast meat:

Cherry tomatoes about 12 pieces (I tried chocolate covered cherries, don’t)
Whole mushroom caps – about 12 pieces (Didn’t look like they were wearing caps so I threw the whole damn thing in)
Onion, ¼ sliced – about 12 pieces (only if you are not dating, or married)
Green pepper – cut into two-inch pieces (Spicy Red pepper is much better but personally it gives me the hot farts)
Zucchini – sliced thick (zucchini bread MIGHT work in a pinch)


Pure olive oil; ½ cup (Olive was never pure, ask Popeye)
Red wine; ½ cup (use the cheap stuff unless you are trying to impress a date, then pour the cheap stuff into a good stuff bottle and use that)
Lemon juice; ¼ cup (Mountain Dew works too)
Salt; ½ tsp. (if salt will kill you, use sugar you’ll get zits but you’ll live)
Coarse ground pepper; ½ tsp. (don’t know what this is, so I use tiny pepper paper packets and throw the whole packet in to make it coarse)
Garlic cloves; 2-3, crushed and diced (IMPORTANT to use if you substitute Vampire meat for any of the above)
Worcestershire Fairy Sauce; 2 tbsp. (best if sprinkled in moonlight)

Combine ingredients (DUH) for marinade and mix well. Add meat cubes, cover, and let the shit soak in the fridge until the Arm & Hammer white stuff turns brown from the stink.
Alternate marinated mythic beast meat with vegetables on skewers (personally I think daggers adds a nice touch). Grill over lighter fluid laced flames, turning often (if you don’t singe your arm hair while doing it the flames aren’t hot enough yet), basting (just squirt the crap on it) with remaining marinade for 10-15 minutes for medium-rare, or 15-20 minutes for medium, 1-2 hours for Done.


½ pound ground Bigfoot
Refrigerator pack of Bud, pour ¼ can Bud into the meat, drink the rest
Worcestershire Fairy Sauce, dump enough in to get rid of that gamey ass taste, or drink more Bud.
Grill over massive lighter fluid flames until the burgers have the same look and taste as a hockey puck.
Drink more Bud.


Thaw the Yeti meat.
Take 3-10 pounds of it and stick it in your wife’s stove.
Open the cupboard above the stove, spin the spice rack thing hard, gather up what falls and dump that on the meat.
Throw in some of the stuff in your wife’s crisper drawer in the frig.
If in the step above you added some carrots, or anything green, add a pound of bacon just to balance things out.
Add potatoes or curly fries.
Dump some water in, or old beer from last summer.
Use some butter, a stick or two seems good.
If you have old meals from restaurants in Styrofoam, now’s the time to empty them into the mix.

Stab the meat all over so the stuff sinks in.
At precisely kickoff push it into the oven, bake on one step below the self cleaning setting.
Come back at the BEGINNING of the 2nd quarter of the 2nd game, it should be about done for the halftime.

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© All crayon drawings are copyrighted by Jake & Annies parents, and quite possibly Miss Eileen's entire 2nd grade class, and any unauthorized use of Jake or Annies crayon drawings will result in us leaving very large mythic beast poop in your yard