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CRAP WE GOT IN THE MAIL


A Video on Foot Fungus
"Fungus-free nails are a bare necessity" claims the pamphlet that comes with this truly disturbing video, which just shows the level of privilege we've become accustomed to in this county. You're not likely, for instance, to see "Toenail Fungus Ravages Bosnia" splashed across the front page of your local daily metropolitan newspaper, but around here it comes under the same category as clean drinking water. The video goes on at great length about how wonderful it is to finally be able to display your previously-disgusting toenails in public, but the explicit discussion of fungus infection is nearly enough to turn me off to the idea of feet in general. D

LEGO Mania Magazine
The first thing that caught my eye on the cover of this catalog-slash-magazine devoted to LEGO Brand Building Block Toys That You Have To Pry Apart With Your Teeth is the little samurai LEGO guy saying "Holy-Cow! That flying ninja has our awesome, cool and hip secret treasure!" It's difficult to imagine what a samurai might be guarding that would qualify as hip. Judging from the picture, the latest thing capturing the attention of the nation's cutting-edge trendsetters must be little shiny pieces of plastic that are supposed to look like coins. Huh. Still, it's LEGO. A-

Bear and Doll Supply Catalog
So I know what all my friends are getting for Christmas. Bear noses! Bear noses for all! That or vinyl grandma heads! What could be more heartwarming than to come downstairs on Christmas morning to find a hundred bulk bear noses and a couple vinyl grandma heads waiting for you? Disembodied pixie legs, maybe? Well, they have all those and much, much more in this wonderful catalog. I have great and eerie plans for the little boxes that say "ma-ma" when you turn them over. A

Mail-Order Bride Directory
I don't know what sort of wacky-ass mailing list I'm on. Did someone sign me up for this, or is the logic something like "This guy has a Web page. Ergo, he has to import potential mates from former USSR nations."? The cover says "Great Pricing!" One page features four women named Olga. Olga Alpha likes "art, musik, nature, travel, cosy home." Olga Beta is looking for "caring person who likes to spoil lady." Olga Gamma is a student of "radioecology" and wants a "well-build" man. And Olga Delta is "seeking a loving romantic relationship with someone who values love." And that's just the tip of the Olga iceberg. This catalog is chock full of Olgas, who I'm sure are warm and intelligent human beings. But it's still a lot of Olgas. D-

Garage Door Pamphlet and Stickers
This is a work of marketing genius. They give you this pamphlet advertising these safety-oriented garage doors -- including a rather vivid demonstration involving a crushed pretzel as a finger stand-in -- and then, because they care, they provide you with a bunch of stickers to put on and around your present garage door, stickers which say, in essence, "CAUTION: THIS DOOR WILL KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE." Very nice. C+

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Copyright 2003 Lore Sjoberg