Racial Holy War (1st Edition)

The Premise


For too long, the "Fucking Ignorant Moron" market has remained untapped by RPG makers, but at long last, half-literate greasy survivalists everywhere have a game that disgraces humanity and sentience in general as much as they do. Now, these wastes of skin can role-play their "racially conscious" paranoid fantasies of exterminating race traitors, exterminating non-Christians, exterminating homosexuals, exterminating people who disagree with them, exterminating people with three-digit IQs, exterminating anyone else who looks in their general direction, and (of course) exterminating all those racial minorities that vaguely threaten God's pure white race. You know, general waste of skin stuff.

Oh, and it's a free RPG, too, just in case you thought the suck factor needed even more of a head start.


The Analysis


You'll notice that most of the RPGs slammed (or even mentioned) on this site, while awful, still have redeeming features.

No matter how much they fail, how monumentally execrable they may be in the end, how much they may inspire you to track down their creators and personally shove a taser set to "charbroil" up their asses, they still have at least one thing you can point at (however desperately) and say "Well, this part was actually kinda nice". Imagine's production values. SenZar's rules system. deadEarth's editing. How Legacy drew the line at Highlander 2. Multiverser's...let's see here, Multiverser...uh...we'll come back to that one.

Racial Holy War has no redeeming features.

It is an achievement of seemingly infinite worthlessness, a ridiculously diseased depiction of the moronic "master race" fantasy generally held by all people whose IQs begin with a decimal point. Its concept and setting are (naturally) contemptible beyond the limits of sane tolerance, and even its rules are stupid to the point that it is, in fact, impossible to determine if an attack can even hit. Most bad games are merely a waste of time and effort, but Racial Holy War adds the dimension of mindlessly glorifying the same bigoted mindset that has led to countless atrocities, wars, and tragedies.

It is, in short, an epic piece of shit.


Ignoramia

Racial Holy War begins with a setting description that, despite being a mere four paragraphs long, manages to describe a post-apocalypse so mind-numbingly inane it makes deadEarth look appealing.

Basically, the "despicable" non-White races and their "malicious" Jewish leaders have overrun every continent and decimated the "superior" White race to a tiny minority, but not to fear! A growing army of Fucking Ignorant Morons – er, excuse me, "White Warriors" – are determined to protect the "beautiful" White Women and cleanse the world of "vermin". Their "Racial Holy War" will ensure a triumphant, inevitable victory!

Oh, where to begin?

First off, the superficial crap. Oh, wait...racism is all superficial crap. Okay, the extremely superficial crap: when did "beautiful" become an automatic feature of being white and female? I've seen some downright hideous excuses for femininity – nearly all of them white – in my day, and I'd like to know if some magical act of God somehow sexy-fied all this when I wasn't looking.

Okay, no, it didn't. I guess the designer of this game and his followers have just spent so long fucking their own mothers and inbreeding that they've lost the ability to discern normal-looking white women from hairy, web-toed, horribly mutated white women.

Of course, I think it's also cute that the mighty, "superior" White race managed to get its ass kicked off every continent by "vermin" more or less overnight. Ooooh, yeah, that makes us look real "superior". Perhaps for an encore, us cracker-asses can have "shaving cream fumes" cause us to forget our knowledge of technology and revert to cavemen. I guess "superior" is just supposed to mean white is a cooler-looking color than brown or red or (in some unfortunate cases) translucent.

Oh, no, wait. Most Jewish people have white skin, and no Fucking Ignorant Moron would dare claim the title of "White Warrior" before labeling Jews as the worst of the "vermin", so that can't be it.

Maybe the "superior"-ness comes from God's endorsement, as would be implied by the "Holy" in "Racial Holy War". But that opens the question of why God would allow His (cough, cough) chosen ones to have their asses so flagrantly and totally handed to them by "vermin". No wait, before that, it opens the question of why God even created the "vermin" to begin with, or allows them to continue to exist. Can you imagine?

Fucking Ignorant Moron: "Hooray! A divine revelation!"

