Queen Latifah; and Seth MacFarlane.
PLUS: "The Bachelor"; a top ten list; Harold
Larkin's What Would You Do for $20?; another Tony Mendez
birthday; and Dave tells drinking stories.
the master entertainer, entertains America and those overseas
placing a pencil above his lip just under his nose. He removes
his hand and the pencil remains. I predict you will see this
shot again in a future pre-taped piece.
"The Bachelor" is back and hopes to pick
up some viewers it's lost. How to do that? They have to make
it more exciting, bring something new to the table. And I
think they've succeeded. Have you seen the promo?
"Get ready, ladies, because 'The
Bachelor' is back, and it's hotter than ever. You won't believe
the surprises we have in store for this year's contestants as
they look for love with the most exciting bachelor yet. (cut
to shot of Robert Blake) 'The Bachelor,' tonight
at 9/8 Central, only on ABC."
New York is a very enterprising town and its citizens are always
on the lookout on how to make some spare cash. Our head
carpenter Harold Larkin took to the streets the other day to
tape a piece we call, "Harold Larkin's 'What Would
You Do For $20?'"
-Harold offers a guy $20
to stand in a crosswalk for the duration of a green
- to a guy to eat a packet of hot cocoa.
- to a woman to slow dance with him
- to a guy to eat a
slice of pizza in 30 seconds
- to a guy to pour party
ice down his pants
- to a trio of fellas to drink dirty
hot dog water
- to a guy for his pants
- and to
the same guy to go for a ride in the trunk of a taxi cab.
This piece looked like the worst episode of "Fear
Hey! Know what Sunday was? It was
Tony Cue Cards' birthday! Yup. And how old is our friend Tony?
Drum roll, please. Tony Mendez is now 60 years
old! He was born March 27, 1945. Three weeks later, FDR
died. A huge cake is wheeled out in Tony's honor and the
celebration begins. Tony excitedly blows out all 60 candles.
All of a sudden, I no longer had the desire for a piece of cake.
Of course, you can enjoy more Tony Mendez on "The
Tony Mendez Show" found at the Late Show
Back from commercial, we
see a shot of the outside. It is pouring, and it has been all
Dave says he used to love rainy Mondays
like this. "After work, go to the bar, have some scotch
and waters. Around 9:00 you think about getting something for
dinner, then decide 'naahhh, I don't think so.'"
Man, I love Dave's drinking stories. And I can tell they
are so true. If you haven't lived the drinking life, you
couldn't include the little drinking nuances in the stories.
TOP TEN: Things Overheard at the White House Easter
Egg Hunt - It's a tradition at the White House, dating
back to the Rutherford B. Hayes administration in 1878. Hold
your e-mails, please. I know the White House holds an Easter
Egg Roll and not a hunt, but we decided to call it the more
popular Easter Egg Hunt. Plus, it was easier to think of jokes
about a hunt than a roll.
#9. "Instead of eggs,
shouldn't we be looking for Osama?"
"Shouldn't we get a Kosher bunny for the Jewish kids?"
QUEEN LATIFAH: How was her Easter holiday?
She says she spent time cleaning out the garage. Hey! That's
what I did on my last vacation. Who knew I lived like a
celebrity? Dave applauds Queen Latifah's call to order as he
himself admits to hating clutter. "All I need is one
suit, one tie," says Dave. My wardrobe consists of one
suit, two ties. One tie is for happy events. The other tie
Dave wonders, "Since there is a
'Queen' Latifah, is there a 'King?' Queen Latifah ain't
saying. Dave presses on but she remains, "I'm not
Queen Latifah recently spent some time
in Prague and Las Vegas. Is the Queen a gambler? Not really.
She doesn't find much e! njoyment in the slots, concerned
she'll drop a lot of money in a machine and then have someone
put one coin in the next machine and hit big. It wouldn't be
fair. She does enjoy the roulette, though. Dave doesn't go
much for the gambling either. Me, I don't like the gambling.
I find the pain in losing $100 so much greater than the joy in
winning $100. When I go to Atlantic City I'm happy just to
break even, so! now I just play the change machine.
Dave mentions that back in the 80s, he made his living as a
Casino cheat. "It's all in my book," he
Queen Latifah stars in the new film,
"Beauty Shop." It opens on Wednesday. Not only is
she the star, she produced it as well. What does that mean,
producing a movie? I'm glad Dave asked. She says she pitched
the idea of "Beauty Shop" to the movie company, and
they accepted it. As a producer, she then hires the writers,
actors, and director. Luckily, she passed her audition and got
Dave holds up a photo of Queen Latfiah
playing basketball from back in her high school days. #32 from
Irvington High School led her team to two consecutive State
Championships in New Jersey. Ooh, Irvington, New Jersey! My
Aunt Jo and Uncle Frank used to live there.&nbs! p; They
lived on the 11th floor. The halls of the building were great
for echoes and the trash compactor at the end of the hall was
always fun to use. But what I remember most about Irvington,
New Jersey was the big beer bottle advertisement seen from the
Garden State Parkway as we neared Irvington. My recollection
remembers the bottle being a Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bottle is
still there, though I'm not sure if there is a label on it.
"Beauty Shop" - it opens Wednesday.
from commercial, Dave goes into story-telling mode.
reminisces about appearing on the Pyramid shows back in the 70s,
either the $10,000, $20,000, or Million Dollar
Pyramid, whatever it was. The show would fly him in for
the show and Dave would drink for the entire plane ride. He
would then hit the hotel bar and spend all night drinking vodka
tonics. He did this because he knew he would be getting a
check from the Pyramid to cover his drinks. By show time the
next day, Dave says he would be terribly hungover. He felt bad
for the poor hygienist from Jersey who was depending on Dave to
help her win the 20 grand. It never happened. As soon as the
show was over, he would be given a check for his appearance,
which he would then search to cash. He would then go right over
to Patsy's and start in again on the vodka tonics. He would
then have dinner . . . . with a bottle of wine, of course.
