It was one of those text messages that you know you’ll save in your inbox for weeks to come: “OH MY GOD MY VAGINA” Baby’s first Brazilian wax. Being more Lance Bass than Lance Armstrong on the exercycle, I not only picked up the text during my “workout,” but counted my laughter as my ab exercise (for the week) and gleefully typed back “mazel tov” as I...
I’m at this opening for a show about fashion photography as art. I’m trying to look hot as I carry a glass of bad white wine in one hand and my throbbing, nervous heart in the other. It throbs because I’m on what I think is a date with B, this guy I had the biggest crush on all of last year until he graduated and moved to NYC. When I show up, late as usual, B...
Over the last few weeks, you might have noticed a bunch of people scurrying around campus in suits and ties, their eyes bright and their tails bushy. What were these people scurrying after? Interviews! Specifically, second-round interviews with prestigious New York firms that pay people lots and lots of monies to do lots and lots of works. Even a blind pig may find an...
First of all, you came too soon. The last time we saw you, things were different. In 2004, the foreplay — and what foreplay it was! — lasted until March 2nd. But you couldn’t quite hold back this time, could you? Maybe we’re partly to blame. Maybe our expectations were too high. Maybe we were asking for it. All we’ve heard for the past few months was how big...
“Left, left, left, right, left.” “Army of one.” “Be all you can be.” -Various Chants of Army I recently acquired a plant. Plantus is growing at an extraordinary rate! Every morning I bound out of bed to water him from a special cup. And then I take a picture of him, to document his progress. Hopefully by the time I am done making a flip book from the...
Question: I feel mediocre. Am I as mediocre as I feel? Is there a cure, or am I doomed? Answer: You seem to have the mediocrity blues — a terrible, gnawing type of ennui that burrows deep into your body and magically carves a Hawthorne-esque “B+/B” into the skin around your sternum. The truth is you may or may not actually be dull and average. But the majority...
I think we can all agree that some holidays are better than others. Christmas, for example, is way better than May Day, and New Year’s Eve is generally better than a quinceañera, which generally features hours of seemingly endless sexual tension with the birthday girl that ends fruitlessly when you find out what quinceañera means in Spanish. Some holidays, though, are...
I saw a movie starring Jack Nicholson recently. In it, he plays an ornery author with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He becomes unlikely friends with his gay neighbor and a waitress, played by Greg Kinnear and Helen Hunt, respectively. If you still don’t know what movie I’m talking about, let me narrow it down further. At one point he enters the waiting room of his...
I have a crush on every guy who has a serious girlfriend. In fact, right below a sense of humor and graceful hands, unattainability is the most important thing I look for in a mate. I don’t just mean men with long-term loving committed relationships, but any guy who doesn’t like me. Or has no idea I exist. When I walk past someone who doesn’t give me a nod of...
I was tickled when I found Kudeta in my Google Maps search of New Haven restaurants. I fondly remember my ninth-grade English teacher reading out the definition of a word known only in East Texas, “coop-day-tat”. If poor Ms. Hill ever made it to New Haven, Kudeta alone would finally have the courage to be phonetically honest with her. A place like that seemed like a...