Binsar Pakpahan

Apa yang disebut dengan cinta? Apakah kita tahu apa cinta itu? Justru ketika kita merasa tahu apa cinta itu, di saat itulah kita sebenarnya tidak mengerti. Cinta tidak bisa dijelaskan, hanya bisa dirasakan. Cinta tidak buta, namun bisa membuat orang buta. Cinta tidak dapat dipelajari, hanya dapat dialami. Kita tidak akan tahu apa itu cinta, sampai merasa sakit untuk kehilangannya. Alamilah cinta dan cinta akan membuat anda mengalaminya. Cinta membuat orang bersatu, cinta dapat pula membuat orang berpisah.

Kadang-kadang, cinta bisa jadi sangat membingungkan. Terkadang kita ingin terus bersama dengan orang yang kita cintai. Ingin bersama, lepas dari orang lain yang ada di sekitar kita. Tetapi, hidup membuat kita tidak bisa mengesampingkan mereka yang selama ini ada di sekitar kita. Justru pertemuan dengan mereka dapat membuat cinta belajar. Persimpangan kehidupan dapat memperkokoh atau melemahkan cinta.

Jaring-jaring kehidupan yang membentuk dua sosok yang berbeda dapat mempertemukan mereka dalam sebuah kisah cinta. Tidak jarang, kisah cinta tersebut harus mengoyakkan diri, bukan karena jaring mereka tidak bisa menyatu, melainkan karena perbedaan dari lingkungan di mana mereka berdiri. Cinta tidak selamanya bisa bersatu. Cinta bisa dirasakan, namun bukan untuk dimiliki.

Kisah cinta yang dirajut di atas dasar yang kokoh, akan menjadi ikatan abadi. Namun, ada kalanya ikatan abadi itu harus memutuskan diri karena jarum, benang, dan sulaman yang dipakai akan roboh apabila rajutan tersebut tak terpisahkan lagi. Perbedaan yang dimiliki dua anak manusia membuat cinta hanya untuk dirasakan tetapi bukan untuk dimiliki.

Di saat seperti ini, lagunya John Lennon sepertinya sangat masuk akal. ‘Imagine there’s no heaven, and no religion too. Imagine there’s no country … imagine if you could…’ perbedaan yang tidak begitu besar namun mendasar… membuat cinta harus mengalah. Sanggupkah dua anak manusia yang saling mencinta untuk melepaskan kisahnya demi menjaga tembok-tembok yang ada di sekitarnya untuk tidak runtuh? Apa yang terjadi dengan percintaan yang ditentang oleh semua orang? Apakah yang terjadi dengan cinta? Kata siapa cinta bisa mengalahkan segalanya?

Sekarang, cinta harus mengalah demi cinta yang lain. Kenapa kepentingan orang banyak harus selalu didahulukan? Kenapa prinsip utilitarian harus mengalahkan intuisionis? Apakah kepentingan orang banyak harus membuat cinta mengalah? Kalau begitu apa sebenarnya cinta itu? Apakah cinta hanya dirasakan oleh dua insan yang merasakannya, atau mereka harus merelakan cintanya demi cinta-cinta lain yang ada di sekeliling mereka, yang membuat mereka harus kehilangan cintanya? Kenapa cinta bisa berbuat seperti itu? Apakah memang ada cinta yang tak boleh memiliki, dan ada cinta yang berakhir dengan bahagia selamanya? Kenapa cinta bisa seperti itu? Siapa yang mengontrol cinta? Siapa yang boleh menentukan cinta mana yang boleh berakhir bahagia dan mana yang tidak? Kenapa mereka diijinkan mengalami cinta kalau mereka memang tidak akan memilikinya? Kenapa?

- binsar, medio desember 2005 -

and some comments on my old blog on friendster: Continue Reading »

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Guess what!

I’m not officially working there anymore (read: Working at Restaurant Selecta). The CWI (Dutch authority in charge for working permit) did not allow me to work in Selecta since last month. The accountant of the restaurant said,

gisteren zijn wij gebeld door CWI, in verband met aanvraag tewerkstellingsvergunning Pakpahan.

