The Hardest Bosses of All Time - Part 1 of 3
Everyone's been there. It's 2 o'clock in the morning, you need to get up at 7 for school, you have a four page persuasive essay due the next day that you haven't started yet, and you're still not in bed. Why? Because some infuriating boss battle is keeping you up all night! Since the early years of gaming, there have been many types of boss battles. There are the bosses who are laughably easy, the epic boss battles that make you impressed with the company who created the game, and the boss battles that make you want to stab your mom in the face. We here at GamerHelp are proud to present to you the first in a three-part series of the Hardest Bosses of All Time!
He'll eat your heart
and your NES.
Mike Tyson's Punch Out (NES)
The pixilated version of the man who once said "I want to kill people & I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children," is almost as frightening as the real thing, and battling Iron Mike himself in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! for the NES is positively one of the most grueling boss battles ever put into a video game (probably because the programmers feared Mike kicking their asses if they didn't make him hard enough to defeat).
To beat Tyson, you need to dodge his certifiably insane fists during the first round at all costs because a single hit will knock you into a coma (you can't even block them). Once the ear-eating maniac starts to wink, that is your cue to prepare for his hooks. He will continue to pummel you with a combo and attacks he used in previous rounds. The trick to punching him out for good is surviving the first hellacious minute and a half of the match, blocking, and countering him once he unleashes his combo.
You know what they say about
dudes with big swords.
Kingdom Hearts (PlayStation 2)
Using fire, meteors, Darkness spheres, voodoo, teleportation attacks, and his ultra-long katana to gore you, Final Fantasy VII's silver-haired antagonist Sephiroth appears in the original Kingdom Hearts as an optional boss and defeating him is harder than beating Final Fantasy VII with your buttcheeks. While he seems almost unbeatable, Seph can be taken out by implementing the proper strategy.
The MP Rage, which gives you MP every time you are struck, is essential to victory. This is because walking away from this match unscathed, regardless of your skill, is not going to happen, and you need all the MP you can get to constantly heal your battle wounds. As with many boss battles, this one has multiple phases where your aggressor will try out his array of attacks. To win, you need to stick it out through all of the phases, using your MP to cure yourself and sneaking in hits in between Sephiroth's.
Only the chosen shall defeat
Final Fantasy VII (PlayStation)
Emerald Weapon, a sea monster with around one million health points has been known to cause bed-wetting and night terror for gamers who foolishly attempt to defeat it in Final Fantasy VII. This underwater leviathan will crush Cloud and his merry band of miscreants into sea dust so tiny that even plankton would laugh at them. One of the really fun aspects of this already monumental boss fight is that you have a twenty minute time limit, and if you passed basic arithmetic you should know that defeating a boss with a million hit points in that amount of time has about the same success rate as using chewed up bubble gum to mend a shotgun wound. Luckily the people at Squaresoft are only partially cruel, and with the right preparation this monstrosity can be forced to give up the ghost.
First of all, don't even bother organizing a well-rounded party. You'll need one beefed up character, that's it. Equip your strongest character with a mastered HP Plus Materia, the Knights of the Round summon Materia coupled with an HP Absorb Materia and a Mime Materia. Equip any of your other characters (they'll soon be dead anyway) with arguably the most important Materia of this battle: the Underwater Materia. Equipping this Materia will nullify the 20 minute time limit of this battle, so all that's left to do is stay alive and keep casting Knights of the Round. Good luck, you'll need it.