God: "My son, in the near future, I will allow the racial 'vermin' to slaughter almost all of you, even though very few of them have any real motive for doing so. I think I'll even let the Hebrews – mind you, the chosen ones I already have – lead them while they're doing this. But don't worry. Instead of getting so pissed off that I smite the whole planet – as I have also done in the past – I'll just quietly endorse you and many of your brothers-slash-uncles (heh, heh) as you all go about the long, arduous process of exterminating what will be pretty much the entire population of the world."

Fucking Ignorant Moron: "Fucking hell! If I hadn't of inhaled so much Draino a few minutes ago, I'd realize what an unbelievable bastard you are! Especially from OUR position."

God: "Yes, and if you weren't such a fucking ignorant moron, you wouldn't have been inhaling Draino. Or fucking your mother. Or failing to notice that Jesus couldn't possibly have been white. It's all a vicious cycle."

Fucking Ignorant Moron: "Don't worry, God. I won't let it stop me from being belligerent and paranoid, or feeding on the fear and ignorance of white people who need a scapegoat for their resentment."

Even discounting Draino-inhaling or inbreeding-related brain disorders, though, I guess you can't blame the Fucking Ignorant Morons for feeling violent and paranoid. I mean, when you think about it, what chances for advancement have white people had in the free world? Oh, wait. Pretty much all of them.

But you definitely can't blame them for feeling oppressed, what with all the atrocities the "vermin" have committed throughout history. Oh, wait. If we look at history, we see that most racial minorities – particularly blacks, Jews, and native americans – were royally fucked over by western civilization at one point or another, often for centuries on end.

Oh, excuse me, not the Jews. I'm sure that if he could have fit it into the game, Racial Holy War's designer would have been sure to remind us that the Holocaust never happened, whatever all the evidence and witness accounts in the world might say. I'm equally sure that in another few generations, his Fucking Ignorant Moron brethren will also deny that slavery ever happened, or that North America ever had an indigenous, non-White population.

And I'm sure that if I could have fit it into this review, I'd have been sure to explain that Holocaust revisionism doesn't even begin to make sense, even from the Fucking Ignorant Moron point of view. Here we have what could be considered a major victory for the Fucking Ignorant Morons over thirteen million of their "oppressors" (yes, only six million Jews, but I'm going to assume that all the homosexuals, gypsies, anti-Nazi political prisoners, Poles and assorted others would also be counted as active threats to the Fucking Ignorant Moron race)...and they want us to believe it never happened. Even as they scream for and have hallucinations about and write fucking moron games like Racial Holy War about yet further genocide.

Is that even remotely logical? Even for what usually passes for Fucking Ignorant Moron thought?

Oh, wait. THAT'S the problem, isn't it? I've been looking at all this bullshit using logic. How unfair of me.

After the shaving cream fume-induced divine revelation of Racial Holy War's setting, we are treated to explanations of what adventures and the gamemaster (or "Warmaster") are:

A good Warmaster is therefore usually intelligent with a good, creative imagination.

Mmmmm...I bet. Here's another good one:

Some possible adventures could include killing a perfidious jew who is ruining the world through the media, stopping a gang of niggers who are terrorizing Whites, destroying a drug cartel run by awful latrinos [sic] etc.

Exciting, huh? Maybe my next adventure will include finding and beating the shit out of some Fucking Ignorant Morons who are giving the White race (and, by extension, me) a very bad name. I'll start with their houses – the kind of dipshits who buy into these stereotypes have generally never been outside them.


Characters, or "Running Like A Pussy Because You're Fucking Outnumbered By Old Women"

As many of us know, free RPGs aren't generally a cornucopia of well designed or "awesome" rules systems. In fact (unless some free RPG renaissance happened when I wasn't looking), most free RPGs seem to suck outright. Sure, there are ass-kicking exceptions, but for every Fudge or Age of Heroes or some damn thing Jared Sorensen pulled out of his ass, I could show you ten piles of crap like FATAL or Heritage.

Racial Holy War can give rim jobs with the lamest of them. From character creation to combat to...well, that's about all it's got, this game's rules are as boring and deeply ill thought-out as its shitnoodle ideology.

But hey, character creation. Right away, we are treated to evidence of how some Fucking Ignorant Morons just might lack the "creative imagination" needed to hack it as Warmasters:

Step 1: The first step in creating a White Warrior is to decide on a name (could be one's own), height, weight, and any other description to add flavor to a character. This could be saying he has blonde hair and blue eyes or has tattoos or whatever else is within reason.