Deze wordt niet verleend. Reden is dat Pakpahan geen student is.
Op zijn verblijfsdocument staat vermeld “arbeid in loondienst” .Dit slaat op zijn onderzoekswerk bij de universiteit.

blablabla… then…

Dus helaas, deze meneer kan geen werknemer worden van Selecta B.V.

Wat jammer!

Anyhoo, all is good. I was surprised that the timing was perfect when I really need some break to start writing. Then these last couple of weeks I was helping there again. I will not work there anymore since I don’t have a working permit and I don’t want to risk my chance of studying here just to get some extra euros. The good news is that my work permit for the Crossroads International Church was granted. So, I am now working every saturday and sunday at the church, with bigger rate per hour hahahaha…

These couple of weeks, I met new friends at Selecta: Okki, Ferry, and Oscar. I also met the ‘old timers’ such as Arief, Intan, Sally, Oppie, Mira, Ralph, Sylvi, Etta, and fulltimers such as Jessy, Jere, Leo, Salomon, and ofcourse Tante Roos.

Here are some new and old pictures of the ’slaves’ hahahaha… gonna miss them - i think [ *} wink wink

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I want to share a bit about why I am here and what is my purpose in life. I was born and raised as Christian. Before I was born, my dad had made a vow to God that he would give his first child to God as his servant. He did this as an act of gratitude of God’s grace. When I was a child I was happy to tell everyone that I want to be a pastor. But then when I was in high school I realized that being a pastor was not a cool dream. I was in a band (I played the lead guitar back then), partying, being the kind of person with so many friends, and to become a pastor is the least coolest thing I want to be. Then I had doubts about my future especially because I was thinking about pursuing other career, becoming a lawyer for instance. But then I realized that God always set the course in my life. God pulled me off whenever I tried to set my own course in life. When my band was about to sign a possible contract with some local clubs in Jakarta, I broke my arm in a motorbike accident. I couldn’t play the guitar for sometime. Then my cousin told me that I will not be able to play guitar as fast as I wanted anymore because one of the nerves on my arm was not working properly anymore. Then I had to decide to which college I have to go. I decided to go to theological seminary while taking the test for a state university. I passed both. But then somehow without hesitation I choose the theological seminary. Continue Reading »

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Baru-baru ini seorang teman memposting bahwa banyak ahli dirgantara Indonesia yang sekarang bekerja di luar negeri dan ditengarai sedang membangun dan memajukan negara tempat dia bekerja daripada negaranya sendiri. Saya hanya ingin menyampaikan pertimbangan saya sendiri mengenai hal ini. Berikut adalah email saya di mailing group PPI Amsterdam.

Memang ini adalah bagian dilematis bagi kaum intelektual yang menginginkan aktualisasi diri. Ini sama dengan kasus beberapa atlet yang akhirnya memilih untuk bermain atau melatih di negara lain. Sebenarnya kita harus melihat hal ini dengan mata yang lebih jernih dan juga dengan pertimbangan matang dari teman-teman yang nanti akan selesai belajar dari Belanda ini. Saya akan coba tulis beberapa pertimbangan etisnya dan teman-teman sendiri yang akan memutuskan nantinya.
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Matius 22:34-36

Trilogi film The Lord of The Rings adalah sebuah film yang memenangkan 17 Academy Awards (piala Oscar) dan 11 penghargaan sendiri untuk film ketiganya. Salah satu penghargaan tertinggi dunia perfilman Hollywood yang diterimanya adalah untuk kategori ‘Penyuntingan Terbaik’ (Best Editing). Produksi awal ketiga film ini menghasilkan 1,828,800 meter film, dan disunting menjadi 11 jam 23 menit dalam DVD ‘extended version’. Versi yang ditampilkan di bioskop menjadi lebih singkat lagi yaitu hanya 9 jam. Bagian yang telah disunting yang disuguhkan kepada penonton tidak menghilangkan inti dari cerita film itu. Bahkan saya sendiri tidak akan pernah tahu bahwa ada bagian yang telah disunting sampai seorang teman saya menunjukkan versi ‘extended’nya. Ini berarti kualitas edit yang dimiliki tim pembuat film itu adalah luar biasa sehingga bagian yang dipotong tidak mengurangi arti film itu yang sesungguhnya. Continue Reading »

