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Monday, March 28, 2005
Show #2339
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White

Queen Latifah; and Seth MacFarlane.
PLUS: "The Bachelor"; a top ten list; Harold Larkin's What Would You Do for $20?; another Tony Mendez birthday; and Dave tells drinking stories.

Dave, the master entertainer, entertains America and those overseas placing a pencil above his lip just under his nose. He removes his hand and the pencil remains. I predict you will see this shot again in a future pre-taped piece.

ABC's "The Bachelor" is back and hopes to pick up some viewers it's lost. How to do that? They have to make it more exciting, bring something new to the table. And I think they've succeeded. Have you seen the promo?

"Get ready, ladies, because 'The Bachelor' is back, and it's hotter than ever. You won't believe the surprises we have in store for this year's contestants as they look for love with the most exciting bachelor yet. (cut to shot of Robert Blake) 'The Bachelor,' tonight at 9/8 Central, only on ABC."
New York is a very enterprising town and its citizens are always on the lookout on how to make some spare cash. Our head carpenter Harold Larkin took to the streets the other day to tape a piece we call, "Harold Larkin's 'What Would You Do For $20?'"
-Harold offers a guy $20 to stand in a crosswalk for the duration of a green light.
- to a guy to eat a packet of hot cocoa.
- to a woman to slow dance with him
- to a guy to eat a slice of pizza in 30 seconds
- to a guy to pour party ice down his pants
- to a trio of fellas to drink dirty hot dog water
- to a guy for his pants
- and to the same guy to go for a ride in the trunk of a taxi cab.

This piece looked like the worst episode of "Fear Factor" ever

Hey! Know what Sunday was? It was Tony Cue Cards' birthday! Yup. And how old is our friend Tony? Drum roll, please. Tony Mendez is now 60 years old! He was born March 27, 1945. Three weeks later, FDR died. A huge cake is wheeled out in Tony's honor and the celebration begins. Tony excitedly blows out all 60 candles. All of a sudden, I no longer had the desire for a piece of cake.

Of course, you can enjoy more Tony Mendez on "The Tony Mendez Show" found at the Late Show website,

Back from commercial, we see a shot of the outside. It is pouring, and it has been all day. Yeech.

Dave says he used to love rainy Mondays like this. "After work, go to the bar, have some scotch and waters. Around 9:00 you think about getting something for dinner, then decide 'naahhh, I don't think so.'"

Man, I love Dave's drinking stories. And I can tell they are so true. If you haven't lived the drinking life, you couldn't include the little drinking nuances in the stories.

TOP TEN: Things Overheard at the White House Easter Egg Hunt - It's a tradition at the White House, dating back to the Rutherford B. Hayes administration in 1878. Hold your e-mails, please. I know the White House holds an Easter Egg Roll and not a hunt, but we decided to call it the more popular Easter Egg Hunt. Plus, it was easier to think of jokes about a hunt than a roll.
#9. "Instead of eggs, shouldn't we be looking for Osama?"
#2. "Shouldn't we get a Kosher bunny for the Jewish kids?"

QUEEN LATIFAH: How was her Easter holiday? She says she spent time cleaning out the garage. Hey! That's what I did on my last vacation. Who knew I lived like a celebrity? Dave applauds Queen Latifah's call to order as he himself admits to hating clutter. "All I need is one suit, one tie," says Dave. My wardrobe consists of one suit, two ties. One tie is for happy events. The other tie for funerals.
Dave wonders, "Since there is a 'Queen' Latifah, is there a 'King?' Queen Latifah ain't saying. Dave presses on but she remains, "I'm not talking."
Queen Latifah recently spent some time in Prague and Las Vegas. Is the Queen a gambler? Not really. She doesn't find much e! njoyment in the slots, concerned she'll drop a lot of money in a machine and then have someone put one coin in the next machine and hit big. It wouldn't be fair. She does enjoy the roulette, though. Dave doesn't go much for the gambling either. Me, I don't like the gambling. I find the pain in losing $100 so much greater than the joy in winning $100. When I go to Atlantic City I'm happy just to break even, so! now I just play the change machine.
Dave mentions that back in the 80s, he made his living as a Casino cheat. "It's all in my book," he promotes.
Queen Latifah stars in the new film, "Beauty Shop." It opens on Wednesday. Not only is she the star, she produced it as well. What does that mean, producing a movie? I'm glad Dave asked. She says she pitched the idea of "Beauty Shop" to the movie company, and they accepted it. As a producer, she then hires the writers, actors, and director. Luckily, she passed her audition and got the part.
Dave holds up a photo of Queen Latfiah playing basketball from back in her high school days. #32 from Irvington High School led her team to two consecutive State Championships in New Jersey. Ooh, Irvington, New Jersey! My Aunt Jo and Uncle Frank used to live there.&nbs! p; They lived on the 11th floor. The halls of the building were great for echoes and the trash compactor at the end of the hall was always fun to use. But what I remember most about Irvington, New Jersey was the big beer bottle advertisement seen from the Garden State Parkway as we neared Irvington. My recollection remembers the bottle being a Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bottle is still there, though I'm not sure if there is a label on it. "Beauty Shop" - it opens Wednesday.

Back from commercial, Dave goes into story-telling mode.
Dave reminisces about appearing on the Pyramid shows back in the 70s, either the $10,000, $20,000, or Million Dollar Pyramid, whatever it was. The show would fly him in for the show and Dave would drink for the entire plane ride. He would then hit the hotel bar and spend all night drinking vodka tonics. He did this because he knew he would be getting a check from the Pyramid to cover his drinks. By show time the next day, Dave says he would be terribly hungover. He felt bad for the poor hygienist from Jersey who was depending on Dave to help her win the 20 grand. It never happened. As soon as the show was over, he would be given a check for his appearance, which he would then search to cash. He would then go right over to Patsy's and start in again on the vodka tonics. He would then have dinner . . . . with a bottle of wine, of course.

