My mother is dying. I can’t deny it any longer. I spent last night on a cot in her hospital room and listened as she struggled for breath despite wearing a non-rebreather, a mask that pumps pure oxygen into her nose and mouth. She still can’t get enough breath. She’s very, very tired of the struggle. This afternoon, the nurses started palliative care – a Foley catheter, so she doesn’t have to get out of bed to use the commode, and a morphine pump to help her relax.

My brother flew in from Seattle and is taking a turn at her bedside while I have a few good cries, take a shower, pack a change of clothes, hug the dog and cat, phone a few family members, and prepare for the night. Mama could go at any moment or struggle on for weeks, though the former seems a lot more likely than the latter. We’ll discuss moving her to hospice tomorrow if she survives the night.

Her illness seems to be a second bout of pneumonia caused perhaps by aspirating some of the material she threw up early Tuesday morning, but the doctors are only guessing. Although her fever is down, she says she feels hot and wants to have ice chips in her mouth. This afternoon, she said she was very disappointed that her breathing wasn’t getting any better. What an understatement!

She’s perfectly lucid and cracked a couple of jokes this morning because she seemed to rally and felt better. She wanted her  hair brushed and her teeth brushed. She requested a bath. She wanted her contact and hearing aids in so she could see and hear my brother. But like yesterday, she’s gone steadily downhill all day. It’s only a matter of time until she’ll be unable to rally again. It’s so hard for her to struggle for life. It’s hard to watch her struggle. It’s just plain hard.

My son and daughter visited their grandma today while I went to my senior exercise class at noon. At that time, I hadn't accepted how close to death she is. Now I have. Now I'm dealing with the process as best I can. It's painful.

Training log: Senior exercise – 1 hour.

R&R log: Nothing today.

My mother’s a sick old lady these days, but I think her spit and vinegar will pull her through this illness. Also, as a long-time feminist who succeeded in the male-dominated world of academe and who supports women candidates, she wants to be around to vote for Hillary Clinton on March 4. Her support for Clinton surprises me because she used to be a staunch Republican. I fervently hope she gets her wish to vote for a woman because doing so would make her very happy. Her being alive will make me happy.

I feel much better today after a good night’s sleep, some healthful food, and the senior exercise class. I didn’t go to my running group tonight because I didn’t want to leave my mother. In fact, I requested a cot so I could spend the night, but she kicked me out, saying that she’d be fine. Well, she’s not fine, but she has excellent nursing care this evening. The day staffers were less stressed out than they were yesterday, and she was well cared for today.

Well, I’m still tired, though less frustrated than I was yesterday. Maybe I can catch a half hour of pure, relaxing downtime before heading for bed.

Training log: Senior exercise – 1  hour.

R&R: Nothing yet but downtime planned.

My mother is back in the hospital, though maybe not with pneumonia. I think she’ll be okay, but I don’t know what the diagnosis will be. All I know is that I got a call from the Healthcare Center at 4:00 a.m. requesting permission to transport her by ambulance to the emergency room. I readily agreed, though I wasn’t quite able to follow the nurse’s explanation of her symptoms, partly because of the medical terminology and partly because of his accent.

So I fed the dog and cat, having a hunch that I’d be away from the house all day, and met her in the ER at 4:30. Poor thing was really suffering with vomiting and diarrhea on top of all the coughing she’s been doing. The good folks in the ER got her stabilized and cleaned up in record time. Fortunately the vomiting and diarrhea didn’t last long.

Around 9:30, when I saw that she would definitely be admitted to the hospital but not right away, I went to Healthcare and moved all of her personal belongings to her apartment in a different wing of the building. I made a little care package of the things I knew she’d need in the hospital – dentures, hearing aids, slippers, glasses, contact lens, and cleansers. By the time I got back around 11:00, she had just been moved to a room.

The day went downhill from there. Unlike last week, when patient care was excellent, today she couldn’t get a single thing unless I tracked down a nurse or clinical assistant and demanded it. Several times I sneaked around and got the blankets, towels, wet wipes, or undergarments she needed. For three hours, she didn’t get so much as a chip of ice. Finally, I stood there and made the nurse call the doctor to see if my mother could at least get some liquids into her body to prevent dehydration since no one had even connected an IV to the port she got in the ER. Oh, yes. A liquid diet would be fine. Fine! Why didn’t you make the call the first three times I asked you? The doctor still hasn’t been in to examine her, but he’s supposed to drop by tonight. Great.