Hee hee. "Within reason". Sure.

Anyway, character creation uses a point system, with the points being divided among attributes. I can't help but wonder what "Heroism" and "Honor Level" are doing as traits in this game, but hey. Fucking Ignorant Morons are a strange and mysterious people, and you can't necessarily expect them to have the same ideals of honor and heroism as the non-decimal point IQ'ed.

Another Fucking Ignorant Moron ideal, of course, is half-assed game design.

For example, we are told that Power helps us carry more weight, but nowhere are we shown any modifiers or, indeed, how much we are supposed to be able to carry. It's the same deal with all the other attributes. High Dexterity makes us shoot faster, but how much faster is a mystery to us both. High Health increases hit points when we level up, and Charisma supposedly increases starting money (why?), but those, too, are quickly forgotten.

Gosh, maybe someone should have told the designer that gamers generally expect the basic rules for RPGs to be finished. This flaw is especially crippling when you consider how Fucking Ignorant Morons have a lot of trouble thinking on their own, and probably won't realize the modifiers are their call, instead spending hours dumbly flipping through the Racial Holy War printout and going "What the fuck?"

Ironically, the only attributes that are of any use are Intimidation, the aforementioned Heroism, and (get ready) Intelligence and Wisdom.

You would wonder why in hell Intelligence and Wisdom are listed in this game, since the average Fucking Ignorant Moron would have them both at 3 (this is a 30 point scale), but I presume that the designer scaled these attributes to the FIM level (thus, most Fucking Ignorant Morons could have around 10-15, even though a normal person would now be around 45). Never one to buck trends, the designer mentions Wisdom and Intelligence modifiers for gun accuracy and gained experience and other crap, but never bothers to explain them. The reason they are useful is that you have to roll a d20 under them when you need to know or figure out things.

Not that there's going to be a lot of that, considering how your character's enemies are basically everyone else on the planet. In fact, the designer's amusing example (Sherlock fails to follow footprints in the mud because there's a basic -20 penalty...yes, it isn't mentioned WHY such a simple task would have such a huge penalty, so we can only assume that Sherlock is high off his ass or just had a lobotomy) subtly downplays the importance of using your mind. Kudos for knowing your target audience, guy.

So, yeah, I guess Intelligence and Wisdom are largely worthless, too.

Heroism and Intimidation tie into a weird mechanic where, when you get into a fight, both sides' combined Intimidations are totaled up, and the winning side can give the losers penalties, depending on how much higher the winners' Intimidation is over the losers' combined Heroism. If the winners' total Intimidation is five times higher, the losers will panic and run like hell!

No mention is made of modifiers from circumstance, of course, so we can presume that the Nazis in all those concentration camps, vastly outnumbered by their victims, would have had no choice but to flee if a riot broke out. Instead of, you know, just using their guns and crap. It's also obvious that a Fucking Ignorant Moron with a machine gun and average Intimidation/Heroism will be automatically routed by five or more attacking Jews with average Intimidation, even if they're all old women without weapons.

Who looks like the "superior" race in that last scenario?

So, yeah, Heroism and Intimidation have their suck factors maxed out, too. Unless the only people your party ever attacks are gimps (who still don't outnumber you too much) or outnumbered by you.

Fucking weak.

After all those worthless attributes and ghost-shit modifiers, we get into classes, which, of course, determine the particular slant of your Fucking Ignorant Moron-ness. The classes are awesome beyond description, assuming you're some primitive whose village has spent history in Stone Age isolation and have never seen RPGs or flashing lights or writing before.

Otherwise, they're the same pedestrian crap you've seen in five million other class/level RPGs. Pick your class (hint: Athlete). Get your bonuses (hint: Athletes get +10 HP per fucking level). Spend points on new skills and improvements when you level up. Watch chainsaws and tac-nukes bounce off your forehead in a few levels, because you picked Athlete and have 100 more hit points than everyone else. Yawn.

Then we've got the skills section. Despite being defined earlier as "the amount of knowledge a character holds", Wisdom has absolutely no effect on how many skills you start with, or how good you are with the ones you have. On the other hand, unlike most attributes, your skill levels actually DO matter, as actual modifiers and percentages have been listed. Hooray!

