Marten Reed
Our titular hero, only he's not really titular and he's not really a hero. He lives with Faye and Pintsize. He's passive and doubtful of himself by nature, but he's working on it. Marten recently lost his job as an Office Bitch and is now employed at the Smif College Library. He likes mopey indie rock. He plays in a band with Nat and Amir.

Faye Whitaker
Faye lives with Marten and Pintsize, but is originally from Savannah, Georgia. She has severe psychological issues stemming from a traumatic incident in her past (see story arc starting at strip #500 for the full story). Faye is usually snarky, sometimes violent, and extremely protective of Marten. Faye gots issues.

Dora Bianchi
Dora is the Owner/Operator of Coffee of Doom, the coffee shop where Faye and Raven currently work and where Marten spends most of his free time. She owns a pet cat named Mieville. Dora is a somewhat-reformed goth who retains a yen for dark clothing and angry music. She's assertive and confident, yet contains an inner core of self-doubt and anxiety. Dora is frequently too nice for her own good.

Pintsize is an AnthroPC- basically a walking, talking computer with a personality. He enjoys eating cake mix and other unhealthy things, and is a frequent source of mischief and mayhem. He has a weakness against duct tape, and lives with Marten and Faye.

Raven is an old acquaintance of Dora's who used to be goth but is now sort of trendy/emo/whatever. It is uncertain whether Raven is a total dimwit or simply a little slow on the uptake. It is also possible that this is an act and she is far smarter than she appears.

Steve is Marten's best male friend. Formerly dating Ellen. Steve is generally good natured, and much more adept with the lady-folk than Marten. Which isn't really saying all that much.

Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham
Hannelore is the slightly creepy upstairs neighbor of Marten and Faye. She has severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Counts things for a living. She repeatedly falls asleep on Marten's couch, but otherwise she's a chronic insomniac. She may or may not be stalking Marten.

Marten's coworker/boss at the Smif College library. Evidently a lesbian and evidently perfectly happy to make out with multiple ladies at once, Tai's love life is...complicated. She's a huge fan of Jimbo's books.

Penelope Gaines
Former bookstore employee shanghaid into working at Coffee of Doom by Dora and Faye. Easily bullied but can display unexpected sass when provoked. May or may not be Pizza Girl's secret identity.


Hannelore's Apple AnthroPC model- basically an overgrown, sentient iPod. Winslow means well but is very naive and prone to corruption by Pintsize.

Formerly dated Steve, now somethign of a pariah of Marten's social group. She lives with Natasha. The youngest member of the cast at 18 years of age (barely). She's currently studying philosophy and marine biology in college- reading Kierkegaard to dolphins etc.

Natasha likes hardcore and metal. Currently living with Ellen, she is presumably also in college. Natasha is bad at making personal decisions as related to her hygiene and hairstyling. She has an undetermined number of tattoos and body piercings. Currently dating Amir and in a band with Amir and Marten.

Amir Afridi
Amir was kicked in the face by Natasha at a Converge show. They are currently dating and in a band with Marten.

Sven Bianchi
Sven is Dora's older brother. He makes his living writing awful songs for country singers. Sven is also something of a ladies' man. Very tall and skinny. Raven wants in his pants.

Angus McPhee
Formerly known as Argument Guy. A regular patron of Coffee of Doom who visits mainly to antagonize Faye, whom he may have romantic feelings for. Angus is still largely a mystery.

Veronica Reed, AKA Veronica Vance
Marten's mother, who was a former fetish queen a la Bettie Page and went by the stage name Veronica Vance. Veronica's extremely intimidating to Faye and most other humans, although Dora idolizes her.

Mrs. Whitaker
Faye and Amanda's mother. She really needs to lay off the sweet tea.

Amanda Whitaker
Faye's little sister, who flunked out of college and came out of the closet nigh-simultaneously, much to her mother's chagrin. Slightly more malicious of wit than her older sister.

Jimbo is a former construction worker turned successful romance novelist. He's the drinking buddy of Marten and Steve (and anyone else who may happen to be around). Excellent choice in facial hair.

Marten's former boss at his "office bitch" job, Scott seems rather relaxed and freewheeling for somebody in middle management. Drinks good bourbon.

Dora's pet cat. Apparently he has murderous tendencies. It is unclear whether he approves of Marten or not, or whether he has committed any murders.

Pizza Girl
Is she a normal delivery girl forced to wear a stupid costume by her employer, or an actual superhero whose power pertains to delivering pizzas? It is currently uncertain.

Tequila Monster
A 9-foot-tall, purple spotted weasel in a sombrero. It is unclear whether he is merely a hallucination or some sort of metaphysical entity.

Sara was a former employee at Coffee of Doom. Word on the street is she was eaten by an allosaurus.