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Galatia 3:26-29

Sejak didirikan pada tahun 1950, Persekutuan Gereja-gereja di Indonesia /PGI (dulunya Dewan Gereja-gereja di Indonesia) telah memiliki anggota sebanyak 82 gereja. Pada tahun 1964, jumlah anggota PGI hanya 36 gereja. Ini berarti lebih dari 100% pertumbuhan sejak 1964. Fakta ini bisa kita terjemahkan menjadi beberapa makna. Arti pertama adalah kekristenan telah bertumbuh pesat di indonesia, namun arti lainnya adalah seringnya terjadi perpecahan di dalam gereja karena banyak gereja yang muncul kemudian lahir dari konflik dengan gereja induknya. Continue Reading »

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I was not feeling well today. I think I was too tired because I was doing so many things at the same time. As usual, my body told me that I needed rest, so I took some time to rest and I had a good sleep today. Its my birthday, the weather is great (according to Dutch weather standard), and I spent most of the time sleeping. Not an ideal way of celebrating one’s birthday ofcourse but I really needed that. I took some vitamins as well.

Today I met Saskia and Ephraim at Leidseplein. We had a small drink then I went home because I promised Enade that I will cook for dinner. It was a simple dinner but I love the chicken with cashew nut that I cooked. We had a good dinner, and I bought a South African white wine for the occasion. It was fantastic too. I still have Viennetta ice cream in my fridge that we couldn’t finish, I shall keep it for a good occasion later.

Now, I am sitting at my usual spot, turned off the lights, light on some candles, opened my curtain, and looked at Amsterdam clear view at night from my 7th floor room. I can see Amsterdam Arena clearly from here. While doing that I’m comfortably sipping my jasmine tea with honey (that I just received from someone as a birthday gift). It brings me some peace of mind. Enjoying the night view of Amsterdam and its lights with the candle lights dancing at the edge of my eye sight brings back a lot of memories. It occurs to me that I was doing the same thing 2 weeks ago plus my Latin playlist on my iTunes. Hmm… what is it with Friday? hehehe… Continue Reading »

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On this blessed Eid ul-Fitr (which happens to be my birthday)

I pray, may Allah’s blessing fills your heart and home with happiness and peace.

I aks for your forgiveness in this happy day,

Eid Mubarak today and always,

Binsar Pakpahan

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Well, today is my 27th birthday. I have lived for 27 years and I’m getting more mature. This is also my third time celebrating my birthday in Amsterdam. Hmm, years did fly fast. However, I feel grateful for all things that had happened in my life. One thing for sure, God is taking care of me in whatever things I do. I think God is arranging my life for me. If I would like to use a metaphor, my life is like a boat that has its course set already. I still don’t know what will happen on the way, but running on a GPRS and auto-pilot sometimes made me nervous. When I did, I would like to take over and when it happened I felt God was keeping me safe too. But whenever I went off course the auto pilot went back on instantly. So, this is my reflection on my life. Continue Reading »

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This is a recording of Bebas Band last gig on Saturday 6 October 2007. We played from 23.00 until 03.15 in the morning. It was a wild night. Everybody were dancing and I really enjoyed it. Here is the song where I sang, taken by Kevin, and uploaded by Ardho! If you were not there, you will feel very sorry now hahaha …. Enjoy!

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        In the last two decades the world has suffered many tragedies and disasters. What I mean with tragedies and disasters are those inescapable and sometimes unexpected events that were caused by nature or human that brings suffering towards human. Indonesia has suffered a lot of them during the past decade. We can name several big events that shocked the world such as tsunami in Aceh and Nias, earthquake in Nias, earthquake in Jogyakarta, place crashed at Manado Ocean, ship sink, and many more. These events have made the nations mourn and spent a lot of energy in recovering.

