Don't be afraid. . .be ready!

Before you continue to scroll down this page, please familiarize yourself with the helpful hints and tips for surviving a terrorist attack available on the Ready America site. The nice people at the Department of Homeland Security are clean and efficient. They want to give everyone an anti-terrorism doughnut.

Now set your plastic and duct tape aside for a bit and watch The Atomic Cafe. Now that you understand the nature of the problem, you may want to purchase real fallout shelter and something for home defense. If you're on a budget, you may the M-249 is a good choice. But if you understand that money is no object when it comes to the safety of your family, you may want to consider Neighborhood Nuclear Superiority.


Don't allow radiation sickness make you forget to synchronize your clocks. Check your local radio stations, laptop, or as a last resort, fire up that iMac in your closet.
Beware--some terrorists look like Michael Jackson and have an arsenal of clean white shirts.
If you haven't bought a phone since 1980, seek medical attention immediately.
There may be biological agents in that huge Aquanet can behind you. Don't run--it can smell your fear.
After an attack, consider the weight/value ratio of the things you're looting. Two of these items may be worth something in the post-nuclear wasteland.
If you have no face or genitals, you should still make an effort to eat and breathe.
Don't spend so much time thinking about biohazards that you ignore giant aerosol cans spraying your crotch.
Missouri is the designated whipping boy of the military. These three sites will be used to calibrate nuclear weapons.
Always wash your hands before using old phones.
Do not burn houses before looting.
Exit quickly or feel the sting of the pimp hand.
If you look like Michael Jackson, chloroform may be the answer.
If your right arm is on fire, do not run. Symmetry is much more appealing.
Do not offer anal sex to terrorists. You will regret it afterwards.
Do not fart if you are trapped in a confined space.
During an attack, every ounce of speed helps. Don't use the elevator--walk your fat ass up the stairs every once in a while.
You can't help this poor arrow. Move along, there's nothing to see here.
Although your family members may lose their face in the initial blast, be strong--little Bobby is counting on you for another pair of Capris.
If you see any of these signs, you may already be a winner.
Although the elevator may seem like a good way to escape, it's frequently completely surrounded by walls. Exit quickly before Evil Otto shows up.
When trapped in a confined space, you can pass time by making shadow puppets.
Do not shut the door on a fire. That just makes it angry.
Spray paint a briefcase white and put a Red Cross logo on it. After an attack, this will enable you to quickly access closed shelters for easy looting.
Make good use of your time after an attack. Use your tickets for the Blue Man Group as soon as possible.
If you see a terrorist arrow, pin it against a wall with your shoulder.
If you find yourself trapped, call the fire and rescue department immediately. If they are unable to save you with their ladders, they will provide a bong to ease your suffering.
If you spot an act of terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, just yell really loudly.
Only the penitent man will pass the test of methane.
If you're not familiar with shadow puppets, consider moving your flashlight around wildly and pretending you're at a nightclub.
If a blast happens to the south of your location, ignore the short routes to the north and east--terrorists are waiting there. Escape using the west route and drive until you reach San Francisco.
Congratulations! You made it past the velvet rope and you're on the way to the coolest looter party around.
It takes 5 minutes and 12 seconds for your brain to register that your crotch has been irradiated.
Where was it more fun to have sex the last time? Make your decision fast before the bomb hits.
In the event of an emergency, keep a bottle of cigarette butts available for use in bartering with wasteland mutants.
Be aware that terrorists are taught to pull the hand brake while they are riding as passengers. Many people are surprised to find out their high school buddy knows about this horrible, subversive tactic.
  Just say no to outdated clipart graphics.
Radiation has severe effects on 8-track players. If your Styx tape is not playing correctly, listen closely, the radiation may be causing it to eat your copy of Paradise Theater.
Although at first it may seem like a fun game of Road Blasters, it's always prudent to pull to the curb after firing a cruise missile.
Time travel is an excellent option after a terrorist attack. Remember, you must reach exactly 88 mph and hit the dangling power line in order for the flux capacitor to operate properly.
Know the terrorist by his bloodshot eyes and leprous hands. Many terrorists are also amateur comedians--Don't be thrown off guard by their feeble attempts at shadow puppets.
Think about it--biohazards, animal corpses, and hurricanes all have something in common.
Follow your penis to the nearest 3-story 10' high building. The tiny people inside are waiting to help you.
If you inhale vapors from your home meth lab, choke yourself and the feeling will pass.
If a biological incident happens to the north of your location, ignore the short routes to the south and west--terrorists are waiting there. Escape using the east route and drive until you reach Charleston.
When you approach a stairwell, be sure to burn a clip from your M-249 in the direction shown. Fire first--if they're down there, they're guilty.
Piles of rotting animals may mask the odor of a chemical attack. Clear your home of dead animals frequently.
Although it may be tempting, drug manufacturing is best handled by someone that didn't fail their chemistry final.
That street vendor's food is much nastier for you than you thought, but you continue to ignore the warning signs.
If you're dying, please do your fellow citizens a favor and do not soil the tidy white Red Cross tents. Die outside like a good American.
Although you may feel like hiding in the sheltered closet, this room has no exits. Dive into the contaminated area and get it over with.
Don't touch faucets--they may be contaminated with biological or radioactive agents. Use telekinesis to levitate the faucet and your armless hand, and then wash.
Escape route 1 is the obvious choice, but even if you're drunk and can't manage that, stumbling around (escape route 2) is a viable alternative.
If a terrorist attack happens and your loved one isn't available, consider hiding under your desk and giving yourself fellatio.
If you find yourself trapped in a box, it's much easier to crawl out the hole in the bottom than to jump through the top hole.
Do not try to catch up on filing and paperwork during a terrorist attack.
Riding skateboards down flights of stairs is cool. Attempting to ride skateboards up flights of stairs is not.
Top 40 music can make you depressed. Resist the urge to blow yourself and get out of the house.
When approaching an open window, shield your face with your mutated hand. There's no sense in having to amputate both hands.
Your garage is a mess. Please clean it up.
In the game of radiation, avoid the bulls eye completely and limit trips inside the trip ring. However, feel free to bask in the glow of the doubles ring as much as you like.
One day, the world will be a better place.

NOTE: Everything on this page is intended as humor, and if you feel offended, go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The plagiarized humor on this page does not reflect the views of the author, the Buddy Christ, or Pedro.

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