Dave then turns our attention to Paul. With Spring upon us, now would be a fine time for a song about Spring. A somewhat startled Paul slowly begins to warble, making it up as he goes.

"Spring, spring, a marvelous thing,
Let's get in the swing
Of the only season that shows us its reason for being
With a magical zing
Ring a ding ding . . . .

What joy it will bring
What fun it will bring
Are you listening, Dave?
This sure has the ring
Of the crap that you get
when you don't give me time
To write the 'givl'-ing thing.

ACT 5: "Got a craving for more Late Show fun? Log on to our website at CBS.Com/Lateshow.
You'll find classic clips, guest information, Late Show merchandise, and a complete archive of Dave's erotic poetry. It's all online, only at Tell your friends."

Before introducing our next guest, we see a shot of Dave playing the Pyramid from the 70s. Could you see the hangover?

SETH MACFARLANE: He's the creator of the very popular "Family Guy." Seth also is the voice of 4 regular characters on the show. The show has been canceled more than once but each time it has been brought back. Seth mentions one episode of "Family Guy" where Peter, the main guy, has a dream of the biblical Mary and Joseph are on the Newlywed Game. Bob Eubanks was booked to play the voice of himself. He did the voiceover without reading the rest of the script. Not till later did he realize that it involved Mary and Josep! h. He came back and informed Seth that he had a Christian Workout Video about to be released and was concerned about the Mary and Joseph bit. It might hurt sales. Seth let him out.
In addition to "Family Guy" - 4th season debuts May 1st, Seth also has in the works, "American Dad," also debuting May 1st. It's just like "Family Guy." Actually, it's exactly the same. You know, it's hard to come up with new ideas all the time. "Family Guy" and "American Dad" - catch them May 1st on FOX.

And that was our show for Monday, March 28, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Okay, so how many of you thought of the Wahoo Gazette during the Our Father/palms up/palms not up at Easter Sunday mass? I know I got one; Jack Fry of Unionville, Ontario, Canada:

"Thanks Mike. Your evil plan worked. Off for Easter weekend and didn't think of the Wahoo Gazette once during Good Friday. Not a thought on Saturday. Nothing while driving to Easter Sunday service. Even while waiting for worship to begin not an inkling of the Wahoo Gazette. Worship starts. Some palms go up. BOOM! Wahoo Gazette fills my brain throughout the worship. With all the smiling I was doing the preacher must have thought his message really affected me."
I was watching the West Virginia/Louisville game this weekend and the CBS cameras are still staying out of the stands, but I did notice late in the game the cameras were starting to zero in on the player who just scored while the team was applying a full court press. We also saw a camera shot late in the game of the West Virginia bench following a basket. We did not go back to game action until after Louisville had brought the ball past half-court and called time out. With the games getting bigger and with more at stake, you can expect more camera shots AWAY from the action. I can only hope for a stolen inbound! pass and a score to win the game while we are watching a player on the bench watching the inbound pass being stolen and the winning bucket being scored.

I'm at an awkward age: Too old for piercings; too young for Velcro sneakers.

I Googled the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer bottle seen near Irvington, New Jersey. This is what I found.

Newark's big bottle in danger
60-foot tall landmark that once advertised Pabst may come down
Apr 14, 2004 - A New Jersey landmark immortalized in song as "The Big Pabst Bottle," and more recently famous when it appeared in an episode of the "Sopranos," could be coming down. The giant 60-foot tall bottle still tops a former Pabst brewery, but a developer has bought the property and plans to build retail stores and housing there. Gregory Comito, an architect and principal in New West, the developers who will build on the site, said the firm is still investigating whether the bottle can be saved because of its deteriorated state.
"Our plan is to incorporate that bottle into a park on South Orange Avenue," he said. "We think it'll make a nice feature, a nice nostalgic piece. If we can save it, we will." The bottle's crown is 185 feet above street level. It measures 17 1/2 feet in diameter below the tapered neck, and when it functioned as a water tower it could hold 55,000 gallons. It first advertised Hoffman's Pale Dry Ginger Ale when it went up in 1930. Made of copper-plated steel plates about a quarter-inch thick, the bottle had a "glossy coat of enamel" and was "topped by a stopper of glittering gold." At night, it was flooded with light.
When prohibition ended, Hoffman Beverage Co. began brewing beer, and later 1945 Pabst Brewing purchased Hoffman. The soda bottle was repainted to become a beer bottle.
"I've talked to people around the world and they know about that bottle," said Jerry Benz, who wrote "The Big Pabst Bottle" along with Fabian McCarthy Jr. "They identify New Jersey with that bottle."
Pabst closed the plant in 1985 and - as shown last month on the HBO series the "Sopranos" - the building and neighborhood have deteriorated since. Pictures are available at Old Newark.
So there you have it. The Big Pabst Bottle days may be numbered. If you want to see it, you better get to Newark ASAP.

I forgot to mention this. A few weeks ago I went to see "The Pacifier." It was better than I was expecting. And Brad Garrett was great. I didn't even know he was in it. I'm surprised his performance hasn't been touted.

March 28, 1922 - The Toronto St. Pats (NHL) beat the Vancouver Millionaires (PCHA) 3 games to 2 to win the Stanley Cup.

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