Oh, wait. This game still blows.

Mmmmm...Clothesmaking skill. Woo...we can make our own Swastika shirts! Oooh, oooh! Can I?

Oooh, Computer Hacking skill. "This skill allows the character to do hack computers. This means accessing restricting sites, creating viruses etc." Maybe there should have been a Writing skill: "This skill allows designer to not look dumbass. This means knowing propering sentence construction, not using incorrect words etc."

Food Scavenging skill. So nice of the designer to actually list how many HP-restoring food units you can find with each level. Apparently food is equally available in all terrain types, from ruined cities to barren deserts and ocean surfaces. It's also nice of the designer to never explain how much HP a unit of food restores.

Holy Books of Creativity skill. Wow, the ability to read the "White Man's Bible" and other racist propaganda and get HP back from being so "soothed and inspired". (Please note that this skill is useless for characters with 45+ Intelligence.)


Combat, or "How To Get Your Cracker-Ass Kicked Because Your Bullet Is Just Hanging There Because No One Knows If It Can Even Fucking Hit"

Of course, the real meat of Racial Holy War would be guns and combat. We're told there are three types of guns available: pistols, assault rifles, and shotguns.

Pretty low key, given the focus of the game. I guess we won't be pretending to blow away the "vermin" with grenade launchers or rocket launchers or SMGs or any other such heroic, ass-kicking crap.

Yeah, I said pretending. After a humorously inept description of gun skills that makes it seem like the guns themselves are the ones gaining experience and levels, I realize that nowhere in this document are any actual guns listed or described. No damage, no ROF, no mods, no clip sizes, nothing.

But worse than that, goddamn Accuracy is never set down.

Yep. Your Fucking Ignorant Moron's chance to succeed with an attack isn't listed anywhere in the text. Oh, sure, there are accuracy modifiers from your gun skill, class, and (supposedly) what gun you have, but what basic chance you're applying them to evidently went right out the designer's head (with the rest of his brain cells) when he took up butane huffing on the side.

So, next to the image of machine-gun toting Fucking Ignorant Morons pissing themselves and fleeing when the old women appear in mass, we now have Fucking Ignorant Morons sitting around their RPG table, describing their "heroic" alter-egos opening fire on the lone black girl or whoever, rolling their dice to hit, and...

Warmaster: So, did you hit?

Fucking Ignorant Moron #1: I rolled a [counts on his fingers] 52.

Warmaster: Yeah, so is that under your Accuracy?

Fucking Ignorant Moron #1: [scans over character sheet] Well, uh, I had +17 worth of shit to Accuracy, and...

Warmaster: So what's your total Accuracy, then? C'mon, shitweasel. You're holding up the fooking game. RAHOWA!

Fucking Ignorant Moron #1: It's not on here. What the fuck did I start at, anyway?

Warmaster: [stares blankly at him]

Warmaster: [flips through the Racial Holy War printout for ten minutes]

Warmaster: [stares blankly at FIM #1 again]

Fucking Ignorant Moron #2: Hey, does it say anywhere what MINE is?

Of course, when we get to the enemies section (and yes, the misspelling "latrino" is continued throughout), we see that each enemy race has its own special attack. I'll ignore the supremely idiotic descriptions of each race (yeah, "gooks" so desperately wish they were white, don't they?) to point out that "kikes", for example, can attempt to bribe Fucking Ignorant Morons into missing a turn.

Which, even beyond the racist stereotype, is totally fucking stupid. What kind of shit-for-brains soldier stops in the middle of a firefight to lose his turn accepting a bribe? Especially when he could just shoot the briber and take the money off their corpse?

Yep. A Fucking Ignorant Moron.

Interestingly, the designer explains that the bribe attack works because of "brain pollution" caused by "years of lying, manipulation, and outright debauchery". But...aren't the Fucking Ignorant Morons the only ones the "kikes" would ever use this attack against?

What is the designer trying to say here? That only his "heroic" White Warriors are "brain polluted" enough to have such an idiotic weakness?