        The overwhelming period of continuous disasters has turned the people into a survival mode. People don’t have time to think about the ‘why’ question and will instantly have the ‘how to’ question. The pain and trauma are so intense that people sometimes didn’t know what had hit them. However these wounds will not be healed because they are distracted and turned to a ’survival’ mode. These questions will rise, sooner or later, when people have time to think about what had happened. I would argue that one of the ways of dealing with trauma is by talking about them instead of trying to bury them in the past. This is exactly why I want to address the ‘why’ question in this context. Continue Reading »

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Matius 23:1-12

        Bekerja paruh waktu sebagai seorang pelayan di sebuah restoran Indonesia di Belanda banyak menambah pengetahuan saya mengenai citra seorang pelayan dan melayani dalam arti yang sesungguhnya. Di beberapa kesempatan, ketika saya melayani grup tamu dari Indonesia, mereka akan mengajak saya bercakap-cakap untuk mengetahui apa yang sedang saya lakukan di Amsterdam. Ketika mereka mengetahui apa ‘profesi’ saya yang sesungguhnya, seorang calon pendeta yang sedang menjalani studi doktoral, perlakuan mereka menjadi ‘sedikit berbeda’. Kadang, mereka jadi menolak untuk saya layani dengan alasan ‘segan’. Sikap mereka yang merasa segan membuat saya ingat kembali bagaimana orang memperlakukan para pelayan gereja di banyak tempat. Meskipun bergelar ‘pelayan Kristus’ tindakan yang ditunjukkan justru memperlihatkan sebaliknya.

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“When Will I see You Again” performed by Barry Manilow

Last night I waved goodbye; Now it seems years

I’m back in the city; Where nothing is clear
But thoughts of me holding you; Bringing us near; And tell me

When will our eyes meet?When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearning end?
And when will I hold you again?

Time in New England; Took me away

To long, rocky beaches; And you by the bay
We started a story Whose end must now wait
And tell me

When will our eyes meet?When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearning end?
And when will I hold you again?

I feel the change coming; I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring; I feel my blood flow

With you, I could bring out all the love that I have
With you, there’s a heaven so earth ain’t so bad
And tell me

When will our eyes meet?When can I touch you?
When will this strong yearning end?
And when will I hold you . . . . again?

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Tonight, I feel so overwhelmed by the facts that God is taking good care of me. I know that I sometimes wanted to run away for a while, or complain and whine all the time, but once again God showed me that God indeed is taking care of me. H All I have to do is trust God and do my best for God will do the rest. He answered my financial cry, my questions on my relationship, and helped me found the right idea to write on my dissertation. I may not be the best servant God has, but I will try to leave my life in God’s caring hand and arrangement. As I was indeed crying for help, God talked to me. I heard this song on my computer, unexpectedly. I sang the song feeling, humble, awe, and great gratitude. God is taking good care of me.

Be not dismayed whate’er betide

Be not dismayed whate’er betide,
God will take care of you!
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you!

God will take care of you,
Through every day o’er all the way;
He will take care of you;
God will take care of you!

Through days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you!
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you!

All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you!
Trust Him, and you will be satisfied,
God will take care of you!

Lonely and sad, from friends apart,
God will take care of you!
He will give peace to your aching heart,
God will take care of you!

No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you!
Lean, weary one, upon His breast,
God will take care of you!

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This was taken on September 28th, during PPI Amsterdam unofficial fast breaking. My first time seeing myself sing like this and being recorded without realizing it. I stopped when I knew that I was being recorded hahahaha… Thanks to Ardho!

oh, and I cooked some food too.. Continue Reading »

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Dear friends,

Paul, Ricken, Graziela, Ben, Galit and the whole Avaaz team

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At first, I couldn’t care less about this post, but two friends: Ulma, and Wazeen tagged me, so I will post this now but will not tag others… sorry guys

Rules :

# Each blogger must post these rules
# Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves
# Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. (buzzzz…. you’ll be dissapointed… I’m stopping the madness here)
# Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog (err, you’re wrong again; see my previous comment).

My 8 Habits:

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