The only reasons I left her this evening are, first, that the night staff began providing adequate care and, second, that I was exhausted after my 14-hour shift. Nursing is definitely hard work, and I hate to criticize the day staff, but when it takes four attempts to get someone to start a much needed breathing treatment that had been ordered hours and hours ago, criticism is appropriate. The poor overworked day folks were very sweet and said they would help her as soon as they could, but they never did unless I got right in their faces and made demands.

Well, I’m tired and frustrated. I really have to work tomorrow, though I didn’t mind canceling everyone today. I’ll make an early night of it and go to the hospital about noon tomorrow. However, I’ll phone my mother’s room later tonight and at some point in the morning. Somebody has to be her advocate in this crazy system..

Training log: Nothing.

R&R log: Nothing.

This shoulder injury probably isn’t a tear in the muscle, only a strain. It’s better today, so I won’t be able to get the instant relief of a cortisone shot. Instead, I’ll have to tough it out as it heals. No matter how inconvenient it is to carry ice packs around, carry them I must because icing an injury is a very good idea. No matter how painful it feels if I’m not careful, I still have to exercise the arm and shoulder just a little to keep a good supply of blood, oxygen, and nutrients flowing to the area. Later on, I can do a little bit of rehab.

Another thing I need to tough out is my mother’s on-again-off-again recovery. Yesterday she was feeling great and was in high spirits. Today, her cough was back and she felt a bit worse. I’d hoped she would make steady progress. She’s having to tough out her illness, but she’s hanging in there. Today, though, there was no talk of running away from the Health Care Center. She knows she needs to be there for a while.

Well, things will work out for the better one of these days. She’ll get well enough to go back to her apartment, and my shoulder will heal well enough for me to resume swimming and strength training. Everything will be all right.  

Training log: Senior exercise – 1 hour.

R&R log: Nothing today.

I fell off my bike today and landed hard on my left forearm and elbow. But you should have seen the bike! The left handlebar was bent inward at an odd and uncomfortable angle. I jumped right up, assessed my situation, and felt that I could continue. My left elbow sustained a small abrasion, but my left shoulder and upper arm may have a pretty bad muscle strain. I hope that’s all it is. There’s no pain as long as my left elbow is beside my waist. Both reaching forward and raising my arm out to the side hurt a lot. I’ve been icing it for 20 minutes each hour. If that doesn’t cure the problem in a couple of days, I’ll go to the doctor and beg for a cortisone shot. I won’t wait six months the way I did for the rotator cuff tear in my right shoulder several years ago. That took forever to get over.

Since my daughter had gotten considerably ahead of me this morning, I had to pedal hard to catch up. When she noticed that I wasn’t in sight, though, she circled back for me and waited for me to catch up. At that time, I didn’t think much about the shoulder and upper arm injury, but by the time we arrived at the parking lot, I realized I’d received a real injury. Hope it won’t sideline me for long because I certainly can’t swim like this. As for running, I won’t be able to pump my arms very much, but there’s no reason I can’t get the feet and legs moving. Tomorrow, though, I’ll take a day of rest except for senior exercise. For that class, I’ll have to use my right arm and severely modify my arm motions on the left.

Later today, on my way to visit my mother in Health Care, I dropped by the bike shop to see if the handlebar could be moved back into place. It certainly could, and now it’s fine. When the technician asked how the fall happened, I remembered pushing off after stopping for a car to go by and recalled that the gears had gone mushy. Instead of a good strong downstroke as I intended, I found my left foot and pedal rushing for the road. Then I flat out lost my balance. The good folks at the bike shop took a look at the gears and saw that they did indeed need some adjusting. So now the bike is fine. I wish I could be “fixed” so easily.

The good news today is that my mother is much better. She’s already plotting to run away from the nursing home wing and go check on things in her apartment. This action is absolutely not allowed, needless to say, but she’s planning to sneak away anyhow. It’s a good sign that she’s getting feisty again. For a week, she just lay there in the bed, not feeling up to much of anything. She’s so tough it’s no wonder she’s lived to 93 and has every likelihood of being around for quite a few more years. More power to her!.

Training log: Bicycling – 34 miles.

R&R log: Enjoying being outdoors while bicycling – 2.5 hours.