The idiocy, of course, does not even begin to end there. "Gooks", due to watching "fake martial arts movies", can attempt to get free martial arts attacks. Which makes me wonder why they get anything, if the martial arts movies are fake. "Niggers", according to the designer, exude a strong smell that can lower your Accuracy. Naturally, I have no idea where the shitnoodle got that idea from, but then, I've actually met black people before, so what the fuck do I know?

Then we have "sand niggers", whose militant Islamic faith inspires their special attack of strapping on bombs so they can run up to a Fucking Ignorant Moron and explode.

Yeah, that's SO much less heroic than, oh, the Fucking Ignorant Morons themselves and their White Man's Bible-inspired special attacks of "Not Being Able To Ever Hit Anything" and "Being Vulnerable To Just Standing There And Picking Their Asses When A Jew Waves 50 Credits At Them".

It all gets funnier when you notice that the racial special attacks are all very clearly explained, complete with chances to succeed and definite results. Even better, they're always resolved in a special phase of the combat round, before normal attacks can happen.

When you take THAT into consideration with the aforementioned Fucking Ignorant Moron "brain pollution" and "I can't fucking HIT anything" and "Fuck Intimidation/Heroism if we can be outnumbered by snarling infants" problems, the thought occurs that maybe the designer is secretly pro-tolerance and wrote this game to make Fucking Ignorant Morons look as stupid as possible.

The other thought, of course, is that he lacks the brains evolution gave to septic tank bacteria.


End Game

In his conclusion, the designer explains that Racial Holy War was created so his comrades can experience the fantasy of being a dedicated White Warrior.

Which, given how his rules work, must be much like being a severely brain-damaged Jewish streetwalker, too lacking in mental functioning to make proper use of any natural strength or speed or even operate a weapon.

Far from making me realize the inevitability (let alone the point) of a Racial Holy War and the resulting glorious White Empire, Racial Holy War only swallows its own bullshit by making the white race – and above all the Fucking Ignorant Morons – look as impotent and stupid as humanly imaginable. It really puts the "ho" in "RAHOWA!"

To any racial minorities who have (or will have) the irritation of seeing the colossal piece of shit that is Racial Holy War, I apologize on behalf of non-FIM white people everywhere. Please understand that not all of us suck this much.


Things I Learned From This Game


  • Some people are just too fucking stupid to live.
  • White Warriors are brain polluted enough to accept bribes during combats.
  • White Warriors can be distracted by strong smells.
  • Assault rifles have unlimited range.
  • Charisma determines your wages from working. Or, it would if you got wages from working.
  • Following footprints in the mud is really fucking difficult.
  • You can regain hit points by reading the Bible.
  • Video game mastery increases your speed and coordination.
  • You can "rouse" even yourself with an inspiring speech.


    Things To Watch For


    What, you still want to read this piece of shit? Just watch the entire thing. No, really.


    The Ratings


    Badness: Legendary
    To say that this game sucks would be an insult to oral sex.

    Idiot Hype Factor: Legendary
    Even if this game was never hyped, its target audience's idiot factor can give this rating a loaner.

    Munchkin Potential: Terrible
    I'll ask around, but I think most power-gamers require their characters to at least be able to finish an attack.

    Fun Value: Terrible
    If I wanted to role-play ignorant morons, I'd wait for Assemblies of God: the RPG.

    White Power: Poor
    Racial Holy War is so damn lame it even makes the white race look like shit.


    Related Links


    Official Site
    Woo hoo.

    Holocaust Links
    Links to information about the Holocaust. Remember, to forget is to repeat.

    Poisoning the Web
    An ADL listing of bigotry on the web. Make sure your player spent a lot of points on your "bullshit threshold" before you peruse this.

    HateWatch
    This would be the HateWatch that isn't actually a puppet of bigot groups, I think.

    The Last Exodus Official Site
    Playing Antichrists under the Horde in The Last Exodus RPG, while remotely, vaguely thematically similar, is vastly preferable to any possible Racial Holy War campaign, especially considering that a) TLE is only $15, and b) unlike the fine game we just examined, the SCS crew can actually game-design their way out of a scrotum.

    [Note from future Sartin: Except, of course, for damage. I will admit that the way an average human in TLE has something like a 70% chance of surviving three pistol shots does, in fact, kinda suck.]