Dave then turns our attention to Paul. With Spring upon
us, now would be a fine time for a song about Spring. A
somewhat startled Paul slowly begins to warble, making it up as
"Spring, spring, a
ACT 5: "Got a craving for more Late
Show fun? Log on to our website at
Let's get in the swing
only season that shows us its reason for being
Ring a ding ding . . . .
it will bring
What fun it will bring
This sure has the ring
crap that you get
when you don't give me time
write the 'givl'-ing thing.
You'll find classic clips, guest
information, Late Show merchandise, and a complete
archive of Dave's erotic poetry. It's all online, only at
CBS.com/Lateshow. Tell your friends."
introducing our next guest, we see a shot of Dave playing the
Pyramid from the 70s. Could you see the hangover?
SETH MACFARLANE: He's the creator of the very
popular "Family Guy." Seth also is the voice of 4
regular characters on the show. The show has been canceled more
than once but each time it has been brought back. Seth
mentions one episode of "Family Guy" where Peter, the
main guy, has a dream of the biblical Mary and Joseph are on the
Newlywed Game. Bob Eubanks was booked to play the voice of
himself. He did the voiceover without reading the rest of the
script. Not till later did he realize that it involved Mary and
Josep! h. He came back and informed Seth that he had a
Christian Workout Video about to be released and was concerned
about the Mary and Joseph bit. It might hurt sales. Seth let
In addition to "Family Guy" - 4th
season debuts May 1st, Seth also has in the works,
"American Dad," also debuting May 1st. It's just
like "Family Guy." Actually, it's exactly the same.
You know, it's hard to come up with new ideas all the time.
"Family Guy" and "American Dad" - catch them
May 1st on FOX.
And that was our show for
Monday, March 28, 2005. Wahoo
Okay, so how many of
you thought of the Wahoo Gazette during the Our
Father/palms up/palms not up at Easter Sunday mass? I know I
got one; Jack Fry of Unionville, Ontario, Canada:
"Thanks Mike. Your evil plan worked.
Off for Easter weekend and didn't think of the Wahoo
Gazette once during Good Friday. Not a thought on
Saturday. Nothing while driving to Easter Sunday service. Even
while waiting for worship to begin not an inkling of the
Wahoo Gazette. Worship starts. Some palms go up.
BOOM! Wahoo Gazette fills my brain throughout the
worship. With all the smiling I was doing the preacher must
have thought his message really affected
me." I was watching the
West Virginia/Louisville game this weekend and the
CBS cameras are still staying out of the stands, but I did
notice late in the game the cameras were starting to zero in on
the player who just scored while the team was applying a full
court press. We also saw a camera shot late in the game of the
West Virginia bench following a basket. We did not go back to
game action until after Louisville had brought the ball past
half-court and called time out. With the games getting bigger
and with more at stake, you can expect more camera shots AWAY
from the action. I can only hope for a stolen inbound! pass
and a score to win the game while we are watching a player on
the bench watching the inbound pass being stolen and the winning
bucket being scored.
I'm at an awkward age: Too old
for piercings; too young for Velcro sneakers.
Googled the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer bottle seen near
Irvington, New Jersey. This is what I found.
Newark's big bottle in danger So there you
have it. The Big Pabst Bottle days may be numbered. If you
want to see it, you better get to Newark ASAP.
60-foot tall landmark that once advertised Pabst may come
Apr 14, 2004 - A New Jersey landmark immortalized
in song as "The Big Pabst Bottle," and more recently
famous when it appeared in an episode of the
"Sopranos," could be coming down. The giant 60-foot
tall bottle still tops a former Pabst brewery, but a developer
has bought the property and plans to build retail stores and
housing there. Gregory Comito, an architect and principal in
New West, the developers who will build on the site, said the
firm is still investigating whether the bottle can be saved
because of its deteriorated state.
"Our plan is to
incorporate that bottle into a park on South Orange
Avenue," he said. "We think it'll make a nice feature,
a nice nostalgic piece. If we can save it, we will." The
bottle's crown is 185 feet above street level. It measures 17
1/2 feet in diameter below the tapered neck, and when it
functioned as a water tower it could hold 55,000 gallons. It
first advertised Hoffman's Pale Dry Ginger Ale when it went up
in 1930. Made of copper-plated steel plates about a quarter-inch
thick, the bottle had a "glossy coat of enamel" and
was "topped by a stopper of glittering gold." At
night, it was flooded with light.
ended, Hoffman Beverage Co. began brewing beer, and later 1945
Pabst Brewing purchased Hoffman. The soda bottle was repainted
to become a beer bottle.
"I've talked to people
around the world and they know about that bottle," said
Jerry Benz, who wrote "The Big Pabst Bottle" along
with Fabian McCarthy Jr. "They identify New Jersey with
Pabst closed the plant in 1985 and -
as shown last month on the HBO series the "Sopranos" -
the building and neighborhood have deteriorated since. Pictures
are available at Old Newark.
forgot to mention this. A few weeks ago I went to see
"The Pacifier." It was better than I
was expecting. And Brad Garrett was great. I didn't even know
he was in it. I'm surprised his performance hasn't been
THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY
March 28, 1922 - The Toronto St. Pats
(NHL) beat the Vancouver Millionaires (PCHA) 3 games to 2 to win
the Stanley Cup.